Week 20: First week's results of the OFFL Cup

As the Chairman gazed through His billowing breath at the lofty waning gibbous shining out above His hideaway, the snow fell. News came through that airports were closing all over the country. People were slipping over and roads were becoming treacherous. As a treat to Himself, He decided to choose outrage over reason as His most natural response. Someone, He raspingly ranted inside, Was To Blame. And let's face it, if we ignore the weather offering its own sole role as the reason this season, it must be the Government's fault.

Must be.

Never mind the facts that other snow-vulnerable countries like Russia, Canada and Father Christmas's very own Lapland also close their airports and roads in similar conditions. Yeah. Never mind that. After all, if He was to take that into account it would take the sting out of His cantankery. No, no, forget that, the Chairman decided to be brutishly British.

Dave Clayton, learning to spell in his favourite gay bar

It isn't his fault, at any rate. Nobody advised him to buy a shovel and a bag of salt, did they? How was he to know?

Yes.

The Chairman comforts his own lack of preparedness by blaming the Government.

And with that, he had a marvellous night's kip.

As did Sarah Bingham whose Salad Dodgers jumped up highest with Dave Clayton's Shamone Muddy Funksters - both ascend four places.

It's tense at the top with only eleven points separating the top eight teams. Malcademicals aren't looking as comfortable as they were up there. It must be the cold.

And his haemorrhoids.

The Manager of the Week certificate is to be torn in half and distributed crisp and evenly between Dave Clayton and newcomer Tom Vamos. Both their teams notched up a Christmassy 18 points. As luck would have it, they're also both in the same group in the qualifying round of the OFFL Cup, with Shamone Muddy Funksters edging the lead on Points Per Pound difference.

Is it nearly New Year already?

Week 19: Happy Christmas Again

Alas, when god was handing out the 'I love Mince Pies' badges he pinned Our Chairman's on his chest so hard that he went through to pierce the skin. He hasn't been able to take to them ever since, which only increases his penchant for railing against them at every opportunity.

So, it was with Double Chocolate Yule Log that Two Wise Men came abearing in order to convince the Chairman to let them enter their teams into the league, in time for the OFFL Cup Competition.

And so we welcome Tom Vamos and Jonathan King. No, not that Tom Vamos.

Indeed, West Vam are back in the league after a coupole of years away [in the lower leagues] newcomers, Moobchester United, await their first bit of electronic abuse.

Meanwhile, the Manager of the Week certificate is charitably doled out to Gavin Ward. His team scored a massive 6 points [snigger]. But will that sort of form be enough to see his Wardy Wanderers qualify for the next round of the cup?

You don't have to answer that right now.

Week 18: OFFL Cup First Round Group Stages Announced.

May the cupped bottom commence.  I mean Cup Battle.  Sorry.

Joint Managers of the Week are Chris Walsh and Rob Ivison who both steered their young charges, Lashings Of Cheese and All Hail The Chairman respectively, to a 17 point bounty for the week.

Meanwhile, the top of the table appears a little more compressed with only 17 points separating the top eight places. Fantasy and Reality reflecting each others' whims and wantsies.

Highest climbers are Livercoolio, up four. Lowest stoopers: Inter Milandrover, down four.

But, wait for it, more importantly...

The OFFL Cup
First Round, Weeks 20 to 22 incl.

There are four qualifying groups. The top four of each group qualifies for the second round - a straight knockout competition.

Teams have been put into groups according to this week's league table positioning, i.e. Group A consists of Fat Mal's Malcademicals [1st], Livercoolio [5th], Shamone Muddy Funksters [9th] etc etc while Group B consists of BM Mingmongs [2nd], Woolyback Town AFC [6th], etc etc.

You need to be in the top four. No more teams will be accepted after the forthcoming Monday 1730hrs deadline.

The results will be taken from the scores spanning weeks 20 to 22 inclusively.

So, you'd better get those transfers in if you want to make any sort of impact starting next week.

Good luck.

Group A
Fat Mal's Malcademicals
Livercoolio
Shamone Muddy Funksters
Marmaduke's Army
Lashings of Cheese
Just One Finger Albion
Real Mcdrid
West Vam

Group B
BM Mingmongs
Woolyback Town AFC
RS T-Boy
Moanchester Utd
Budleigh Salterton FC
Dube Stars FC
Menarepigs3

Group C
Pompey Puss
Irishpool
Stay Poyet Stay!
Nuttingham Florist
Salad Dodgers
Freddie's Dreamers
Mintal Disorder

Group D
Wymondham Wanderers
Inter Milandrover
Wardy's Wanderers
Sheep City
All Hail The Chairman
Radnorshire Tigers
Double's Utd

Week 17: It ain't over till the Fat Mally sings

Ray's exit: twice the beginning of Chelsea's demise?

As soon as Neil McConaghy mysteriously sacked his bald Second-In-Command, Ray Willikins, things started to go a bit wrong, culminating this week in the dainty Fat Malcademicals chubbily nudging the near-motionless Mingmongs off the top of the mountain by mopping up one more morsel of a point than he did this week.

Other than that, like a bunged up constipatory boiled egg unmovably rammed between the rigid wallet folds of a Scottish accountant, there's been very little movement in the league.  In fact the biggest movers are Guy Harewood [down 2 to fifth - glad to see those transfers making the difference] and Mike Smears [up 2 to eighth - the tortoise approach to Mr Hare(wood)'s sprained-ankle-while-sprinting approach, very wise].

And no, Mr Smears, you're not getting any more money - at least you have a pension.

And look at the bottom of the table...  that Rachel Jones; has she 'Double' bluffingly lulled Ms Colquhoun-Pronounced-Ka'hoon into a false or true sense of security?

Discuss.

Tis enough to make you go completely Mintal.

Manager of the Week is birthday boy [last week] Alex Blundell for his Moanchester Utd.  The Winchester Whiner scored 14 points this week.  Ah, bless him.

Week 16: Rachel is a bottom feeder

Burlesque dancer, Rachel Jones, on a Friday night [self-portrait, 2010]

Manager of the Week, AGAIN, is Russell Bielby with his Livercoolio netting a net 18 points meaning a climb-up of another three places in the league.

Nick Reed's Stay Poyet Stay! begins to plummet - down four. Big Mally, though, squeezes himself up and onto the perch that is number one in the League, alongside Niel McConaghy. He looks over at the rather annoyed Welshman before pushing his specs up his nose, slapping the boyo on the back and saying "Aw'right Neil? How have you been?", before turning away to admire the view.

As if he cares.

All Hail The Chairman

Let me start that sentence again.

All Hail The Chairman has climbed furthest this week, up four, by scoring a mighty 16 points. Meanwhile, Manager Rob is busy behind the scenes wheeling and a-dealin' in the transfer market hoping to consolidate this week's leap across the 100 point mark.

Now unshackled from the foot of the table, Mintal Disorder leaps further away from bottom-feeding Double Utd and is streaking away to safety. Minty Colquhoun's team now rest 2 points clear of Rachel Jones's.

And talking of OFFL losers, Happy Birthday to Paddy Mirams who celebrated by achieving the worst score of the week. Minus 3 points. Lovely.

Week 15: Presents, Leaving and Leaving Presents

Manager of the Week is Smasher with a ma-hoosively surprising and very large 26 points. Surprising in that the closest rival for the coveted piece of A4 certification [that doesn't really exist these days] was Guy Harewood: a full 7 points behind. This is the very same Guy Harewood who only just managed to see his outgoing transfer Glen Johnson score 6 points for him as a leaving present.

And talking of presents... it's Christmas soon. Which means OFFL Cup first round time.

[Lone and rather feeble 'whoop' at the back - thanks Kate]

Indeed, it's probably about time that we take this chance to see last year's winner receive her prize...

Kate's Cup

http://j.mp/KateCupWin

In the meantime... Inter Milandrover move up six places to fourth, Moanchester up five to fourteenth while dropping like narcoleptic flies are Pompey Puss, Stay Poyet Stay! and Nuttingham Florist [all down two]; Paddy Mirams [down three]; Livercoolio and Irishpool [both down four].

Excruciatingly, Mintal Disorder leapfrog Double's Utd to plonk Rachel Jones' team at the foot of the table.

Well, someone's got to be there. As they do at the other end of course. Yes, BM Mingmongs enjoy an 11 point lead at the top.

Carry on.

2010 OFFL Cup Award Ceremony: Look at what you could've won

The deliciously sexist Kate Wilson [left] receiving her Menarepigs Is Back team's cup prize from one of the taller OFFL Umpa Lumpas[right]

It was a hard fought battle...  Neil Jukes's Decimated Left Peg were favourites to take the trophy and may have had their manager's pending move to Australia on their tiny minds, distracting their final match preparations.

And to prove that the OFFL is truly a family friendly debâcle

In the meantime, Kate Wilson's Menarepigs Is Back had a bit of reshuffle.

And by Reshuffle, we actually mean that she swapped her entire team out for more successful replacements.

So, for the first time in OFFL history, tactics were employed to win the final contest which ended up 22 v 14 at the final whistle.

In her post match interview, Ms Wilson exclaimed

"Oh. My. God. I am quite overcome. I won."

Even little Stanley put on his cycling helmet to join in the family celebratory mosh that is the tradition in the Wilson family home.

So, congratulations Kate.  The OFFL salutes you.

2010's OFFL Cup Prize, now in its rightful place in the Wilson Household

Week 14: Livercoolio On The Up

There's this book, right, and it's a corker. A Real Page-Turner. FULL of magic and stories and tales of duty and heroism and betrayal and temptation and all that sort of fing, right, innit though and that, and, well, there's this one bit where the Irish hero - Jesus O'Nazareth or summink - tells this geezer to get out of his wheelchair and walk. Something like that anyway, I can't remember the details but it's 'mazing, mate, a-maze-zing... [fades into background]

If we replaced the star character of the New Testament with the Manager of the Week Certificate [bear with me here], which is holding out its arms to Russ Bielby [who's just had a not-funny operation] and shouting at him to "WALK, DAMN YOU, WALK!" then I think I might have got away with that bloody awful opening paragraph.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen of The OFFL, Russ is recovering from his operation and made his first few steps this week. He should be sent home soon. And he'll have the MofW Certificate to accompany the Nurses' Special Boy Certificate which he earned for eating all his greens.

Well done Russ.

Oh, and for your 30 points for Livercoolio.

Week 13: A Young Man's Game

This man earns more than you

Manager of the Week this week is the aged Mike Smears who hobbles his way up to the Fantasy Post Office to deposit his 10 points - only to find he'll be ninth in the queue for the whole week. Doesn't excuse his yelling obscenities at the traffic of people around him.

Bless his little rubber flexyfoot™ ferrules.

He's getting over-excited about the forthcoming OFFL Cup I 'spect.

Nick Reed. Minus 2. Really?

Week 12: Oh Deer.

While the Chairman mows down half the deer population in Argyle and Bute his Umpa Lumpas take great pleasure in issuing forth this most latest of Studmarks.

Pompey Puss is this week's Manager of the Week.  Coughing up a furball of 21 points - elevating the little scamp into fifth place.

And may we take this opportunity to remind OFFL Managers that the OFFL Cup is just round the corner. And yes, we are indeed still trying to source a prize, worthy enough of this season's winner.

Week 9 and 10: Normal Service Resumed

Always prepared for those
'Nodding off mid-sentence' Moments

Yes, some of you spotted that the Chairman was so tired from all his jet-setting that he actually nodded off mid-sentence last Studmarks.

Normal service has indeed resumed.

Which also means that
* Paddy Mirams' Just One Finger United plummet five places
* RS T-Boy get another Manager of the Week certificate [by scoring 18pts]
* Tom Vamos is still promising his 'interesting' team will be submitted soon
* The words 'Minty' and 'Colquhoun' nestle nicely next to 'Bottom' and 'Bent'
* Inter Milandrover climb five places after a scary foray into mid-table mediocrity.

Normal Service indeed.

Nice, though, to see Neil McConaghy enjoy his birthday in top spot. Happy Birthday sir.

The rest of you can just carry on.

Weeks 06, 07 & 08. Catching up

This week's table reflects the last three weeks of activity.  We have two joint Managers of these Weeks in the shape of Alex Bundell and Neil McConaghy, both of whom netted 45 points for their respective teams.  All transfers made were processed and backdated to the appropriate week in which they started playing for their respective teams.

Normal service shall now resume.

Probably.

Week 4 & 5

No fixtures in Week 4 so we move straight into Week 5.

Manager of the Week is Malcom Pratt with 17 Points for his Fat Mal's Malcademicals

And as the Chairman returns... Livercoolio jumps seven places and RS T-Boy moves up four. Just in time for his wedding anniversary.

Week 3: A lull in the action to commence

We have a new leader, a highest climber, a manager of the week and a someone going to Africa for a month.

And they are Guy Harewood, Edgar Rayner [up ten places], Lionel Larking [with 28 points] and The Chairman* [in search of new footballing talent, of course].

By the way - welcome to the league, Mr Smears.  The most senior amongst the managers.  We look forward to your continued underachieving and your relentless attempts at hoodwinking the Chairman into thinking you deserve some sort of age-related allowance.  Bloody good to have you back.

Oh yes, Alex Blundell has grumpily miserabled his way back into the bottom of the league.

*the OFFL HQ will be travelling with The Chairman to ensure his standard of living does not dip below 'profligate'.

Please continue to submit transfers during this down time.  Accuracy not guaranteed.

Week 2: LOOK AT ALL THEM BLOODY ZULUS

Waiting for the Zulus to finish their cups of tea

'Oh my giddy Aunt' as the Chairman's long dead Grandfather used to say.

It was an expression he often used to evince shock or disbelief, usually in a 'You've got to be Joking' kind of way. It preceded an open palm to his forehead and a disappointed shake of the noggin.

Not the best thing to hear if your little self, in shorts and sandals with an elasticated bow tie pinged around the neck, is naively predicting a proud pat on the pate for presenting him, in cupped dirty fingernailed hands, a potato. Dug from the garden after hearing him exclaim that he was hungry.

But then his grandfather never expected The Chairboy [as he was known back then] to have an over-developed awareness of language and totally disjointed logic at the age of three.

So it is of no surprise then that Our Most Gracious Chairman repeated history when he was presented, earlier today, with a Livercoolio 'potato of transfers'. Yes, by the League's current champion: Russell 'Panic Button' Bielby.

We kid you not, ladies and gentleman.

Ignoring Michael Caine's Zulu advice - to wait until he saw the whites of their eyes - Bielby has only gone and shot himself in the foot [thrice] while the 'Bloody Zulus' are still half a mile away in their trailers enjoying a cup of tea and awaiting their cue from the floor manager to cease polishing their spear tips and stitching back their cattle hide shields in order to assemble 30 metres out of shot.

Oh Mr Bielby... do we have to remind you?

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Having said that, Guy Harewood is this week's sprinter of the week, I mean manager of the week, with a very impressive 29 points - launching his promising young team of Stirling Charges into second place behind our portly pace-setter, Malcolm. Indeed, Fat Mal's Malcademicals doubles last week's waistline to 48 points.

Menarepigs3 fall dramatically, as if overcome by 'the vapours' in a Jane Austen novel, to slump down [forcing her over-elaborate peplummed bustled crinoline to billow ostentatiously] into the arms of the dashingly handsome, though sinisterly penniless, Gentleman that is Thirteenth Position.

And having gone on Forfar [Athletic] too long, we're going to flounce off, frilly cuffed, into Week 3.

Week 1: The World Cup Legacy

At the opening ceremony - photo by Steve Tierney

As with every olympiad, the world cup this year provided us with many things. 

A strong sense of Welsh national pride for one. 

Let's not forget too that we have also been blessed with the drone of 50,000 vuvuzelas still tinnitussing our every waking hour.

And after many headscratching hours trying to be cautiously prosaic in linking the drone with the Welsh this really was the best we could come up with. 

And then the deluded Welsh amongst us came up with the rest themselves, didn't you...?

Have we started yet? Are we on?

"keep your eye on the ball"

He nervously strokes back some imaginary hair behind each ear. The pad of the index finger gently taps the microphone in front of his mouth with a booming thud-thud that fills the shopping centre foyer. To needlessly reaffirm the amplification he blows his booze-befuddled breath into the semi-globed phonic mesh. Passing shoppers flinch and wince at the sound of this harsh and unnecessary tornado of white-noise being thrown forward from the powerful speakers.

He looks down the front of his waistcoat and sees a rather large skid mark of icing that had once been sitting atop a rather delicious cake which he'd launched himself into earlier that day. He frowns at it. It had been smeared into his front and was now securing tempting looking crumbs to his chest. Lifting his eyebrows he thinks that he might as well pick at these while he waited for their attention. Popping the sponge detritus into his mouth he is sure the cake tasted better this second time round.

An embarrassing amount of time passed.

He could wait no more and conceded defeat by phlegmmily clearing his throat...

Now what followed was, of course, [yes, you know it and I know it], the mad and incoherent bellowing of a man who believed he was giving great succour to the ungrateful Unwashed of the World. There was befuddled inarticulacy about rules and budgets but the delivery and demeanour was of a man who clearly believed, at the very least, that there would one day be a statue of himself, or some such plinth-based commemorative crossbow-wielding cherub, erected in his honour on a busy London park corner.

Not once did the thought that nobody really cared ever wander meaningfully through his misshapen mind to mellow his mania. Not once did he remember the scintillating apathy of the few who electronically turned up every year. And so we start this nonsense all over again.

Of course and yes... this is the official announcement of the opening of the 2010/2011 Office Fantasy Football League by our blessed and deluded Chairman.

He wants you to know that you can pick 11 players. 1 Goalkeeper, 2 Full Backs, 2 Centre Backs, 4 Midfielders and 2 Strikers. You use the Players List as your point of reference. You cannot spend more than £55m. You cannot have more the two payers from the same Premiership club in your side.

Download this spreadsheet and you can't go wrong.

Really, you can't.

Oh and a word of advice...
“It’s a marathon, not a ...oh you know it already”

Honours List

Office Fantasy Football League Champions

Livercoolio, having scored 498
managed by
Russel Bielby


Runners Up, having scored 487
RS T-Boy
managed by
Rick Beecroft


OFFL Cup Winners

Menarepigs Is Back
managed by
Kate Wilson

OFFL Cup Runners Up
Decimated Left Peg
managed by
Neil Jukes

Week 39: Game Over!

Standing too close to the referee at full-time is not the wisest thing to do. The rattled shrill of the pea in his blasted whistle is enough to make the post-match handshakes and after-game back-pats appear to happen in a tinnitus-filled opening scene to Saving Private Ryan.

Heads hang, all players trudge off the local leisure centre's rubbish pitch.

Another season has come to an end.

Another diabolical shambles of a season has come to an end.

Hang on a sec'. Where's that giggling coming from...?

Oh look. Just as the distinctive trot of metal studs scraping on concrete signifies your approach to the changing rooms you turn around and see Menarepigs Is Back and Livercoolio, hanging back, running like possessed loons round the pitch making cheering crowd noises at the bushes and holding each other's hands in the air.

Ooh, I think that's Greg Spencer running to join them in an ironic lap of honour of his own.

OFFL Cup Final

Result

Menarepigs Is Back 22 v 14 Decimated Left Peg

Thanks to the sweeping changes just before kick-off it seems that Menarepigs Is Back has pinched the cup from under the nose of fourth placed manager Neil Jukes. This is in spite of the fact that Decimated Left Peg's striker scored a hat-trick and Kate Wilson's two front men did nothing of any note whatsoever.

The Footballing Teapot is on its way to Oxford to be held aloft by Kate in a procession around Oxford United's Kassam Stadium before the play-off final against York City on Sunday. Which will be a shame because Oxford, York and every one of their fans will all be at Wembley where the game is being played.

The final Manager of the Week Certificate is shared by Ashley Keeler and Craig McHugh - both of whom steered their respective teams, Tesco Value FC and Olymping Macdrid, to a Weekly net of 26 points.

Also congratulations to Upmintster United for the valiant end-of-season push towards the top of the table. A finishing spot of Third Place, gained in the final week, is quite an achievement.

Sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed this season. The Chairman, who has already been tracked down and carted off by his 'friends' from his 'home', will be using World Cup Panini Sticker Album sticker-collecting instead of Basket-weaving this summer.

Week 38: Approaching the Last Week

The Chairman's knees are knocking in excitement. Which is, it seems, what happens at this time of season every year. It's just before he starts foaming at the mouth, body-jolting to the floor and being carted away by the boys in white lab coats for a summer of incarcerated insanity.

But not before this: the last week.

It's the OFFL Cup Final and we have four teams within 16 points of each other at the top of the table. Can Livercoolio hang on just that little bit longer? Can Upmintster United complete an amazing end-of-season burst by lunging for the line in spectacular style.

Probably not but it's worth stringing this out for just one more paragraph.

In the cup we've witnessed one of the finalists make sweeping changes in a last ditch attempt to rescue their season. And while last year's champs, Radnorshire Tigers, languish somewhere in the shady shadows of the lower league by dropping two places, lifting two places is Lovedean Academicals. Indeed, manager Danny Atkins is this week's Manager of the Week by helping his Lovedean to 15 points.

OFFL Cup Final

Menarepigs Is Back v Decimated Left Peg

So, which players will be involved?

194 P Evra FB MU v 159 S Warnock FB BLA
202 D Higginbotham FB STO v 212 V Corluka FB TOT
225 C Cuellar CB AV v 262 R Dunne CB MC
269 S Distin CB POR v 279 M Dawson CB TOT
326 D Dunn MF BLA v 358 L Osman MF EVE
362 M Arteta MF EVE v 313 A Young MF AV
354 F Lampard MF CHE v 387 S Gerrard MF LIV
530 J Defoe ST TOT v 484 D Drogba ST CHE
507 E Adebayor ST MC v 526 D Bent ST SUN

In the event of a draw Menarepigs will be crowned OFFL Cup Winners as they will have a better Points per Pound ratio.

Week 37: Decimated Left Peg to do The Double?

With only two Premiership weeks' worth of games left we have Upmintster United's manager thinking she's *All That* and grabbing yet another Manager of the Week certificate by seeing her Fourth placers nab 36 points this week. Upmintster are now a mere 20 points behind leaders Livercoolio.

Just as thrillingly, no - make that MORE thrillingly - is RS T-Boy trailing just 5 points behind the leader, his colleague. Time to state the obvious: It's tight at the top.

The Jukes of Neil is also in with a shot and could, in fact, steer his Decimated Left Peg into pulling off that elusive Double. Unless Wilson of Kate from Menarepigs Is Back gets her bitter way. As the teams stand, a draw in the final of the OFFL Cup would see her lift the trophy and take the teapot. Good job it wasn't played this week 'cos that would have been a 28 - 1 thrashing in Jukesy's favour. Ms Wilson, however, does have plenty of transfers remaining.

Ms Wilson?

Psst! Kate... Transfers.... Plenty of them...

OFFL Cup
To be played over Week 39

Menarepigs Is Back v Decimated Left Peg

Week 36: The Semi-finals of the OFFL Cup in Silence

Can you hear that? That's the sound of peaceful blue skies filled with birdsong and insectbuzz that is.

Indeed, the latest apocalypse seems to be having a rather interesting effect on the local villages surrounding Heathrow.

Ear-plug sales are down.

A portentous vision of footballing life in a few weeks, perhaps? When the season comes to an end. Only for the jumbo jet engines to roar back into action for the Summer's World Cup. And England being erupted out of it after the group stages.

With volcanic Ashley coal strewn all over the place.

Not pretty. But that probably won't stop him from sending the pictures from his phone.

And with that pathetic time-wasting attempt at building suspense...

The OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals, Results

Knievel United 7 v 9 Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back 16 v 7 Sheep City

The Juke manages to scrape his Decimated Left Peg past the Knievel and into the Final of the OFFL Cup. Congratulations also to Kate Wilson for her Menarepigs Is Back. Yes the Pigs beat the Sheep.

In order to commiserate with Sheep City we, here at the OFFL, can only recommend that you go and leave your messages of condolence here...
http://kl.am/SheepCityFBPage

Manager of the Week this week is Andy Straw. His Nuttingham Florist netted 20pts earning him that most coveted of certificates. Meanwhile, Upmintster United is still pretending to be interested in winning the League. Bless. Now only 13 pts behind third.

Tinkety Tonk.

Week 35: Modestly Boastful

Manager of the Week, Edgar Rayner, steered his Knievel United to a modestly boastful 14 points which pushes his charges on to the 300 point mark.

At last.

And as far as Upmintster United is concerned...

...surely not at this late stage.

Surely.

Week 34: that Bent bloke again

Manager of the Week is Mark Norman, manager of Arsenorm, who managed to manage a portly pull of 30 points for his team and a climb up into 18th.

Meanwhile, Decimated Left Peg has woken up and plopped themselves a point behind the second place T-Boys. Upmintster United have jumped into joint fourth! It must be that Bent bloke weaving his penalty-missing magic again.

Too late for a title challenge though, surely?

Forget Ye Not...

...Week 36...

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals

Knievel United v Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back v Sheep City

Week 33: OFFL Semi-Finals Draw and Highest Weekly Score

With the League reaching a mean score of 300 points at last [no thanks to Greg Spencer's Heroes, of course], Russ Bielby's Livercoolio finally puts some distance between themselves and Bielby's office rival, Mr Beecroft. Both managers enjoy lurching past the 400 point mark and seem to be fighting it out between themselves for the most coveted OFFL title.

Manager of the Week this week, and in need of a bit of a fillip, is Upmintster United's Minty Colquhoun who managed a staggering, season record of 47 points. This lifts and separates her into sixth place [up six] in the league behind an exhausted chasing pack of Jukes, Dube and Smasher. Jukes, of course, is still technically in with a chance of the Double.

Yeah. Right.


OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals

Knievel United v Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back v Sheep City

While Evel Knievel knew a thing or two about decimated left pegs in his time, surely the tie of the round is watching the animals slog it out. Now I like pigs. But I also like sheep. But which is better?

There's only one to find out...

[fixtures to be played in Week 36 - that's the week ending 18th April]

Week 32: OFFL Results

Manager of the Week is Sheep City's Martyn Field.  15 points.

Livercoolio and RS T-Boy now share the lead.


OFFL Results

Decimated Left Peg 14 v 5 RS T-Boy
Knievel United 12 v 7 Dube Stars
Sheep City 15 v 6 Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC 4 v 13 Menarepigs Is Back

Week 31: When will the Headlines End?

When will the headlines end?

RS T-Boy Wrestle Back Top Spot from Livercoolio.

Lounge CCTV Footage Proves Guy Harewood's Manager of the Week Winning Streak [of 30 points] Had Nothing To Do With Visit With Chairman. No Score Fiddling Committed While Chairman Dribbles Himself Asleep During Last Game on Match of the Day.

When Will Mat Tucker's Misery End?


Scooch Duo On The Coach in Channel Four's Coach Trip.


When Will Headlines End?

OFFL Cup
Quarter Finals,
To be played over this week. Week 32.

Decimated Left Peg v RS T-Boy
Knievel United v Dube Stars
Sheep City v Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC v Menarepigs Is Back

You know what's at stake.

Week 30: Jukes Chases

The Weekend's Stag, Neil Jukes, fails to make up any ground on this week's low-scoring tussle between RS T-Boy and Livercoolio at the top of the table.

Meanwhile Manager of the Week, Minty Colquhoun gets her Upmintster Utd's week's score into double figures [14pts] with only one other team [Must Murder Mojo Mainly] managing to do similar.

Highest climber is Danny Atkins whose Lovedean Academicals jump up three places into eighth. One more point to go in order to hit that 300pt landmark.

Danny used to play for Tottenham, don't you know. Had to give it up because of an inju... blah, blah, yeah, yeah we've heard it all before Gordon Ramsay, Eddie Large etc etc.

Don't forget OFFL Quarter Finalists, get your transfers in for Week 32 if you want them to help you get booted out of the competition in time.

Week 29: Derby derby

It's been a strange old week for the Real Sense boys up in Derby.

Firstly to note, and probably leastly, Lashings of Cheese's Chris Walsh has just popped a sprog, ably assisted by the club's Chief Executive, Val.

Which is nice.

For the grandparents.

From where Chris works: just past the coffee machine in the centre of the mouldy Ping Pong Table that is their hot desk, sits a child-free, sleep-happy, newly-wed called 'T-Boy' Rick who, having hogged the highest hole atop the league tree for the last few weeks, has recently been spending most of his time beaming round at his colleagues like a Special Child trying to work out how to open his mouth without choking on a Gloat.

However, the joy that belongs to both of these two OFFL managers is NOTHING compared with the joy currently whooping its way around Russ Bielby's throbbing chest. Yes, his Livercoolio has only gone and leapt into the lead at the head of the League table.

He's clearly a very proud man. As is his wife, Sarah John of Johnny's Heroes who has also just announced that she's pregnant. Yes, the father is Red Russ. Though we hear the baby will be Evertonian in colour.

There may be trouble ahead.

OFFL officials have been assured that attention to League matters will not suffer as a consequence of these shenanigans and the local water company is being investigated for allegedly adding 'something' to the water in the area.

In the meantime, hearty congratulations to all.

Neil McConaghy and Lionel Larking tear the Manager of the Week certificate down the middle in order to share the honours after both BM Mingmongs and Pompey Puss score a massive 33 points. Meanwhile Danny Atkins's Lovedean Academicals runs out of puff and drops four places.

It HAS been a funny old week.

---

If you want to import the World Cup fixture list into your personal calendar then please feel free to click here...

http://j.mp/WC2010cal

...call it a little present from the OFFL.

OFFL Cup
Quarter Finals,
To be played over Week 32.

Decimated Left Peg v RS T-Boy
Knievel United v Dube Stars
Sheep City v Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC v Menarepigs Is Back

Well, look at that. It's the clash of the Titans in Decimated Left Peg versus RS T-Boy. But will the OFFL Cup Prize be taken home by any of the other promising teams?

Matches to be played over Week 32.

Week 28: OFFL Cup 2nd Round Results

Manager of the Week this week is the hip-swivelling, microphone stand-tilting, lead singer from Loopy, Edgar Rayner. His Knievel United, notched up an impressive 23 points meaning whomever he played in the cup this week, is now out...

In the meantime, Inter Milandrover becomes the 5th 300 pointer of the season enabling the leapfrogging of BM Mingmongs into that fifth place. The gap separating Top Spot from Third is a nail biting 8 points yet, with so much of the season to go, the race is far from being won just yet.

Forget ye not: tis a marathon and NOT a sprint.

The cup, on the other hand, is a series of short term point gathering spasms. Thus enabling, believe it or not, an air of romance to permeate through this 'who's gonna win it this year' competition. Much as every annual competition could boast we suppose. Yeah. Romance of the cup. Silly thing to say. Ooh, keep your voice down, here she is... [do you think she heard]...

The OFFL Cup

Second Round Results

Sheep City 19 v 10 A God Called Fred

Wymondham Wanderers 16 v 23 Knievel United

BM Mingmongs 3 v 14 Tesco Value FC

HashaSmasha -3 v 6 Menarepigs Is Back

Arsenorm 18 v 13 Olymping Macdrid

Johnny's Heroes 7 v 11 Dube Stars

Livercoolio 15 v 17 Decimated Left Peg

Pompey Puss 3 v 6 RS T-Boy

RS T-Boy only just slip past the current Cup Holders, Pompey Puss, in a thrilling tie. Ten other teams could have defeated Rick's current table toppers had they been drawn against them. Like Wymondham Wanderers for instance who, in turn, could have defeated any of eleven other teams in that round. Alas, they were drawn against Knievel United. So their season seems to have crumbled to a nothing again. And Johnny's Heroes couldn't haul one of their mammothian weekly scores out of the bag for this week as they wither under the Dube Stars.
Etc etc.

Managers through to the next round...
Martyn Field, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Mark Norman, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft

Week 27: Twas the Week Before OFFL

Guy Harewood nabs the Manager of the Week certificate by leading his team to a respectable score of 15 points. A nice spot of form, you might say, before the cup competition this coming week.

It's just a shame that Mr Harewood's Torun Terrors were knocked out in the previous round.

Week 26: OFFL Second Round Fixtures

Well he's only gone and done it again. Unless the Umpa Lumpas have dropped another chocolate muffin in the works. But this time it's a 29 point weekly haul that is worthy a Manager of the Week certificate.

Yes, RS T-Boy extend their lead at the top of the table to 20 points by scoring his second 29 points in a row.

Three other teams have joined the T-Boys in breaking through the 300 point barrier despite losing ground on Mr Beecroft's band of merry men.

What happened to Decimated Left Peg's dominance, eh? [Sound of toilet flushing]

OFFL Cup

ROUND TWO
To be played in Week 28

Sheep City v A God Called Fred

Wymondham Wanderers v Knievel United

BM Mingmongs v Tesco Value FC

HashaSmasha v Menarepigs Is Back

Arsenorm v Olymping Macdrid

Johnny's Heroes v Dube Stars

Livercoolio v Decimated Left Peg

Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy

Martyn Field v Rob Ivison

Steve Tierney v Edgar Rayner

Neil McConaghy v Ashley Keeler

Gavin Ward v Kate Wilson

Mark Norman v Craig McHugh

Sarah John v Khumbula Dube

Russ Bielby v Neil Jukes

Lionel Larking v Rick Beecroft

Week 25: New Leader and a birthday girl

We have a new leader. Rick Beecroft shows off his knickers at the top of the table but how long can he keep them up? Decimated Left Peg has been knocked from the Number One spot before by Dube Stars; surely he won't stand for this puffed up ankle nipping again.

Torun Terrors show off their Manager of the Week this week as Guy Harewood takes the certificate [not supplied] after scoring 34 points. Massive. It should also be noted, probably, how far Johnnies Heroes have climbed over the last few weeks. Dwelling around League position twenty-five until Week 18 there seemed to be sudden change in the Sarah John's wind leading to a steady climb up to seventh.

And finally, we have a birthday in the league. Man-hating [not] Kate Wilson is $%^& years old today, congratulations Kate. May Oxford United gain promotion back into the league so that your season ticket price goes up from its current £3.50 a year to £400 a year.

Giggle, giggle.

Week 24: Cold harsh reality

It was a cold night for our Chairman's latest trip to a live proper real authentic premier league fixture. West Ham United visited Portsmouth for what ended up being a 1 - 1 draw. Easy, as it was, to be within touching distance of the panting, steamy stallions of West Ham's Mark Noble, Matthew Upson and Behrani - naked legs glistening with perspiration... it was also rather simple to be crestfallen by watching the keystone cops that were the Premiership's bottom club, Portsmouth.

No wonder the West Ham faithful were in happy voice. At least they weren't Portsmouth.

It was long after kick off that the beauty of the game and its attendees was evinced through the Hammers' chantings of 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed instantly by the entire army of Portsmouth fans jumping to their feet and repeating the line 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed by, yes, the West Ham fans standing up in return.

Our most respected Chairman had no idea that feelings ran so deeply.

In fact, He even leant over to the rodent-like proletarian, wrapped in a blue scarf and blaspheming tattoos, next to him and observed that it was remarkable how 'So You Think You Can Dance' had captured everyone's imagination.

Manager of the Week is Smasher. His non-moving Inter Milandrover notched up a respectable 23 points pushing themselves just short of the chasing pack. Livercoolio jump into second place to join Dube Stars and RS T-Boy in the hunt for Decimated Left Peg's top spot.

Greg Spencer's Heroes die another death... of minus 1.

Week 23: OFFL Cup Results - First Round

In an OFFL cup week it's always good to see some high scoring going on. Well, for most of you anyway. It's even better to see your team score much less than most and still make it through to the next round because your opponent is improbably even worse than you. [All turn to look at a blushing, head-hanging, Gavin Ward (HashaSmasha) who seems to have relied on his Points per Pound difference to squeeze past Fat Mal's Second 11].

Manager of the Week is Sarah John. Her Johnnies Heroes netted a megalarge 32 points guaranteeing her passage through to the next round. Let's see how the rest of you got on...


OFFL Cup
First Round
Results, Week 23

Sheep City 21 v 8 Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist 16 v 20 Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese 12 v 21 BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 7 v 7 HashaSmasha
Arsenorm 14 v 7 Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes 32 v 15 Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio 22 v 12 Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss 19 v 15 Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion 6 v 20 A God Called Fred
Knievel United 19 v -7 Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute 11 v 12 Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers 7 v 24 Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes 3 v 12 Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars 27 v 13 Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg 26 v 17 Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy 23 v 2 Moanchester Onionited


Congratulations to: Martyn Field, Steve Tierney, Neil McConaghy, Gavin Ward, Mark Norman, Sarah John, Russ Bielby, Lionel Larking, Rob Ivison, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Craig McHugh, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft.

Week 22: OFFL Cup Excitement

As the highly desirable Kate Wilson nurses her wounded -6 scorehaul, Big Mally rubs his belly in celebration of being this week's Manager of the Week [by steering his Fat Mal's Second 11 to a haughty 3 points]. He then takes a few moments to consider whether or not his tic tacs should be exchanged for tactics in readiness for the Cup.

With only a few hours to spare this is his, and your, last chance to get transfers in for the first round of the OFFL Cup. It's this week. And the deadline, as per usual, is the Monday of that week. That is, today at 1730hrs.

Foof.

You know what's at stake... http://j.mp/8RF07I

Indeed, it's the Walshman versus the Welshman, Pet versus Owner, Brighton fan versus Portsmouth fan, Oxford Uni employee versus Oxford Uni employee etc etc. Gosh. How terribly, terribly exciting old bean.

Good luck to one and all.

Week 21: The OFFL Draw for the First Round

Manager of the Week is Alex Blundell. His team, Moanchester Onionited, notched up an impressive 21 points pushing themselves into Twenty-first place in the league. Which means, according to last week's Studmarks, that Onionited will be facing ninth placed RS T-Boy in the first round of the OFFL Cup to be played throughout Week 23.

So, let's have a look at the fixture list for the Cup in its entirety.


OFFL Cup

All games to be played over Week 23.

ROUND ONE

Sheep City v Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist v Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese v BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 v HashaSmasha
Arsenorm v Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes v Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio v Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss v Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion v A God Called Fred
Knievel United v Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute v Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers v Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes v Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars v Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg v Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy v Moanchester Onionited

In other words...

Martyn Field v Danny Atkins
Andy Straw v Steve Tierney
Chris Walsh v Neil McConaghy
Malcolm Pratt v Gavin Ward
Mark Norman v Alun Edwards
Sarah John v Nick Borrett
Russ Bielby v Mat Tucker
Lionel Larking v Minty Colquhoun
Adrian Bradley v Rob Ivison
Edgar Rayner v Chris Brown
Nick Reed v Ashley Keeler
Dan Manns v Kate Wilson
Greg Spencer v Craig McHugh
Khumbula Dube v Smasher
Neil Jukes v Guy Harewood
Rick Beecroft v Alex Blundell

Get those Cup winning transfers in as soon as you can.