Steve Tierney gets the Manager of the Week certificate this week with his stonkingly massive 41 point haul. And it's still only 'half-time' in the Group Stages of the OFFL Cup. This also means he's climbed up eight places. Eight! Into ninth.
Unable to climb any places themselves, in spite of their own massive point gathering of 38, is top placed FC Maalcoma of course. Indeed, the rest of the league let out a collective sigh of dejected disappointment this week as Manager Mal's 'inevitable' descent through the table has been replaced by the opening up of another enormous gap between his team of flukers and the chasing pack. Cold comfort is the oft-repeated fact that we're only half way through the season and, as we all know, it is a marathon, not a sprint.
A marathon.
Not a sprint.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 36 244 2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.2 18 219 3 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.8 23 204 4 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.6 24 203 5 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 24 198 5 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.5 12 198 7 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 53.0 24 183 8 Moobchester United John King 53.5 12 182 9 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.8 41 173 10 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.4 19 172
Manager of the Week this week is Dave Clayton whose Pyeators claim a massive 30 points, pushing themselves up into third place. Congratulations Mr Clayton, and a merry Christmas to you.
...and to everyone.
Now sit back, loosen the belt, pour another glass of wine and switch on the TV to casually stumble across one of the many chances to catch Match of the Day.
As our Chairman starts running around the house, forgetting that he needs the toilet and sucking the sparkly fairy lights into his mouth his bless little Christmas Excitement Overdrive is not just being triggered by thoughts of his bearded chubby double squeezing down the chimney, oh no. It's also next week's start of the OFFL Cup First Round. WEEEEEEEE!
In the meantime, Johnny's Heroes slips down four places while Manager of the Week John King's Moobchester United [who scored a large 19 this week] now rest in sixth.
And Minty Colquhoun still thinks Darren Bent's got a major goal-scoring run left in him. Sorry, couldn't keep that in.
Finally, everyone give Kate 'Duchess of Oxford' Wilson a Pity Come-Hither look. Her Botley Yellow lose 4 points. She's not feeling great about it.
Thanks to Newcastle's Demba Ba's two unlikely goals this week Malcolm Pratt is able to put his two fingers up at the rest of the league's Managers who all believed that his tenure at the top would be terminated. They're now collectively issuing an under-the-breath "Ba Humbug".
[That last bit of wordplay was donated to Studmarks by the League Leader himself]
Meanwhile, Rick Beecroft humbly collects his Manager of the Week certificate after going 'back to basics' with his training for RST-Boy - success comes in the form of a massive 24 points pushing his charges up into fourteenth alongside the mighty Real Mcdrid.
Of note too is Kate Wilson's steering of her Botley Yellow past the 100 point mark, leaving the struggling and lowly Moreton Rovers and West Vam to shuffle themselves around once more at the bottom of the table - their own particular pain is temporarily tempered by the sudden appearance of Mr Chris Walsh and his Lashings of Cheese. Indeed, Chris finally joins us this season for the gory of the OFFL Cup.
I meant glory, obviously.
Glory. Yes.
Talking of which, a reminder...
The OFFL Cup
First Round Groups
The bottom team of each group will be knocked out of the cup. To be played over the Christmas/New Year period 24th December to 6th January. You still have plenty of time to make those cup-winning transfers.
Group A
FC Maalcoma
Johnny's Heroes
Olympilimps FC
Radnorshire Tigers
RST-BOY
Lashings of Cheese
Group B
Inter Milandrover
Multiple Scorgasms
Double's United
Real Mcdrid
Botley Yellow
Group C
Neil's Diamonds
It's A Snickers
Moobchester United
WWMC
West Vam
Group D
Pyeators
Irishpool
Minted
Livercoolio
Moreton Rovers
Manager of the Week this week is Inter Milandrover's Smasher. A mid-week-fixture-assisted 29 points nudges the current Champions up into second place alongside Neil's Diamonds. League Leaders FC Maalcoma's numerical margin of superiority is now down to just 4 points. Will Malcolm's eleven week reign at the top of the table come to end next week?
Probably.
The OFFL Cup
First Round Groups
The bottom team of each group will be knocked out of the cup. To be played over the Christmas/New Year period 24th december to 6th January. You still have plenty of time to make those cup-winning transfers.
Manager of the Week is current OFFL Cup holder Neil McConaghy for his team's 18pt haul, pushing Neil's Diamonds up into second place in the table.
Happy 'Special' Birthday goes to the wonderfully lovely Minty for last Sunday, yet another anniversary of your 21st Birthday. Your present? Another drop in the League table. Darren Bent wishes you all the best.
Cough.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 6 136 2 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.8 18 129 3 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.2 8 126 4 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.5 12 121 5 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 9 113 6 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.6 8 107 7 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 6 104 7 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 4 104 9 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.7 12 103 10 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 53.0 10 102 10 Irishpool Mike Smears 54.5 12 102 10 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 5 102
As we leave the 9th consecutive week of FC Maalcoma's tenure at the top, we see that the Manager of the Week this week is Neil McConaghy and his Neil's Diamonds. They score a rather large 21 points.
Last week's Highest Climbers, Real Mcdrid, become this week's Farthest Fallers, scoring -4 and falling down eight places, returning Mr McHugh to the lower echelons of the table. Meanwhile, Sarah-Jane John's Johnny's Heroes become this week's Highest Climbers by moving up six.
And finally for this missive, we at Studmarks would like to wish Manager Mike Smears a very happy birthday for this week [Thursday]. With more birthdays than anyone else in the league, we know he'll be struggling to remember it by tomorrow. Still, we hope he has a marvellous day all the same.
E.R. is no longer on T.V. And by that, of course, of course, of course, we mean Edgar Rayner is no longer above Tom Vamos in the race for the wooden spoon. And while Battling for Bottom sounds like they're a couple of bum fetishists, these managers of Moreton Rovers and West Vam respectively continue their attempts to keep up with Russ Bielby's woefully under-achieving Livercoolio.
At the other end of the table, with only 20 points separating second position from twelfth, the chasing pack are ever so gradually reeling leaders FC Maalcoma back into the fray. Indeed, Manager of the Week this week is second place Smasher and the 16 points that the Current Champions, Inter Milandrover, notched up sees them become only the second team to pass the 100pt mark, moving up to the top of this crowd of bustling title challengers.
Highest climbers this week are seven-place hoppers, Real Mcdrid. Manager Craig McHugh continues his sneaky upcreep by shuffling into joint sixth forcing fellow sixth-placer [and this week's lowest faller], Sarah Bingham and her Multiple Scorgasms, to budge up a bit.
First Round of the OFFL Cup is just a month away.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 5 119 2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.2 16 102 3 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.5 11 95 4 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 6 93 4 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 9 93 6 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.1 13 92 6 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.6 3 92 8 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 7 90 9 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.7 4 89 10 Moobchester United John King 54.7 6 86
Manager of the Week this week is, AT LAST, Mike Smears. His group of young whipper-snappers managed to turn up early to the Post Office this week and pull off a pension-busting heist worth 18 points.
Congratulations Mr Smears. Subsequently, Irishpool have leapt into fifteenth place in the table which is, after all, far betting faring than globe-trotting Tom Vamos. His recent absence from the UK, tottering around Japan, has been a noticeable distraction. In fact, West Vam have allowed Edgar Rayner's Moreton Rovers past them, into nineteenth, leaving Mr Vamos in last place.
"After you, Mr Rayner".
How polite.
In the meantime, Malcolm Pratt's FC Maalcoma are doing all they can to let everyone else catch up by scoring -3 points this week. Not quite sure what Mr Beecroft's excuse is however.
Play on.
By the`way, those functionaries at OFFL HQ would like to officially apologise to Dave Clayton. Three Umpa Lumpa's are dead now because of him. Ahem.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 -3 114 2 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 7 89 3 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.6 15 88 4 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 4 87 5 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.2 14 86 6 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.7 11 85 6 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 8 85 8 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 2 84 9 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 9 83 9 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 9 83
Big Mal's Skull after it had been prised open to check for sunshine
It's cold, it's dark. And that's just Malcolm Pratt's general outlook on life, including his prospects at the start of this season. Presently, however, were you to prise open the big fella's beautiful skull you'd see a completely different disposition, sunnier say, thanks to his FC Maalcoma still sitting pretty atop the table of Fantasy. And all this because the lead Mr Pratt's men have on the rest of the field is so fat that not even a few weeks of others catching up can make much of a dent [in his lead, disposition, skull etc].
This week's Manager of the Week is Rachel Jones whose Double's United notched up 18 points to push themselves up seven points into third. Remarkably, however, it is Sarah-Jane John's jolly Johnny's Heroes jumping highest this week. Up eight into sixth.
Other than that, furrow your brow and look at West Vam. While the manager is away in Japland, his untillered team take a turn for the terrible. -2 points.
Yes, minus two.
Happy Birthday Craig McHugh for Monday. So far so good.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 8 117 2 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.8 15 91 3 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 18 83 4 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 12 82 4 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 -1 82 6 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 17 77 7 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 12 74 7 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.7 8 74 7 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 8 74 7 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 11 74
Minted and the Pyeators make up another 4 points on Leaders Maalcoma whilst the Manager of the Week certificate this week goes to the wonderful Craig McHugh. 17 points sees his Real Mcdrid massively leap six places in the league into sixth.
Everyone look in shame at Rachel Jones. Down six.
Such a shame, such a shame.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 9 109 2 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 13 83 3 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.8 13 76 4 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 6 70 5 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.9 7 68 6 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.1 17 67 7 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 53.7 13 66 7 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 8 66 9 Inter Milandrover Smasher 52.1 16 65 9 Double's United Rachel Jones 53.9 0 65 9 Moobchester United John King 54.7 7 65
Dave Clayton uses another 'Manager of the Week' week to climb into fifth after a certificate grabbing 22 points were gobbled up by his Pyeators. Also this week, Malcolm Pratt's FC Maalcoma has ALREADY passed the 100-point mark with the chasing pack languishing 30+ points behind and Minty Colquhoun's Minted cruising into second.
Meanwhile, with only one male manager in the top four positions in the league, Studmarks poses the question: is it time to call upon the OFFL to bring incentives in for male managers to break through their perceived low-achieving status-ceiling in Fantasy Football? Should male-only lists be drawn up?
You're all lovely.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 55.0 13 100 2 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 19 70 3 Double's United Rachel Jones 54.1 7 65 4 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 14 64 5 Pyeators Dave Clayton 54.8 22 63 6 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.6 13 61 7 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 6 60 8 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 4 58 8 Moobchester United John King 54.7 14 58 10 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 7 56
Manager of the Week is Dave Clayton. His Pyeaters scoffed a large 24 point portion.
Highest climbers this week are Neil's Diamonds as they jump up ten paces into third.
It's been a gripping week.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 54.8 18 87 2 Double's United Rachel Jones 54.1 3 58 3 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 3 54 3 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 16 54 5 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 4 51 6 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 9 50 7 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 7 49 8 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.6 3 48 9 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 54.9 18 47 10 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 7 45
Malcolm Pratt's over-the-shoulder view. Say it: "Pelaton".
What do you mean a couple of weeks behind? How dare you?
No, YOU shut up.
Manager of the Week this week is Malcolm Pratt again. But this week his FC Maalcoma have notched up a massive 27 points to put themselves 14 points ahead of the pelaton.
And lo, a word that was unknown to Studmarks before the Olympics has been seemlessly absorbed into the OFFL vocabulary.
Pelaton.
Pelaton.
Go on, have a pop at it. Swill it around your mouth and try it out for yourself.
Pelaton.
That's right.
Pelaton.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 54.8 27 69 2 Double's United Rachel Jones 54.1 17 55 3 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 6 51 4 Minted Minty Colquhoun 55.0 15 47 5 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.6 10 45 6 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 12 42 7 Multiple Scorgasms Sarah Bingham 54.4 17 41 8 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 5 38 8 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 9 38 10 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.7 11 35
Back in the old days, in spite of the Hallowed OFFL Rules being nailed to a Wittenburg Castle church door for all to see [pre-internet obviously], if a manager was to try and submit a transfer, or set of transfers, that would render his or her team illegitimate, an immediate Point Fine would be levied upon that manager's team.
Since then, and after a particularly nefarious spate of attempts to get illegal teams past Our Most Gracious Chairman, the latest technology was applied in developing the tools to make it almost impossible for a normal Homo Sapiens to come up with a wrong selection. We're talking about the dastardly sophisticated 'SelectYourTeam' spreadsheet.
Since the widespread use of this spreadsheet tool, no manager has submitted an erroneous team.
Well, most erring errers are allowed at least one second chance at any rate. But when that errer makes a second attempt to slip an illegality [without even the offer of a bribe] past the Chairman then it's time to warm up the wagging finger.
And this season, the digit of discipline indignantly dithers in the face of Rick Beecroft - after trying to get three Chelsea players into his team, he then changed tack and went for three Arsenal players instead.
After firstly dropping hints to 'Studmarks' journalists, the OFFL Police were on to the situation immediately.
OFFL HQ have issued an instant 30 point fine to RST-BOY, pending an appeal. Beecroft commented "I'll have your job for this you pleb", directing his ire at a uniformed Umpa Lumpa.
The Chairman was unavailable for comment though was observed, through a thick cloud of cigar smoke, leaning back in his reclining throne with a smug grin on his chubby little face.
Manager of the Week this week is Malcolm Pratt. He steered his sterling steers to a weekly steerage of 13 points moving his FC Maalcoma into second pace in the league.
Highest climbers are Neil McConaghy's Neil's Diamonds and Sarah Bingham's Multiple Scorgasms: both up five places.
Birthday Boy [for Wednesday] Alun Edwards is again this week's Manager of the Week notching up a further 17 points for his Radnorshire Tigers and cementing his team's First Place in the League.
Well, we say 'cementing' but we actually mean 'blu-tacking to a warm wall'.
He doesn't look comfortable up there, does he?
Indeed if History is our friend, and it's never been the most pleasant of pals, we'll see the Tigers slipping down the ranks by about week 5.
Shivam Who?
Exactly.
[Happy Birthday Mr Edwards]
In other news, Rachel Jones' Double United skip up into second place while Neil's Diamonds fall down eight places.
Meanwhile, Congratulations go to Manager of the Wymondham Working Man's Club [WWMC], Steve Tierney, who has just sired another Tierney Twonk.
Have a lovely week, all.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 17 46 2 Double's United Rachel Jones 55.0 14 31 3 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 54.8 6 29 4 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 15 28 5 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.7 12 24 6 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.6 7 23 6 RST-BOY Rick Beecroft 54.9 0 23 6 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 54.9 11 23 9 Minted Minty Colquhoun 54.9 12 22 10 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 5 21
Second week into the new season and transfer requests have ALREADY been received.
Now, going on previous seasons' experience, some of you would doubtlessly guess that these requests are from Russell Bielby. And, indeed, you'd be be right. Russell Bielby has submitted a transfer request. But looky-ho. So have our current Champions and 15th place under-performers, Inter Milandrover.
Who says it's too early to panic?
Manager of the Week with 21 points for his Radnorshire Tigers is Alun Edwards. Congratulations, Sir. Top of the pile. Can you hold on to it longer than RST-Boy did.
Carry On.
PS
Any donations for the OFFL Cup prizes this year? The OFFL Lost Property department have nothing and we're getting pretty desperate.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 21 29 2 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 54.8 15 23 2 RST-BOY Rick Beecroft 54.9 12 23 4 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 11 17 4 Double's United Rachel Jones 55.0 11 17 6 Olympilimps FC Gavin Ward 52.6 16 16 6 WWMC Steve Tierney 54.6 16 16 8 Moobchester United John King 54.7 12 14 9 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 10 13 10 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.7 4 12 10 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 54.9 6 12
Our Chairman is still AT LARGE. And yes, most certainly, in more ways than one. Not only is He Out There, terrorising the Fantasyland locals outside of the law but he also remains his rotundly unthin self, wobbling from one 'social experiment' to another, braces astrain.
Which brings us onto His latest shockingly horrific carcrash of a social experiment.
Some of you may have thought that it was only a matter of time, or probability, while others have put their faith in this world not being quite That Sick. Alas, we now must treat these thoughts as potential reality. The point of this paragraph? Ah, yes, to inform the OFFL membership [you] that the sustainable legacy of the OFFL is being taken care of.
In the form of a Chairman Mini-Me.
The secret laboratory where most of the development is being carried out for this Super Umpa Lumpa is, well, secret. In fact, so controversial is this Shelleyesque nightmare that not even The Sun have been willing to break ranks with the rest of the British press sleaze and publish their usual unfounded speculative silliness.
We're sure there will more news scratching its way into your regular issue of Studmarks over the coming season. And while you're busy, either picking your team or watching your points rack up [or down] this week, why not waste more time with the following...
Any Other Business
One of our managers, Rachel, has given us this http://goo.gl/GBzIL ... pop by and sponsor her if you feel you can. She's doing it for her Ma.
Congratulations to Mr Smears who has seen his career opportunities expand exponentially after achieving an 'A' in his Spanish 'A' Level exam. If only he weren't retired. [Mrs Smears, age 26, achieved an A*. That needed to be mentioned]
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 RST-BOY Rick Beecroft 54.9 11 11 2 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 54.5 8 8 2 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 54.7 8 8 2 FC Maalcoma Malcolm Pratt 54.8 8 8 5 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 54.9 6 6 5 It's A Snickers Ashley Keeler 54.9 6 6 5 Double's United Rachel Jones 55.0 6 6 8 Johnny's Heroes Sarah-Jane John 54.5 3 3 9 Moobchester United John King 54.7 2 2 10 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 1 1
The Office Fantasy Football League Championship Winners 2012:
Inter Milandrover, Smasher
The Office Fantasy Football League Cup Winners 2012:
BM Mingmongs, Neil McConaghy
The Office Fantasy Football League Championship Runners Up 2012:
Norma Snockers FC, Sarah Bingham
The Office Fantasy Football League Cup Runners Up 2012:
Shamone Muddy Funksters, Dave Clayton
Like a tardy blob of paint just under the coving, Norma Snockers FC had a late run and doubled Inter Milandrover's week's score. However, Inter Milandrover only just managed to hang on to win win win the OFFL Championship by a mere 3 points.
That's the gnat's whisker they're always banging on about isn't it?
Indeed it is.
After a lame Championship victory back in 2000, Inter Milandrover's Manager has been unable to add anything of note to his pointlessly capacious trophy cabinet until finally, after eleven years of retrying, he managed to lunge past Norma Snockers FC to pinch the title away from what would have been the first female winner since Clare Colwell back in year 1, nearly 20 years ago. So we, here at Studmarks, heartily congratulate both Smasher and Sarah Bingham for 'the fight to the end'.
It truly was a marathon and not a sprint.
OFFL Cup Final
Shamone Muddy Funksters 6 v 8 BM Mingmongs
2008's League Champions' Manager, Neil McConaghy, has also been coming under pressure lately for not steering his charges to any further silverware [cardboardware] for the club. Well, that pressure has largely been lifted by lifting aloft his lovely looking new OFFL Cup Winners' Prize [courtesy of Craig McHugh of Real Macdrid] the 1975 All Stars Football Book. Indeed, his BM Mingmongs only narrowly beat Dave Clayton's Muddy Funksters by 2 clear points to earn his team the OFFL Cup. Mr Clayton, however, will console himself with the coaster-I-mean-CD of Football Anthems.
Thank you to Craig McHugh, last year's OFFL Cup winner, for donating this year's prize.
Manager of the Week for the final week is Mike Smears. His Irishpool netted 11 points lifting themselves into joint twenty-third in the table. Congratulations, Sir.
Sort of.
Other issues of note should include the Manager of the Week Certificates table. Here we see that Alun Edwards, OFFL winner in 2009, romp ahead of the rest for what it's worth*, 6 certificates over the season. How, indeed, come did you not win anything?
* nothing. It's worth nothing
MANAGERS OF THE WEEK -------------------- 6 - Alun Edwards 5 - n/a 4 - n/a 3 - Adriana Chittelborough, Sarah Bingham 2 - Jirka Opatrny, Jon King, Minty Colquhoun, Neil McConaghy, Nick Reed, Russell Bielby, Shivam Mehta, Smasher, 1 - Dave Clayton, Edgar Rayner, Filip Vejdovský, Lionel Larking, Mark Weavers, Mike Smears, Neil Jukes, Rachel Jones, Rick Beecroft, Rob Ivison, Sarah-Jane John 0 - Malcolm Pratt, Martyn Field, Chris Walsh, Lester Clark, Guy Harewood, Steve Tierney, Alex Blundell, Craig McHugh, Francis Fox, Alan Betteridge, Ashley Keeler, Dan Manns, Gavin Ward
Weeks at the Top ---------------- 26 - Norma Snockers FC, Sarah Bingham 6 - Inter Milandrover, Smasher 4 - Shivam's Sneakers, Shivam Mehta 2 - Sheep City, Martyn Field
Wooden Spoon: Gavin Ward of Wardy's Wanderers. Relegated.
T r a n s f e r s a n d s t u f f -------------------------------------
Norma Snockers FC ------------------- From: Sarah Bingham To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com Subject:
One last ditch attempt at glory!!!
I WANT TO WIN!! DADDY, I WANT A SQUIRREL!!!!!
OUT 442 MF G Bale TOT IN 450 MF S Pienaar TOT
Thank you Sir! x
---------------------- Chairman responds: Erm... you're too late, I'm afraid. Deadline missed. And as I check... yes, you would have ended up on exactly the same points as Inter Milandrover. But if it's of any comfort you still would have lost on PpP. By £0.2m. Shame. No, really.
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.1 4 488 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 54.9 8 485 3 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 3 445 4 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 7 440 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 54.4 6 438 6 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 5 417 6 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 8 417 8 All Hail The Chairman Rob Ivison 55.0 8 402 9 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 6 393 10 Chi'Knees Czechers Jirka Opatrny 55.0 3 392
Good grief it's tight. With a mere 7 points in it, Inter Milandrover have just one more week to secure-clasp the title from Norma Snockers FC. Cunningly, I'll say that again: cunningly, manager Smasher seems to have used up his last transfers to bring in as many of the Knockers' team as possible. But will this dastardly trick work? Only the final week will tell us. Only 7 points in it.
After the miserable performance of his favourite team in the FA Cup final on Saturday [no, it really wasn't a goal] Russ Bielby comforts himself with a thumb in his mouth [his] and a crinkly cuddle-up to his second Manager of the Week certificate of the season. His Livercoolio scored a large, large, large 30 points.
Meanwhile, Russ's friend and Real-Sense representative, the reprehensible Chwis Ralsh's Lashing of Cheese jumps into the top half of the table by climbing five places into fifteenth. Nice one.
And so, what have we here...?
--- The OFFL Cup FINAL
Shamone Muddy Funksters v BM Mingmongs Dave Clayton Neil McConaghy
These two teams are 5th and 7th respectively and only have three players in common. G Bale TOT, R Van Persie ARS and S Aguero MC.
So, these are the players battling it out, position for position.
Shamone Muddy Funksters Lge Pos: 5 BM Mingmongs Lge Pos: 7 Dave Clayton Points Neil McConaghy Points ---------------------------Val New ---------------------Val New PIN Pos Name Team (M) Total PIN Pos Name Team (M) Total ------------------------------------- ------------------------------ 110 GK P Cech CHE 4.8 6 v 119 GK J Reina LIV 4.2 14 187 FB D Simpson NEW 3.3 0 v 185 FB J Enriqu NEW 3.4 11 148 FB B Sagna ARS 4.3 0 v 182 FB P Evra MU 5.2 50 288 CB G Caldwell WIG 3.2 0 v 230 CB G Cahill BOL 3.5 11 247 CB V Kompany MC 4.5 53 v 237 CB P Jagiel EVE 3.9 25 586 MF J Mata CHE 4.8 11 v 374 MF D Silva MC 4.9 24 452 MF R Van der Vaart TOT 5.8 45 v 298 MF S Nasri ARS 5.2 35 350 MF C Dempsey FUL 4.4 60 v 453 MF C Brunt WBA 4.2 20
One of you will be taking home the 1975 All Stars Football Book. One of you, the Anthems.
The rest, you leave with nothing.
*ginger wink*
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.1 23 484 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 54.9 22 477 3 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 24 442 4 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 1 433 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 53.8 29 432 6 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 30 412 7 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 23 409 8 All Hail The Chairman Rob Ivison 55.0 13 394 9 Chi'Knees Czechers Jirka Opatrny 55.0 21 389 10 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 6 387
We have a FINAL! In fact we have a thrilling end to the season altogether. No, seriously, we do.
First here's the cup...
============================ OFFL Cup Semi Finals RESULTS ----------------------------
Radnorshire Tigers 8 v 9 Shamone Muddy Funksters Lashings of Cheese 6 v 14 BM Mingmongs
It's a cruel game when Alun Edwards, with so many Manager of the Week certificates stuffed in his underpants, will [in all probability] walk away from the season with NOTHING to show for it. Congratulations though to Dave Clayton of the Muddy Funksters and 2008 League Champion Neil McConaghy of BM Mingmongs who both go through to this year's final.
Talking of Manager of the Week Certificates, this week's has gone to Russell Bielby. His Livercoolio scored a wopping 20 points throwing him up into seventh. Meanwhile at the top is Smasher's Inter Milandrover wrestling with Sarah Bingbong's Norma Snockers. It's a challenge he seems to have been enjoying despite seeing a 4 point cut in his lead over her. No, Francis, not the lead worn by her.
So, with only two weeks of Premiership nonsense still remaining it seems like a canny management ploy for Smasher to transfer in two of Sarah's players. Or is that a cynical move designed to suffocate the league's diversity?
The Chairman's keeping quiet... and waiting to receive Norma's last changes.
What a SEASON!
T h e T a b l e
Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 52.8 10 461 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 55.0 14 455 3 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 8 432 4 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 5 418 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 53.8 9 403 6 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 14 386 7 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 20 382 8 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 8 381 8 All Hail The Chairman Rob Ivison 55.0 11 381 10 Chi'Knees Czechers Jirka Opatrny 55.0 16 368
Alun Edwards makes a last desperate attempt to get himself in the running for the number 1 spot by becoming this week's Manager of the Week. Indeed, his Radnorshire Tigers notched up a very impressive 48 points leaving only 27 between themselves and Inter Milandrover.
This of course means Stay Poyet Stay!, now in fourth, is in all probability, out of the race. Manager Nick Reed is said to be recovering in hospital.
The game is also, in all probability, up for Gavin Ward's Wardy's Wanderers who lost 10 points worth of ground to thirty-fourth place, It's A Snickers. Ashley Keeler, Manager of the Snickers, was last seen fist-pumping the air.
Up five, Rs T-boy. Up four, Shivam's Sneakers. Down four...
Minty, how did you manage that score?
Happy Birthday to Neil Jukes last week by the way. Mid-table mediocrity is the only present you'll be getting this year.
So, with only a 10 point gap at the top, it's still all to play for. As is...
======================== The OFFL Cup Semi Finals ------------------------
Radnorshire Tigers v Shamone Muddy Funksters Lashings of Cheese v BM Mingmongs
to be played Wk 37
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 52.8 27 451 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 55.0 20 441 3 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 48 424 4 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 20 413 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 53.8 20 394 6 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 15 373 7 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 11 372 8 All Hail The Chairman Rob Ivison 55.0 32 370 9 Sheep City Martyn Field 54.5 28 364 10 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 8 362
Neil mcConaghy is Manager of the Week with 30 points for his BM Mingmongs. Inter Milandrover manages to hold on to the number one spot by slim bit of a slender thing.
This truly is the Squeaky Bum part of the season.
============================== OFFL Cup Quarter Final Results ------------------------------
BM Mingmongs 30 v 17 Stay Poyet Stay! Chi'Knees Czechers 18 v 24 Shamone Muddy Funksters Lashings of Cheese 16 v 11 Phillham Double's United 7 v 22 Radnorshire Tigers Which means Neil McConaghy's joy continues into the Semi Finals with Dave Clayton's, Chris Walsh's and Alun Edwards'.
There's so much at stake! http://j.mp/zpilrb
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 52.8 19 424 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 55.0 19 421 3 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 17 393 4 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 22 376 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 53.8 24 374 6 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 30 361 7 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 18 358 8 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 29 354 9 All Hail The Chairman Rob Ivison 55.0 19 338 10 Sheep City Martyn Field 54.5 8 336
It's taken some weeks of jiggery pokery in the transfer market but Inter Milandrover have finally managed to pinch, poach and caress the number one spot from Norma Snockers. Could it be this year, THIS YEAR, that the ever-present, under-rewarded Inter Milandrover nick the title in the last few weeks?
Well, clearly we can't actually answer that question until the season finishes but it wasted an opening paragraph that upstaged the real news which is that Alun Edwards has ONCE AGAIN become Manager of the Week! His Tigers notched up 19 points. MORE than any other team.
I don't know what this unnecessary capitalisation is all about either.
SO, to the cup.
TO THE CUP! [better]
===================== OFFL Cup Third Round --------------------- Quarter Finals, Wk35
BM Mingmongs v Stay Poyet Stay! Chi'Knees Czechers v Shamone Muddy Funksters Lashings of Cheese v Phillham Double's United v Radnorshire Tigers
Interesting to see that the two Czech boys are still in the [egg] hunt. And they'd do a better job of it for a cheaper price and be happier for it too, I can tell you.
Also interesting to note that you will have no time to make any transfers for this round. That was generous of the Chairman, wasn't it?
T h e T a b l e Value Points Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot -------------------------------------------------------- 1 Inter Milandrover Smasher 52.8 18 405 2 Norma Snockers FC Sarah Bingham 54.7 10 402 3 Stay Poyet Stay! Nick Reed 53.4 17 376 4 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 53.7 19 354 5 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton 53.8 11 350 6 ADFC Adriana Chittelboro 53.7 2 340 7 BM Mingmongs Neil McConaghy 53.8 9 331 8 Sheep City Martyn Field 54.5 11 328 9 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 53.6 16 325 10 Upmintster United Minty Colquhoun 54.1 -1 322
