Week 03: Welcome to a Better Life

Championship-winning manager of yore, Guy Harewood,
desperate to get into the OFFL for a better life

Like the Swarming Immigrants that are currently terrorising our civilised shores, so the returning OFFL Managers cling to the rattling carriage roofs of this Fantasy Football train as it hurtles towards a delusionally better Fantasy life.

Clambering over the ineffective razor wire, for example, is Guy Harewood, a Championship-winning manager of yore who currently manages trees from his armchair in Tillicoultry.

Scrambling under the pulled-up bottom of a chain link fence and disappearing into the darkness of freedom is Rachel Jones too, as she herds her 11 illegals into this most giving of Leagues.

And look! Hurtling westward along the M20, nestling uncomfortably amongst the latest shipment of boxed TVs in the back of one of Norbert Dentressangle's finest assets is the Family Wilson - desperately clutching their pre-filled Housing Benefit forms.

And over there, clogging up that NHS queue, Malcolm Pratt is shiftily looking to steal that rather tempting hospital bed from under the noses of that efficient and eagled-eyed Health Trust middle management.

And finally, stealing one of our jobs in the Sweatshop, Sexslave & Domestic Cleaners industry is Ashley Keeler, returning to the OFFL highways and byways for another season of hopeless street-walking.

And the Chairman himself returning from another foreign scouting mission, swooping into Gatwick or Heathrow, from over the rolling hills and the open-spaced patchwork of greens that make up the South East of England - How could he possibly blurt out that OFFL Land 'DOESN'T HAVE ANY MORE ROOM!'?  Or that 'WE'RE FULL UP!'?

Because it simply isn't true.

So, come on you.  Come on in.  You're welcome. Wherever you're from.  Have a cup of tea.

Biscuit?

Right, now bloody get on with it and Select Your Team.

Manager of the Week is Minty Colquhoun again, her Minions scored 20 points for her team.  She's now a healthy second - just under the bulging biceps of our leader, Neil McConaghy and his Neil's Diamonds.

Anyone tempted to make a transfer yet?

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T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.7 10  27
 2 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 54.0 20  20
 3 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 54.9  9  18
 4 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    51.4  4  15
 5 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.9 15  15
 6 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood    54.7 14  14
 7 Guess Hughton              Nick Reed       52.2 10  13
 8 Seb Blattered Cod          Gavin Ward      54.3 13  13
 9 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  55.0 11  11
10 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   51.3  4  10

Week 02: Walking Amongst Us

OMG Chairman mingling at his local Waitrose

It's not often that Our Most Gracious Chairman mixes with the riff raff at his local Waitrose. He has loftier ambitions for his grocery shopping and tends to tolerate the retailer as a way of keeping the New Money out of Lidl.  Sometimes, however, he is forced to abandon his petty purchasing principles in order to mingle with the muggles - something akin to what Russell Bielby has decided to do this week... indeed, it is an obligatory pleasure to welcome back last season's OFFL Champion - we're honoured to have him walk amongst us and allow us the experience of multiple boo & hiss repression.

With six other OFFL Championship-winning Managers competing in the League [so far] this season, OFFL HQ commentators are expecting high quality managerial manoeuvrings.

And on that note, there have been some last minute rejiggings and re-jostlings.  Consequently, this has have seen last week's Manager of the Week Certificate Winner, Minty Colquhoun, slump to ninth in the table. A resubmission of her team has meant an interesting new future for Minty's Men [in spite of the loss of last week's table-topping, MotW certificate-winning 2 points].  All of last week's Managers with teams on less than zero have had their teams resubmitted enabling them to start afresh while others are still joining the league.

It all makes sense to someone somewhere. [EYES SHIFT TO A CHAIRMAN-SHAPED SILHOUETTE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM]

Manager of the Week is Neil McConaghy - his Diamonds netted a marvellous 16 points putting themselves firmly at the top of the pile.

We say 'Firmly'.  We mean 'Temporarily'.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.7 16  17
 2 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    54.9 11  11
 3 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.3  8   9
 4 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 54.9  8   9
 5 Bad Wolf United            Karyn Meaden    54.8  7   7
 6 Moreton Rovers             Edgar Rayner    54.6  6   6
 7 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   54.8  6   6
 8 Guess Hughton              Nick Reed       54.6  3   3
 9 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 54.0 31   0
10 Seb Blattered Cod          Gavin Ward      54.3  4   0

Week 01: Fighting Injustice

The Chairman, fighting injustice with his old cellmates

Now, now. On behalf of Our Most Gracious Chairman, let us explain...

These are the first results - due to popular demand [splutter].

While we did explain that we would start scoring after the second week it has become clear that those who have bothered entering on time deserve a little more 'Service'.

Hence the published table.

While others are waiting to see how the first couple of weeks shape up before committing to their eleven, those brave few were being penalised - well, those who start off with a minus score are at any rate.  In past seasons, it was possible, in theory, for some latecomer to enter exactly the same team as an 'On-timer' and be above them in the league merely by choosing their team late.

OMG Chairman says "No!" to this injustice.  Therefore, the OFFL Umpa-Lumpas have been instructed to automatically resubmit any team with a minus score so far.  And to CONTINUE scoring.

We refer any naysayers [to be fair, they won't be getting this] to the section of this email marked RULES.  Particularly the bit about the Chairman being right  all the time.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2   2
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1  1   1
 3 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.3  1   1
 4 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.7  1   1
 5 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 54.9  1   1
 6 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   54.8  0   0
 7 Moreton Rovers             Edgar Rayner    54.6 -1  -1
 8 Bad Wolf United            Karyn Meaden    54.8 -1  -1
 9 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.9 -2  -2
10 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    54.9 -3  -3

Week 00: Ticks On, Kicks Off

The Excitement: What'll he be wearing?! 

As another English Premier League football pre-season quietly ticks on to an over-expectant Football Focus, what we're all actually wondering is of course what phantasmagorical facial follicle fup uck will The Lad Lineker be trying to get away with as the season kicks off into a full blown Match of the Day.

We're thinking toothbrush 'tache.

He'll blame it on Movember, of course, but enjoy it while we can - it looks like The Big BBC Shake-up could well reduce the primacy of the premier Premiership coverage to a Facebook page, a few Tweets and a sixty second round-up at tea-time hosted by Konnie Huq.

Yup.  That's what we're bleakly forecasting without a shred of evidence.

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

...out on bail and already planning his next fantasy reign of terror is Our Most Gracious Chairman.

Having bunged his way to the top and also having promised to root out the 'cancer of corruption', OMG Chairman is in rude health.  Very rude.  The last week has been mainly spent splitting infinitives and fiddling with yet another remote control trying to discover how to persuade the digital video recorder to work in time for Saturday night's flagship football show.

And He's really looking forward to 10.20pm when he'll be firmly balancing his pint of gentleman's pop on top of his belly-bulge.  But if last season is anything to go by, He'll be spending most of Match of the Day stifling yawns and fighting off the heavy sleep that He inevitably plops into an hour before the credits roll - before the usual panel of slapheads begin their nonsensical analysis of the opening match if the truth be told.

And it's never certain the truth WILL be told.  Not in this irregular weekly missive.

But there we go.

Now go pick a team.  The usual rules apply.  This season we'll begin scoring after the second Saturday.  It gives everyone a chance to have a peek at the footballing goods before committing to the inevitable 11 idiots.

Go on.  Off you toddle.  Use this link if you need to... http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam.

OMG Chairman and his aspirations for the season