Week 20: Livercoolio Enjoys Christmas

Manager of the Week, this most festive of weeks, is Russ Bielby. His Livercoolio scored 23 points pushing themselves up to second place in the table.

And Mr Bielby isn't resting on his laurels and hardies there. He's only gone and jiggled his front line-up up. Another fine mess he's got himself into?

Week 19: Twas the Week Before Christmas...

Manager of the Week this week is Rob Ivison again after managing his team toa very impressive score of 35 points. Massive. The score means A God
Called Fred climbs up five places in the table.

Just as worthy of note is Sarah Johns's team [Johnnies Heroes] climbing nine places into Fourteenth.

Nine Places. Foof.

....and finally, at last...


The OFFL Cup

Your League Table position after the Christmas period will determine your
OFFL Cup fixture for the First Round, i.e. ninth place in the table will
play sixth, fourteenth place will play thirteenth etc.

9 v 6 14 v 13 20 v 8 24 v 28
19 v 23 18 v 10 2 v 31 25 v 16
27 v 7 29 v 30 12 v 11 15 v 26
32 v 22 3 v 5 1 v 17 4 v 21

Week 18: Reaching Out to the Masses - and then changing one's mind

Yes, it was a funny old morning. Our Chairman had awoken five hours earlier than normal and so decided to try out something referred to as 'Breakfast' for once.

He'd greedily started munching through his over-milked cornflakes in front of the BBC's morning telly offering when suddenly an image appeared that made him gasp and panic for a short sharp switch back to the dry, humourless Turnbull & Williams sofa love-in.

In fact, the sight that was, quite literally, thrown up on Our Chairman's tastefully tinsel-framed screen was so traumatic that Our Usually Dignified and Most Serene Chairman returned the throw-up by guffaw-spewing an entire mouthful of milk and soggy flakes all over it as he desperately tried to reach for the remote control Off switch.

The sight that caused such spasms was that of OFFL Manager Nick Reed, of Gotsmanov's Salute.

On television.

In colour.

Shirt And Tie.

And Everything.

Clearly he was about to announce that his club was not in any financial trouble at all and could, actually, do with a bit more support from the fans. However, suffering from nerves and cold feet at the thought of the potential damage he could be doing to dressing room morale he chickened out at the last moment and ranted on and on about some sort of Transport Stat' about mobile phone usage on the road.

And such is the inadequacy of the current crap crop of investigative BBC Churnalists waving fluffy microphones in people's faces that the earnestly four-eyed presenter even encouraged Mr Reed to go off message with his stupid questions about accident rates and driving abilities.

Luckily for Mr Reed, the Chairman has decided against fining his team for having a manager that abuses his own pretty boy looks to intimidate the opposition. His eventual League position and inevitable Cup exit will be humiliative punishment enough.

The entire débâcle can be witnessed here http://j.mp/6He3MZ

Manager of the Week this week is Sarah John who guided her Johnny's Heroes to a weekly haul of 18 points.

Massive.

Arsenorm climbs furthest, up four, while Mat 'Lazy' Tucker wrestles last place from the incompetently loose and wimpish grip of Greg Spencer's Spencer's Heroes.

And finally, Neil 'Decimated Left Peg' Jukes retrieves the lead from Khumbula 'One Week' Dube.

And that, my lovelies, is all for this week.

Week 17: Our New Leader

After ten weeks at the top, Neil Jukes has been knocked off the top by Our New Leader, Khumbula Dube. Indeed, congratulations to the manager of Dube All Stars who enjoys a four point lead over Decimated Left Peg.

Manager of the Week is Rob Ivison whose A God Called Fred notched up 22pts, justifying his substitutes of a couple of weeks ago. Briefly.

A God Called Fred move up five places.

Meanwhile, Mat Tucker is desperately trying to seize Greg Spencer's spot at the bottom of the table by scoring minus 1 this week. This could, actually, be seen as attempted Actual Bodily Harm what with Greg's unexplained nosebleeds the moment he comes anywhere close to rising above bottom.

Week 16: Compression

Things are beginning to shift. The Chasing Pack [positions Three to Eight in the table right now] is compressing. And making up ground on the Way Aheaders.

OFFLologians seem to be commenting that history suggests we should expect a lone team to be spat out of the Chasing Pack in an upwards direction, any time soon, taking the leaders by surprise.

And the reason for this League Table Brownian excitement?

http://j.mp/8RF07I

Yes. It's amazing how one little teapot can have such an effect on League activity. The thirst for glory. The romance of the cup. It's inspiring, isn't it?

For the second time this season, Manager of the Week is Dan Manns. His team, Mannschester Rovers netted 23 points this week, moving them up to seventeenth. Menarepigs Is Back have finally leapt over the 100 point mark and Olymping Macdrid move up four.

You're all rather lovely.

Week 15: Earthquake

Some might put an open palmed hand to their foreheads in disbelief. Others might just have frozen to the spot, eyes wide, with a frightened, but steady gulp to give away that feeling of shock inside. And those from the highly predictable F•R•I•E•N•D•S generation would merely have clasped their hands to their mouths to mufflescream the drama queen's speech of...

Oh.

My.

God.

They say, indeed, that the fore mentioned deity moves in mysterious ways. This is often just a phrase used to cold comfort a chit-chatter after news of a major human disaster. Like an Earthquake, for example.

Well, He [or She] certainly unleashed the Point-equivalent of an earthquake on this particular Fantasy Football League Village. Not only did the Manager of the Week certificate go to Khumbula Dube for his Dube Stars' 34 point mega-haul, but also the worst score of the season [so far] has been suffered by, yes, we all know who, Mat Tucker's Tat Mucker.

Minus 9.

Thank you Jermaine Defoe and Aaron Lennon.

The Table has been shaken with such ferocity that teams have been jiggled around the League placings like never before. Smasher falls to seventh, Pompey Puss falls seven, Wymondham Wanderers climb five, Dirtbox Albion climbs up six and Cardinal Gold Rovers climb highest by jumping up eight places.

Massive.

Word.

The 2010 OFFL Cup Prizes

It's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?


Indeed this is what makes the pain worthwhile.  Knowing that it's for something special.

Indeed, play this little YouTube clip to see this season's very exclusive prize for the eventual winner of the OFFL Cup. 

 "It could be you"

This season's prize was proudly donated by Mr Mark Faulkner.  There are also a couple of consolation prizes for the runner up of course. 

May the contest begin.

WEEK 14: Johnny's Zeroes

On most Guy Fawkes Nights, our most gracious Chairman is very much like a pre-spooked Ebenezer at Christmas.

Wrapped up in a thick winter coat, woolly scarf strangling his throat into nothing but grumpsome gurgles, wheezingly wondering how on earth his personal nurse had come to the conclusion that an outside stroll to see the fireworks would be of any enjoyment to him whatsoever.  Whiz Bang Bah Humbug!

However, this year, something happened to distract the tedious ooh-ing and aah-ing at the overhead explosions.  Whilst trying to stealthily extend a would-be thieving mitten-clad hand in the direction of a distracted child's half-eaten hot dog, The Chairman suddenly caught sight of the only remaining telephone box in town.  Not particularly attention seeking on its own you might think but on this occasion Our Most Sober Chairman was taken aback.

Within the telephone box was a whirling woman blurrily spinning into a change of blue and red.

Suppressing his urge to rebuke her for occupying a telephone box without any intention of using it for its designated purpose, our Chairman watched astounded as the door opened to reveal the Manager of Johnny's Heroes, Sarah John [pictured] step out dressed as Supergirl, sniffing the cold air for a fantasy team to save.

Indeed, our erstwhile superzero has turned her attention to her own outfit of fantasy failures.

At last.

In a press statement she claimed that the overpowering smell of gunpowder on the night had inspired her to "put a rocket up my team and bring much needed sparkle to the languishing damp embers which has become Johnnies Heroes".

Six transfers followed.

And to be honest, that's really all we, here at Studmarks, had for you this week:  "Sarah John submits six transfers".  But, well, you know how it is once the Chairman has one of his hallucinations.

More interestingly, perhaps, the Manager of the Week certificate is being torn up, with each piece being shared out amongst Alex Blundell, Nick Reed, Alun Edwards, Dan Manns, Sarah John, Gavin Ward and Adrian Bradley.  All of whom managed to steer their respective teams into scoring an enormous 3 points.

Aww Bless.

We thank the distorting effect of yet another 'International Week'.

Week 13: Bottom Dweller Creepage

Last week's bottom-dweller is this week's Manager of the Week certificate winner after Edgar Rayner's Knievel United notched up an untouchable 21 points. This has also meant a rise of one place in the table for the latest entrant to this year's competition.

Current Champions Radnorshire Tigers, however, can't be quite so pleased with themselves as they drop like a stone, scoring minus 3 and falling four places. We, here at OFFL HQ, hear rumours of the much maligned 'backing of the Chairman' for manager Mr Edwards.

Things are bleak. Oh so bleak.

Three More Hundred Pointers

Flicking off the crumbs of yet another fun-size packet of Maltesers from the taut surface of his debauched belly, the Chairman actually managed to notice this week that the teams in positions two to six all made up some ground on the early season tearaway leaders, Decimated Left Peg.

Then a button popped off his waistcoat and stole his attention away from all matters OFFL leaving us here at OFFL HQ to marshal things as usual.

Which means that we have decided to fill this annoying piece of time-waste with news that Upmintster United, Pompey Puss and Tesco Value FC are the latest teams to pass the 100 point mark. And also that, in spite of getting rid of Agbonlahor just before he hit a very rich vein of form, Livercoolio push into third.


Manager of the Week this week is Lionel Larking whose Pompey Puss notch up a purrfectly acceptable 22 points Meanwhile good news also greets this week's highest climber, Rob Ivison's A God Called Fred who ascends five places.

And everyone stare at Nick Reed. Go on. Yes. His Gotsmanov's Salute fall farthest. Down seven. Stop sniggering at the back - it could happen to you next week. Well, most of you.

One Hundred and Fifty-Three Days

As the nights draw in, the clocks have finally gone back and we're all throwing longing glances in the direction of calendar 2010.

Only one hundred and fifty-three days till British Summer Time.

Sigh.

So, while we wait for that smell of freshly cut grass to waft through the car window as we queue on a sunny motorway slip road in March we have to distract ourselves with the important things in life.

Like the fact that Russ Bielby and Ashley Keeler have jointly won the Manager of the Week certificate. They steer their respective Livercoolio and Tesco Value FC to 20 points each. Livercoolio climb six places into fourth.

Highest climber of the week is Lionel Larking's Pompey Puss, up seven. Steve Tierney's Wymondham Wanderers fall furthest, down seven. [Sniggerchortle].

Week 10: Lead Stretched

Another three League teams pass the 100 point mark with Inter Milandrover regaining second spot. Overall, however, the chasing pack loses ground [1 point] to leaders, Decimated Left Peg.

Manager of the Week is Craig McHugh who steered his Olymping Macdrid to a point haul of 12, kicking them up the ladder by, oh, one place. Highest climber this week is Chris Brown's Must Kill Mojo [up four] farthest faller is Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers [down four].

Everyone stare at Dan Manns and Gavin Ward [snigger] minus one point this week.

One Fixture May Not Mean Much To You, But It Does To Gavin

HashaSmasha netted 3 points this week earning manager Gavin Ward the Manager of the Week certificate and a climb of one place in the table. Highest ascender is Radnorshire Tigers, up two places, after scoring a mammothian 2 points.

We also welcome Edgar Rayner into the fold. His team Knievel United is in no way a blatant marketing attempt at raising sales of the album 'This Year's Evel Knievel' by Loopy on iTunes.

On iTunes.

That's iTunes.

I. Tunes.

Meanwhile, we await bandmate Tom's entry which will, we are led to believe, only include footballers' names that have musical connotations. Our collective eyebrow is arched into a cramp.

And finally, we welcome back Rick 'Captain Beecy' Beecroft from his honeymoon this week and hope that he and his 'Assistant Manager' had a great time [pictured].

Tweet Tweet

Week 08

Manager of the Week this week is Neil Jukes who extends his lead at the top of the table by netting 22 points for his Decimated Left Peg. Livercoolio rise highest, no thanks to Agbonlahor of course, by climbing six places while Champions Radnorshire Tigers and Not-Champions Lashings of Cheese fall three. Olymping Macdrid fumble their way off the bottom of the table.

Is it time to reveal this season's OFFL Cup prize yet?

It's All Arsenorm About Face At The Top

We have a change at the top as Inter Milandrover fail to surf the wave of points that crashed against the OFFL shore this week. They get barged out of the way by new leaders Decimated Left Peg and last week's Manager of the Week's Lovedean Academicals.

With an amazing score of 26 points, we see Arsenorm more than double their point tally so far this season earning their manager, Mark 'New Dad' Norman, this week's Manager of the Week Certificate, Keane TOT and O'Shea MU doing most of the work.

Moanchester Onionited climb highest [six places] into eighth while everybody stare at Andy Straw and his Nuttingham Florist... they fall lowest [seven places] into thirteenth.

Are you ready to find out more about this year's cup prize?

Chasing Pack Close In

Manager of the Week this week is Danny 'Champion of the World' Atkins with a neat little point profit of 18 for his Lovedean Academicals. Ankle-knacked Guy Harewood's Torun Terrors climb highest [up six] into seventh place in the table while Kicking the Ahbit fall six. RS T-Boy, meanwhile, nudge into joint second alongside Decimated Left Peg and the chasing pack all close in on current leaders Inter Milandrover.

Tesco Tumble

Our Chairman has put his faith in the well-oiled machine that is the OFFL to run itself over the next week and a half while He has been invited over to the well-oiled provinces of Italy by the well-oiled Italian FA.

All in the name of 'Searching for New Talent' He reassures us. Though there's something quite amiss about that faint sound of what could be a sewing machine trying to over-take a cart full of olives on Puglia's Adriatic highway.

Manager of the Week this week is Kate 'Still Goes to Watch Oxford Play' Wilson with a rather chubby little score of 19 points. This takes the rather sexistly monikered Menarepigs Are Back up four places in the table. Biggest League Table movers, however, are Tesco Value FC: tumbling down five places. No movement in the top four though. Has the OFFL already established its Official Top Four for the year?

Bielby Goes Bonkers

Frontrunners Inter Milandrover and Decimated Left Peg have set the early pace this season with a large chasing pack not far behind, led by last year's runner-up RS T-Boy. It seems the rest of the League are comforting themselves with the wisdom that it is indeed 'a marathon, not a sprint'.

In the main, no-one is getting carried away...

In particular, Nick Reed.

His Gotsmanov's Salute, named after a cheeky little Belarusian called Sergey, have just dropped seven places after scoring a measly 5 points this week. Shame.

However, with the 'marathon, not a sprint' mantra reverberating reassuringly round his head, even Mr Reed isn't spunking transfers all over the place in an exuberant bid to claw back the terrible mess. Unlike Russ Bielby, manager of Livercoolio, who knows a thing or two about messy spunking.

Avid readers, [alright then, just readers] of last week's Studmarks will recall an early double transfer request from the self-monikered 'Rafa the Gaffa'. The First transfers of the season in fact.

Indeed, his managerial master-stroking consisted of booting out Arsenal's Arshavin and Aston Villa's Agbonlahor.... just as they both, as if by magic, did each score Premiership goals.

Anyone who has heard Our Chairman laugh out loud rarely forgets the awkward discomfort they feel during the experience.

Now, you would have thought that Mr Bielby, buttock-clenchingly desperate to keep within spurting distance of colleague Rick Beecroft, might have learned his lesson after Week 2. But no. Here he comes again... like an unfulfilled Kamikaze pilot on a bungee... this time with three spurnees. Gone are GK Begovic, CB Hangeland and MF Kuyt.

OFFL Umpa Lumpas are now preparing for a rush on the trio.

And, what with enough keywords in this post to surely throw Google's smut filter into an apoplectic censorship frenzy, we do hope you are able to read this edition of Studmarks.

Manager of the Week this week is Khumbula Dube whose Dube Stars notched up an impressive 25 points pushing them up six places into fourth.

Knee-jerk Silly Season Begins

Our Most Gracious Chairman has recently been complaining that the radio transmissions he intercepts from Interpol's communication frequencies have gone eerily quiet. It's a little hobby of his and has nothing to do with the little incident involving that Gibraltar Rock Ape and a packet of Nik-Naks last Spring.

What makes it so galling for Our Chairman is that this particular law agency has been asking some pretty interesting questions about some of the OFFL members.

Apparently, leading up to the radio silence, intelligence was focussing on the Stag Do Tourist Hot Spot of Prague.

After some initial digging [on facebook.cz] by our Studmarks junior, Piotr, it seems that it has something to do with the OFFL's inevitable Knee-jerk Silly Season having already begun...

Such is the excruciatingly exuberant enthusiasm to ensure his colleague Rick Beecroft doesn't leave him behind in the table again this year, Russ Bielby - the self-proclaimed Rafa The Gaffa of the League - has indeed knee-jerked himself into a transfer market Can-Can by already using up a sixth of his allotted swap requests for the season.

Russ has rapidly ditched the annoyingly unpredictable Agbonlahor and the diminutive Russian-all-over-the-pitch Arshavin in a bid to also ward off any suggestion that his wife, the 'The Weakest Link Winning' Madame of Marketing, Sarah Johns.

So, it seems the RealSense boys are going to be at each others' throats again this season. Which is excellent news for the rest of us. But not so great for RS T-Boy's Stag 'Event' in Prague at the weekend.

Manager of the Week is Alex "Bloody Hell" Blundell. His Moanchester Onionited netted a massive+1 31 points to secure his Manager of the Week Certificate that won't be making its way to him by the first post. And no, he was never a real footballer.

Not like Danny Atkins.

Week 01 - Welcome to the New OFFL Season

The wash of teams lapping up against the shores of the Chairman's wreckage of an inbox every August and September is always a pleasant reminder of how things never really change. At least, not the important things at any rate.

A bit like the regular 11am arrival of the 300g stool with the morning's papers fanned out at one's quivering slippers - there's something predictable about the majestically productive way it passes the time.

And the previous evening's supper of course.

Or, more prosaically, the dawn of the new OFFL Season can be seen as a stark reminder that we've done nothing with our Summer days and should, quite frankly, be ashamed of ourselves. Our childhood dreams of living more interesting lives have disappeared so completely from our exhausted imaginations that we're now vicariously pursuing a tiny fraction of them through a pathetic text based lunch time boredom reliever.

Whichever way you look at it, it's queer and it's here. So get used to it.

And having used up five paragraphs for what could be classed as the worst opening passages of a new season's Studmarks ever... Welcome to the Office Fantasy Football League Season of 2009/2010.

The unimaginative celebratory cakes have been unwrapped, the tea-urn has been switched on and the Umpa Lumpa's are dancing out their own peculiar, some might patronisingly say 'sweet', Haka at the coffee machine; all in preparation for team registration...

...and these are the nonsensical selections you've all made...[see below]

Manager of the Week this week is, clearly, Neil Jukes for his Decimated Left Peg. 27 points, claiming the first Top Spot of the season. The non-existent Certificate is [not] on its way to you, sir.

In the meantime, everyone else, don't get too distressed at your poor point scoring just yet. Always, remember... ALWAYS remember... it is a arathon, not a misprint.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com
http://twitter.com/offl

This year's OFFL Cup Prize is a real beauty this season folks so prepare for disappointment: There can be only One...[winner].

The Chairman is always right

When picking your team, don’t forget that it is, indeed, a marathon and not a sprint [distant cheers from afar].

The sooner you get your team in, the sooner you start getting points.

However, don’t forget... the later you get your team in, the fewer transfers you’ll waste on covering up the early naive mistakes you will no doubt make. Though, generally, it is accepted that the sooner you start scoring the better your final League position will be. Oh yes.

Here’s the lovingly prepared SelectYourTeam.xls sheet. You can also click on the link over to the right.

And what’s this? A new OFFL Cup Prize?

It’s one you will definitely NOT want to miss out on. Proper Straight Up and That, innit.

Ooh, yeah. One last thing. Er, never - and I mean never - forget...

The
Chairman is
always
right.

SS Syndrome and its inevitable cure

It’s not been an easy Summer what with normal Human Beings denied top flight football for months. It’s outrageous. No wonder the Chairman checks himself into the Betty Boothroyd Clinic for attention seeking addiction.

It’s a pattern that repeats itself every two years. Soccerless Summer Syndrome is its popular moniker and it leaves its victims trembling, dribbling and bibbling like a baby.

And this is how we find Our Chairman.

Again.

Over the last week he’s been trying to pull himself together but it won’t be long before he realises the futility of such a ridiculous notion. With a band of merry Umpa Lumpas helping him dress each morning he’s been given clearance to return to his dingy little bedsit constituency where he’ll start to prepare for Government.

Well, OFFL government at least.

The Studmarks presses are being oiled up, the calculators re-batteried and the bacon sarnies have been ordered for the first morning of OFFL action on Monday. Yes, Monday.

Without or without any OFFL teams.

You will be turned into an Official OFFL twit [available here: twitter.com/OFFL] when your application to join this year’s League has been accepted.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com

Firstly, for you twits out there wanting to keep twup to date with twOFFL then you can follow us http://twitter.com/OFFL. Simple really.

In the meantime: you could, of course, just subscribe to this blog.

Or wait for the usual emails and sod it all.

Whatever you decide, have a happy New Season.

Doing it with gloves on

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's another piece of evidence to thrust angrily into the faces of the naysayers, disbelievers and scoffers who think that the OFFL is just a whimsical nonsense enjoyed by the life-weary desk-trapped loafers amongst you.

Evidence, indeed, that evinces and convinces that this most beloved of OFFL competitions is worth every second that is ploughed into it and not a complete waste of valuable time that could be used to help old people across busy roads.

Our new Office Fantasy Football League Champions' manager, Ally Edwards, has taken the time to write to us all, even feeling the need to explain the history behind his team's name "Radnorshire Tigers".

No really, Ally, you needn't.... [too late]

"I really enjoyed this year's league - as I have the few years I've done it - but this year's headless-chicken knee-jerk reactions appear to have paid off!

"Never before won any kind of sporting accolade for leadership ;) although did once win man-of-the-match for 7 catches in one game (in the outfield)!

"btw the team name is from a story (sort of in the style of P.G. Wodehouse's 'Jeeves' crossed with Grossmith's 'Mr Pooter') written in local press circa 1901 in response to a news story as reported in The Times (Saturday, Nov 17, 1900; pg. 11; Issue 36302; col G - see attached imagefile). I worked as an archivist for years in Llandrindod and that story was my favourite artefact!

"Best wishes, Ally"

Archivists, eh? They do it with gloves on.

...it is now

The final day of the season and an assist from Steven Gerrard carries Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers those crucial two points further ahead of RS T-Boy. Just as the portly lady begins her x-factor audition.

And that's it.

Apart from the ashamed collective silence as it becomes clear that you don't have to be thin and pretty with a wide white smile to be able to sing. But you do have to be thin and pretty with a wide white smile to be able to judge those who aren't thin and pretty with wide white smiles etc etc

Basically, there's no more time left for Rick Beecroft to push on to his second League Championship.

No more time for the T-Boys.

Indeed, having led the table since Week 14, sharing top spot only thrice - with Inter Milandrover [twice] and Radnorshire Tigers [once] - Mr Beecroft's team looked set to own the bragging rights of the Derby OFFL contingent. But a stunning last two months from Alun Edwards's Tigers enabled Mr Edwards to enjoy an OFFL Cup Final and this most close of League Victories.

The League Championship. Is Yours. Mr Edwards.

And while Rick Beecroft stands there, blinking vacantly, he can't quite form the words required to whole-heartedly congratulate the Dennis Taylor to his 1985 Steve Davis. Meanwhile, the rest of the OFFL Managers rush up to shake hands with the last minute winner of the most prized prize in fantasy football.

Well done Mr Edwards, well done.

Cue stylistic montage of season highlights played over a pompous operatic performance of Puccini.

And while that plays out, relegated to a ticker tape style scrolling information bar at the bottom of the screen we see that the Manager of the Week is Andy 'Having another beer on another indeterminate hotel balcony with the Mrs now let's post it up on You Tube' Straw. His Nuttingham Florist scored a playing-for-nothing 17 points. At the wrong end of the table, Gavin Ward managed to keep just above David Manttan's Two-Oh-Ten relegating him to a season in the sin bin next year. Perhaps.

Well, this has been marvellous. Do hang around for the free canapés and cheap wine we've laid on for you. Thanks for coming. And we'll see you next year, yeah?

Week 41: The Penultimate Week

...and there we have the crux of the matter.  Of the season.

As we enter the final week's worth of play the race for the League Championship is tied at the top.

Remarkable.

It's as if Our Most Gracious Chairman had designed it so.

Having lost the OFFL Cup Final to Manager of the Week Lionel Larking's Pompey Puss, who hammered home 21 points in the week they needed it most, Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers now rest in First Place on Points per Pound difference knocking Rick 'First Place' Beecroft's RS T-Boys off his, um, First Place perch.

And it isn't just RS T-Boy and Radnorshire Tigers who fight for everything on the last day of the season.  Three other teams have the potential to sprint for the line too...  Current Champions BM Mingmongs could reclaim their title while it's still not over for Inter Milandrover and Olymping Macdrid.

And without actually needing to make it sound any more exciting than it really is, we here at Studmarks should just perhaps rest this edition of Studmarks to bathe in the exquisitely exciting anticipatory light that it has managed to generate itself over the past 41 weeks.

But no.  We had to labour it for just two last paragraphs.

OFFL Cup FInal Result

The OFFL Cup Final 

Radnorshire Tigers 16

Alun Edwards

v

Pompey Puss 21

Lionel Larking

 Where it counted on the day...

          Radnorshire Tigers   v   Pompey Puss

GK E van der Sar MU   3 v  3 M Schwarzer FUL

FB P Chimbonda   SUN  0 v  3 A Arbeloa   LIV

FB  J Lescott     EVE  0 v  0 P Jagielka  EVE

CB B Hangeland   FUL  3 v  3 J Bosingwa  CHE

MF M Taylor      BOL  0 v  0 T Walcott   ARS

ST F Torres      LIV  0 v  2 D Drogba    CHE

So, congratulations to the fluffy fella and commiserations to the stripy ones. 

Lionel Larking lifts the OFFL Cup for the first time and takes the spoils back to his litter tray.  Alun Edwards, meanwhile, can't believe his Tigers came so far only to fail and fall with the last tranquiliser dart in the hind legs. 

And while Lionel can relax with a back paw in the air, licking his modified mid-table giblets, The Radnorshire Tigers' season isn't over yet.  Oh no, there's an even grrrRREATer challenge awaiting...

Week 40: Radnorshire Rise

Alun Edwards is Manager of the Week again after his Radnorshire Tigers scored 21 points, fanning the flames of speculation that hint toward a miraculous Double Winning Season. Indeed, as the Tigers climb into second place in the table, they begin the OFFL Cup Final against Pompey Puss who's manager, Lionel Larking, won last week's Manager of the Week certificate.

I know, it's crazy.

In fact, Alun Edwards tops the Manager of the Week Certificate Winning charts so far this season with a total of five this season. And if we haven't hammered the point home enough... it's the final!

Week 39

The fight for second place is getting a little crowded up there while Beecroft's T-Boys enjoy another little surge away from the melee. And it's one of this year's OFFL cup finalists, Pompey Puss, pawing over this week's Manager of the Week certificate.

Nice.

Week 41 (Week beginning 11th May)
The OFFL Cup Final

Radnorshire Tigers
Alun Edwards
v
Pompey Puss
Lionel Larking

Radnorshire Tigers v Pompey Puss
GK - E van der Sar MU v M Schwarzer FUL
FB - P Chimbonda SUN v A Arbeloa LIV
FB - J Lescott EVE v P Jagielka EVE
CB - B Hangeland FUL v J Bosingwa CHE
MF - M Taylor BOL v T Walcott ARS
ST - F Torres LIV v D Drogba CHE

The Year of the Cat

With Jagielka out injured for the rest of the season and two Fulham defensive players possibly cancelling each other out it appears that the upper hand may be gloved with Radnorshire Tigers. However the smaller feline quadruped doesn't have the potential burden of a Sunderland defender.

Both teams have
CB N Vidic
MF S Gerrard
MF T Cahill
MF Geovanni
ST A Arshavin

Results out in 2 weeks.

Week 38: Low Roots, High Ambitions

One supposes that the big news of the week could be, nay - *should* be, the battle between the pretender Inter Milandrover and Champions Elect RS T-Boy all the way up there at the top. After all, this seems to have ambushed us into thinking that we may, actually, have an exciting fight to the finish on our hands this season.

One could suppose equally that the big news of the week might have been about the high scoring 35 points picked up by Mannschester United, earning all-round nice bloke Dan 'the Man' Manns the Manager of the Week certificate.

We could possibly have been cooing over the fact that Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers have leapt into a very strong third place worrying the League into discreetly taking out their strategy notepads in order to scribble down the newly circulating rumours that a Double could be ON.

But the story that we're telling today is one of low roots and high ambition [apart from the high ambition bit]. In a world where big money and high scoring grabs all the headlines; one man, an honest man, wanting a better life for his family [maybe not 'honest'], downtrodden for the most part, he now rises like a Phoenix from the Flames of Failure...

...Yes. Gavin Ward's Metatarsenal hit 17 points this week and climb off the bottom of the league and above a somewhat alarmed David Manttan who now, incidentally, has to fly back from the depths of southern Africa to reorganize his team into earning back some desperately needed dignity. Gavin's pairing of Ronaldo and Torres seemed to have done most of the leg work for him this week though his West Brom, Stoke and Hull defenders haven't really been living up to expectations this season. Well, actually they HAVE been living up to most people's expectations this season but just not Gavin's it seems. Congratulations Gavin. A mere 208 points behind the leaders. It is indeed a marathon and not, as I think we mentioned before, a sprint.

You're all very patient.

--

New Loopy Album out soon. You simply must buy it [or at least some of the eight tracks] to make this poor underachieving indie-pop band look good on iTunes. Guaranteed catchy, cheap and verging on the exclusive - well, put it this way... your real mates probably won't have a copy.

Week 37: Still tied at the top

Rob Ivison begins to claw back the 54 point lead that his Charlie's Angels have generously given the two current leaders by winning this week's Manager of the Week certificate. He begins his victory run-in by scoring 13 points. And Khumbula Dube's Dube Stars FC climb highest, two places. That's all.

That's all.

PS
Has Gavin Given In? [say that quickly, it's most pleasing].

Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In?

Week 36: OFFL Cup Semi-final RESULTS

Livercoolio's 21 point haul has meant Russ Bielby can rightfully claim his second Manager of the Week certificate. And as he pushes his band of merry merrymakers into, well, the same position they were in last week, we watch, bemused, as Inter Milandrover leapfrogs BM Mingmongs into joint 1st place, leaving the manager wholeheartedly regretting the decision to buy low-scoring Agbonlahor in place of high-scoring Arshavin. The race is wide open again.

Rick Beecroft's season seems to be unravelling as not only does he have to share top spot in the league but his dream of Doing The Double is finally over. Indeed this week has witnessed the return of the magical romance that sloshes around inside the The Cup [thanks to an unusually low score for RS T-Boys against the equally unusually high-scoring Pompey Puss]. Abeerden, however, attempted to get through to the next round by scoring less minus points than the opposition. Alas, the plan has faltered thanks to Alun Edwards steering his Radnorshire Tigers to a largely positive 17 points.

Now, everybody look at Campbellwin. Everyone stare at the manager... eek out the humility.

Minus seven points. Count 'em backwards. Minus seven.

OFFL Cup

Semi-finals, Results

Pompey Puss 15 v 0 RS T-Boy

Abeerden -2 v 17 Radnorshire Tigers

The Final...

Radnorshire Tigers v Pompey Puss

Week 35: OFFL Cup Semi-Finals

Ladies and Gentlemen. It's the OFFL Cup Semi Final Week.

Recent poor form throws some doubt on RS T-Boy's ability to carry a high-flying league position through to a Double-grasping OFFL Cup Final but the recent Adebayor transfer might just be enough. Meanwhile, the last [and only] manager to ever Do The Double, Steve Tierney, has to stop an in-form Alun Edwards and his Tigers before he can even start to think about defending that particular uniquity.

Manager of the Week this week is a fine and fabulous, purring like a Puma, Minty Colquhoun who steered her Upmintster United to a whopping 19 points. And that was without the help of Darren Bent.

Unsurprisingly.


OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals
Being played in Week 35 [w/c 6th April]

Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy
Abeerden v Radnorshire Tigers

Week 32: OFFL Cup Semi Final Draw

Manager Alun Edwards adds another Manager of the Week certificate to the one he [should've] got last week, albeit after a recount. He joins Malcolm 'Wishes He Was In The Middle' Pratt who also notched up a large 20 point haul, thanks mainly, perhaps, to Steven Gerrard's personal 11 point harvest.

Meanwhile, the boy Beecroft spits and stumbles like a red-nosed Scottish manager with a knighthood as his chart-topping T-Boys score a magnificent -2. Which briefly allows BM Mingmongs a sniff of his tail before bolting into the woods with a quick 'come hither' look over his haunches.

Indeed, the current champions had better extractus digitus pronto if they're going to make up the remaining 20 point gap and retain the title.


OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals
to be played in Week 35 [w/c 6th April]


Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy
Abeerden v Radnorshire Tigers


That's Lionel v Rick, Steve v Alun as it happens.

Semi-finaltastic.

Week 32:

Addendum: Last Week, there should have been a Joint Manager of the Week. Alun Edwards also scored 14 points. The funeral of the Umpa Lumpa responsible takes place next Wednesday. Closed Casket.

Week 31: OFFL Cup Results

As the dismal fiscal Mistral of the current climate zephyrs its way over and around the OFFLs Administrative Provençal hills, we ask ourselves if there is anything, absolutely anything, we can do to cheer ourselves up?

And all we can hear is that bloody wind whistling through the silence as if Nature herself is taunting us.

So while the Chairman looks to sell up and move OFFL HQ to premises a little more 'bijou' we turn to the warmth of our security blanket that is the OFFL and begin our collective thumbsucking.


OFFL Cup
Results

RS T-Boy 7 v 3 Ant & Bex
Nuttingham Florist 0 v 1 Abeerden
Radnorshire Tigers 12 v 1 Dube Stars FC
Pompey Puss 5 v 4 Inter Milandrover

In other words...

Rick Beecroft 7 v 3 Ant Reeves
Andy Straw 0 v 1 Steve Tierney
Alun Edwards 12 v 1 Khumbula Dube
Lionel Larking 5 v 4 Smasher

This round is a prime example of how important the Draw for the OFFL Cup actually is.

Steve Tierney scrapes past Mr Straw with a diabolical point while the Pompey Puss got the cream against the Milandrover.

At this rate the Double is In The Bag for Mr Beecroft, surely. All due respect [i.e. none] to Tierney and Edwards obviously.

Manager of the Week is Jordan United's Grant Larking, again so soon, with a mediocre 14 points. But what's the point of trying to let him know he's won the Manager of the Week Certificate when we're actually speaking to him from HIS SPAM FOLDER.

Week 30: RS T-Boy runs away

As Dan Manns picks up the Manager of the Week certificate for being, quite lampard frankly, so much better than the rest of you [what with scoring 21 points for his Mannschester Rovers], Rick Beecroft nets himself enough points to put him 31 points ahead of second place - currently occupied by current champions BM Mingmongs.

Surely this has to be the most one-sided OFFL in years. Indeed, former Chelsea boss, Jose Mourinho launched a shock attack on the OFFL by insisting that it is embarrassing that RS T-Boy is running away with the League Title.

Mourinho, whose Inter Milan side don't face RS T-Boy in in Wednesday's crunch Champions League second leg at Old Trafford, is stunned at how easy it has been for Sir Richard Beecroft's men in the league.

And, in a trademark show of modesty, he went on to claim that it would be much different if he was still managing in the OFFL.

And at that point he was wheeled away by men in white coats while the gathering crowd turned their eyes at yours truly for clearly plagiarising someone else's feeble copy to palm it off as yet another Studmarks original.

If a barrel appears in barren times. Scrape it.

Week 29

Jordan Utd unwittingly wins the Manager of Week certificate which will probably come as a complete surprise what with Studmarks making its way directly into Grant Larking's spam folder, stuttering a "...but...!" on its way past. Probably. 13 points.

Other news: Olymping Macdrid's manager, and Rafa Benitez almostalookalike, Craig McHugh has made his last two transfers of the season and now sits on his hands in hope, trying not to fidget nor to complete the Benitez illusion by losing his rag at the managers above him.

Actually, he doesn't look anything like the Spaniard but you can tell what we were grasping at...

And Week 31 will be giving us our next round of results for the OFFL Cup but Who's Zoomin' Who?

OFFL Cup

RS T-Boy v Ant & Bex
Nuttingham Florist v Abeerden
Radnorshire Tigers v Dube Stars FC
Pompey Puss v Inter Milandrover


In other words...

Rick Beecroft v Ant Reeves
Andy Straw v Steve Tierney
Alun Edwards v Khumbula Dube
Lionel Larking v Smasher

The prize is beyond most OFFL managers' wildest dreams.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0_ZJoa8VBk

Week 28: OFFL Cup Results

The Chairman has been enjoying certain aspects of this so called Credit Crunch. Not only has it allowed him to guiltlessly use those two words to explain his own stubbornly innate stinginess but it has also allowed him to squeeze in a few self-serving adverts amongst our weekly words of wisdom. So, 'Why Not Buy A Loopy track from iTunes'

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=275073567&s=143444

Yes, Studmarks has finally given in to advertising. Indeed, if you 'Buy a Loopy track from iTunes You'll Be Happier Than If You Didn't'.

Dan Manns has had a stonkingly good week as he watches his Mannschester United notch up 18 points, winning him the much coveted Manager of the Week certificate. Congratulations Dan. You've moved up a place in the table too.

Not that the air is heavy with the stench of desperation but you could always 'gift' a Loopy track to someone you love and respect and make their lives happier too. All for just 79p. 'Friday in Firenze' is quite nice. It's got a cello on it.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Meanwhile Rick Beecroft's RS T-Boy's reign at the top is reinforced as they pull away from the current champions BM Mingmongs in second.

But.

Let's see how they got on in ...

OFFL Cup

Straw Bucharest 2 v 7 Pompey Puss
Campbellwin 10 v 12 Abeerden
Woolyback Town AFC 11 v 12 RS T-Boy
Nuttingham Florist 11 v 8 Rayner Midriff
Inter Milandrover 11 v 9 Tat Mucker
Ant & Bex 12 v 9 Two Owls
Upmintster United 7 v 9 Dube Stars FC
Radnorshire Tigers 15 v 11 BM Mingmongs

Father beats son; an Ant beats Two Owls; last two ladies lose out; and, the shock of the round, current league champions BM Mingmongs have been knocked out! Thanks to a jolly good hiding from Radnorshire tigers.

So, congratulations to Lionel Larking, Steve Tierney, Rick Beecroft, Andy Straw, Smasher, Ant Reeves, Khumbula Dube and Alun Edwards.

Now, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to buy your defeated opponent a Loopy track from the iTunes music store? Wouldn't it? Yes, of course it would. Click here to do just that...

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Next round will be in Week 31. Ish.

Probably.

Happy Birthday to Mr Tierney Snr for this week. May it snow for you. Again. Maybe someone will buy you a new Loopy track from the iTunes music store as a present. If they click on the following link here they might just be able to exactly that.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Week 27

Managers of the Week are Hilary Straw, Minty Colquhoun and Khumbula Dube for whom the score of 6 points was commonplace. Bit of a confidence booster then for this coming week's OFFL Cup.

It's for a great prize by the way. Courtesy of Chris Tierney.

OFFL Cup

--------

Results taken from Wk 28

Straw Bucharest v Pompey Puss

Campbellwin v Abeerden

Woolyback Town AFC v RS T-Boy

Nuttingham Florist v Rayner Midriff

Inter Milandrover v Tat Mucker

Ant & Bex v Two Owls

Upmintster United v Dube Stars FC

Radnorshire Tigers v BM Mingmongs