Week 20: Pillows of Points

Ash Keeler: not that he's a scatter cushion kind of person but his pillows have definitely been plumped this week

Manager of the Week, shockingly, is Ash Keeler with a score of 32 points plumping up his 'It's A Snickers' pillows. This over-performance has seen the Snickers snore up two places.  From twenty-second to twentieth. 

Current leaders, Livercoolio, have refused to comment on this new threat to their current lead. 

Also scoring well is Mr Edwards, after his team re-engineering marathon last week his Tigers netted 25 points, lifting his team two places away from penultimate wooden-spoonage.  Amazing what a bit of tinkering can do.

Meanwhile, halfway through the Group Stage of the OFFL Cup...

OFFL Cup

First Round, so far

Group A                       Value Wk20 Wk21 Total
---------------------------------------------------
  Livercoolio                   54.4  21   0   21
  Eggafield Rovers              52.9  17   0   17
  RS-TBOY                       54.6  14   0   14
  Neil's Diamonds               53.8  12   0   12
  Botley Yellow                 54.4   8   0    8  
 
Group B                       Value Wk20 Wk21 Total
---------------------------------------------------
  Radnorshire Tigers            52.5  25   0   25
  Inter Milandrover             54.6  19   0   19
  Blat Setter's Mad Hatters     52.5  18   0   18
  Moanchester Ununited          55.0  14   0   14
  Lashings Of Cheese            54.4  11   0   11  
 
Group C                       Value Wk20 Wk21 Total
---------------------------------------------------
  It's A Snickers               54.0  32   0   32
  Fattered Tanj                 53.4  13   0   13
  Which Team                    52.8  12   0   12
  Moobchester Utd               54.7   8   0    8
  Tierney's Twonks              53.2   6   0    6   
 
Group D                       Value Wk20 Wk21 Total
---------------------------------------------------
  Pyeators II                   55.0  22   0   22
  Mainly Bell Jam               54.0  18   0   18
  Mintal Institute              54.9  17   0   17
  1964 Prathletico Grande       54.4  14   0   14
  Real Mcdrid                   54.8  13   0   13 
 
Group E                       Value Wk20 Wk21 Total
---------------------------------------------------
  Irishpool                     54.3  19   0   19
  Woolyback Returns             54.9  19   0   19
  It Goes To Eleven             47.3   5   0    5
  Johnny's Heroes               54.8   4   0    4
  Gone Poyet Gone               52.7   0   0    0
 
Are you nearly gone, Poyet, gone from the cup?




T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 21 268
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.6 19 232
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 22 216
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.5 18 210
 5 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 17 206
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 13 206
 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 14 205
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.2  6 198
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 19 197
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       52.7  0 179
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.8 12 174
12 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.3 19 166
13 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 14 166
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 12 162
15 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 17 158
16 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 11 156
17 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6 14 153
18 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  8 145
19 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 13 135
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 32 133
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  8 124
22 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 25 123
23 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  4 121
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 18 118
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  5  35


                              Week's Average Points    14
                              Total Average Points    167

Week 19: Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas.

And the OFFL Cup begins.  Consider it our present to you this year.  Yeah.  Be grateful.

Manager of the Week: Nick Reed.  Nick's Gone Poyet Gone scored 14 points.  Nice.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 13 247

 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.6 12 213

 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 13 194

 4 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 11 193

 5 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 11 192

 6 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.2 11 192

 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  8 191

 8 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  7 189

 9 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       52.7 14 179

10 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  4 178

Week 18: Nappy Wearing Excitement of the OFFL Cup.

Inter 'Wearing Nappies' Milandrover:
It must be the excitement of the OFFL Cup

Just a reminder that your journey to OFFL Cup glory begins from this coming Monday [23rd] onwards - through till the New Year fixtures.  See last week's Studmarks [or the OFFL blog] for your group.  The bottom team of each group gets knocked out.

Nice to see, then, that so many of you have taken the time to put in some transfers.  Are you taking it seriously or something?  Must be the valuable prize on offer.  £12 on eBay.

And talking of the OFFL Blog, a quick skim over the page stats has revealed that the site has recorded well over 17,652 hits.  One post in particular has 3,497 hits - 3,000 more hits than most posts.  It's the one with the picture of the naked fat man relaxing on a couch.  We, here at Studmarks, will not be ignoring this lesson from here on in.

Russ 'Wild Sex Party' Bielby is this week's Manager of the Week with a score of 22 points, reaffirming his team's place at the revealing top of the League.  Big nippled Livercoolio have now stretched their lead over Inter Wearing Nappies Milandrover to 33 points.  Catchable.  Very catchable.  Not by Radnorshire Teasing Tigers, we wouldn't have thought...  No, this week Alun Edwards scored -4.  Boooo  bies.

Happy Christmas everyone.  Including you, Alun.

PS
Top Christmas Sausage Cooking Tip:  Prick them first.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 22 234
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.8 21 201
 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  8 183
 4 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 14 182
 5 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  7 182
 6 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 19 181
 7 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.2 21 181
 8 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 21 181
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  5 174
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.1 17 165

Week 17: Not called 'Shaky' for nothing

This year's OFFL Cup prize.  Might actually be worth something.

Woof.  Look at that score!  48 points in just one week AND a brand new Loopy album.  Loopy Groupie and new Booster8 owner, Russ Bielby, becomes the undisputed Manager of the Week for having a team consisting of Suarez, Aguero, Messi, Ronaldo, Pele, Cruyff, Maradona, Michael Jackson and Shakin Stevens.

And while that last sentence careers off into a tree of nonsense, we look at how the league has been affected by the week's extra midweek bonanza of points.

Not called Shaky for nothing: 

Unconvincingly looking for a penalty

Smasher has moved into second after his current Champions, Inter Milandrover, scored 34 points - now meaning a lag of 32 points behind Livercoolio.

Other notable scores came from Steve Tierney's Tierney's Twonks [37], Chris Walsh's Lashings Of Cheese [36], Rachel Jones' Which Team [34] and, of course, Ash Keeler's It's a Snickers [-5] - all of whom will be celebrating their 'notable scores' by purchasing a keenly priced album by Loopy from the Loopy Shop here http://loopytheband.bandcamp.com, I shouldn't wonder.

[I *do* wonder]

But this is what we've really been waiting for, isn't it? ...

The OFFL Cup, Group Stage

To be played over the 'Christmas Period'. Bottom team in each group gets knocked out.  The rest of the teams enter a draw for the next round of 16 fixtures.

And this year's prize?  It's Stanley Mathews' Football Album from 1949[AD].  Something for Mr Smears to hanker after, surely.  Or had you given up collecting football lit by then?  Might be worth something on eBay.  *Checks Quickly* - it IS worth something on eBay, dagnammit.  Foof, this is actually worth something.

Group A  

Maradona relaxing at home.
Listening to Booster8, probably.

  Livercoolio
  Eggafield Rovers
  Neil's Diamonds
  RS-TBOY
  Botley Yellow

Group B  
  Inter Milandrover
  Blat Setter's Mad Hatters
  Moanchester Ununited
  Lashings Of Cheese
  Radnorshire Tigers
  
Group C  
  Fattered Tanj
  Tierney's Twonks
  Moobchester Utd
  Which Team
  It's A Snickers
  
Group D  
  1964 Prathletico Grande
  Pyeators II
  Mintal Institute
  Real Mcdrid
  Mainly Bell Jam
  
Group E  
  Woolyback Returns
  Gone Poyet Gone
  Irishpool
  Johnny's Heroes
  It Goes To Eleven

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 48 212
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.8 34 180
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 12 175
 4 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 11 175
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  8 169
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 24 168
 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 25 162
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.2 37 160
 9 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 33 160
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.1 20 148

Week 16: Thrusting Blatter's Hatters

Gavin Ward [not left] is making space for another OFFL Cup Winners Prize

We're into December and it's time for the group stages of the OFFL Cup soon.

*Shiver*

Coincidentally enough, last year's winner of the OFFL Cup, Gavin Ward, is this week's Manager of the Week with a large score of 17 points.  This thrusts his Blatter's Hatters up three places into seventh.

Meanwhile we have a new leader.  Malcolm Pratt has leapfrogged onto the top of the pile with his 1964 Prathletico Grande sharing the 164 point top score with Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.  This leaves the top four places all squeezed into a 3 point space ahead of the rest of the chasing pack.

So, start trying to get all your fantasy ducks in a line before the Big Group Stage OFFL Cup 'Off'.  So to speak.

By the way, does anyone like Harry Hill here?  He's a Loopy Groupie, don't you know.  Listen here for proof... http://j.mp/201312Popcast

And if it's just a 3 minute song you want, try this... http://j.mp/LoopyFiat500

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 13 164
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  8 164
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  7 163
 4 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 16 161
 5 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.8 -2 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 12 144
 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 17 137
 8 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.2 13 136
 9 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  3 128
10 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 14 127

Week 14 & 15: Striking Couples

They can't get enough of each other.

Well, every once in a while you get a strange week.  And this week seems to have been just that.  Strange.  While the pundit world has been talking about joyful striking partnerships and how much Sturridge digs Suarez's unnecessary wrist-kissing, or Aguero enjoys holding hands with Negredo during a match or Van Persil likes looking lustfully into Wooney's eyes across the six yard box, OFFL managers have been forgetting about their defences.

Thanks to this defensive yang to the goalscoring yin we see that seven teams have scored zero or fewer points this week.  In fact, none of the top eight teams scored higher than a Len Goodman "seVENN!" points.

Manager of the Week this week, by the way, is Dave Clayton.  His Pyeators II notched up 16 points, 20 points more than the worst performing teams, moving the 'Eators up four places in the league. Mr Clayton has seen the error of his ways and has now made a change.  Meanwhile former League leader, Birthday Girl and Darren Bent Groupie, Minty Colquhoun, celebrated her birth anniversary by scoring 1 point.  Could have been worse.  Couldn't it Messers Edwards, Rayner and Harewood?  -4, eh? Oof.

Yup.  Strange week that one.  Strange.

Carry on.


9th December sees the release of the new Loopy Album, Booster8.  Why not make your way to facebook.com/LoopyTheBand or follow the band @LoopyTheBand.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  1 156
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  7 156
 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  5 151
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9  0 148
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -4 145
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 -4 132
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  7 125
 8 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.2  1 123
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 11 121
10 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 13 120

Week 13: Lauding it

Guy Harewood lauding it over the rest of the league.
[If you don't include the actual leaders, of course]

Guy Harewood claims his second Manager of the Week certificate of the season after seeing his Woolyback Returns zip up into second place with a 24-point haul.  Big Malcolm Tweak pratts his team after seeing them fall three places into fifth and Fattered Tanj's lead is shrinking again - now down to just 6 points.  Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes climb highest by elevating themselves five places into fifteenth (after crossing the 100 point mark) and everyone look at Ash Keeler.  Everyone!  Stare at his shame.  -3 points.

No matches for this coming week so chat amongst yourselves for a bit, won't you?

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 12 155
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 24 149
 3 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 16 149
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9 20 148
 5 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 10 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 16 136
 7 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  6 122
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  9 118
 9 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 15 115
10 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6 13 111

Week 12: The Ugly Truth

His Mum loves him

The ugly truth of it is that, unlike Brian Clough leaving Nottingham Forest, Alex Ferguson has left Manchester United at precisely the right time.  In doing so, he also left a right mess for the ever-so handsome David Moyes to clean up.  

Where most OFFL managers spotted the fragile defensive frailties in the current Premiership Champions before they picked their teams, others did not.  The more prescient people plumped for the usual alternatives - a Chelsea defender here, a Liverpool goalkeeper there - and overlooked Southampton's sturdy offering at the back.  Until now.

While OFFL common sense suggests it's only a matter of time before a South Coast thrashing comes along and Ruins It All, more transfers for Saints players come in.  When the inevitable calamitous goalfest occurs it should be comforting to return to the ever-improving face of David Moyes and mutter to oneself... "at least I never looked like THAT!"*

In the meantime, two managers share the Manager of the Week Certificate and it's the names of 'Bingham, Sarah' and 'Pratt, Malcolm' that get clumsily embossed on the cheaply framed card this week. Both teams scored a mighty 26 points giving the managers places one and two in the league.

Falling furthest [five places] and needing to pull his socks up in the transfer market is Ash Keeler with his It's a Snickers.  Shocking.

*David Moyes never really looked 'like that'. It's been a little bit photoshopped in time for Halloween.  And I mean 'little bit' - he was no David Beckham.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 26 143
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 26 136
 3 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 18 133
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9 19 128
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 17 125
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 14 120
 7 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  9 116
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  8 109
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 10 102
10 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  9 100

Week 11: Messiah Merry-Go-Round

He wanted to be a goalie

Winning two Championships on the trot would lead some lesser beings to develop an ego the size of a Gareth Bale weekly pay packet. But Inter Milandrover's manager didn't smugly rest on his laurels over the Summer, oh no.  Instead, he turned to Jesus [Navas].  It's surprising to see this week, therefore, that faith in Jesus has been lost so soon into the season as Smasher relieves Him of his duties.  Indeed, after plummeting to fourth spot in the table, Inter Milandrover have brought in the more reliable services of Arsenal's Sir Alf Ramsay - such is the way of the Messiah Merry-Go-Round of the Footballing world these days.

A Ramsey, the new
saviour on the block

Meanwhile, Mr Bielby slaps in a magnificent 27 points for the Manager of the Week Certificate this week - his Livercoolio benefiting from a Suarez hatrick and a goal + assist from Van Persil Automatic. Livercoolio move up five places into second and only just miss out on the top spot.  That honour has been secured with 2 points by the bingtastic Sarah Bingham's Fattered Tanj.

Also of note - we've seen the top 8 fantasy teams all cruise past the 100 point mark with Botley Yellow managing to get a positive score for their Kate Wilson.

OFFL Cup coming soon!

[As is Loopy's latest 8-track emission, "Booster8" - we'll keep you informed of that momentous event, of course we will, we will to be sure, yes, we will.]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 19 117
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 27 115
 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 16 110
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 10 109
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 18 108
 6 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 10 107
 7 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 26 106
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6 13 101
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17  92
10 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  8  91

Week 09 & 10: Good Grief Gavin's Gag's Good.

Ozil: Seen here using the Force.

If you're the kind of Studmarks reader who merely scans for your own name and presses delete when its continued omission from that edition doesn't warrant any further investment of your precious time then listen up.  You, yes, you - the peruser user - you might be missing out on a corking line sent in by Manager Gavin Ward that ends his transfer request this week.  Read on, read on. And by the way, OMG Chairman has confirmed that He will not be giving any any extra points for the line.

In the meantime, here are the essentials...

Manager of the Week is the magnificently resilient Rachel Jones, thanks to her Which Team scoring 22 points for her this week.  No-one will be more shocked than Ms Jones.

Meanwhile, current Champions Inter Milandrover are on course to make it three OFFL Championships in a row by taking over top spot from Birthday Boy Neil McConaghy this week.  Indeed, Neil's Diamonds drop two places while Sarah Bingham's Fattered Tanj surge up into second, a mere one point behind the very smug manager of Inter Milandrover.

Boo!

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 19  99
 2 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 18  98
 3 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 12  97
 4 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 19  94
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 20  90
 6 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6 20  88
 7 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 16  88
 8 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 14  83
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 13  80
10 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9  76

Week 08: The Monocle's Out

Guess Who's the Manager of the Week?
[actual certificate pictured]

Manager of the Week this week is the Frenchman, Hercule Poirot.

Apologies Monsieur Poirot, of course we mean Belgian.

His Mainly Bell Jam team consisting of mainly Belgian players mainly scored 13 points for him this week, earning our mainly fictional sleuth the Manager of the Week Certificate which he will doubtlessly examine mainly through his immaculately clean monocle.

Now let's borrow that monocle and take a moment to study Guy Harewood. In what was a poor week for all fantasy defences across the country, his Woolyback Returns successfully lost 7 points.  That's a weekly total of minus 7.  SEVEN.

So much for those expertly-timed midfield transfers the other week.  His tragic score of MINUS 7 [which will take some beating, we have to say] has meant a fall of four places in the league, handing second spot to Champions Inter Milandrover and a 1 point increase to the lead of Neil McConaghy over the rest of the league.

Mention must also go to non-fictional Jon King.  His Moobchester Utd narrowly missed out on the certificate by 1 point.  Nevertheless, he remains this week's biggest mover by heaving his Moobs up six places cupping them gently into Twelfth.  Nice.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  4  85
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  8  80
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  4  80
 4 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  4  75
 5 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  0  72
 6 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -7  70
 7 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  3  69
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  1  68
 9 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  2  67
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  4  67

Week 07: Dearly Beloved

Portman Road receiving Our Most Gracious Chairman

This past weekend, while OMG Chairman went to Portman Road to press the flesh, kiss some babies and watch Ipswich Town knock Nick Reed's beloved Brighton & Hove Albion about, the OFFL received another cantankerous rant from Old Man Smears [see 'Transfers and Stuff'] who is basically demanding points for being old.

Fellow Liverpool-loving loon Russ Bielby becomes this week's Manager of the Week after his beloved limb-chewing chum, Luis 'Suspended' Suarez, comes back to play for his beloved Liverpool.  Our beloved Bielby brought his beloved Livercoolio a moderate 14 points moving them up four places into fifth - leaving Bielby's actual Beloved [Sarah] twelve places behind.  Where's the chivalry?

Notable among other more rational movers and shakers in the league is 1964 Prathletico Grande who fall four, down from second into sixth. Boo.

Keeping this week's Studmarks blissfully short, thanks to the need to urgently optimise the time afforded to us by an 8 month old's morning nap while prioritising the necessitous laundering of underwear for the week, we'll end with wishing Manager Rick Beecroft a happy anniversary for Thursday - Lord and Lady Beeky: still together after a lengthy four year marriage.  Congratulations both.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  8  81
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  7  77
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  6  76
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  7  72
 5 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 14  72
 6 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 -2  71
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  7  67
 8 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  0  66
 9 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      55.0  9  66
10 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9  5  65

Week 06: Mint Drop Trip

Gavin Ward receiving his prize from The Chairman
for winning the 2013 OFFL Cup

Pleasantly bewildering long term fans of his teams of yore, Chris Walsh has kept his eye firmly on the Bale this season and transferred out the 'No Longer Playing in the Premiership' player a mere three weeks after his move to the Fantasy Leagues of Spain. Well done, Mr Walsh. Maybe a finish in the top twenty this season IS possible after all.

The race so far: 

Progress, Points, Team Name

Meanwhile, manager of 2008 Champions and 2012 Cup Winners, Neil McConaghy, seizes the League's top spot from Minty Colquhoun this week by climbing two places and leapfrogging Malcolm Pratt's 1964 Prathletico Grande. Mintal Institute's little hiccough forced a tumble of four places - which is nothing when you look at Cup-holding manager Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters who plummet seven places this week.

Interestingly, and perhaps rather unpleasantly bewildering, our Manager of the Week this week is the most senior of our managers, Mr Mike Smears. His Irishpool netted a massive 20 points which places the Irish Liverpudlian firmly into a dizzying twentieth place. Take a seat and catch your breath, Sir.

Uninterestingly, in a slight change to how the league table works, The Chairman has decided that he should do something to reduce the amount of times teams become equally ranked. So he's added a fancy new procedure which officially separates teams by the total points, then team value, then weekly score. And if that lot fails to set you apart in the table something will probably explode.

Have a good week.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 13  73
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 10  73
 3 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 10  70
 4 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 19  70
 5 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2  66
 6 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 13  65
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       53.6 16  60
 8 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 14  60
 9 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 13  58
10 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 11  57

Week 05: Steady At The Back

Goalkeepers have been able to take it easy thus far

It's been a funny season so far.  Goals have not been gratifyingly gathered galore.  In fact, this time last season there were 35 more goals notched up across the collective Premiership scoreboard.  And that's in a season WITHOUT a Tony Pulis-managed team.  Yeah! We know!

What does this all mean for us?

Well, not only do our doting dalliances with Match of the Day die off into desperately dull damp-squibbery much earlier than usual, along with the usual poorly proffered pedantic punditry, but it also means that OFFL defences have been key to success thus far. This far. Thus far.  Thus. Thusly.

Early leaders, Minty's Mintal Institute, have maintained their fragile lead at the top of the table thanks to the large 44 points earned by her carefully selected defence.  At the same time, Minty watches Big Mally's 1964 Prathletico Grande creep up into second, just 1 point behind her, thanks to the 47 points from his highest-scoring defence in the league.

Manager of the Week this week is Moanchester Ununited's Alex Blundell after 17 points saw his team stay in exactly the same position in the table as last week.

In other news, Ash Keeler drops his Snickers six places while Craig 'David' McHugh's Real Mcdrid boost up five.

And finally, we welcome Hercule Poirot's Mainly Bell Jam and Tom Vamos's musically influenced 'It Goes To Eleven'.  Desperate selections both.

Welcome. Welcome. Score goals. Welcome.

Carry on.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 14  64
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 15  63
 3 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 12  60
 3 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 12  60
 5 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 11  53
 6 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 12  52
 7 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 12  51
 8 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 10  50
 9 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.7 12  47
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  9  47

Week 04: It's all about the Players List

Well, there's no way they're going to dole out Manager of the Week Certificates to everyone is there?  Get away with you.  You can take a copy of the new and updated Players List before you go.  But essentially, yeah, get away.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  0  50
 2 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  0  48
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8  0  48
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  0  48
 5 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9  0  43
 6 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6  0  42
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5  0  40
 7 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  0  40
 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  0  39
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  0  38

Week 03: Transfer Window Slams Shut

Mike Smears listening out for the
slamming shut of the transfer window

While the average age of OFFL manager has just suddenly leapt up by a decade or two, the Manager of the Week this week is the ever youthful Nick Reed.  His Gone Poyet Gone have jumped up by a car-crashingly large four places, to surge into, um, twelfth.  The impressive netting of 20 points not quite pushing him up to play with The Big Boys...

...and Girls. Yes, Top Posh Bint Minty continues to have the best view in the house by keeping ahead of the early chasers for the second week running.  Her Mintal Institute have reached a half-century of points already.  Totally Mintal.

And in a sudden spasm of activity, previously snoozing Pensioner Mike Smears was seen desperately fumbling with the volume controls in his ear in an attempt to quickly adjust his hearing aid settings after the rather large Premiership transfer window loudly slammed shut on Monday.  We should now have a more settled Players List until January.

And while we're riffing some quality jibber-jabber about the Players List, don't forget that if a player was already listed as belonging to a particular Premiership club and subsequently swaps to a different Premiership club then that player shall remain on our Players List as belonging to the original club.  Scott Parker, for example, remains listed as a TOT player despite the new Fulham shirt into which he now squeezes to the rasps of David Rose's The Stripper every Saturday afternoon.

The new Players List will be available next week.

That's it for now.

Studmarks remains your ever faithful OFFL servant.

T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f

Irishpool

   From: Mike Smears
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: 

Dear Mr President

I really must protest this time. Things have gone too far. I take a short three month break at Bognor Regis and come back to find that, without so much as a by-your-leave, these youngsters have started the league in my absence once again. Intolerable. In my day they'd have been horsewhipped. I demand that my team be allowed to win points retrospectively, especially those two lovely goals by Sturridge. Be so good as to reply by return and assure me that my request has been approved.

Yours outraged

Bristling from Bassett.

ps any news on the OAP allowance for extra players?

Chairman responds:

Oh it's good to have you back, Sir.  The summer hasn't been the same without your cantankerous sense of righteous privilege. I, for one, am greatly looking forward to the usual early Cup exit and your annual bob around the large-numbered rankings.  Welcome back.

=============================

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 13  50
 2 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 17  48
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 13  48
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 14  48
 5 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 13  43
 6 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 13  42
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 12  40
 7 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  8  40
 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 11  39
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  9  38

Week 02: Sixy Lady

Bent forgets it's three goals, not 3 points, that counts as a
hatrick before he can run off with ball

"What Ho! Jeeves!" exclaimed Minty.

And the felicitous sentiment is not lost on the rest of the League, by Jove. Darren Bent contributing 3 points to a Manager of the Week certificate-winning 19 point haul? Outrageous fortune.

Yes, like a vigorous walk down the street wearing a pair of jeans that are just too tight in just the right places, Minty has risen to a surprise early climax for Week 2, thanks to her perennial blind loyalty to the Bent One.  Indeed, after last week's hot six, she now rests, spent and panting, on top, quivering with an inexplicable afterglow.

Lovely to see.

Also with sweaty palms, gripping at a corner of another shared Manager of the Week certificate is Malcolm Pratt.  His 1964 Prathletico Grande also nicked 19 points and pushed his charges up into third.

And still no transfers from anyone...  We ask "which weak-minded manager will lose their patience first?" - OFFL HQ are rumoured to be rehearsing a carnival style welcome for Livercoolio's usual season-opening transfer request as we write.

And by the way, yes, we have an OFFL Cup winners prize this year.  Yessiree.

Note From The Chairman

If you have any issues with the formatting of your weekly email please pass on your comments to studmarks@gmail.com.  As always, it is best read in 'Courier New' 10pt.  Most other monospace or fixed-width fonts will do, really.  All that effort to make sure everything lines up properly...nobody ever notices, grumble whinge etc.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 19  37

 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 17  35

 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 19  34

 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 14  32

 5 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 13  31

 6 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 14  30

 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 11  29

 7 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8 14  29

 9 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 14  28

 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 12  28

Week 01: "Stop The Press! We need it for more 'Manager of the Week' Certificates"

Well that's never happened before.  Six managers, SIX of them, are all sharing Week One's top spot in the league with 18 points apiece.  This means there are SIX Manager of the Week certificates to be spewed out from the upper windows of the OFFL HQ's printing department.

Like a really naff ticker tape parade.

Also a first, each team that has been submitted to date has Robin Van Persie ARS as a striker.  This effectively means you're all fighting this season out with ten men.  Effectively.

Furthermore, we welcome back Kate Wilson to the best Fantasy Football League in the whole wide room.  The relentlessly optimistic Oxford United supporter has thrown her straw boater into the ring with other Oxford notables, Alun Edwards and Neil McConaghy.

Back too, with magnificent pedigree, is 2006 Champion Guy Harewood, and ukulele playing Brighton & 'Hove Actually' stalwart Nick Reed.  They'll be vying for supremacy with the only manager to ever achieve The Double: Steve Tierney is back to wave his Tierney's Twonks about, hoping to repeat the performance of 2004.  Let's emphasise that again... The Only Team To Have Done The Double.  That was an enormous achievement.  Enormous.  As is Steve.

[If all the stories are true]

[To be fair they're all HIS stories]

We also welcome back the current back-to-back Champions, Inter Milandrover.  But the less said about them the better.

Welcome back one and all, and remember... it's a marathon, not a etc etc.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds        Neil McConaghy      54.5 18  18
 1 Blat Setter's Mad HatteGavin Ward          54.6 18  18
 1 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        54.7 18  18
 1 Woolyback Returns      Guy Harewood        54.8 18  18
 1 Mintal Institute       Minty Colquhoun     54.9 18  18
 1 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             54.9 18  18
 7 Eggafield Rovers       Edgar Rayner        54.8 15  15
 7 1964 Prathletico GrandeMalcolm Pratt       54.9 15  15
 9 RS-TBOY                Rick Beecroft       54.5 14  14
10 Livercoolio            Russ Bielby         55.0 12  12

Cheese Arse Cries T'Not Again

Look, no-one says you have to play. 

Nobody TELLS you that you simply HAVE to be a part of it, do they? But hey! You wouldn't want to miss out though, would you?

Would you?

[Now hold yourself by the throat and push your face right up close to a mirror for this next line]

WOULD YOU?!!

[Now straighten yourself out and take a breath]

You could look on it as helping a stay-at-home Dad keep his sanity from being completely absorbed by the societal sponge that is Playgroups, Costa-based respite, Cbeebies Earworms, weaning, naps and nappies.

Studmarks will continue to be restricted to being issued irregularly, inaccurately and incoherently. And in between those ever-so important naps.

Because sleeping is important.

So important.

Not that we'll be changing the OFFL motto. No, it's still 'a marathon, not a sprint'.

And, yes, The Chairman is still skippering this particular Out-Of-Control leaky tanker through the choppy chilly waters of the Premiership ocean. Indeed, He's often been called an [in]complete tanker, as you know. You'll be witnessing his usual bouts of anger, depression, jubilation, Africa trips, back operations, Loopy albums and, of course, the humiliating ejections from the local Legs, Bums and Tums by the local Yummy Mums.

But right now, having offended those of you who can't read anything longer than 140 characters, all you have to do is the usual.

• Download this Excel Spreadsheet and fill it in [http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam].
• Think of an HILARIOUS team name that will make everyone snort in the first week and groan for the rest of the season.
• Send it to Studmarks@gmail.com.

All the usual rules apply.

All of them.

Tom will be picking his best music-based team - and trying to resist the obvious G McCartney/A Lennon pairing again. Minty will blindly pick Darren Bent up front. Mally will stumble upon a lucky unknown high-scoring midfielder. Gavin Ward or Craig McHugh will reach the OFFL Cup Final [another prize awaits]. Edgar won't make any transfers on principle and finish the season bewildered at why he's only just ahead of Tom at the foot of the table while RicknRuss will slog out yet another top ten finish via a point fine for bringing the game into disrepute.

We have Nick Reed back, picking players post-Poyet and no doubt Mr Tierney will enter his Twonks in Week 2, get lucky and win the damn thing in the penultimate week. Chris Walsh will be unable to mount a serious challenge and remain the only Real-Sense regular to be without a Championship win.

We could go on.

And we shall.

Go pick.

[While the baby's still asleep].

Week 40: Congratulations to...

No damage whatsoever to the credibility of the administration of the OFFL.

Last Year's OFFL Cup Runners Up become this year's League Runners Up, Dave Clayton loses out on the title by just 6 points as Inter Milandrover limp home to their second consecutive OFFL Championship.  Congratulations Smasher, I'm sure you've done no damage whatsoever to the credibility of the administration of the OFFL.

Meanwhile, magnanimous mention must go to Malcolm [Pratt] for his FC Maalcoma's 23-week unbroken reign at the top of the table from Week 6 onwards.  For a moment there, the Mally Factor looked indestructible.  Highest lady, reminding her friends of her old college days, is Sarah Bingbong who put on a very good show indeed [headpat, headpat].  Even the failed transfer request to swap Suarez for Tevez wasez entertainingez.

Highest Scoring Players this season

Highest pensioner Smears somehow managed a top ten finish along with Bad Boy Beecroft who, in spite of an early Point Fine, managed to mend his ways to squeak into ninth.  Good to see former Double Winner Steve Tierney regain some managerial kudos by finishing sixth, 20 points behind fourth placer [manager of the 2008 League Champions and last year's OFFL Cup Winners] Neil McConaghy.

Fine efforts, one and all.  But what of the cup?

OFFL Cup Final

Result

Olympilimps FC  20 v  13  Real Mcdrid 
Gavin Ward                Craig McHugh

Congratulations Gavin Ward for winning the Match of the Day Annual 2013.  A victory by 7 points thanks mainly to final day goals from G Bale TOT and T Walcott ARS.  Ward's Manager of the Week certificate winning 20 point haul by his Olympilimps FC guaranteed cup victory over the 2011 OFFL Cup Winners Real Mcdrid.

On learning of his victory, Gavin Ward released this press statement:

---

"I'm not going to say it was fate that led this victory to me, more that my worthy opponent let it slip through his buttery fingers. The minutes of intense concentration that went into the weekly review of the premier league have paid dividends that are far greater than I could have dreamed. 

"I'd like to thank Google search, the BBC website and the mouse wheel of luck for supporting me through this tough season. It is only fitting that I retire from the league with immediate effect with this unprecedented success still fresh in everyone's mind..... in order to plan a dramatic comeback in time for the new season. 

"Thank you to the Studmarks crew for running such a tight ship and getting results out on time almost every week.... 

"ahh - success has such a good taste, don't you think?"

--- Gavin Ward

On learning of his defeat Craig McHugh's Real Madrid PR Machine went spinning into action culminating in this statement:

---

"The lads played well ‘arry’ but on the day were beaten by the better team… Pele is the greatest footballer in the world but unfortunately we didn’t have him!!

"Congratulations go to OLYMPILIMPS FC and Mr Ward on a great game – I thought on the day we were going to witness another one of those Wigan / Man City stories, with 'las minnows' (our new nickname!!) taking the crown - alas we were eaten by the kingfisher of life.

"As no substitutions were made, ultimately the responsibility for the defeat falls to me, I’ll therefore be resigning with immediate effect and moving to Italy taking up a higher paid (although less rewarding) vacancy in the sun, (Not!!)

"Congratulations also to Inter Milandrover on a great campaign and winning the league + next season’s key signing of Matilda in goal?? Until the next kick-off.. Adiós Real Mcdrid.

"All the very best, take care and i'm off weep in my orange juice..."

---Craig McHugh

How benevolent.

And with that we, here at Studmarks, bid you all a fond farewell. It's been comforting to see the League bottom being scraped by the 'experimental' team of musicians that Tom Vamos constructed. Though 96 points adrift is something special, isn't it? The Bookies slept well over that one. It has also been lovely to share the banterous nonsense with the usual suspects so thank you all for taking part.

---

OFFL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2012/2013

Inter Milandrover, Smasher [474 points]

OFFL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP

Pyeators, Dave Clayton [468 points]

2013 OFFL CUP WINNERS

Olympilimps, Gavin Ward

2013 Cup Runners Up

Real Mcdrid, Craig McHugh

AND FINALLY...

As with any season-end the boffins at OFFL HQ like to attempt the construction of a 'Team of the Year'.  A team that, imagining that no transfers were made during the season, would have been unbeatable in the League this season.  So far the highest scoring total is 630 points.  Studmarks reckons you might be able to beat that because, as with anything the OFFL seems to do, it's largely based on educated guesswork and very little Quality Thinking Time.  Have a look at this [http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam] and see if you can outpuzzle the Umpa-Lumpa boffins.  If you manage a total greater than 630, OFFL'll shoot three of them.

Here's their effort...

Team 22:  Team of the Year?           Lge Pos:   1
Manager:  OFFL                                Points
                                      Value Final 
     PIN  Pos  Name            Team    (M)  Week  Total
   1 115   GK  J Hart            MC    4.6     1   40
   2 155   FB  L Baines          EVE   4.5    -1   47
   3 208   FB  J O'Brien         WH    3.1    -1   28
   4 261   CB  G Cameron         STO   3.5     2   15
   5 222   CB  D Luiz            CHE   4.7     0   45
   6 565   MF  Michu             SWA   3.9     0   58
   7 453   MF  G Bale            TOT   5.4     3   79
   8 297   MF  S Cazorla         ARS   4.4     8   60
   9 322   MF  J Mata            CHE   5.3     3   67
  10 505   ST  L Suarez          LIV   7.1     0   89
  11 486   ST  R van Persie      ARS   8.5     3  102
  
                              Totals  55.0    18  630
                             
Can you beat it?

Yeah, right.

Next season then?

Yeah, right.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             54.1 13 474

 2 Pyeators               Dave Clayton        54.0 14 468

 3 FC Maalcoma            Malcolm Pratt       54.0 11 452

 4 Neil's Diamonds        Neil McConaghy      55.0 12 444

 5 Multiple Scorgasms     Sarah Bingham       54.6 12 439

 6 WWMC                   Steve Tierney       54.7 15 424

 7 Olympilimps FC         Gavin Ward          54.2 20 416

 8 Irishpool              Mike Smears         54.4  9 393

 9 RST-BOY                Rick Beecroft       54.6 15 382

10 Moobchester United     John King           53.5 11 372