In an office far, far away.... it was lunch time
Happy New Year to all of you managers from all of us here at OFFL HQ.That'll do.
Martyn Field is the Manager of the Week with a massive, massive, weekly haul of 47 points. This shoves his team, Sheep City, up an incredible thirteen places. 47 points! Foof.
Surely that's enough to put the Sheep through to the knockout stages of the cup? What about the rest of you?
As the Chairman flicks another winter-burned bogey into the footwell of his chauffeur-driven Ford Mondeo he contemplates the past year. Unable to remember further than this morning's Breakfast TV phone-in on Pointless Christmas Presents and feeling like he's been playing extra time in a Quidditch tournament actually Sitting On an inserted Nimbus 2000 he gives up and returns to his drug-fuelled hallucination-filled pain relief that comes free with all post-haemorrhoidectomy debrief packs.Ah yes, Christmas. And Christmas in the OFFL at that. It kind of blasts past you in a spasm of 'Match of the Days' and 'Out Of Office' replies. Only to coagulate in early January with the news that you've been unceremoniously booted out of the OFFL Cup by someone at the bottom of the table. It's enough to cause a sphincter-flinch of yuletide over-panic.
Well, whatever happens to you and your kin during this period of fun-filled festoonery may you all have a simply lovely time.
May 2008 be full of smooth saddles, comfortable cotton underwear and softly-tapered brown baguettes.
Managers of the Week this week are coincidental husband and wife Sarah-Jane John and Russ Bielby. In that order. Both hauled in 21 points for their respective clubs.
Right, Week 19's results start to count toward the OFFL Cup. Which means they'll start showing in the next edition of Studmarks.
Manager of the Week is Sheep City's very own Martyn Field. 19 points. Giving his team a boost of eight places in the league.
Must go: Week 19's results are already coming in.
Moanchester Disunited has finally joined the OFFL under a cloud of miserablism and whingevity. We welcome you Mr Blundell. Albeit cautiously. [I used to know someone called Albert Cautiously - Chairman]. Going for the cup only this year will help Mr Blundell limit the number of things he will doubtlessly have to grumble about. Though one does suspect that with just the cup to play for and with his team's imminent exit from it, it might just all come out in one big black blob of blubbersome bile. So we'll wait and see on that one.O!Score's manager, Oscar Bradley, is [by quite some way] the Chairman's favourite Bradley in the league so far. Commentators put this presidential preference down to being purely based on the grounds that Oscar's the only Bradley that can't yet talk. Oscar celebrates this fact by clinching the Manager of the Week certificate after scoring a massive 26 points.
Highest climber this week is Rafa Russ's Livercoolio who leap up a massive seven places in the league to stand at Eighteenth.
And nobody look at Mark Faulkner's Al-Quaida who just fell over, in a drunken lurch, seven places downwards. Twenty-eighth.Oooh, that's going to hurt in the morning.
With an astonishing midfield of Fabregas, Lampard, Gerrard and Elano; a very healthy ManU/Ars/Por/Eve defence setup; AND Tevez and Benjani up front, it's no surprise that Neil McConaghy's Mingmongs are seemingly running away with it right now. Stretching their lead over the chasing pack by at least 17 points, the rest of the league can almost make out a victory wiggle from those slim Welsh hips on the horizon ahead.A timely reminder therefore, that it is marathon and not a sprint.
And let's face it... have you ever seen a Welshman with a wiggle ever win a marathon?
Well, have you?
No.
Manager of the Week this week is Matt Waldron. Waldron's Wanders notch up a large 23 points landing him the certificate ahead of fellow highest climbers [up five places all] Hilary Straw's Straw Bucharest, Rob Ivison's Wife #3 and Russell Bielby's Livercoolio.
And look, surely some sort of reward should be tossed out to Tom Vamos for scoring enough points to lift him off the bottom of the table. His West Vam climb TWO places!
It just doesn't get any more exciting [for him].
Oh yes it does...
The OFFL Cup
Current Champs: Neil Davis's Nellies Overpaid Convicts
Welcome to the Qualifying Round
1. Five groups of 8 teams, selected on the basis of this week's League positions.
2. Using the scores from Weeks 19, 20 and 21 the final positions of the teams in these groups decide whether or not they go through to the knockout stage of this most wonderful of competitions.
3. The bottom team of each group will exit the competition.
4. The three worst scoring 'second-from-bottom-placed' teams also exit the competition leaving a knockout tournament of 32 teams.
And don't forget, there's a Shoot Annual at stake [not 2008's though, cough].
While the Chairman counts his winnings from placing a 7-1 15-quid bet on the inevitable England debâcle self-destructing last weekend, our most wondrous leader considers the impossible odds that local bookies might have placed on Alfletico Madrid storming up the league a staggering eleven places this week.
Indeed, Alfred Bradley is Manager of the Week this week by steering his team to a massive score of 27 points. Remarkable stuff for one so young.
Meanwhile, new father Steve 'McClaren' Tierney climbs up to third in an attempt to set an example to his son. Thank goodness there are plenty of years ahead for the paternal disappointment to set in.
NEXT WEEK...
Your team will be entered into a qualifying group from which you will want to escape in order to get into the knockout stage of the OFFL Cup. Get ready...
And as build ups go, that wasn't one of them.
Happy Birthday to Top of the Norm manager Mark Norman. Now in his 41st year, he seems to, at last, have a team in the top half of the league table. Mr Norman nets an impressive week tally of 14 but still doesn't come close to a remarkable Manager of the Week certificate winning 20 point haul from Guy Harewood's Bangkok Burn FC. Congratulations Guy.Here's an interesting fact, did you know that Bangkok doesn't actually exist. The capital of Thailand is in fact Krung Thep. It hasn't been called Bangkok by the locals for nearly 230 years. Not even Wikipedia seems to know that one. And while we're ambling around the public park of uselessly useless information, did you know that there is an online Star Wars Encyclopaedia called Wookieepedia.
It just gets better and better doesn't it?
No.
Now, while the Chairman goes a-wandering round the Philippines for local [footballing] talent he leaves the league resting, shakily, on the precipice of the OFFL Cup competition.
Neil McConaghy finally hops to the top of the pile as Smasher fails to continue to press the pace. Ant Reeves, current champions, is sneaking up on the top two tusslers by jostling himself into third and within striking distance of his throne. Tom Vamos on the other hand also displays his season-upon-season consistency.Managers of the Week are Mark and Maddy Weavers and Rob Ivison of David Brentford FC and Wife #3 respectively. 22 points apiece. Not bad, not bad.
Everybody stare at Mike Smears of Irishpool. 1 point. Down six places. It's like kicking an old man when he's down, isn’t it?
---
And a Happy Birthday to Craig McHugh McScrimgeour. May his attempt to attend a Loopy performance on Wednesday the 7th November end pleasantly. I.e. by him changing his mind at the last minute cos he's noticed there's something more interesting on TV.
Which has just been unknowingly topped-up with diesel.
With the brakes unseeingly jammed on.
All very exciting to begin with, with commentators bleating that it's not over till the cheerful-personalited lady sings but ultimately it'll all end in tears. Like the Rugby. Perhaps.
So, let us rejoice in the fact that it's all unlikely to happen.
Now we, at Studmarks, come to think of it, remember the last time the Chairman enjoyed a healthy summer without any heart murmurs was 1994. The World Cup In Which England Didn't Qualify. Ah yes, the good old days.
Hey, at least the Chairman isn't Welsh.
[Gasps of indignant shock from a quarter of the League]
And while the nostalgia kicks in, we see that this week's highest climbers are Mark and Maddy's David Brentford FC and 'Hunt and Peck' keyboard-Specialist Paddy Mirams's Muffins Revenge. Both teams clamber upwards six places.
Managers of the Week... oh that makes sense; managers Mark, Maddy and Paddy. Another folk group awaiting formation.
Everyone stare at birthday boy Craig McHugh... minus 2. Shame.
['Nowhere' is the ostensible answer]
Meanwhile the eventual champs, Ant Reeves's Anticlimax, lay in Fourteenth with a mere 57 points.
This season, we see that three teams have already puffed themselves out by passing the 100 point mark carrying the very heavy back pack of Vain Belief [that they can win this competition]. It's a heavy load to carry. Particularly when you're trotting a little closer to the pace of a sprint than a marathon.
For it is indeed, a marathon.
Not a sprint.
Manager of the Week is Neil McConaghy of Big Mac's Mingmongs who scored a rather large 24 points. This pushes him ever closer to the top of the pile leaving his team to rest at second place. What a birthday treat for him to savour this coming Monday.
Highest climber this week is David Brentford FC, Mark and Maddy's team leap up seven spots to land at Nineteenth, slightly out of breath and with a lingering dizzying sensation.
Everyone stare at Gavin. Down seven.
It doesn't take much to rock the boat in Derby. Apart from a navigable stretch of water and, of course, a boat. But in bringing this tortured metaphor to a premature close I quickly add that it is usually a passing train that rocks the, erm..., warehouse?
No. 1 Hit In The Making
Indeed, the Real-Sense boys have turned into the Non-Sense boys and are at each other's spotty throats. A war of words broke out between RS T-boy's Rick and Livercoolio's Russ. A shame, seeing as the pair would have made a great pop-duet band-name together. However, whilst Rick 'n' Russ's ruck has ruined that risible rumination it has, however, spiced up the league table somewhat.
Eleven Goals
Whilst we hope the débâcle of the first paragraph has been forgotten, we here at Studmarks, salute the OFFL Powers That Be for bringing in an even-handed referee's decision to penalise both Managers for ungentlemanly conduct. A large point fine for each sees them suffering penance at the bottom of the table. In our opinion, they got off lightly - we saw the emails that were flying about! Shocking stuff. Enough to embarrass the Chairman's silver-haired mother into dropping a stitch.
Highest climbers lever themselves up ten places. And they are Matt Waldron, Gavin Ward, Malcolm Pratt.
And everybody look at Rob Ivison. His Wife #3 slips down nine.
GRAVY AND SPICES
But when they're served up on a plate with all the trimmings, gravy and spices he really does find it hard to resist. And that is, of course, why we love him so.
[Enter the sound of distant wind; a cold zephyr spinning some dried dead flora haplessly down the lonely old dust road]
[somebody at the back yawns]
And we all know that the moment a striker starts hacking up hatricks is the moment half the OFFL want a piece of him. Just before he breaks a nail and has to be sidelined for a year. But it's not the inevitability of the transfer scramble for Arsenal personnel that makes the Chairman smile. No.
A LITTLE STRAINED
It's the fact that an awful lot of competitive banter seems to fly around along with the transfers. Not least in Derby. Where the RealSense boys are finding things a little strained in that warehouse by the railway of theirs.
Evidence has been provided to the OFFL of eBullying - a useful sort of intimidation that means you can hurt someone from a distance, over the internet, without really trying. [A deplorable activity, naturally].
So, in view of the available emails presented to OFFL HQ it has been deemed necessary to impose a Point Fine on one of our managers. The first Point Fine in two years. 30 points. Deducted. From Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.
Shocking.
The First Point Fine in Two Years, has it really been that long? Sigh.
Could that be why the Chairman is smiling?
Manager of the Week this week is Alfred Bradley for scoring 18pts for his Alfletico Madrid.
Highest climber this week is Mike Smears and his Irishpool who climb nine places with the biggest dropper being the Marauding Metatarsels. Down nine places.
Everybody stare at Gavin Ward.
There are two types of OFFL Manager. We have the highly knowledgeable 'MotD-rewinder' who have their finger super-glued to the pulse of the Premiership. And we've got the no-hope, no-care, doing it 'cos I was tol' to, drawing-pin-in-a-list-of-players kind of person.Let me elaborate: after a successful brace of international victories (thanks to the heroics of a certain striker who was absent from most of last season's world cup tournament campaign) the OFFL, perhaps shockingly, see absolutely no transfer requests coming in whatsoever for Emile Heskey.
Is it because the average OFFL manager knows nothing of recent footballing phenomena? Or, is it because the average OFFL manager is so clued up that they knew Mr Heskey was going to be out for 6 weeks with a stubbed toe? Hmm?
Managers of the Week
Steve Tierney and Smasher
[who fall into the former category]
of
Abeerden and Inter Milandrover respectively
22 points
Not manager of the week... Paddy Mirams [who also falls - from a great, great height into the former category too]. Nil points.
While the administrative machine of the OFFL gets its annual service before spluttering into action and hitting the main highways and byways of the fantasy road system, The Chairman has decided to go on a recruitment drive for more Umpa Lumpas. This time, in France.For some unfathomable reason, ever since the new TV contracts pumped in even more money into the game it's been extremely tricky to get the level of home grown Umpa Lumpaism required for the job. Overseas Lumpas are so much cheaper. And this year, after scrutinising many an Umpa Lumpa video sent by his scout Tyte Gripp, Our Chairman is ready to interview.
And so, while we peruse and admire our early League leaders, we shall await the return of the great Chairman later this month. In the meantime, the second tranche of teams have arrived and will be scoring away with the rest of you as soon as they can.
And just to keep the apathy at bay a little bit longer there are unconfirmed rumours that a special prize is being donated to the OFFL Cup Prize fund. And we think it might be a Shoot annual.
That's it. A SHOOT annual.
Carry on.
Are you ready to pick your dream team? [Left: Chairman's Dream Team]
Now all you need is a funny team name and eleven players sent to me on the Very Helpful 'Select Your Team' spreadsheet.
Mr Reeves: congratulations. You played the long game perfectly. Even to the point of entering your team after everyone else had. Already rumours are eddying their way to the Studmarks Offices about teams mounting court appeals against the League for allowing such behaviour.
Not that that will take any of the shine off what has been a marvellous season. And, like last year, the Championship went right to the wire. Five points finally separated Champions Anticlimax from Olymping Macdrid with only 12 points separating the top four.
No suspicions whatsoever were aroused when someone worked out that Anticlimax was an Anagram of 'AC Milan Tix'.
Left licking wounds [their own] are the season's pretenders: Irishpool, Charlton Alfetic, New York Red Balls and Chris Stool Poo Lice all had weeks at the top but couldn't turn their sprints into the ultimate marathon.
Another exciting year.
Manager of the Week
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ashley Keeler
Football
17pts
It's the Last Week and the imaginatively named 'Football' net their manager, who inexplicably isn’t called 'Manager' but is in fact called Ashley Keeler, 17 points ensuring that no wooden spoonage comes Birmingham's way this season.
That honour goes to Dynamo Ledbolok. Adrian Bradley's awful team of pathetic no-hopers. His wife and son both finish the season higher than he. Much higher in fact. Much, much higher. Reports of moody 
breakfast-times are unfounded.
The OFFL Cup
Final
Result
w/c 7th May
Fund-a-Mentalist FC 3 v 11 Nellies Overpaid Convicts
And the 1990 World Cup Italia England Football Team Squad Esso Coin Collection goes to Neil Davis for thwacking Sarah Bingham in the gob for 11 points against her face-scratching 3.
The favourites not only lose the final to Nellies Overpaid Convicts but also see the Cup Winners leap ahead in the final league placings.
Console yourself, Sarah, with the knowledge that you'll be receiving the 1990 World Cup Italia Scottish Football Team Squad Esso Coin Collection.
That's probably not helping is it?
What with the penultimate week seeing no continuation of the catching up of places Three and Four, it seems the head to head run off between Olymping Macdrid and Anticlimax goes into the final week unchallenged, with Anticlimax enjoying a two point lead and a better Points per Pound difference.
And breathe.
Next Week, Craig MacHugh McScrimgeour needs to steer his team to a score that is better than Anticlimax's by 3 points in order to stop Anthony Reeves from claiming his second Championship title.
Meanwhile, the destination of the cup will also be decided this week. Sarah Bingham, our most successful female manager this century, tries to pinch the nipples of Neil Davis before kicking him in the apex and running off screaming 'grape' and hoping to get away with it. The Esso Coin Collection destination awaits its new home.
Manager of the Week this week is Anthony Reeves of Anticlimax with 14 points. One more certificate winning week this season and he'll be crowned with that big ol' Championship Trophy. We wish.
Also of note this week, Dynamo Ledbolok reclaim the bottom spot from arch rivals Defoe King Ballacks. It seems the wooden spoon is being as hotly contested as the main prize.
Come on Scooch.
