Week 20: Zartog Strikes Back

Manager of the Week is NOT Sarah Bielby.  That is a fact.  Read it.  Take it on board people.  It's like a new dawn or something.  A New Christmas Dawn.

No it's not.  She may not have nabbed the certificate but her Johnny's Heroes have snaffled Second place to her husband's First.  This season is turning into a Bielby rout.

Happily, though probably initiating another cantankerous rant, the Manager of the Week certificate has actually gone to Mike Smears.  His Irishpool score a massive 38 points pushing themselves into the lofty position of Fourth.

Oh Lofty, Michelle NEVER loved you.

OFFL Cup

Group Stages, So Far

Group A                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Inter Milandrover             54.2    35
  Livercoolio                   55.0    28
  It's A Snickers               54.6    19

Group B                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Blet Satters Mad Hatters      54.6    25
  Malcolmyouplaysobadly         54.8    19
  Real Mcdrid                   54.8    15

Group C                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Irishpool                     54.8    38
  A Bit Temperamintal           55.0    29
  RS-TBOY                       52.2    19

Group D                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Pyeators                      55.0    23
  Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil          50.0    21
  Which Team                    55.0    21

Group E                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Johnny's Heroes               54.0    33
  Moanchester Disunited         52.1    26
  Didcot Rovers                 55.0    10

Group F                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  The Flying Geese              54.2    30
  Neil's Diamonds               54.1    24
  Not In Your Mum's Forest      54.7    18

Group G                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Botley Yellow                 51.7    24
  Couldn't be Hyppia            54.6    24
  Awesome Athletic              50.2    13

Group H                        Value  Wk20
------------------------------------------
  Radnorshire Tigers            49.7    25
  Moobchester United            51.7    23
  Pedro's Plodders              46.7     9

One more week of this left and we'll know who's in and who's out.

Pedro's probably out, let's face it.

Well that's it for 2014, now you can go back to watching Mary Poppins.  Or a repeat of the Big Bang Theory.

Or Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back.

Have a safe New Year.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0 28 201
 2 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.0 33 196
 3 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 19 194
 4 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.8 38 185
 5 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 21 183
 6 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    52.2 19 176
 7 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7 25 174
 8 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.3 35 173
 9 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 18 167
10 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 25 164

Week 19: Christmas Lovin' Happened So Fast

Sarah and Russ Bloody Bielby

Wella, wella, wella, oof!

Look at that.  Big Mally's Malcolmyouplaysobadly have pinched back the number one spot from Russ Bielby.  Meanwhile, Russ's middle name of 'Bloody' has been passed across to his wife, Sarah 'Bloody' Bielby whose Johnny's Heroes has won her YET ANOTHER Manager of the Week Certificate by scoring 20 points this week.  The Heroes are up to third in the table.

The rest of the week has seen the usual ups and downs of the other managers who all merrily toast the good fortune of the Bielby's without a hint of jealousy because it is the season of good will to all men [and women] isn't it?

*Pause*

[Silence]

I said "ISN'T IT?"

*Pause*

[Reluctant murmur of concurrence]

That's more like it.

And yes, I'm particularly talking to you Stanley Wilson and Nick Reed.  And you can wipe that smug look of your face too Chris Walsh.

Happy Bloody Christmas.

And now the cup begins...

OFFL Cup

First Round

Group A                       Value
  Livercoolio                   55.0
  Inter Milandrover             54.6
  It's A Snickers               54.9

Group B
  Malcolmyouplaysobadly         54.8
  Blet Satters Mad Hatters      54.6
  Real Mcdrid                   54.8

Group C
  RS-TBOY                       55.0
  Irishpool                     54.8
  A Bit Temperamintal           55.0

Group D
  Which Team                    55.0
  Pyeators                      55.0
  Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil          50.0

Group E
  Johnny's Heroes               54.9
  Moanchester Disunited         52.1
  Didcot Rovers                 55.0

Group F
  Not In Your Mum's Forest      54.7
  The Flying Geese              54.2
  Neil's Diamonds               54.1

Group G
  Botley Yellow                 51.7
  Couldn't be Hyppia            54.6
  Awesome Athletic              50.2

Group H
  Radnorshire Tigers            52.6
  Moobchester United            51.7
  Pedro's Plodders              46.7
  

Good luck.  And Happy Christmas.  

You're all rather lovely.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 12 175
 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0  6 173
 3 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.0 20 163
 4 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  8 162
 5 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  1 157
 6 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7 10 149
 7 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  8 149
 8 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.8  3 147
 9 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       53.9 11 139
10 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7 -1 138

Week 18: Fernando Who?

Rachel Jones: including herself

Yet again, laziness has proved the best form of management for one Mr Keeler.  Well, that is if his sole intent is to get Manager of the Week certificates - and we don't mean finding the bottom of one of his Reeboks inside a marquee.

[PAUSE to give the slow ones amongst you time to get to that rather feeble gag.  No?  OK, you'll probably enjoy that one on your way home tonight then]

And before the unnecessary smart Alec square bracket comments detract from the opening premise let us focus on the matter at hand.  We wouldn't want to spin off into an uncontrollable tangent now would we?

Manager of the Week.  Ashley Keeler.  25 points.  Last transfer was the removal of Fernando Torres CHE.

[Exactly... Fernando who?].

You're lazy, Mr Keeler.  LAZY.

It's A Snickers climb two places.

There.

In other notable nonsense, our Highest Climber this week is The Venerable Smears's Irishpool who leapfrog five places into Fifth.  This is all while the Lovely Rachel Jones sneakily includes herself in the top four peloton*, only 13 points behind leader Boy Bielby.

Keep enjoying the Christmas run up won't you?

* this instance of the word 'Peloton' appears courtesy of the 2012 London Olympics

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0  5 167
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  9 163
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  3 156
 4 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 16 154
 5 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.8 17 144
 6 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.9  7 143
 7 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  7 141
 8 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7  7 139
 9 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.6  8 139
10 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  5 134

Week 17: OFFL Cup First Round

Two examples of an inclination.

While Our Most Gracious Chairman considers another Christmas of inadequate present-giving and lonely hangovers, yet another Manager of the Week certificate flies up to Sarah Bielby.  Her Johnny's Heroes not only pooper-scooped 23 points this week but also scrambled up a steep four place gradient in the league.

Meanwhile, tumbling down that same gradient, plummeting five places - lowest faller for quite some time - is Inter Milandrover.  It's probably appropriate now to observe a minute's silence but we simply don't have the time.

Nor the inclination.

Russell Bielby increases his lead at the top of the table by 3 points.

Yes.  We HAVE all had enough of The Bielbys by now.

Not so Awesome Athletic *snigger*, 2 points.

The OFFL Cup

Group Stages, to be played over the Christmas period

Group A                       Value
  Livercoolio                   55.0
  Inter Milandrover             54.6
  It's A Snickers               54.9

Group B
  Malcolmyouplaysobadly         54.8
  Blet Satters Mad Hatters      54.6
  Real Mcdrid                   54.8

Group C
  RS-TBOY                       55.0
  Irishpool                     54.8
  A Bit Temperamintal           55.0

Group D
  Which Team                    55.0
  Pyeators                      55.0
  Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil          50.0

Group E
  Johnny's Heroes               54.9
  Moanchester Disunited         52.1
  Didcot Rovers                 55.0

Group F
  Not In Your Mum's Forest      54.7
  The Flying Geese              54.2
  Neil's Diamonds               54.1

Group G
  Botley Yellow                 51.7
  Couldn't be Hyppia            54.6
  Awesome Athletic              50.2

Group H
  Radnorshire Tigers            52.6
  Moobchester United            51.7
  Pedro's Plodders              46.7
 
Bottom placed teams get knocked out.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8 21 162
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 18 154
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0 20 153
 4 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 17 138
 5 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.9 23 136
 6 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 13 134
 7 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7 13 132
 8 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.6 14 131
 9 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  5 129
10 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 20 127

Week 16: A Bit TemperaBental

Bent: hard of hearing

Ironic that as soon as her star striker, Darren Bent, leaves the Premiership for the Championship [scoring the opener for his new team, as it happens] then the rest of her team perk up, put in a performance and pull in enough points to win a Manager of the Week Certificate for Ms Minty Colquhoun.  Yes, Minty, you ARE this week's Manager of the Week - Congratulations.  Indeed, A Bit Temperamintal snaffled 16 points from a week that saw Our Leaders take just 5.  The 'Mintals climb two places.

Now it's time to look at the newly monikered 'Team of the Month for November' table.  Astonishingly, Nick Reed's Couldn't Be Hyppia have had the best month with 49 points, begging the question "Why currently only fifteenth?".

The next month may well provide an answer.

Team of the Month for November

 Lge
 Pos Team                          £m    Nov
 -------------------------------------------
  15 Couldn't be Hyppia           54.6    49
  10 Johnny's Heroes              54.9    46
   5 Not In Your Mum's Forest     54.7    42
   7 Botley Yellow                51.7    41
   1 Livercoolio                  54.8    41
   3 RS-TBOY                      55.0    41
  22 Neil's Diamonds              54.1    40
  18 It's A Snickers              54.9    38
   2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly        54.8    37
  14 The Flying Geese             54.7    36
   6 Which Team                   55.0    36
  17 A Bit Temperamintal          55.0    36
   9 Irishpool                    54.8    34
   4 Inter Milandrover            54.6    33
   8 Radnorshire Tigers           52.6    30
  12 Blet Satters Mad Hatters     54.6    30
  13 Moanchester Disunited        52.1    28
  11 Pyeators                     55.0    25
  16 Moobchester United           51.7    19
  21 Didcot Rovers                55.0    19
  20 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil         48.9    18
  19 Real Mcdrid                  54.8    17
  23 Awesome Athletic             50.2    14
  24 Pedro's Plodders             46.7     3

...and finally

The OFFL Cup

By the end of next week your team's league position will determine which qualifying mini-group you'll be in.  Each mini-group will consist of three teams.  The team that ends up bottom of their group [using the scores taken from over the Christmas Period] will be eliminated from the competition.

Group A will be made up of the teams who rest in 1st, 9th and 17th
Group B will be made up of the teams who rest in 2nd, 10th and 18th... etc

Even Pedro's Plodders should be able to work that one out.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8  5 141

 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  6 136

 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  6 133

 4 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  3 124

 5 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  8 121

 6 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 10 121

 7 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7  8 119

 8 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.6  8 117

 9 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.4 12 113

10 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.7  2 113

Week 14 & 15: Another Year

Another year older, another year cantankerouser. Yes, a new word there for a new birthday for the not so new Mr Mike Smears.  Double congratulations go to the aged Manager of Irishpool, not only for his umpteenth birthday but also for his jump over the 100 point mark.  Careful of that back, Sir.

Congratulations also go to the not so old and very much youthful Sarah Bielby.  This little good-time minx, and much respected wife of current leader Russ, fish-netted a marvellous 14 points for the week - her Johnny's Heroes winning another Manager of the Week certificate for their leggy stunner of a manager.

And while you're wondering why we'd want to squeeze yet another paragraph of nonsense into this once renowned regular missive when there really isn't that much to talk about this week, we'll gently hint at the OFFL Cup first round.  League positions at the end of Week 17 will be used to determine seedings. Then the scores over the Christmas period will be used to determine who goes through to the knockout stages.  And the prize this year?

Well wouldn't YOU like to know?

[Voice continues in muffled mumblings amongst the jumbled junk of the loft]

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8  6 136

 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  3 130

 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  6 127

 4 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  8 121

 5 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  9 113

 6 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7  7 111

 7 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.7  8 111

 8 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  7 111

 9 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.6  8 109

10 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.9 14 103

Week 13: Did What Rovers?

Much sought after

We have a manager amongst us who likes bags.  He collects them, in fact. Every once in a while he spots a special one that takes his fancy and launches himself into a highly focussed campaign to achieve possession.  According to bag-collecting folklore, there is one bag that is pursued above all others.  A bag that ranks highest over all other bags.

It is made of hessian, smells slightly of damp earth and is a thing of 'real beauty'. A unique cloth-like container of things.  Bag enthusiast, Edgar Rayner, finally treated himself to it.

Yes, after a string of very poor results last week and, more importantly, a mild mannered gloat from a former colleague with siemens all over her email signature, the Didcot Rovers' manager treated himself to a new addition for his collection.

He gave himself The Sack.

And if you think that was far too elaborate a set up for such a disappointing punch line then just think about this to distract yourself... Edgar Rayner's transfer policies over the past few seasons have left him with no choice but to relieve himself.

Of his duties.

If it's any consolation, the aforementioned former gloating colleague, Rachel Jones, has herself plopped down the league, falling three places with her Which Team.

It's not is it?

Meanwhile, Manager of the Week is Rick Beecroft, earning his TBOYS 20 points and consolidating their third place in the league.  They're catching up the two teams who are currently taking it in turns to enjoy the number one spot - Russ Bielby's Livercoolio overtakes Malcolmyouplaysobadly up there once more.

Worthy of mention too is late-arriving Niel's Diamonds: finally off the bottom of the table and clawing through the lower of the low-achieving teams. Only a gap of 87 points to catch up, eh?


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8 19 130
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 13 127
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0 20 121
 4 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6 16 113
 5 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7 12 104
 6 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 17 104
 7 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  5 104
 8 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.7 11 103
 9 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     53.2 13 101
10 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 12  99

Week 12: Snicked it

Ash Keeler Goes Large this week

It's A Snickers has skilfully developed an enviable record of consistency over the last few years.  Yes, it's one of abject underachievement and disastrous manoeuvring in the transfer market but it is consistent. Manager Ash Keeler, currently scouting for boys in Australia [for his "youth academy"], has never asked much from life, ignoring the beard trimmer he got last Christmas.  But this week, it seems his desire for success has been tickled.  A fortuitous week has seen his Snickers kick and nick the pick of the week's points.

Tick.

17 points earns Mr Keeler the Manager of the Week Certificate for Week 12.  Congratulations to him.  His team have moved up two places into nineteenth.  May the push for the title gather momentum.

It's going to need it.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 15 114
 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8 11 111
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  9 101
 4 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 14  99
 5 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  6  98
 6 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   51.7 14  92
 7 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  4  92
 8 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     53.2  1  88
 9 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 10  87
10 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  8  87

Week 11: Eight teams worse off

This season, we're eight teams worse off

And with the passing of Week 11 we find ourselves with a team on the 100 point mark.  Congratulations to our new leader, Russ Bielby and his Livercoolio.

Interestingly, at this stage of the season last year, 8 teams would have been ahead of Mr Bielby.  Yes, eight.

Eight.

14 points for the Pyeators sees this week's Manager of the Week Certificate go the way of the Dave [Clayton].  Congratulations Mr Clayton, this shoves you up three places into fifth with all your transfers still intact.

Scarily promising then.

In the meantime, we see Russ Bielby also claim Manager of the Month for October with his colleague, Rick Beecroft, only down in second due to a Points per Pound [PpP] valuation that doesn't really hold up to scrutiny when transfers are taken into account over the month so let's leave it there shall we lah-di-dah and all that innit.

Standings for the month of October.

   Team                         ££.£   Pts
------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                  54.8    45
 2 RS-TBOY                      55.0    45
 3 Not In Your Mum's Forest     54.7    42
 4 Blet Satters Mad Hatters     54.6    35
 5 Malcolmyouplaysobadly        54.8    35
 6 Pyeators                     55.0    35
 7 Johnny's Heroes              54.9    33
 8 Irishpool                    54.4    29
 9 Inter Milandrover            54.6    29
10 Which Team                   55.0    26

Week 09 & 10: Whingers and Losers

Wholly Moses

After watching Swansea Manager, Gary Monk, have a pop at both the match referee and a certain Stoke City player 'who brought back the tablets from Mount Sinai [allegedly] three and a half thousand years back', Studmarks HQ are reminded that there's a time and a place for a bloody good moan.

For Sarah Bingham, the time is not now and the place is not here.  She is this week's Manager of the Week.  Congratulations.  Her Not In Your Mum's Forest scored a flourishingly fecund 24 points - and that was without Sergio Aguero in her team.

This score also makes Ms Bingham the Highest Climber this week.  Indeed, breathtakingly whizzing past each other in the table is she and lowest descender Alex Blundell.  Proof that, and as is always the case, when goals are scored by one team they are, sadly, also conceded by the other.  In this case, the week's Premiership results have elevated Ms Bingbong up seven places and demoted Mr Blunbong seven places.

If the Chairman's personal call log is anything to go by, Mr Blundell has been desperately trying to get through to submit some verbal transfer requests in the hope of arresting his team's decline.  Too bad OMG Chairman has so many so many of his own Press Conferences to attend.  Either that or the Moanchester Manager just wants a bloody good moan.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8 19  91

 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8 19  89

 3 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  7  83

 4 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0 19  83

 5 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 10  80

 6 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     53.2 -1  78

 7 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 24  76

 8 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  7  74

 9 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.4 12  72

10 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 14  68

Week 08: Three

Magic  

In spite of modern day technology and billions of dollars being pumped into all sorts of research programmes around the globe, there remains no actual definitive evidence to clearly demonstrate without a doubt that Three is in fact the magic number.

Three is, however, the number of managers sharing this week's Manager of the Week Certificate.

Yes, aye and not no.

Indeed, Rick Beecroft, Jon King and Sarah Bielby all tear off a rough strip of a rough third of the mythical certificate.  Each manager scores a not-unique 17 points for their respective teams.

Lord Beeky McBeecroft also deserves a mention for his Manager of the Month achievement for September.  His RS-TBOY scored a total of 33 points throughout last month.

   Team                        Sept
 ----------------------------------
 1 RS-TBOY                      33
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly        30
 3 Radnorshire Tigers           28
 4 Which Team                   28
 5 Moanchester Disunited        28
 6 Inter Milandrover            27
 7 Botley Yellow                25
 8 Irishpool                    24
 9 Didcot Rovers                24
10 Livercoolio                  24
.
.
.

And Lord Beeky ALSO deserves another mention for being the manager with fewest transfers remaining for the season so far.

This is not something to boast about.

Lge Team                     Manager        Transfers
Pos                                         Remaining
-----------------------------------------------------
 8 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft      5
 1 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards       6
22 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed          6
11 Irishpool                 Mike Smears        7
 4 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby        8
 5 Which Team                Rachel Jones       9
15 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham      9
23 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler      9
 2 Inter Milandrover         Smasher           10
14 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble       10
18 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh       10
20 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun   10
 9 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson    11
17 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner      11
.
.
.

This leaves three accolades for Mr Beecroft, all in one week's Studmarks.

At last: proof that Three is very much the magic number.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.7 15  79

 2 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6 15  77

 3 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  8  72

 4 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.8 15  70

 5 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 11  70

 6 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  9  67

 7 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0 14  67

 8 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0 17  64

 9 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   49.5  3  62

10 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8 14  62

Week 07: Couldn't Be Bottomer

A barge that is out of the way

It's all change at the top again with Radnorshire Tigers barging Malcolmyouplaysobadly out of the way, just as Mr Pratt was making himself comfy up there.

Meanwhile, Couldn't Be Hyppia couldn't be bottomer as Nick Reed's appalling run of form continues to see his throng of thugs thoolishly thuck everything up for him.  Again.

Manager of the Week this week is juggler-of-moral-high-grounds* Edgar Rayner, his Didcot Rovers netted an uncharacteristically large 18 points pushing the guiltless manager up four places.  Arch-rival, Rachel Jones, saw her Which Team also climb high, up three places.

*Mr Rayner's transfer policy is in tatters this year.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.7  9  64

 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  6  64

 3 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  6  62

 4 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   49.5  6  59

 5 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 11  59

 6 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  9  58

 7 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.9  4  55

 8 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  2  53

 9 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      54.7 11  50

10 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  3  48

Week 06: Living Room Lap Of Honour

Malcolmyouplaysobadly continues the tussle for top spot by gaining the Manager of the Week certificate for manager Malcolm Pratt and using the week's 9 points to boot Inter Milandrover into second.

Botley Yellow also uses the week to recapture a top four spot, little Stanley doing a lap of honour around his living room.  We imagine.

This week's highest climb is four places, by Moanchester Disunited who now lie in seventh.

Jon King and Gavin Ward.  League chumpions this week.  Oof.

The show rolls on.

Botley Yellow's Stanley Wilson
doing his living room lap of honour

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.8  9  58
 2 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.6  3  56
 3 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     52.7  4  55
 4 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   49.5  7  53
 5 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.9  4  51
 6 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  2  51
 7 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  8  49
 8 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  4  48
 9 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  3  45
10 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    55.0  4  41

Week 04/05: Metaphorical Certificates

Too much effort

RS-TBOY manager, Rick Beeky McBeecroft, has hammered home an enormous 23 points this week making him the undisputed Champion [of the Week].  Manager of the Week Certificate is on its way to you, Sir*.  And the highest climb of seven places.  Into twelfth.  Hm.

Also worthy of note is Moobchester's climb of six places, into eighth, after scoring 22 points this week.

Meanwhile, our first change of leaders sees the inexplicably unpopular Inter Milandrover leapfrog Radnorshire Tigers to clamber to the top of the pile for the first time since Week 09 of last season.  Not a situation that is likely to improve the general opinion of the past Champs.  However, current Champs, Livercoolio, excel into fifth.

*This is actually not the case anymore due to the cost of paper/ink/postage/effort.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.3 18  53
 2 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.7 15  51
 3 Malcolmyouplaysobadly      Malcolm Pratt   54.8 15  49
 4 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 17  49
 5 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.9 16  47
 6 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.5 12  46
 7 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    54.4 13  44
 8 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.5 22  44
 9 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6 12  44
10 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 14  42

Week 03: Hyppia Hyppia Shake

Yes. A reed with a nick in it. Could it be Hyppia?

MalcolmYouPlaySoBadly's Malcolm Pratt is this week's Manager of the Week with a heftily chubby 15 points, lifting his collection of overpaid reprobates up eight places into fourth spot in the League. Phat.

Dropping seven places, however, is Didcot Rovers. Their score of minus 3 is, in a a very real sense, half as bad as It's A Snickers' week's score.

Just don't stare at Couldn't Be Hyppia's Nick Reed, however.  He'll start to get paranoid that we're all talking about him or something.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.8  1  36

 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  5  35

 3 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.1  6  34

 4 Malcolmyouplaysobadly      Malcolm Pratt   54.8 15  34

 5 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6  9  32

 6 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0  7  32

 7 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    53.8 11  31

 8 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.9 13  31

 9 Moanchester Disunited      Alex Blundell   52.1  5  30

10 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8  9  28

Week 02: Mock not. Yet.

The Umpa-Lumpas receive Mr Smears' transfer request at
OFFL HQ in the first week.

Senility is not something to mock.  So we'll just let Mike Smears' Week 1 transfer request speak for itself while allowing it to quietly open up the floodgates for all the other trigger-happy managers out there. Though, to be fair, if Irishpool win the League after this it may go down as a stupendous masterstroke.

Generally, Mr Smears' Fantasy Football team management genius has been well hidden up till now so we'll just move along from the opening paragraph.  There's nothing to see here [yet].

Manager of the Week this week is, again, not Mike Smears who didn't score 20 points for his team, unlike ninth-placed Moobchester United's Jon King who IS manager of the week for doing precisely that.  Congratulations Mr King.

In the meantime, more teams have joined us making the Most Popular Players List look a little bit like this {see table below].  Of course, as mindless panic-driven transfers continue to pelt down upon us this list will evolve.

PIN     Surname           Club Value  Count
-------------------------------------------
402 MF  R Sterling        LIV    4.6   11
263 CB  D Lovren          LIV    3.8   10
322 MF  A Ramsey          ARS    5.0   10
531 ST  D Costa           CHE    7.5    9
413 MF  Y Toure           MC     6.4    8
171 FB  S Coleman         EVE    4.5    7
559 ST  W Rooney          MU     7.8    7
143 GK  H Lloris          TOT    3.8    5
341 MF  C Fabregas        CHE    5.6    6
423 MF  J Mata            MU     5.4    6
560 ST  R van Persie      MU     8.4    6
188 FB  P Zabaleta        MC     4.9    5
487 MF  G Sigurdsson      SWA    4.0    5
108 GK  P Cech            CHE    4.4    4
114 GK  T Howard          EVE    4.0    4
150 FB  M Debuchy         ARS    4.5    4
199 FB  C Chambers        ARS    3.6    4
159 FB  K Richardson      AV     3.5    4
166 FB  B Ivanovic        CHE    4.9    4
214 FB  B Davies          TOT    3.5    4
399 MF  A Lallana         LIV    4.5    4
519 ST  A Sanchez         ARS    7.4    4
540 ST  S Naismith        EVE    5.9    4
.
.

By the way, Our Most Gracious Chairman would like us to point out that 'tapping up' the Chairman for insider information on the arrival of new players will NOT be tolerated.  Balotelli, Bielby, need I say more?  Is that a Point Fine we can feel coming on?

-

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.8 19  35
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 15  30
 3 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.1 13  28
 4 Moanchester Disunited      Alex Blundell   52.1 17  25
 5 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 15  25
 6 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     54.8 13  24
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6 12  23
 8 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.6 10  23
 9 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.5 20  21
10 Didcot Rovers              Edgar Rayner    55.0 13  21

Week 01: Paws, Pause, Pours

Other ways to watch the TV in your favourite lycra listening to your iPod.

Apart from playing their part in many an amusing cat video there is no real need for running machines to actually exist in our lives, let's face it.  There are plenty of other ways to watch the TV in your favourite lycra while standing up listening to your iPod.

And very much like a running machine so the OFFL treadmill finds itself in existence.

[We shall now pause for you to flick through your own images of stumbling padding pussy paws while we awkwardly wait for the OFFL metaphor rain to stop pouring on the opening couple of paragraphs of this Week's Studmarks. Let's hoist an umbrella and get down to business, shall we?]

And like needless running machines there is certainly no need to point out the bleedin' obvious (but we're going to anyway) in that the Manager of the Week this week is Alun Edwards for managing his Radnorshire Tigers to a first week's table-topping tally of 16 points. Let's see if the Tigers can keep this up unlike Minty Colquhoun's early lead last season...

*Swanny Whistle Down*

Amid such farce we welcome some old faces back to OFFL20.  Not least Pete "Mr Loverman" Braithwaite who was part of the league when it was the RFFL, many years ago, but also we say hello [in the style of Mr Tumble] to OFFL Virgins Stanley Wilson and Mandy Noble.  And while their two ages bring the OFFL Manager average down to about 15 years, the returning Mr Smears ensures it climbs back up to nearer the usual 65 years.

In the meantime, let's have a look at the most popular players picked so far in the league.

PIN     Surname           Club Value  Count
-------------------------------------------
263 CB  D Lovren          LIV    3.8    8
402 MF  R Sterling        LIV    4.6    7
413 MF  Y Toure           MC     6.4    7
531 ST  D Costa           CHE    7.5    7
171 FB  S Coleman         EVE    4.5    6
322 MF  A Ramsey          ARS    5.0    6
559 ST  W Rooney          MU     7.8    6
341 MF  C Fabregas        CHE    5.6    5
423 MF  J Mata            MU     5.4    5
114 GK  T Howard          EVE    4.0    4
143 GK  H Lloris          TOT    3.8    4
199 FB  C Chambers        ARS    3.6    4
159 FB  K Richardson      AV     3.5    4
188 FB  P Zabaleta        MC     4.9    4
399 MF  A Lallana         LIV    4.5    4
519 ST  A Sanchez         ARS    7.4    4
560 ST  R van Persie      MU     8.4    4

Enough of this nonsense.  It's Week 1.  Welcome back.  Get on with it.

PS
No mention of the World Cup so far eh?

PPS
D'Oh!


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.8 16  16
 2 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.1 15  15
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 15  15
 4 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 13  13
 5 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6 11  11
 6 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     55.0 11  11
 7 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.9 10  10
 8 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 10  10
 9 Pedro's Plodders           Pete Braithwait 46.7  8   8
10 Moanchester Disunited      Alex Blundell   52.1  8   8

Deadlines, deadlines.

If you want to earn the scores from this weekend then get your team in before 1500hrs tomorrow.  Otherwise, get your team in before Monday 1730hrs in order to get the scores from the following weekend.

Week 00: It Was 20 Years Ago

To say that there's nothing worse than receiving unsolicited email about something you have absolutely no interest in whatsoever is ignoring other, far far worse, experiences.

Like giving that nice-sounding Nigerian fraudster your life-savings cos you thought that it was about time you 'put something back' and helped someone who, through no fault of their own, had found themselves in a bit of an administrative pickle.

Well he's not going to 'put back' a penny of that money you gave him is he?

No he's not.  Stop crying about it.

You, however, are receiving this email because you, at one time or other/probably, entered a team in the Office Fantasy Football League.  And this is the twentieth year it's been running, don't you know.  That's a lot of wasted lunch times.

Current Champion, Manager Russell Bielby, was hoping to coincide last season's OFFL triumph with his beloved Liverpool's return to the top of the Premiership League.  How we laughed.

Current Cup Winning Manager, Guy Harewood is, at this moment, flicking through his OFFL Cup prize of a Stanley Matthews Annual thingy, wondering how on earth life had actually led him to that very moment.

Point is, the season's about to start.  And you need to get your team in, with it's cleverly hilarious name, as soon as you can.  Late entrants will start scoring on the Monday evening after their date of entry.

It's free, remember.  Free.

Usual rules apply.​

£55m, no more than 2 players from one Premiership club, etc.

Don't just sit there reading this over-elaborate pre-amble.  Get on with it.

​http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam [to download the Very Helpful Spreadsheet]

We, at OFFL HQ, will be waiting for your entry. Player PINs included please.

Oh and remember... it's a marathon, not a sprint.

On behalf of Our Most Gracious Chairman.

Week 39: Where are all the metatarsal injuries now eh?

Russell Bielby's Livercoolio win the OFFL Championship for the second time

It's not as if we didn't see it coming.  The long, slow, foreplay that has been most of this season has finally climaxed in this season-end's orgasmic crowning of the Office Fantasy Football League Champions 2013/2014, Livercoolio. Congratulations go to Mr Russell Bielby, League Champions for the second time. Interestingly, Bielby's last win was also in the last World Cup Year of 2010.  I say 'interestingly', but it isn't really.

What might be interesting is that in the last week, Dave Clayton's Pyeators II jumped two places to usurp Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters to finish as Runners Up this season. Champs for the last two years, Inter Milandrover, finish in turd.  Third.

Meanwhile the Wooden Spoon has been won in emphatic style by Mr Tom Vamos.  His It Goes To Eleven finished an impressive 99 points below penultimate place, which in itself went to one-time League leaders Mintal Institute.

OFFL Cup

And now, for the Cup denouement.

Whose front door mat will get a jolly good thwonking from the much coveted Stanley Matthews' Football Album?

Well, thanks to the midweek games before the final Premiership Sunday of the Season, it was all square in the OFFL Cup at 10 points each.  But then Saturday came...

OFFL Cup Final
--------------
FINAL SCORE

RST-Boy       20  v  40  Woolyback Returns 
Rick Beecroft            Guy Harewood

So, the Manager of the Week certificate not only goes to Guy Harewood for scoring 40 points but it also ensures that his Woolyback Returns wins the OFFL Cup Final with relative ease, doubling the points of his opponent, Rick Beecroft.  Congratulations Mr Harewood - I'm sure the England legend's Footballing Annual will receive the utmost respect up there in the Clackmannanshire Republic of Scotland.

So, for most of you, another season ends with humiliating disappointment.  A brief look back over the last 39 weeks will probably make perfect sense of it all for you.  But right now it's over.  Over and done with.  There's nothing left for you here.  Move along please.

As always, Studmarks and all the staff at OFFL HQ, would like to thank you for taking part; for absorbing the barbed comments and ritual haranguing. Next season will be the 20th year of this nonsense.  If you can stomach it, you'd probably all be welcome.

Yes, twenty years.

By the time this missive is dispatched The Chairman will have given himself up to the authorities before planning, in time for next season, his inevitable escape from whichever inadequately secured institute in which he finds himself.

Nurse yourself through the forthcoming OFFL-less weeks with the month-long World Cup.  This season's abject failure to make any impact on the OFFL campaign will be adequate preparation for the witnessing of England's expected progress.

Which reminds us... where are all the metatarsal injuries now, eh?

Roll credits.


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2014
---------------------------------------------
Livercoolio, 492 points
Russ Bielby


OFFL CUP WINNERS 2014
---------------------
Woolyback Returns
Guy Harewood


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP 2014
----------------------------------------------
Pyeators II, 465 points
Dave Clayton


OFFL CUP RUNNERS UP
-------------------
RST-Boy
Rick Beecroft


Many, many, MANY congratulations.

Worth a mention:  After a season-long battle for many to finish in the top ten, Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone sneak past Neil's Neil's Diamonds to retake tenth place.  105 points behind the Champions mind, but it's the top ten, nevertheless.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 10 492
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 22 465
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 16 461
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 12 459
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 22 452
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 27 435
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 20 421
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 40 412
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 406
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 387
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 21 386
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 17 362
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 19 354
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 24 350
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 28 337
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  4 322
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 322
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 317
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 17 314
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 25 303
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3 294
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17 272
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13 261
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 253
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 154


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    359
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