Week 24: Bottom Trumps

Donald Top Trump:  Looking up at the rest of the teams while 'alternative facting' about his bottomness

The Trumpeteers' press secretary, Sean "Nothing But The Truth" Spicer, used his first OFFL press briefing to attack the "irresponsible and reckless" Studmarks over what he called "deliberately false reporting" around the current league position of the current bottom-placed team of WASPs.

Contradicting all available evidence - i.e. the total number of points accrued by Donald 'Top' Trump's team - he insisted the fluffy-haired narcissist's league position was actually the "toppest ever league position ever to have been witnessed in the world ever, period" and suggested that Studmarks "intentionally mucked around" with their points-harvesting algorithm to make the current league ranking of the Tumpeteers appear altitudinally poor.

With his 'Sniper's Delight' hairstyle, the alternative fact-spouting megalomaniac was nowhere to be sniped.  Or seen, we should say.  Seen.

In the meantime, Smasher and Jon King take a share each of this week's Manager of the Week certificate by steering their respective teams to 24 points.  Inter Milandrover are up into Third while Moobchester United climb into the top ten at ninth.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.9 17 285
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 11 266
 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.6 24 264
 4 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 19 262
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       55.0 19 258
 6 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 15 246
 7 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 16 242
 8 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7  8 241
 9 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.7 24 239
10 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  7 235

Week 23: Minty's Minions Manager's Mobile Misery Madness

Miss Colquhoun currently enjoying smartphone technology

Minty 'Posh Bint' Colquhoun is, with a massive haul of 32 points, this week's Manager of the Week.  This statistical outlier of a score from the reigning Champions has propelled Minty's Minions up five places into Fifteenth - not quite ridding themselves of the burden of analogy with this season's Premiership's Leicester City but it's a move in the right direction nevertheless.

If scores continue to progress in this manner, The Mighty Posh Bint Mint will be fighting former colleague Nick Bouncy Borrett for the title.

Ah, that cheered us up.

Seriously though, well done.  It's no mean feat to have achieved such a high score while, as the grapevine carries it, breaking in your first ever smartphone.  In fact, Our Most Gracious Chairman would like us to sincerely thank you for the thirty-eight blank text messages that were received from you on Thursday morning.  3 O'Clock in the morning.

That's a 3am to 4.30am stint of no-sleep that will linger in the memory for quite a while.

Righto, shall we make the draw for the next round of the OFFL Cup, then?

No, let's not.

Here's the Team of the Month for December instead...

Lge                       Dec
Pos Name                  Pts
------------------------------
 3 Crystal Phallus         98
 6 RS-TBOY                 89
 1 Pyeators                84
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins      82
 8 Livercoolio             79
11 Shutdown FC             78
16 Toby's Gang             78
 5 Neil's Diamonds         75
18 Game Of Throw Ins       74
13 Radnorshire Tigers      74
14 Moobchester United      72
 6 Epic Yellowz            70
19 Bourneslippy            66
27 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil      64
 4 Inter Milandrover       62
 2 The Flying Geese        62
 9 Absolutely Fabregas     61
10 Starpratt Mustgo        61
23 Irishpool               55
24 It's A Snickers         53
17 Big Girl's Blouses      51
19 Guess Hughton           51
25 Sheep City              50
21 Johnny's Heroes         49
15 Minty's Minions         49
12 Moanchester United      37
26 Roll all the dice FC    25
29 Ali McMoist             23
28 Moreton Rovers          18

---

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.9 14 268
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 23 255
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 12 243
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0 21 240
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       55.0 12 239
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7 13 233
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 10 233
 8 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 13 231
 9 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 10 228
10 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 17 226

Week 22: OFFL Cup First Round Results

Well, here's to a less exciting 2017, eh?

The exception being....

============
The OFFL Cup
------------
ROUND ONE, Wk21 & Wk22

Pyeators               23 v  34 Toby's Gang
It's A Snickers         9 v  36 Inter Milandrover
Crystal Phallus        41 v  28 Absolutely Fabregas
Neil's Diamonds        29 v  29 Starpratt Mustgo*
Guess Hughton          43 v  33 Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes        22 v  45 RS-TBOY
Minty's Minions        22 v  19 Irishpool
Sheep City             26 v  37 Epic Yellowz
Game Of Throw Ins      23 v  54 Dowds Farm Goblins
Shutdown FC            36 v  31 Big Girl's Blouses
Moobchester United     43 v  33 Livercoolio
Moanchester United     25 v  13 Roll all the dice FC
Bourneslippy           25 v  32 The Flying Geese
Moreton Rovers         15 v  13 Ali McMoist
Obi Wan Kenobi Nil     28 v     Through
The Trumpeteers        -8 v     Through

*Winner is Starpratt Mustgo on PpP

Congratulations to Toby Larking, Smasher, Guy Salter, Malcolm Meaden-Pratt, Nick Reed, Rick Beecroft, Minty Colquhoun, Kate & Stanley Wilson, Nick Borrett, Sam Reed, Jon King, Alex Blundell, Mandy Noble and Edgar Rayner.  You've all earned your place in the second round of the OFFL Cup.

Both Bielbys bounce out while Edgar Rayner's Moreton Rovers only just made up the ground lost in the first half of the tie pipping Ali McMoist by just 2 points.  Meanwhile, and most surprisingly of all, League Leaders Pyeators are OUT: beaten solidly by Toby Larking's Toby's Gang.

So, well done to those of you through to the next round.  Time to concentrate on the League for the rest of you.

The Manager of the Week certificate goes to Nick Reed.  His Guess Hughton scored 18 points pushing themselves up two places in the league into Nineteenth.  That's his first certificate of season.  Give him a patronising backslap next time you see him.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.9 11 254
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 15 232
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 11 231
 4 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       55.0 15 227
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 17 223
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7 16 220
 7 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0 13 219
 8 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 16 218
 9 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  9 218
10 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 16 209
11 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  9 205
12 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.0 12 203
13 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 13 200
14 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0  6 200
15 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         54.7 11 198
16 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 16 192
17 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 10 192
18 Bourneslippy         Karyn Meaden-Pratt   54.5  9 188
19 Guess Hughton        Nick Reed            54.3 18 186
20 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      53.9  8 182
21 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9  5 174
22 The Flying Geese     Mandy Noble          54.8  5 168
23 Irishpool            Mike Smears          53.7 -3 162
24 It's A Snickers      Ashley Keeler        54.0  0 158
25 Sheep City           Martyn Field         53.9  9 143
26 Roll all the dice FC Gavin Ward           54.9  7 131
27 Moreton Rovers       Edgar Rayner         55.0 12  93
28 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil   Chris Walsh          53.7 10  81
29 Ali McMoist          Ali Larking          46.8 -1  68
30 The Trumpeteers      Donald Trump         43.0 -3 -17


                        Week's Average Points          9
                        Total Average Points         178
---

T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f
=============================

Irishpool
-------------------
   From: Mike Smears
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

Dear Mr president

Thnk you this week’s results May I make a seemingly unimportant transfer which could have far-reaching consequences?

OUT
284 Fonte

IN
286 Van Dijk.
————————————————

I have to tell you that my friend Donald Trump is enraged, finding his points total lower than last week and reducing by the hour. He tweets; “I’ll deel with this upstart AdamLarking when Im in the Wheit Hows. Warn him that I won the Amwrican eleccshun with 3 million votes less than Clinton, and I can do it agen. So says my ascoaite Putin, known as Vlad to his frenndds.”

Better be warned, Sir!

Take care

Brexit from Bassett

----------------------
Chairman responds:
You're out of the Cup.  My condolences.  Please relay back to Mr Trump my sincerest apologies for triggering his most cantankerous outrage.  We're REEEAAAALLY sorry.


=============================

Week 21: 39 Pints

Nick Borrett and his 39 pints

Manager of the Week for the third time this season is Nick Borrett.  His Dowds Farm Goblins gulped back 39 pints this Christmas week.  Points.  We meant 39 points.

How did the first half of the OFFL Cup fixtures go then?

============
The OFFL Cup
------------
First Round, Half Time

          Pyeators  12 v  28 Toby's Gang
   It's A Snickers   9 v  23 Inter Milandrover
   Crystal Phallus  30 v  19 Absolutely Fabregas
   Neil's Diamonds  14 v  13 Starpratt Mustgo
     Guess Hughton  25 v  22 Radnorshire Tigers
   Johnny's Heroes  12 v  28 RS-TBOY
   Minty's Minions  14 v  22 Irishpool
        Sheep City  17 v  21 Epic Yellowz
 Game Of Throw Ins  18 v  39 Dowds Farm Goblins
       Shutdown FC  27 v  15 Big Girl's Blouses
Moobchester United  31 v  17 Livercoolio
Moanchester United  12 v   6 Roll all the dice FC
      Bourneslippy  16 v  27 The Flying Geese
    Moreton Rovers   3 v  14 Ali McMoist
Obi Wan Kenobi Nil  18 v  Through
   The Trumpeteers  -5 v  Through

A shock defeat for Pyeators is on the cards with Toby's Gang leading the League Leaders by 28 points to 12.  

Meanwhile the husband and wife fixture of Crystal Phallus versus Absolutely Fabregas isn't looking good for the wife - Mr Crystal Phallus is being absolutely fabulous against Mrs Absolutely Fabregas.

Current League Champions Minty's Minions are getting a beating by Irishpool and Neil's Diamonds are just one point ahead of Starpratt Mustgo.  

But will recent transfers for Pyeators, Minty's Minions and Neil's Diamonds make a difference for the second halves?

Probably not.  But there we go.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.2 12 243
 2 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 30 220
 3 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 39 217
 4 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 14 212
 5 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 19 209
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0 23 206
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 28 206
 8 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7 21 204
 9 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 17 202
10 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 27 196