Week 07: Dearly Beloved

Portman Road receiving Our Most Gracious Chairman

This past weekend, while OMG Chairman went to Portman Road to press the flesh, kiss some babies and watch Ipswich Town knock Nick Reed's beloved Brighton & Hove Albion about, the OFFL received another cantankerous rant from Old Man Smears [see 'Transfers and Stuff'] who is basically demanding points for being old.

Fellow Liverpool-loving loon Russ Bielby becomes this week's Manager of the Week after his beloved limb-chewing chum, Luis 'Suspended' Suarez, comes back to play for his beloved Liverpool.  Our beloved Bielby brought his beloved Livercoolio a moderate 14 points moving them up four places into fifth - leaving Bielby's actual Beloved [Sarah] twelve places behind.  Where's the chivalry?

Notable among other more rational movers and shakers in the league is 1964 Prathletico Grande who fall four, down from second into sixth. Boo.

Keeping this week's Studmarks blissfully short, thanks to the need to urgently optimise the time afforded to us by an 8 month old's morning nap while prioritising the necessitous laundering of underwear for the week, we'll end with wishing Manager Rick Beecroft a happy anniversary for Thursday - Lord and Lady Beeky: still together after a lengthy four year marriage.  Congratulations both.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  8  81
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  7  77
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  6  76
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  7  72
 5 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 14  72
 6 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 -2  71
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  7  67
 8 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  0  66
 9 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      55.0  9  66
10 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9  5  65

Week 06: Mint Drop Trip

Gavin Ward receiving his prize from The Chairman
for winning the 2013 OFFL Cup

Pleasantly bewildering long term fans of his teams of yore, Chris Walsh has kept his eye firmly on the Bale this season and transferred out the 'No Longer Playing in the Premiership' player a mere three weeks after his move to the Fantasy Leagues of Spain. Well done, Mr Walsh. Maybe a finish in the top twenty this season IS possible after all.

The race so far: 

Progress, Points, Team Name

Meanwhile, manager of 2008 Champions and 2012 Cup Winners, Neil McConaghy, seizes the League's top spot from Minty Colquhoun this week by climbing two places and leapfrogging Malcolm Pratt's 1964 Prathletico Grande. Mintal Institute's little hiccough forced a tumble of four places - which is nothing when you look at Cup-holding manager Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters who plummet seven places this week.

Interestingly, and perhaps rather unpleasantly bewildering, our Manager of the Week this week is the most senior of our managers, Mr Mike Smears. His Irishpool netted a massive 20 points which places the Irish Liverpudlian firmly into a dizzying twentieth place. Take a seat and catch your breath, Sir.

Uninterestingly, in a slight change to how the league table works, The Chairman has decided that he should do something to reduce the amount of times teams become equally ranked. So he's added a fancy new procedure which officially separates teams by the total points, then team value, then weekly score. And if that lot fails to set you apart in the table something will probably explode.

Have a good week.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 13  73
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 10  73
 3 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 10  70
 4 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 19  70
 5 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2  66
 6 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 13  65
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       53.6 16  60
 8 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 14  60
 9 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 13  58
10 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 11  57

Week 05: Steady At The Back

Goalkeepers have been able to take it easy thus far

It's been a funny season so far.  Goals have not been gratifyingly gathered galore.  In fact, this time last season there were 35 more goals notched up across the collective Premiership scoreboard.  And that's in a season WITHOUT a Tony Pulis-managed team.  Yeah! We know!

What does this all mean for us?

Well, not only do our doting dalliances with Match of the Day die off into desperately dull damp-squibbery much earlier than usual, along with the usual poorly proffered pedantic punditry, but it also means that OFFL defences have been key to success thus far. This far. Thus far.  Thus. Thusly.

Early leaders, Minty's Mintal Institute, have maintained their fragile lead at the top of the table thanks to the large 44 points earned by her carefully selected defence.  At the same time, Minty watches Big Mally's 1964 Prathletico Grande creep up into second, just 1 point behind her, thanks to the 47 points from his highest-scoring defence in the league.

Manager of the Week this week is Moanchester Ununited's Alex Blundell after 17 points saw his team stay in exactly the same position in the table as last week.

In other news, Ash Keeler drops his Snickers six places while Craig 'David' McHugh's Real Mcdrid boost up five.

And finally, we welcome Hercule Poirot's Mainly Bell Jam and Tom Vamos's musically influenced 'It Goes To Eleven'.  Desperate selections both.

Welcome. Welcome. Score goals. Welcome.

Carry on.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 14  64
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 15  63
 3 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 12  60
 3 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 12  60
 5 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 11  53
 6 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 12  52
 7 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 12  51
 8 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 10  50
 9 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.7 12  47
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  9  47

Week 04: It's all about the Players List

Well, there's no way they're going to dole out Manager of the Week Certificates to everyone is there?  Get away with you.  You can take a copy of the new and updated Players List before you go.  But essentially, yeah, get away.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  0  50
 2 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  0  48
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8  0  48
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  0  48
 5 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9  0  43
 6 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6  0  42
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5  0  40
 7 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  0  40
 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  0  39
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  0  38

Week 03: Transfer Window Slams Shut

Mike Smears listening out for the
slamming shut of the transfer window

While the average age of OFFL manager has just suddenly leapt up by a decade or two, the Manager of the Week this week is the ever youthful Nick Reed.  His Gone Poyet Gone have jumped up by a car-crashingly large four places, to surge into, um, twelfth.  The impressive netting of 20 points not quite pushing him up to play with The Big Boys...

...and Girls. Yes, Top Posh Bint Minty continues to have the best view in the house by keeping ahead of the early chasers for the second week running.  Her Mintal Institute have reached a half-century of points already.  Totally Mintal.

And in a sudden spasm of activity, previously snoozing Pensioner Mike Smears was seen desperately fumbling with the volume controls in his ear in an attempt to quickly adjust his hearing aid settings after the rather large Premiership transfer window loudly slammed shut on Monday.  We should now have a more settled Players List until January.

And while we're riffing some quality jibber-jabber about the Players List, don't forget that if a player was already listed as belonging to a particular Premiership club and subsequently swaps to a different Premiership club then that player shall remain on our Players List as belonging to the original club.  Scott Parker, for example, remains listed as a TOT player despite the new Fulham shirt into which he now squeezes to the rasps of David Rose's The Stripper every Saturday afternoon.

The new Players List will be available next week.

That's it for now.

Studmarks remains your ever faithful OFFL servant.

T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f

Irishpool

   From: Mike Smears
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: 

Dear Mr President

I really must protest this time. Things have gone too far. I take a short three month break at Bognor Regis and come back to find that, without so much as a by-your-leave, these youngsters have started the league in my absence once again. Intolerable. In my day they'd have been horsewhipped. I demand that my team be allowed to win points retrospectively, especially those two lovely goals by Sturridge. Be so good as to reply by return and assure me that my request has been approved.

Yours outraged

Bristling from Bassett.

ps any news on the OAP allowance for extra players?

Chairman responds:

Oh it's good to have you back, Sir.  The summer hasn't been the same without your cantankerous sense of righteous privilege. I, for one, am greatly looking forward to the usual early Cup exit and your annual bob around the large-numbered rankings.  Welcome back.

=============================

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 13  50
 2 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 17  48
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 13  48
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 14  48
 5 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 13  43
 6 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 13  42
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 12  40
 7 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  8  40
 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 11  39
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  9  38