Week 20: Queen Cancels

HRH QE2: Cancelled all OFFL Engagements

When nine teams earn their respective managers a Manager of the Week certificate you know it's not a high-scoring week.

Dave Clayton, Russell Bielby, Malcolm Meaden-Pratt, Nick Borrett, Rick Beecroft, Toby Larking, Karyn Meaden-Pratt, Minty Colquhoun and Craig McHugh all tear a piece off a needlessly over-sized Manager of the Week certificate. It wasn't presented to them by a conspicuously absent HRH QE2 at a disappointing ceremony at Buckingham Palace.  3 points.  Each.

On to the Cup First Round.

============
The OFFL Cup
------------
Round One, Wk 21

           Pyeators  v  Toby's Gang
    It's A Snickers  v  Inter Milandrover
    Crystal Phallus  v  Absolutely Fabregas
    Neil's Diamonds  v  Starpratt Mustgo
      Guess Hughton  v  Radnorshire Tigers
    Johnny's Heroes  v  RS-TBOY
    Minty's Minions  v  Irishpool
         Sheep City  v  Epic Yellowz
  Game Of Throw Ins  v  Dowds Farm Goblins
        Shutdown FC  v  Big Girl's Blouses
 Moobchester United  v  Livercoolio
 Moanchester United  v  Roll all the dice FC
       Bourneslippy  v  The Flying Geese
     Moreton Rovers  v  Ali McMoist
 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil  v  Through to the Next Round
    The Trumpeteers  v  Through to the Next Round

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.2  3 231
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  0 198
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7  0 190
 4 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  0 190
 5 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8  3 185
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0  0 183
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7  0 183
 8 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0  3 180
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3  3 178
10 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  3 178

Week 19: A Frosty Christmas?

Happy Christmas to Mr and Mrs Salter

What a week?!  In fact, it's been more of a weeeeeek!  And with the usual Christmas chaos breaking out all around us it's no wonder Our Most Gracious Chairman is feeling a little sore-headed.  Of course, it doesn't help matters when He can't find his extra-large-and-saggy-waisted-velcro-fastened feasting pantaloons.

And that's why there's still no sign of a Christmas bonus turning up for the OFFL HQ Umpa-Lumpas.

It appears that, like our Boxing Day toilet seat approach, we're going to have to crack-on.

Crystal Phallus have launched themselves into Third using the 'Manager Of The Week' certificate-winning trebuchet of 38 points.  Manager Guy Salter is clearly looking a bit nervous about this as he's just realised that for the first time in his marriage he is actually one step ahead of his wife, Sarah Bingbong.

That's one family's happy Christmas that's destined to remain desperately quixotic.  Studmarks salutes you.

And talking of quixotic attempts at happiness and fulfilment, Chris Walsh's Obi Wan Kenobi Nil have more than doubled their entire season's point tally by scoring 35!  It looks like he might even climb a place in the table before the year is out.  2016, eh?  A year of Unlikelinesses.

Happy Christmas everyone, may the OFFL Cup First Round prove distracting - it begins on Boxing Day.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.2 30 228
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 28 198
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 38 190
 4 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 27 190
 5 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0 23 183
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 15 183
 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 34 182
 8 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 23 177
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 30 175
10 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 10 175

Week 18: Dave Clayton's Airing Cupboard is Full of Them

Dave Clayton's Airing Cupboard

In a week full of crazy league changes, one thing remains the same... Pyeators are top and extending their lead.

Yes, Dave Clayton's chaps currently enjoy a safety buffer of 28 points largely thanks to a lack of bed-linen laundry requirements. There have been so many clean sheets that the percentage of points from his defence is 27% better than the next best defensive team of Dowds Farm Goblins.

Realising, mid-yawn, that no-one in their right mind and with better things to do with their lives, is EVER NEVER EVER going to question a stat like that, we might try to pitch in a few more preposterous percentages per post perhaps.  But no more for this edition, eh?

Meanwhile, and surprisingly, Pyeators has just the seventh best attack in the League... Go on, have a gander why not?...

Points Scored from Midfielders and Strikers
-------------------------------------------

Week 18                                                 Points
PosTeam                 Manager             Value   MF   ST   Attack
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9   50   91     141
 3 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8   91   49     140
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9   91   49     140
 5 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0   76   57     133
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0   64   66     130
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6   74   53     127
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0   62   61     123
11 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8   58   62     120
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
27 Moreton Rovers       Edgar Rayner         55.0   17   38      55
28 Ali McMoist          Ali Larking          46.8   37    6      43
29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil   Chris Walsh          53.7   17    8      25
30 The Trumpeteers      Donald Trump         43.0    0    0       0

And before you bring yourself relief by finally giving in to that urge [which you've been inexplicably resisting] to press Delete on this post we must say congratulations to Karyn Meaden-Pratt for managing her Bourneslippy to a massive week's total of 27 points.  A Manager of the Week certificate would be winging its way to Ms Meaden-Pratt if they materially existed but, alas, they haven't existed since the dissolution of the RFFL.  Long story, best kept to a minimum.

Best kept to a Zero, in fact.

Move on.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 17 198
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  7 170
 3 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 22 168
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  1 165
 5 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 16 163
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0  3 160
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 16 156
 8 Bourneslippy         Karyn Meaden-Pratt   54.7 27 154
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0  5 154
10 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 16 152

Week 17: OFFL Cup Round One Draw

Manager of the Week this week is the mighty Neil McConaghy who picked up 26 phat points for his Neil's Diamonds who are soaring into Third.  Meanwhile the newly entered Trumpeteers sees Donald Trump sawing [through the floor] into Thirtieth with minus 1.

At the top of the table there's a bit of a gap showing between First and Second places with Dave Clayton's Pyeators outscoring Moanchester United by 8 points this week.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 22 181
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 14 164
 3 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 26 163
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 13 157
 5 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 17 149
 6 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 -1 147
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 12 146
 8 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3  7 142
 9 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 16 141

10 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 18 141

Week 16: Top Trumps

With the help of Mike Smears

History, they say, is written by the victorious.  And as with most snappy little epithets, the OFFL comprehensively counters with a Chris.

Yes, Obi Wan Kenobi Nil are making history after yet another week of negativity and a Week 16 point total that's never been so low for the League.  What Mr Walsh is wistfully gruntling about down there is anyone's guess but we can speculate it might be something along the lines of 'if only I could submit my team again'.  To which the OFFL rules suggest he bloody well can.  In time for the OFFL Cup?

For anyone suffering from our recent turbulent times, succour can be secured from Mike Smears' thoughts on a potential new team.  He writes...

"I think that in keeping with these desperate times, you should include a team named after Donald Trump. The team would remain at the foot of the league because, although its defence would be solid, having built a wall across the penalty area, it would be composed solely of right-wingers and be unable therefore ever to score. This would make us all feel better."

To which OFFL HQ have challenged

"if anyone can cobble together a mildly relevant 'Donald Trump' team we'd gladly enter it into this year's OFFL Cup for pure top bants and lunatic laughs cos we're crazy funny like that".

Quite.

Meanwhile, Jon King nabs another Manager of the Week certificate after honking in a massive 28 points this week, lifting his Moobs nine places into Fourteenth.

Happy Birthday to current OFFL Champions' Manager Minty Colquhoun.

Team of the Month for November is Guy Salter's Crystal Phallus.

Pos Name                Total
-----------------------------
13 Crystal Phallus        46
 1 Pyeators               45
14 Moobchester United     42
 2 Moanchester United     41
19 Radnorshire Tigers     41
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins     38
 5 Neil's Diamonds        36
 3 Absolutely Fabregas    35
16 Guess Hughton          35
 8 Johnny's Heroes        35
 .
 .
 .

25 Game Of Throw Ins      15
27 Moreton Rovers         15
15 Shutdown FC            14
24 Roll all the dice FC   13
28 Ali McMoist             5
29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil      1

COMING SOON!
The OFFL Cup.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 10 159
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 15 150
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 14 148
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 11 144
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 15 137
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 12 135
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  9 134
 8 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 14 133
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 14 132
10 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 20 125

Week 14 & 15: Reaffirming Superiority

Clayton and Borrett sharing the Week's spoils

Well, I suppose the trend continues with a Manager of the Week Certificate accompanying top spot but this time it is to reaffirm superiority, not steal it.

Extending his lead at the top of the table from 1 point to 14 points, Dave Clayton is [joint] Manager of the Week after scoring 16 points with his Pyeators.  He shares the certificate with Nick Borrett whose Dowds Farm Goblins climb three places to land in sixth.

Happy Birthday, by the way, for Tuesday for Mike Smears.  Another uncountable year older, another telegram from the Queen.

What Ho! McHugh? Minus 4 points.  Giggle.  Everyone stare at him.  Point.  Laugh.  He's down two places.  [Is that all?]

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 16 149

 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  3 135

 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  6 134

 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  7 133

 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 10 125

 6 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 16 123

 7 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  7 122

 8 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  7 119

 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 15 118

10 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6 11 116

Week 13: The Best Lawyers Money Can Buy

Dave Clayton has the best defence

Dave Clayton and the very wealthy Donald Trumpet have a lot in common.  If Mr Trumpet, for example, was to be arrested and charged with a crime he did not commit, we are certain that he would also have the best defence around.

That forced comparison edges us closer to our point, yes, 55 points have been amassed by Dave Clayton's Goalkeeper, his Full Backs and his Centrebacks combined which has contributed to the Pyeators' overall table-topping total of 133 points.  This takes The Clayt, as he probably isn't known by his friends, to the Number One spot in the League AND earns him that special, albeit specious, comparison with the newly elected leader of the 'Free World'.

Joint Manager of the Week, Alex Blundell, shuffles and whinges his way into Second by steering his Moanchester United to a large weekly haul of 23 points. He shares the Manager of the Week certificate with latecomer and former OFFL Champions Sheep City's manager, Martyn Field.  The Sheep have climbed no places to remain in twenty-sixth place.

And the Manager of the Month for October?  Who dat den?

Pos.Team                Oct Total

---------------------------------

 1 Pyeators                    60

 5 Neil's Diamonds             55

21 The Flying Geese            48

15 Big Girl's Blouses          46

14 Livercoolio                 43

 4 Inter Milandrover           42

 2 Moanchester United          39

 3 Absolutely Fabregas         37

 .

 .

 .

 .

26 Sheep City                  19

22 Game Of Throw Ins           18

15 Toby's Gang                 17

11 RS-TBOY                     15

29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil           4

That's it for this week.  Now go home and get some sleep.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 19 133
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 23 132
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 15 128
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  7 126
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 14 115
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 11 115
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 14 112
 8 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  7 111
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 10 107
10 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6  8 105

Week 12: A Tintinnabulatingly Tight Table

The Chairman: listening out for tintinnabulation 

We thought this nonsense had stopped.  We hinted as much in the last edition of Studmarks.  But, clearly, it hasn't...

Another Manager of the Week certificate win, another new team at the top. 29 points this week sees Smasher lodged up in the League's loftiest of locales, oh lumme.

This must mean we have a very tight league this season.  Certainly in these early stages - and when we say early, we're ignoring the fact that we're already playing out Week 13.  Gosh.  Week 13, eh?  It'll be OFFL Cup soon and OMG Chairman hasn't even managed to source an appropriate prize yet.

And, cupping a hand to our ear, we theatrically ask "what's that?"  Can we hear the faint jingle-jangle of seasonal tintinnabulation a-tinkling in the chinkling chilly distance?*

*All words in this sentence actually probably exist.

In the meantime... highest climbers are Mr Bielby's Livercoolio [up 8 into Fourteenth] while farthest fallers are Mr Borret's Dowds Farm Goblins [down 9 into Twelfth].

Ooh, and just remember everyone... hope is not lost. Current Champions, Minty's Minions, are only 22 points behind the leaders and they're in Eleventh!

It is indeed a marathon and not a sprint.  Maybe we should remember that.  Write it down somewhere or something.

Happy Birthday to Craig McHugh by the way [Saturday] and Ali Larking [Sunday].  And belatedly to Neil McConaghy and Guy Harewood [Week 9 & 10].

Now, everyone look at Chris Walsh.  Everyone, go on.  STARE AT HIM.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 29 119
 2 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 20 114
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8 12 113
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 19 109
 5 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  4 104
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 18 104
 7 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 16 102
 8 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 14 101
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 17  99
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 10  98

Week 11: Shutdown Shoots Up

Sam Reed: one of our youngest managers

Earlier this season, winning the Manager of the Week certificate meant automatic top spot occupancy.  The last few weeks have stopped all that nonsense of course but this week it looked, for a moment, like it was going to happen one last time for one of our youngest managers.  Sam Reed's Shutdown FC decided to put a random 25-point spurt on this week and leapfrog to the 100-point mark while pinching the Manager of the Week certificate along the way.  Sam's Shutdown shot up eleven places in the table to land with an imposing thud into Second place.  Marvellous to see such young talent, fecund with potential, setting itself up for the inevitable ultimate disappointment, future adult disillusionment and bitter self-destruction.

Enjoy it while you can, Sam.  While-you-can.

Meanwhile, Chris Walsh continues conjuring with his mysterious magic by netting another negative point-haul pushing Obi Wan Kenobi Nil even further away from the rest of the league.  Nearly back at zero, Chris.  Nearly.

Farthest faller... Big Mally.  Down five places.  Shocking.

Righto.  Tinkety Tonk.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8  6 101
 2 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 25 100
 3 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 11  96
 4 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 14  94
 5 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  9  90
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  7  90
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  4  88
 8 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 12  87
 9 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6  8  86
10 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  7  86

Week 09 & 10: Herding Geese

Mandy Noble herds her Geese to a Manager of the Week certificate

Like the England Football Team's international reputation since 1996, bottom-placed Obi Wan Kenobi Nil and the now-second-from-bottom Moreton Rovers are both marching enthusiastically backwards - it's as if both managers (Chris Walsh and Edgar Rayner respectively) are in a desperate, high-stakes battle for the wooden spoon.

Take a leaf out of Mandy Noble's book, lads.

Learn from her winning ways.

Study her acquisition of the Manager of the Week certificate this week as she herded her Geese to a large 17 points score.

Latecomer Noble and her Flying Geese are now only 42 points behind the current leaders Absolutely Fabregas.

Inspiring.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8  7  95
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0  6  85
 3 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  6  84
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.4  6  83
 5 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 11  81
 6 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 11  80
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  2  79
 8 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 13  78
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0  7  77
10 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  0  77

Week 08: Gavin's Dice

Gavin's rolling all his dice and he's coming up Snake Eyes

For the second week in a row, congratulations go to this week's Manager of the Week: Mike Smears.  His Irishpool scored another large 20 points pushing themselves up another seven places into sixteenth in the table. Commiserations, on the other hand, to Gavin Ward's Roll All The Dice.  They fall furthest, six places, leaving them below Mr Smears's Irishpool in nineteenth.  That'll explain Mr Ward's rececnt transfers then.

Team of the Month for September...

Team                   September Score
--------------------------------------
Absolutely Fabregas             56
Starpratt Mustgo                51
RS-TBOY                         46
Irishpool                       44
Minty's Minions                 40
Epic Yellowz                    39
Dowds Farm Goblins              37
Inter Milandrover               37
Shutdown FC                     36
Johnny's Heroes                 35
Toby's Gang                     35
.
.
.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8 12  88
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 15  79
 3 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  5  78
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.4  5  77
 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  9  77
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  8  77
 7 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6 13  76
 8 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 14  73
 9 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0  8  73
10 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 14  70

Week 07: Dropping Your Transfer Trousers

Russell Bielby has dropped his transfer trousers a little early this season

In the City today, Markets have rallied after this week's early signs of stability have encouraged an increase in Player trading activity.

Indeed, our leader from last week is our leader this week.  Absolutely Fabregas.  Such consistency marks them out as an official Title Contender no doubt, leaving others to work out a strategy to keep up.  And when we say 'others' we exclude Mike Smears and his Irishpool who signal their ascendency by swiping the Manager of the Week certificate.  A score of 22 points see them hobble into twenty-third.

No, when we say 'others' we mean people like Russell Bielby.  He has just called in sick for work after injuring his fingers while panic-typing his latest knee-jerk reaction transfer requests.

Who else is dropping their transfer trousers a little early this season?

Transfer Trouser Dropping Table

                                      Tot Transfers
Pos Team               Manager        Pts Remaining
---------------------------------------------------
19 Livercoolio         Russell Bielby  47     5
 3 Inter Milandrover   Smasher         72     7
24 Radnorshire Tigers  Alun Edwards    42     7
14 Pyeators            Dave Clayton    54     9
20 Neil's Diamonds     Neil McConaghy  46     9
 7 Dowds Farm Goblins  Nick Borrett    64    10
 4 RS-TBOY             Rick Beecroft   69    11
 8 Minty's Minions     Minty Colquhoun 63    11

There's 'Tinkering' and there's 'Admitting You've Made A TSB' [team selection ballzup].  We think we can tell which of the above fall into which category.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8 13  76
 2 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 13  73
 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 10  72
 4 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 17  69
 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 17  68
 6 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0 17  65
 7 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0  4  64
 8 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6  4  63
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 16  61
10 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  6  59

Week 06: To Snooze Is To Lose Is To Blundell

Snoozing, losing, Blundelling.

Another Week, another Manager of the Week, another new top spot occupant.  What the bleedin' bloody blazes is going on?!

Sarah Bingham's Absolutely Fabregas climbed an astonishing seventeen places after they earned her this week's Manager of the Week Certificate by scoring an absolutely fabregas 29 points.

So what happened to Alex Blundell's Moanchester United? Well, they fell eight places after scoring zero - they snoozed, they loozed.  It's Craig McHugh's Game Of Throw Ins who fall furthest this week, however: a score of 3 points and a fall of eleven places.  Russ Bielby's Livercoolio fall ten.

Meanwhile, newcomer Mike Smears had a good start this week with 22 points while current Champions, Minty's Minions, are keeping up with the pace in Fifth, only four points off the top.  Not bad for an ol' gal, eh?

See you next week.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8 29  63
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 17  62
 3 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 10  60
 4 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 17  60
 5 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      55.0 19  59
 6 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 15  53
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 11  52
 8 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 12  51
 9 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  0  51
10 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0 11  48

Two New Teams Enter OFFL

Mike Smears, in his youth.

Well, we say 'two NEW teams' but they're actually being managed by two old managers.

In one instance we mean old as in 'not a stranger' while in the other instance we mean 'not a stranger' and just plain OLD.

Yes, indeed, welcome back the mature, experienced and noble womanly woman of a woman, Not-A-Man-dy Noble.  And welcome back also to the OFFL's very own Bruce Forsyth, Mike Smears.

Yes, yes, welcome back both.

Ooh, what's this?  A rant from expert OAP in cantankery, Mr Mike Smears...

Esteemed Dr Mr President

I am outraged. I left you with strict instructions last year to suspend the start of the new season until I returned from my hard work on the beaches of France. This year has been especially strenuous. 

Then I return and find that not only have you started but that some young managers have sprinted away with hundreds of points. 

I demand that you revert every other team to zero: and that my players can gain points retrospectively, for the time I was hard at work in France.

I promise you: if you do not accede to this demand, I shall leave the EU.

So there

Bristling from Brexit.

Week 05: Dodgy tash and a funny salute

The genius behind England's majestic dominance of footballing giants Slovakia.

While Big Sam Allardyce has cruelly reminded us of why his application for the job of England manager was rejected last time around, we are also reminded that the Office Fantasy Football League can be a cruel place too. As soon as the aroma of hope wafts itself up some poor unsuspecting manager's nostrils, that manager gets given the foul-stenching, full-nappied baby of despair to hold and drop.

Big Sam: Dodgy tash and
a funny salute?

Now, while Studmarks would love you all to write in and suggest how the above metaphor should be graciously side-stepped and forgotten, we would also like to slip back into frame the point we were trying to make. And that point is Moobchester United.

The former League leaders have been mercilessly knocked off the top by losing 5 points this week and collapsing fifteen places down the table into sixteenth.  Unprecedented.  Deserves a certificate of some sort in itself.

And it isn't even manager Jon King who has presided over the worst score of the week at that. It should be noted that the worst scorers of the week, and dropping ten places in the process, are Edgar Rayner's Moreton Rovers with a week's loss of 6 points.

Manager of the Week is Rick Beecroft - his RS-TBOY netted a marvellous 18 points elevating themselves up fourteen places into sixth, perhaps justifying his early transfer.  Perhaps.  But probably not.

So we congratulate Alex Blundell for steering his Moanchester United past a consistent second-placed Johnny's Heroes into pole position on the grid for Week 6.  And we commiserate with Ali Larking whose Perfect Man-inspired team selection is still failing to intimidate her husband by resting in second-from-last last place.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 14  51
 2 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 12  50
 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 10  45
 4 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 16  43
 5 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 13  41
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 18  41
 7 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      55.0 17  40
 8 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 10  39
 9 Roll all the dice FC Gavin Ward           55.0  3  39
10 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.1  7  38

Week 03: Bielby Bounces Back

Sarah returns to [near] the top

Mrs Bielby bounces back with her second Manager of the Week certificate of the campaign, knocking in 19 points this week and inserting herself into the number two spot in the table.  The resurgence of Johnny's Heroes is keeping Johnny King's Moobs on their chubby little toes.  Mr King remains in top spot.

Highest climber, rocketing up twelve places into seventh, is Toby's Gang.  Neil's Diamonds thrust up an almost equally enthralling eleven places into eleventh.

Don't panic, folks. It's just the early season jostle that dupes the jittery managers amongst you to break into their transfer quota. Cough, Rick, ahem, Russ, ahem, splutter, ahem, ahem, ahem.  A marathon it is.  A sprint it is not.

Will the international break and creaky close of the transfer window bring any further rash changes.  Let's hope so.

Happy Birthday for Manager Nick Borrett [Sunday]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.4 11  41
 2 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 19  38
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  9  37
 4 Roll all the dice FC Gavin Ward           55.0 18  36
 5 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  8  35
 6 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.1 15  31
 7 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0 17  30
 8 Guess Hughton        Nick Reed            54.3  6  29
 9 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 14  29
10 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9  5  28

Week 02: The King Rules

Beecroft after Week 1's results

Again, the OFFL Table's top spot is accompanied by the Manager of the Week certificate.  Indeed, this week it's the former BBC Presenter, music impresario and old bugger [convicted] Jonathan King.  Currently out on bail until October, King has elevated his Moobs into top spot with a score of 22 points.

And while we, here at Studmarks, pat ourselves smugly on the back for hauling out the same old inappropriate Jon/Jonathan King references, the actual Jon King (OFFL Manager, former Emsworthian and accountant at the Kenwood Corporation) snortingly rolls his eyes while quietly toeing the unopened Notice of Intended Prosecution envelope under the sideboard.

Firmly in Jon's managerial shadow is the moanful Alex Blundell and his Moanchester United.  Mr Blundell, whose convictions for indecent assault remain undisclosed, hasn't been this high in the table since his Rufuscester took the title in 1997.

Heady days indeed.

And while we're on the subject of ancient history never to be repeated, we also welcome back 1996's OFFL Champions, Sheep City.  Yes, Manager Martyn Field returns to top flight Fantasy Football after years of self-banishment.

So what happened to last week's table toppers, Johnny's Heroes? They fell, screaming as they passed you, down six places into Seventh, that's what.  More shocking however, is the fact that Mrs Bielby's husband, Mr Bielby, has already submitted a couple of transfers!  And Russell wasn't even the first manager to make an unreasonably panicky change this season. That prize goes to his colleague Rick Beecroft.

Indeed, Week One had barely thlopped its electronic weight onto your email doormat when Beecroft, hyperventilating into a brown bag and stabbing incoherently at the Players List, pinged back a request to change Ramsey for Mane.  It seems those Real Sense boys are already jostling for position.

Our lowest faller is Sarah Bingham's Absolutely Fabregas who plummeted nine places.  Conversely, our highest climbers (up eight places each) are RS-TBOY and Radnorshire Tigers.

So, we've definitely started then.

T h e   T a b l e

                                             Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm) Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.4 22  30

 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 19  28

 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 16  27

 4 Guess Hughton        Nick Reed            54.3 18  23

 5 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 12  23

 6 Moreton Rovers       Edgar Rayner         55.0 17  22

 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  5  19

 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        54.8 15  19

 9 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         52.4 16  18

10 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 14  18

Week 01: Ian Wright's Teeth

Look at how white they are.

It's on. And we're up.

Good job Gary Lineker wasn't.

Yeah, you know what we're talking about.

It should be noted that Our Most Gracious Chairman was drafted in as the BBC body double on Saturday night in case The Boy Lineker chickened out of presenting MOTD in just a pair of Leicesters. Fortunately for widescreen enthusiasts the corpulent services of OMG Chairman weren't required.

So, we finally arrive at the first week of the season. After a remarkably successful/disastrous* European Championships, we can bury our beaming/crying* faces into the nestled comfort of the big and pleasantly plumpy Premiership pillow. Zzzzzzz.

[* delete according to your UK loyalties.]

Well, Johnny's Heroes are first out of the blocks as Sarah Bielby collects a Manager of the Week certificate for an adequate week's pull of 14 points. But as we know: it's a marathon, not a sprint, so keep your cock-a-hooping down to modest whoop if you will, Mrs Bielby.

Notable is the start that our current OFFL Champions Minty's Minions have made to the 2016/2017 season. -3 points and a lowly equal twenty-third. Ms Colquhoun is amongst good company though - Neil McConaghy and Malcolm Meaden-Pratt are surprise bottomers too. Incidentally, it's the Meaden-Pratts who are causing the Umpa Lumpa in charge of this year's League Table design a bit of a headache. There has been talk of fining them for their disastrously hyphenated surname.

Seriously, it's just not on.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.6 14  14
 2 Game Of Throw Ins          Craig McHugh    54.9 11  11
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 11  11
 4 Absolutely Fabregas        Sarah Bingham   54.8  9   9
 4 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.8  9   9
 6 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  55.0  9   9
 7 Crystal Phallus            Guy Salter      54.1  8   8
 8 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.4  8   8
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins         Nick Borrett    55.0  7   7
10 Epic Yellowz               Stanley & Kate  54.8  6   6

Dave Clayts-in

Second Place Pyeators

Dave understands the rules

Initial teething problems with the PlayersList, caused by the late Umpa Lumpa #359, meant confusion over the Pyeating playing position of preferred Liverpool Midfielder Wijnaldum  To his credit, Manager Dave Clayton wasn't perturbed nor put off by this little hiccough to his opening team submission.  No.  Safe in the knowledge that the Chairman Is Always Right, Clayton cooly adjusted his line-up accordingly with a warm smile and knowing humility.

Now that's the way to get on in this league.

Historically, Mr Clayton can only crow about a couple of consecutive League runner-up finishes [2012/2013 and 2013/2014] and is a defeated OFFL Cup finalist from 2012 but his teams are always up there within the pelaton of title dreamers.  The Arsenal of the OFFL, perhaps?

Enter Pyeators...

110	GK	T Courtois	CHE	£4.1
166	FB	C Azpilicueta	CHE	£4.4
222	FB	K Walker	TOT	£4.3
284	CB	J Fonte	SOT	£4.1
283	CB	C Smalling	MU	£4.5
323	MF	M Ozil	ARS	£6.0
340	MF	G Boyd	BUR	£3.5
605	MF	G Wijnaldum	LIV	£4.8
516	MF	D Payet	WH	£5.5
523	ST	A Sanchez	ARS	£7.6
563	ST	J Rhodes	MID	£5.8