Week 16: Bit of Tinsel

This particular edition of Studmarks would have consisted of the usual empty wishes of seasonal good will, an advent theme and a really sexy montage of the last twelve months.  Unfortunately a bit of tinsel got caught in the OFFL machine and a wheel fell off.

Manager of the Week is Guy Harewood.  His Bayern Bru scored 69 points.  Put that in your stocking and ladder it.

Stay safe, little beanbags.  Stay safe.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 44  726
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 61  718
 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         49.9 47  676
 4 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 69  657
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 54  644
 6 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.2 47  631
 7 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.8 67  621
 8 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 43  616
 9 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 50  611
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         48.1 41  601

Week 15: OFFL Cup Group Stage

Christmas Boreball

With a mahoosive Manager of the Week-winning megascore of 94 points, our current Champion Neil McConaghy has narrowed the gap between his Second Placed Neil's Diamonds and current First Placed Moanchester United.  This makes the 92 point score deficit between First and Third place appear slightly less daunting.  In a fewer-points-than-you-think kind of way.

All of that is of absolute indifference to those below Third.

You may find some sort of interest-reignition in the fact that we now know which group you'll be in for the First Round of the OFFL Cup.

That was definitely a sharp intake of anticipatory breath somewhere in the audience there.

Hey, what am I blithering on about?  This is what I'm blathering on about...

========
OFFL Cup
--------
Group Stage

Top two teams from each group go through to the knockout stage

                                Week
Group A                       17   18  Total
--------------------------------------------
Moanchester United                       0
Johnny's Heroes                          0
What's Scotland For?                     0

Group B
--------------------------------------------
Neil's Diamonds                          0
Inter Milandrover                        0
RockRollford United                      0

Group C
--------------------------------------------
Pyeators                                 0
Suits You Sur-man                        0
Minty's Minions                          0

Group D
--------------------------------------------
RS-TBOY                                  0
Rushden Academicals 2nd XI               0
Ali McMoist                              0

Group E
--------------------------------------------
Bayern Bru                               0
Radnorshire Tigers                       0
Wardy's Wasters                          0

Group F
--------------------------------------------
Brighton Beautiful                       0
Game Of Throw Ins                        0
Obi Wan Kenobi Nil                       0

Group G
--------------------------------------------
Livercoolio                              0
Irishpool                                0
Sheep City                               0

Group H
--------------------------------------------
Pogboom                                  0
Moobchester United                       0
Crystal Phallus                          0

And with that we say Happy Christmas.

"Happy Christmas"

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 85  682
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 94  657
 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         49.9 80  629
 4 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 77  590
 5 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 74  588
 6 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.2 64  584
 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 67  573
 8 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 91  561
 9 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         48.1 65  560
10 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.6 58  556

Week 14: Dull

Strictly Dull

Manager of the Week again is Alex Bluddy Blundell, Moanchester United scored 51 points.  They're pulling away you know.

This week's highest climber is Sarah Bing Bong Bingham.  Her Suits You Surman climbed three places into Eleventh.  Otherwise there wasn't much movement in the table at all.  Quite dull really.

Let's distract ourselves, albeit very briefly, from the torpidity of this week's nonsense by thinking about the OFFL Cup.

There.  We thought about it.

Move on.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 51  597

 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 42  563

 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         49.9 41  549

 4 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.2 36  520

 5 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 34  514

 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 34  513

 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 43  506

 8 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.6 40  498

 9 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         48.1 42  495

10 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 22  479

Week 13: There's a Prize?

This is not an actual prize available to us

Is it time to talk about the OFFL Cup?  It is, isn't it?  

Your league position after Week 15 will determine your seeding in the first round.  The first round will be a group competition played over the Christmas period and will leave us with 16 teams to slog it out over the rest of the season.

And now you can wake up.

The prize will be... determined.

In the meantime, we've had a week of massive scores.  Mike Smears, ageing disgracefully though he might be, notched up a week's score with graceful thunderousness. 91 points.  His Irishpool have moved up a deceivingly meek three places while he gets Manager of the Week.

Up at the top we see Moanchester United and Neil's Diamonds move further ahead, Pyeators struggling to keep up with the pace.  But what IS going on with Crystal Phallus?  Last season's successful Sixth Place.  This season's bottom dweller.


True.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 89  546
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 84  521
 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         49.9 76  508
 4 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.2 76  484
 5 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 82  480
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 80  479
 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 79  463
 8 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4 73  458
 9 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 81  457
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 63  453

Week 12: Help me please, OFFL staff are evil.

This is being typed by Work Experience Boy.  Help me please, OFFL staff are evil.

I am contractually obliged to point out that Manager of the Week for Week 12 is Sarah Bielby for getting her Johnny's Heroes to score 47 points.


Got to go.  Foreman is reaching for his whip.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 39  457
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 31  437
 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 32  432
 4 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.9 40  408
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 31  399
 6 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 30  398
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 47  390
 8 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.2 29  385
 9 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 36  384
10 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 27  376

Week 10 & 11: Mum has gone to Iceland

Qualified Ahead of Scotland

We're back.  We're back from watching two terribly tedious and turgid nil-nil England games followed by the final toilet-flush of the rest of the Home Nations' attempts at World Cup Qualification.  All except Ireland of course.  They qualified...

...oh hang on.  Not Ireland.  Iceland.  We meant Iceland.

Iceland qualified.  You hear that Scotland?  ICELAND.

Even Bejam qualified before Scotland.

Oops again.  We mean Belgium.  BELGIUM.

The distant dirge of desolate tumbleweeding from the usual goal-pated prattling pundits has perked upwardly thanks to a fine week of Premiershippery.  Even Birthday Boy Mike Smears managed to notch up a score of over 50 points.  Hardly a [bald]patch, however, on this week's Manager of the Week.  Yes, Alex Blundering Blundell transfers in the Pope before going ahead and scoring a heavenly mahoosiff 81 points.  This takes his Moanchester United right to the top of the Table.

With healthy scores continuing to arrive for both former leaders Neil's Diamonds and Pyeators a real gap is opening between the leading pack and the panting pelaton of pursuers arrear.

And THAT is as exciting as we can make Week 11 sound.

<honk honk>

Oof.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 81  418
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 60  406
 3 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 52  400
 4 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 65  368
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 64  368
 6 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.9 55  368
 7 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.2 57  356
 8 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 40  349
 9 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 48  348
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 48  343

Week 09: Muffled Struggling

Spot The Karyn

Can anybody hear that?  

A stunningly morbid muffled struggling.

As if someone is flailing to get out from under something big and heavy.

It could be that lovely Karyn Meaden-Pratt finally climbing atop her hellish husband, Mally.  Mrs is Fourth, Mr is Filth. Fifth. He's Fifth.

In squelching her squashed body out from under the massive Malster the three-worded Karyn Meaden-Pratt wins a joint-Manager of the Week certificate.  Joining her in this joint honour is the more economically-worded Smasher. Both Brighton Beautiful and Inter Milandrover respectively and jointly scored 51 points.

And now we wait for the silence of yet another International Break to break.

Is any of this really worth it?

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 38  348
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 42  346
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 45  337
 4 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.9 51  313
 5 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 25  309
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 42  304
 7 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 44  303
 8 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 39  300
 9 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.2 51  299
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 44  295

Week 08: Leave it

You heard me

This was going to be a really informative and witty update.  It was.  Honest.  What do you mean you don't believe me?  Right.  Well.  That's given me the right hump.  I'll leave it there then shall I?  You can whistle for it if you're going to be like that.  See if I care.

Yeah.

You heard me.

[Alun Edwards is Manager of the Week with 51 points.  I still don't care]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 33  310
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 44  304
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 33  292
 4 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 26  284
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 33  262
 6 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.9 29  262
 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 32  261
 8 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 33  260
 9 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 35  259
10 Moobchester United   Jon King             49.9 40  255

Week 07: Spooning Managers

Mr and Mrs Meaden-Pratt.  Spooning.

Manager of the Week, Karyn Meaden-Pratt whose Brighton Beautiful totalled an amazing 63 points this week, has nuzzled right up behind her husband in the League Table. Mr and Mrs spoon in Fourth and Fifth respectively.  And then she goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like "Transfers Please!" [See below].

Meanwhile, Dave Clayton's Pyeators has snatched top spot back from Neil McConaghy's Neil's Diamonds re-creating last season's tussle for the Championship.

And after those two bland paragraphs, born of a failed search for inspiration, with which to leave you we apologise for yet another weekly waste of your time and ours.

But mostly ours.

Have a good week.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 43  277
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 23  260
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 46  259
 4 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 31  258
 5 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.9 63  233
 6 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 40  229
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 28  229
 8 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 37  227
 9 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 51  224
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 35  218

Week 05 & 06: BB and CC Takes Top Spot

Current Champion, Neil McConaghy

Birthday Boy and Current Champion, Neil McConaghy, has snatched the top spot away from Dave Second Place Clayton forcing Dave into Second Place.

And talking of Champions, the season before last's Champions, Minty's Minions, are happily rooted at the bottom of the table waiting for their moment to strike.  Ms Colquhoun has Obi Wan Kenobi Nil firmly in her sights.

Manager of the Week is Never Been Champion Mike Smears.  His Irishpool notched up a firm, fat and fruity 56 points.

Meanwhile, lowest scorers Inter Milandrover fall to Sixth with 6 points.  Practically a negative score with this new scoring system, surely?

Yes, surely.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 40  237
 2 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 17  234
 3 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 42  227
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 21  213
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 16  201
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4  6  194
 7 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 28  190
 8 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 36  189
 9 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 23  183
10 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 15  183

Week 04: Tedious

Pewter Effect Knobs?  Or Brass?

The Chairman is currently flicking through a Kitchen Catalogue with a grizzled look of enforced scrutiny.  There's nothing more tedious than trying to decide whether or not the floor tiles should be grey with relief or flat, matt and flecked with a suspicion of yellow.

Ooh, hang on.  Yes there IS something more tedious.  And that's International Week for the football.  Yes.  That's much more tedious.  Indeed England's National side, entitled "England", are in a qualifying group of barely capable opponents - all of whom, should they qualify, are waiting until a later round of the subsequent tournament to then humiliate the Three Lions by thrashing the shin pads off them.

It's like the English actually believe it might be different this time.

Now that's what I call tedious.

Sigh.

Manager of the Week is aged latecomer Mike Smears whose Irishpool finally rocks up to the back door of the party with 52 points.  They're in last place.  At the moment.

Right, off you pop.  Have a week.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 39  217
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 45  197
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 51  192
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4 32  188
 5 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 41  185
 6 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 49.9 49  185
 7 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 36  168
 8 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 27  162
 9 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 39  160
10 Moobchester United   Jon King             49.9 42  157

Week 03: Early Jostle

Jostle

It's that early jostle for position that we so love each season that sees Dave 'Second Place' Clayton upwardly pushing himself further away from Second Place.  His Pyeators not only earn him his second consecutive Manager of the Week Certificate [for scoring 67 points] but they have also consolidated an already impressive lead.  Is it too early to consider this side to be Champions Elect?

Well, yes it is, actually, so if you're doing that then you should probably stop it.  You can certainly count on current Champions, and thirdly placed, Neil's Diamonds to not let Pyeators have an easy ride of it that's for sure.

You're all lovely.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 67  178
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4 54  156
 3 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 54  152
 4 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 56  144
 5 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 52  141
 6 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 48.2 49  136
 7 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 46  135
 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 52  132
 9 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       49.6 54  126
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         47.7 61  121

Week 02: Panic Pogging

You lift your left leg up...

We, here at Studmarks, are suffering from Second Week Malaise Syndrome.  You've probably heard of it, we suspect.  There's been a nasty bout of it going around.

So here we go...

Manager of the Week is Dave 'Second Place' Clayton.  Indeed, Dave's Pyeators scored 61 points this week and while in the old days that would have been e-nor-mungus, we're still not quite sure how very big that really is, are we?

The bigger news is, perhaps, that we have our first transfer submission.  Dr Nick 'Hair Trigger' Reed has broken the seal on the OFFL transfer market by PANIC-REMOVING Pogba from his Pogboom, which can't be right, can it?  Surely the only reason behind Pogboom's very existence is Monsieur Pogba's presence, non? And how many other nervous managers will follow?  All 7?

Terrible situation.

In the meantime, here's our current Top FOUR Favourite Players...
---------------------------
PIN NAME     TEAM £M  TEAMS
---------------------------
196 Alonso, M CHE 4.3  13
606 Lukaku, R MUN 6.6  12
443 Salah, M  LIV 4.5  11
627 Kane, H   TOT 7.0   9

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 61  111
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4 53  102
 3 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 52   98
 4 Suits You Sur-man    Sarah Bingham        49.3 57   89
 5 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 46   89
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 35   88
 7 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 48.2 52   87
 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 35   80
 9 RockRollford United  Edgar Rayner         48.0 46   76
10 Wardy's Wasters      Gavin Ward           49.4 36   76

Week 01: Go, Go, Go.

Well, how does it feel?  Bit unnerving isn't it?  So many points for just one week's worth of work?  New point system that, isn't it?

Manager of the Week is, of course, Rick Beecroft thanks to his RS-TBOY netting him a good-looking 53 points.

Perennial Runner Up, Dave Clayton, is already occupying his second place spot while current Champions, Neil's Diamonds, have made an adequate start in the defence of manager McConaghy's Title.

But this is Week 1, don't forget.  And it is a marathon and it isn't a sprint.

SSH!

That's right.  You heard it.  A MARATHON.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 53    53
 2 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 50    50
 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.4 49    49
 4 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 46    46
 5 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 45    45
 6 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.9 43    43
 7 Wardy's Wasters      Gavin Ward           49.4 40    40
 8 Rushden Academicals 2Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 48.2 35    35
 9 Moobchester United   Jon King             49.9 34    34
10 Ali McMoist          Alison Faulkner      49.3 33    33

Slowly, Slowly, Footie Starty

Slowly, slowly, footie starty.

With eight days and two hours to go before the next Premiership game, we are already receiving teams from across the realm and it's good to see some familiar faces.

2013's OFFL Cup Winning Manager Gavin Ward is back with Wardy's Wasters while 2005/2006 League Championship winning manager Guy Harewood is also back with his marvellously monikered Bayern Bru.

Game Of Throw Ins are back too with the 2006/2007 League Runner Up Craig McHugh at the helm as is the more recent League Champion of 2015/2016, Minty Colquhoun - she's back with her Minions.  And, of course, we have 1996's League Winners Sheep City.  Martyn Field's woolly wallies are back with fluffy avengeance and out for a return to the glory days of ancient times.

Good luck with that.

Keep them coming people, keep 'em coming.

http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam

Do What?

Marathon though, yeah?

Our Most Gracious Chairman hasn't got where he is today without the canny ability to re-invent.

He may look like an aged traditionalist in his tweed waistcoat, spinning bow-tie and flat cap.  And as you look at Him now, shaking your head in weary resignation, He precariously lifts, shifts and leans a bulbous buttock upon a worryingly creaky hunting stick, audibly protesting the upholding of his corporeal volume.  You simply can't quite believe that he's changing everything.

What do we mean by that?

The rules.  That's what we mean.

Eh?

What?  Them things what we 'av been 'avvin to adhere to for the past 20 odd years?

Yes, them things.

GONE are Full Backs and Centre Backs.
GONE are simple 3, 2, 1, -1 point scoring values.

Please mop that perspiration from your crinkled brow, it doesn't suit you.

For this season we shall be having "Defenders".  Not Full Backs and Centre Backs.  And you'll need four of them.

Thanks to Brexit, a hard Brexit at that, OMG Chairman has relented and reduced the prices of the players in general, a short-sighted global economic policy you'll agree, but there we have it, it's not real money and we'll do anything to distract ourselves away from the real world of rising prices, reduced opportunity and meaningless soundbites.  The world is a little less gloomy because we say it is.

So you have £50 million.  Points are awarded for appearances, clean sheets, penalty saves and goals while points are taken away for red cards, penalty misses and own goals.  It's all in the Rules if you care to have a browse.  But don't worry, The Chairman Is [Still] Always Right.

Use the new modified SelectYourTeam spreadsheet to help you, um, select your team.  Don't forget to give it an hilariously clever name.  You'll be judged harshly if you don't.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is that.

Isn't it?

We start scoring after the international break.

GO!

Again, Again, Again.

Shall we?

Week 41: Winning and Not Winning

A fantastically fascinating final furlong in the ferociously fought fumble for the fantasy football title.

A massive Manager of the Week certificate-winning week's score of 42 points from the recent long-time league leaders Pyeators threw Dave Clayton's lads all the way back up the table earning themselves a final Second Place finish to the season for the third time in five years.  They landed up there with a bump, short by just 11 points, behind this year's Office Fantasy Football League Champions, Neil's Diamonds.  Yes, it's now official.  Congratulations to Neil McConaghy who hasn't won the title since 2008 when he topped the table with Big Mac's Mingmongs.

Congratulations/Commiserations therefore to Dave 'Runner Up' Clayton who adds 2017 Runners Up, to his legacy of losings.  This includes 2014 Runners Up, 2013 Runners Up and 2012 Cup Runners Up.  "Don't worry Dave," as we've comforted him almost every year since 2012, "there's always next season."

Meanwhile, talking of not-winners... the curiously quixotic Edgar Rayner had the chance of a Fantasy lifetime to lift the OFFL Cup... here's what happened:

==============
OFFL Cup Final
--------------
RESULT

Inter Milandrover 26 v 11 Moreton Rovers
          Smasher         Edgar Rayner

Indeed, with a few clever transfers Mr Rayner would have definitely definitely definitely had it 'dans le sac'.  But disastrously tethered to his honourably unrealistic transfer policy ideals, the third-from-bottom-placed Moreton Rovers's lack of quality shone brightly through against Third Place Inter Milandrover who retain the title of 'OFFL Cup Winners' this season.

Indeed, Smasher taking the Cup for the second year running should momentarily mute much of the moaning from the many mortals within the Milandrover mingmongery who have been moodily mooting for Smasher's sacking after more than 20 years at the club.  As it happens, their legendary manager has just signed another two year extension to his contract.

And with that, we say goodbye and thank you for your participation in yet another OFFL Season.

Roll credits with a backdrop of Neil McConaghy lifting the League Title to an exciting music track of pop metal.

OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2016/2017
Neil's Diamonds, managed by Neil McConaghy on a score of 448 points

OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CUP WINNERS 2016/2017
Inter Milandrover, managed by Smasher, by 15 points

T h e  F i n a l  T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8 21 448

 2 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.5 42 437

 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 26 435

 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 32 433

 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0 14 415

 6 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2 27 414

 7 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8  7 404

 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 23 399

 9 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.7 41 395

10 Irishpool            Mike Smears          54.2 24 385

Week 40: West Spam United

Livercoolio's Transfer Requests

Unless a miracle hits the fan [depending on which team you manage] it looks like Mr McConaghy has the OFFL Championship 2016/2017 all sewn up.  18 points separate his Neil's Diamonds ahead of second place Inter Milandrover.  All ears cocked toward the gargling Fat Lady.

Dave Clayton and Ashley Keeler are joint Managers of the Week with a score of 32 points for Pyeators and It's A Snickers respectively.  What a way to go into the final week of the season.

Meanwhile, the blameless OFFL are embroiled in a transfers scandal involving Livercoolio being maliciously Spam Filtered out of submitting transfers by Google.  So if you've spotted an apparent glitch in the table please rest assured, Livercoolio are currently Fourth in the table with all appropriate points awarded.

And talking of transfers... none have been submitted by Moreton Rovers' Edgar Rayner meaning Smasher is in with a shout of winning the OFFL Cup.  How magnanimous of the singer from Loopy...

==============
OFFL Cup Final
--------------
The Final takes place in Week 41

Inter Milandrover v Moreton Rovers
          Smasher   Edgar Rayner


   Inter Milandrover             Moreton Rovers
   ----------------------------------------------------
GK P Cech        ARS   4.2   v   D De Gea     MU    4.3
FB K Walker      TOT   4.3   v   C Fuchs      LEI   4.2
FB L Baines      EVE   4.3   v   A Barragan   MID   3.5
CB G Cahill      CHE   4.5   v   J Collins    WH    3.8
CB A Williams    SWA   3.7   v   C Smalling   MU    4.5
MF R Snodgrass   HUL   3.5   v   J Cuadrado   CHE   4.7
MF E Capoue      WAT   3.3   v   J Wilshere   ARS   3.8
MF K De Bruyne   MC    6.5   v   A Ramsey     ARS   4.8
MF Pedro         CHE   4.8   v   R Mahrez     LEI   5.6
MF Z Ibrahimovic MU    8.0   v   D Sturridge  LIV   7.3
MF A Sanchez     ARS   7.6   v   S Aguero     MC    8.5

---

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8 29 427
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 23 409
 3 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0 30 401
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 20 401
 5 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8 18 397
 6 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.5 32 395
 7 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2 26 387
 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 22 376
 9 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         53.3 17 365
10 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  6 365

Week 39: Fidget-Spinning in Excitement

Neil's Excited

Manager of the Week?  Malcolm Meaden-Pratt.  16 points for Starpratt Mustgo.  They're up into Thirteenth, four places above wife Karyn. *Sizzle*.

Meanwhile at the top of the table... two weeks of results to go.  12 points in it.  Is the gap too big?  Yes, probably.  Let's be honest.  We can see Neil McConaghy fidget-spinning in excitement.

But what of The Cup?

========
OFFL Cup
--------
Semi-Finals, RESULTS, Wk39

           RS-TBOY  5 v 10 Inter Milandrover
     Rick Beecroft         Smasher

Dowds Farm Goblins  6 v  7 Moreton Rovers
      Nick Borrett         Edgar Rayner


The final is therefore between Inter Milandrover and Moreton Rovers.  Moreton Rovers have 12 transfers left while Inter Milandrover have none.  This means that Moreton Rovers can GUARANTEE a cup win if they can spot any player that is out injured for the rest of the season in Inter Milandrover's team. They just have to swap the entire team to copy that of Inter Milandrover's apart from the injured player and put in a cheaper replacement.  Make sense?  One manager hopes not.

Good luck to Eg Rayner in working it all out, if indeed he can be bothered.

Of course he can be bothered.

It's The Cup.

The Final takes place in Week 41.

==============
OFFL Cup Final
--------------

Inter Milandrover v Moreton Rovers
          Smasher   Edgar Rayner

It's Second against Third From Bottom.  Transfer deadline, Monday 1730 hours.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8  2 398
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 10 386
 3 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8  6 379
 4 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0  6 371
 5 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8  2 368
 6 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.5 -1 363
 7 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2  2 361
 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  5 359
 9 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9  6 354
10 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         53.3  2 348

Week 38: Diamonds On Course For League Title

McConaghy: Getting ready to accept the title

The magnificent Alex Blundell, dithering from one week to the next, is rewarded for his dawdling with a Manager of the Week certificate.  His Moanchester United netted a massive 32 points moving themselves up six places.

Meanwhile Neil McConaghy has nudged his Diamonds even further away from the chasing pack of wannabes.  Now 20 points ahead with 6 transfers left it all looks like what one might call a commanding lead - and at such a late stage in the season too.

Meanwhile...

--------

OFFL Cup

========

Semi-Finals, IN PLAY

           RS-TBOY v Inter Milandrover

     Rick Beecroft   Smasher

Dowds Farm Goblins v Moreton Rovers

      Nick Borrett   Edgar Rayner

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8 25 396

 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 14 376

 3 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8 15 373

 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 10 366

 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0 28 365

 6 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.5 19 364

 7 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2 15 359

 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0 20 354

 9 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 28 348

10 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         53.3 20 346

Week 37: OFFL Cup Semi-Finals Draw

The Wet Fish-Slap of Reality
  

It's that time of the year when Our Most Gracious Chairman has been too busy checking his MySpace profile and forgets that the season might be running out of weeks.  The usual flailing arms and panicked head-scratching would indicate that He's forgotten to schedule the OFFL Cup within enough weeks to play it.

So this year [if you can imagine it] OMG Chairman was flicking the doughnut crumbs off his continually ballooning belly, and about to plunge into a beautiful snooze, when the wet fish of reality slapped him harshly across the face.  Convulsing with panic, he vaulted into the green leather chair of his bureaux followed by the dragging of a chubby little finger down a column of dates in his Danii Minogue calendar while his tongue apprehensively clings to the outside of his upper lip.

"Ah," he thinks with relief "that could have been embarrassing"

The moment passes and he mops his brow with a polka dot hankie.

And thus...

--------
OFFL Cup
========
Semi-Finals, to be played over Week 39

           RS-TBOY v Inter Milandrover
     Rick Beecroft   Smasher

Dowds Farm Goblins v Moreton Rovers
      Nick Borrett   Edgar Rayner


Meanwhile, the Manager of the Week certificate goes to Stanley and Kate Wilson for skippering their Epic Yellowz to a chunky 11 points, boosting themselves up one place into Seventh.  They are 34 points off the top.  Couple of Winston Reid hat-tricks and they'll be right back in it.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8  9 371
 2 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7  9 362
 3 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8  3 358
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8  3 356
 5 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0  8 345
 6 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2  6 344
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0 11 337
 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  0 334
 9 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         53.3  8 326
10 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  9 325

Week 36: OFFL Cup Quarter-Final Results

Mike Smears is only just in the Top Ten

Bit of a shuffle at the top this week with Dave Clayton's long-time leaders, Pyeators, slipping down yet another place in the League. Current leaders Neil's Diamonds continue for another week at the top with a increased lead of 7 points.  Bielby's Livercoolio fall to Fourth, a few steps away from the dream of winning a third OFFL title in four years.

Manager of the Week, distressingly for all of us, is the decrepitly aged and calculatingly cantankerous Mike Smears.  His Irishpool pulled in a dastardly brilliant 18 points to push themselves up seven places into Ninth. A walking stick's ferrule away from being outside the top ten.

Meanwhile...

========
OFFL Cup
--------
QUARTER FINALS, RESULTS
Week 36

             RS-TBOY  7 v  6 Moobchester United
       Rick Beecroft         Jon King

    Starpratt Mustgo 10 v 11 Moreton Rovers
Malcolm Meaden-Pratt         Edgar Rayner
  
   Inter Milandrover 15 v  1 The Flying Geese
             Smasher         Mandy Noble

         Shutdown FC  9 v 12 Dowds Farm Goblins
            Sam Reed         Nick Borrett

Edgar Rayner mops his brow in relief as he and his Moreton Rovers cannot believe their luck.  They made it through to these quarter-finals by a Points per Pound decision after drawing with Guess Hughton and they've now made it through to the Semi-Finals after squeezing past Big Mally's enormous personality by one point.

Alas, the OFFL's attempted gender indifference has taken a bit of a knock with the last League Lady limping loo-wards with a loose lash lodged in an eyelid.  NOT crying. Indeed, Mandy Noble's Flying Geese loses out to Inter Milandrover's seemingly rudderless ship.

Meanwhile, Manboy Beeky von Beecroft also can't believe his luck as his RS-TBOY awkwardly push past the Moobs with one point to spare and eleven transfers spare to, surely, smooth the path to OFFL Cup glory.  Surely.  No, come on... SURELY.

You're all very lovely.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       54.8 14 362
 2 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.8 12 355
 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 15 353
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8  9 353
 5 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.2  6 338
 6 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0  1 337
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  7 334
 8 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.0  4 326
 9 Irishpool            Mike Smears          54.2 18 319
10 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         53.3 11 318