Have we started yet? Are we on?

"keep your eye on the ball"

He nervously strokes back some imaginary hair behind each ear. The pad of the index finger gently taps the microphone in front of his mouth with a booming thud-thud that fills the shopping centre foyer. To needlessly reaffirm the amplification he blows his booze-befuddled breath into the semi-globed phonic mesh. Passing shoppers flinch and wince at the sound of this harsh and unnecessary tornado of white-noise being thrown forward from the powerful speakers.

He looks down the front of his waistcoat and sees a rather large skid mark of icing that had once been sitting atop a rather delicious cake which he'd launched himself into earlier that day. He frowns at it. It had been smeared into his front and was now securing tempting looking crumbs to his chest. Lifting his eyebrows he thinks that he might as well pick at these while he waited for their attention. Popping the sponge detritus into his mouth he is sure the cake tasted better this second time round.

An embarrassing amount of time passed.

He could wait no more and conceded defeat by phlegmmily clearing his throat...

Now what followed was, of course, [yes, you know it and I know it], the mad and incoherent bellowing of a man who believed he was giving great succour to the ungrateful Unwashed of the World. There was befuddled inarticulacy about rules and budgets but the delivery and demeanour was of a man who clearly believed, at the very least, that there would one day be a statue of himself, or some such plinth-based commemorative crossbow-wielding cherub, erected in his honour on a busy London park corner.

Not once did the thought that nobody really cared ever wander meaningfully through his misshapen mind to mellow his mania. Not once did he remember the scintillating apathy of the few who electronically turned up every year. And so we start this nonsense all over again.

Of course and yes... this is the official announcement of the opening of the 2010/2011 Office Fantasy Football League by our blessed and deluded Chairman.

He wants you to know that you can pick 11 players. 1 Goalkeeper, 2 Full Backs, 2 Centre Backs, 4 Midfielders and 2 Strikers. You use the Players List as your point of reference. You cannot spend more than £55m. You cannot have more the two payers from the same Premiership club in your side.

Download this spreadsheet and you can't go wrong.

Really, you can't.

Oh and a word of advice...
“It’s a marathon, not a ...oh you know it already”