Week 11: Good Sheep, Bad Schandau

While out on a scouting mission for German talent, Our Chairman did find himself having a steamy session with a naked Dresden girl.  The naked local, who was also sitting next to her hunked-up boyfriend in the Steam Room at Bad Schandau quickly and coolly left without so much as raising an eyebrow of complaint at the awkward British repression on show. And talking of British Repression, Sheep City's Martyn Field [cough, choke] has decided to score enough points to push his team on to the top spot with Ms Bingham.

Manager of the Week with a team's score of 13 points is Alun Edwards of Radnorshire Tigers.

Everybody stare at Mike Smears... minus five.  Tut tut.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       53.8  7 119
 1 Sheep City             Martyn Field        54.5  8 119
 3 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 10 109
 4 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 11 104
 5 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2  7  99
 6 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0  2  95
 7 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 -3  90
 8 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  4  89
 9 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.2  9  86
 9 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.2  3  86
 9 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  5  86

Week 09 & 10: Torn to Shreds

Defence not doing its job

Promising defensive reputations were torn to shreds this week as too many managers, optimistically scanning up and down their respective team sheets, see players register minus points.

For example, Alex Blundell's Moanchester gives their manager something to, well, moan about by giving away 7 whole points, pulling themselves to the bottom of the pile.  All Hail The Chairman's Rob Ivison isn't feeling too cocky either as his sycophantically named team fall to joint tenth by losing 5 points.

In more encouraging news however, an amazing score of 20 points for ADFC helps Adriana Chittelborough to her first ever Manager of the Week certificate. Studmarks has been reassured that the much coveted and highly fictional certificate will hang invisibly on her parlour wall.

[Adopts cockney accent/gait...]

...Be lucky

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       53.8  1 112

 2 Sheep City             Martyn Field        54.5  7 111

 3 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9  2  99

 4 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 -2  93

 4 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0  2  93

 4 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0  5  93

 7 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 -1  92

 8 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  8  85

 9 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.2 -1  83

10 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          53.6 -5  81

10 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  2  81

Week 8: Abominable

Norma Snockers HQ

Norma Snockers are still on top, resting on the shoulders of Sheep City who bleating away in second.  They are the first teams past the 100 point mark this season with the chasing pack not far behind.

What's that Shivam's Sneakers?  Only 6 points this week?  Yeah.  Only 6.

Only 6.

Manager of the Week is our foppishly fluffy feline friend, and current OFFL Champion, Lionel Larking.  He paw-swiped his team to a week's bowlful of 26 points and continues to mount his defence of the title.  Which has never been successfully defended in 15 years by the way.

Everyone stare at Minty Colquhoun, Adriana Chittelborough, Alun Edwards and Gavin Ward as they fall past you.  All plummet six places in the table. The Plummeting Humpty Numpties.

---
And finally, we remember James Wyse, Manager of Didcot Academicals in 2000/2001 season, who died last month.  He was telling his usual terrible jokes to the very end.  Like this one...

What do you call a male cattle that's just swallowed some semtex?

A bomb in a bull.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       53.8 12 111
 2 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 16 104
 3 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9  6  97
 4 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 13  95
 5 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 10  93
 6 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 11  91
 7 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 18  88
 8 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          51.7 16  86
 9 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.2 20  84
10 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2 11  79

Week 5, 6 & 7: The Circle of Life

And reminding us of the circle of life...
Large congratulations to Rick 'RS T-Baby' Beecroft who has managed to sire a daughter.  Her middle name is not, more's the pity, 'Necessary On Bicycle?'.  Welcome Isabel to Lord Beeky's world.

Is it though?

You'll get used to it eventually.

Rising highest, up nine, is Jirka 'Call Me George' Opatrny's Chi'Knees Czechers while falling furthest, eleven places to be exact, is Minty's Upmintster United.

Manager of the 'Week' is Sarah Bingham who managed to steer her Norma Snockers to a wobblingly large total of 58 points.  This does, actually, lift and seperate her to the top of the table, knocking Mr Mehta of his *ing perch.

Not quite sure what a *ing perch is exactly but there we go...

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       53.8 58  99

 2 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 28  91

 3 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 45  88

 4 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 41  83

 5 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 30  82

 6 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 48  80

 7 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          51.7 38  70

 7 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 21  70

 9 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0 40  69

10 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2 41  68

11 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 29  65

12 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1 29  64

12 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.2 35  64

12 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0 39  64

15 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 23  63

16 The WWMC               Steve Tierney       54.2 18  59

16 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0 34  59

18 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh        55.0 33  58

19 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 33  57

20 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7 19  52

20 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 19  52

22 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 21  51

23 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.8 26  46

24 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 13  45

25 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9 33  44

26 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9 23  42

26 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0 30  42

28 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 27  40

29 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9 19  38

30 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0 16  37

31 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.8 27  36

32 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  6  29

33 Irishpool              Mike Smears         54.5 19  19

34 Moanchester            Alex Blundell       54.8 31  15

34 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking      55.0 15  15

                          Week's Average Points        28

                          Total Average Points         55

Week 4: Tumbleweed

You get weeks like this every once in a while.  Nothing scored by anyone.  Not a thing.

What's different about this week, however, is the number of real life transfers and player loans in the real Premiership world of reality.  No, really.  There were loads of them.  Might be worth checking out the Players List if you're getting twitchy about your current line up.  @RobIvison?

Forget ye not, any player already registered as playing for a club at the beginning of the season must stay allocated to that Premiership team.  Nasri, for example: he'll be listed as an Arsenal player all season.  Despite the fact that he'll be scoring hatfulls of goals for Manchester City.

Imagine the administrative nightmare were it not this way.  Hmm.  Well?

[Musical Interlude while imaginations start clunking into action]

[Sound of panting and wheezing drowns out Interlude Music]

Anyway, this may alter your tactics.  You can now enjoy a midfield of Silva MC, Barry MC and Nasri ARS.  All of them actually playing for Manchester City.

In the meantime, instead of befuzzling our older managers, like Mr Mike Smears for example, what we could do is have a pointless perusal at how popular your purchased platoon of players are...


Player Popularity
PIN Name       Team Freq
------------------------
383   Nani      MU   14
520 W Rooney    MU   12
120 J Hart      MC   11
164 L Baines    EVE  11
509 L Suarez    LIV  10
161 A Cole      CHE   9
239 B Hangeland FUL   8
363 D Kuyt      LIV   8
237 P Jagielka  EVE   8
487 D Bent      AV    7
247 V Kompany   MC    7
357 C Adam      LIV   7
337 F Malouda   CHE   7
.
.

This leads us to wonder which team is the most 'popular' team in our league. 

Ug?

Yes, which manager has picked the prevalently popular players?

We can work this out by giving every player a score according to how many times they appear in the League's teams.  In other words, Nani gets a weighting of 14, Rooney 12, Hart 11, Baines 11 etc etc [see above table].  We then look at each team and add up the weightings for their players.

You know it makes sense...

Teams with the Most Popular Players Table

-----------------------------------------

                                            Value PointsPopular

#  Team                  Manager            (GBPm)  Tot Rating

--------------------------------------------------------------

 2 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John    54.60  52   93

 6 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham      54.60  41   86

30 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox        55.00  12   80

17 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby     55.00  29   79

 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta       54.90  63   78

 9 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft      54.70  36   78

20 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh       55.00  25   77

 3 Inter Milandrover      Smasher            55.00  49   76

19 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner       54.20  27   76

26 Double's United        Rachel Jones       54.80  20   75

27 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood       54.90  19   75

11 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský    54.80  33   74

20 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes         55.00  25   73

 8 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt      54.70  40   72

20 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton       55.00  25   71

 4 Sheep City             Martyn Field       55.00  43   70

33 Irishpool              Mike Smears        54.50   0   70

 6 The WWMC               Steve Tierney      54.20  41   68

10 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed          52.10  35   67

13 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun    54.10  32   63

13 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison         51.70  32   63

13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny      55.00  32   63

17 Poyekhali              Lester Clark       55.00  29   63

27 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh        54.90  19   63

11 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers       53.70  33   60

33 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking     55.00   0   60

 5 Moobchester United     Jon King           54.20  42   59

32 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler      54.80   9   58

16 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy     55.00  30   56

29 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards       54.40  13   53

23 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge    49.50  24   51

31 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro54.90  11   51

25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns          55.00  21   39

24 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward         54.50  23   38

I don't quite know what we can conclude from that but we can claim that Johnny's Heroes is the most popular team.  Congratulations?  And Wardy's Wanderers is the most unique.  Congratulations also?  

I think.  

You make up your own mind.

Time to go.

By order of the omnipotent @OFFLChairman, the @OFFL is suspended for the next two full weeks.  @Studmarks will be back and posting after the 23rd September.

You bunch of right little smashers.