Week 20: Queen Cancels

HRH QE2: Cancelled all OFFL Engagements

When nine teams earn their respective managers a Manager of the Week certificate you know it's not a high-scoring week.

Dave Clayton, Russell Bielby, Malcolm Meaden-Pratt, Nick Borrett, Rick Beecroft, Toby Larking, Karyn Meaden-Pratt, Minty Colquhoun and Craig McHugh all tear a piece off a needlessly over-sized Manager of the Week certificate. It wasn't presented to them by a conspicuously absent HRH QE2 at a disappointing ceremony at Buckingham Palace.  3 points.  Each.

On to the Cup First Round.

============
The OFFL Cup
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Round One, Wk 21

           Pyeators  v  Toby's Gang
    It's A Snickers  v  Inter Milandrover
    Crystal Phallus  v  Absolutely Fabregas
    Neil's Diamonds  v  Starpratt Mustgo
      Guess Hughton  v  Radnorshire Tigers
    Johnny's Heroes  v  RS-TBOY
    Minty's Minions  v  Irishpool
         Sheep City  v  Epic Yellowz
  Game Of Throw Ins  v  Dowds Farm Goblins
        Shutdown FC  v  Big Girl's Blouses
 Moobchester United  v  Livercoolio
 Moanchester United  v  Roll all the dice FC
       Bourneslippy  v  The Flying Geese
     Moreton Rovers  v  Ali McMoist
 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil  v  Through to the Next Round
    The Trumpeteers  v  Through to the Next Round

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.2  3 231
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  0 198
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7  0 190
 4 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  0 190
 5 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8  3 185
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0  0 183
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.7  0 183
 8 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0  3 180
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3  3 178
10 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        55.0  3 178

Week 19: A Frosty Christmas?

Happy Christmas to Mr and Mrs Salter

What a week?!  In fact, it's been more of a weeeeeek!  And with the usual Christmas chaos breaking out all around us it's no wonder Our Most Gracious Chairman is feeling a little sore-headed.  Of course, it doesn't help matters when He can't find his extra-large-and-saggy-waisted-velcro-fastened feasting pantaloons.

And that's why there's still no sign of a Christmas bonus turning up for the OFFL HQ Umpa-Lumpas.

It appears that, like our Boxing Day toilet seat approach, we're going to have to crack-on.

Crystal Phallus have launched themselves into Third using the 'Manager Of The Week' certificate-winning trebuchet of 38 points.  Manager Guy Salter is clearly looking a bit nervous about this as he's just realised that for the first time in his marriage he is actually one step ahead of his wife, Sarah Bingbong.

That's one family's happy Christmas that's destined to remain desperately quixotic.  Studmarks salutes you.

And talking of quixotic attempts at happiness and fulfilment, Chris Walsh's Obi Wan Kenobi Nil have more than doubled their entire season's point tally by scoring 35!  It looks like he might even climb a place in the table before the year is out.  2016, eh?  A year of Unlikelinesses.

Happy Christmas everyone, may the OFFL Cup First Round prove distracting - it begins on Boxing Day.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         54.2 30 228
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 28 198
 3 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 38 190
 4 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 27 190
 5 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0 23 183
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 15 183
 7 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 34 182
 8 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 23 177
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 30 175
10 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 10 175

Week 18: Dave Clayton's Airing Cupboard is Full of Them

Dave Clayton's Airing Cupboard

In a week full of crazy league changes, one thing remains the same... Pyeators are top and extending their lead.

Yes, Dave Clayton's chaps currently enjoy a safety buffer of 28 points largely thanks to a lack of bed-linen laundry requirements. There have been so many clean sheets that the percentage of points from his defence is 27% better than the next best defensive team of Dowds Farm Goblins.

Realising, mid-yawn, that no-one in their right mind and with better things to do with their lives, is EVER NEVER EVER going to question a stat like that, we might try to pitch in a few more preposterous percentages per post perhaps.  But no more for this edition, eh?

Meanwhile, and surprisingly, Pyeators has just the seventh best attack in the League... Go on, have a gander why not?...

Points Scored from Midfielders and Strikers
-------------------------------------------

Week 18                                                 Points
PosTeam                 Manager             Value   MF   ST   Attack
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9   50   91     141
 3 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8   91   49     140
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9   91   49     140
 5 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0   76   57     133
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0   64   66     130
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6   74   53     127
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0   62   61     123
11 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8   58   62     120
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
.  .                    .                    .      .    .      .
27 Moreton Rovers       Edgar Rayner         55.0   17   38      55
28 Ali McMoist          Ali Larking          46.8   37    6      43
29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil   Chris Walsh          53.7   17    8      25
30 The Trumpeteers      Donald Trump         43.0    0    0       0

And before you bring yourself relief by finally giving in to that urge [which you've been inexplicably resisting] to press Delete on this post we must say congratulations to Karyn Meaden-Pratt for managing her Bourneslippy to a massive week's total of 27 points.  A Manager of the Week certificate would be winging its way to Ms Meaden-Pratt if they materially existed but, alas, they haven't existed since the dissolution of the RFFL.  Long story, best kept to a minimum.

Best kept to a Zero, in fact.

Move on.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 17 198
 2 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  7 170
 3 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 22 168
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  1 165
 5 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 16 163
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.0  3 160
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 16 156
 8 Bourneslippy         Karyn Meaden-Pratt   54.7 27 154
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0  5 154
10 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.7 16 152

Week 17: OFFL Cup Round One Draw

Manager of the Week this week is the mighty Neil McConaghy who picked up 26 phat points for his Neil's Diamonds who are soaring into Third.  Meanwhile the newly entered Trumpeteers sees Donald Trump sawing [through the floor] into Thirtieth with minus 1.

At the top of the table there's a bit of a gap showing between First and Second places with Dave Clayton's Pyeators outscoring Moanchester United by 8 points this week.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 22 181
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 14 164
 3 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 26 163
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.7 13 157
 5 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 17 149
 6 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 -1 147
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 12 146
 8 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3  7 142
 9 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 16 141

10 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       54.8 18 141

Week 16: Top Trumps

With the help of Mike Smears

History, they say, is written by the victorious.  And as with most snappy little epithets, the OFFL comprehensively counters with a Chris.

Yes, Obi Wan Kenobi Nil are making history after yet another week of negativity and a Week 16 point total that's never been so low for the League.  What Mr Walsh is wistfully gruntling about down there is anyone's guess but we can speculate it might be something along the lines of 'if only I could submit my team again'.  To which the OFFL rules suggest he bloody well can.  In time for the OFFL Cup?

For anyone suffering from our recent turbulent times, succour can be secured from Mike Smears' thoughts on a potential new team.  He writes...

"I think that in keeping with these desperate times, you should include a team named after Donald Trump. The team would remain at the foot of the league because, although its defence would be solid, having built a wall across the penalty area, it would be composed solely of right-wingers and be unable therefore ever to score. This would make us all feel better."

To which OFFL HQ have challenged

"if anyone can cobble together a mildly relevant 'Donald Trump' team we'd gladly enter it into this year's OFFL Cup for pure top bants and lunatic laughs cos we're crazy funny like that".

Quite.

Meanwhile, Jon King nabs another Manager of the Week certificate after honking in a massive 28 points this week, lifting his Moobs nine places into Fourteenth.

Happy Birthday to current OFFL Champions' Manager Minty Colquhoun.

Team of the Month for November is Guy Salter's Crystal Phallus.

Pos Name                Total
-----------------------------
13 Crystal Phallus        46
 1 Pyeators               45
14 Moobchester United     42
 2 Moanchester United     41
19 Radnorshire Tigers     41
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins     38
 5 Neil's Diamonds        36
 3 Absolutely Fabregas    35
16 Guess Hughton          35
 8 Johnny's Heroes        35
 .
 .
 .

25 Game Of Throw Ins      15
27 Moreton Rovers         15
15 Shutdown FC            14
24 Roll all the dice FC   13
28 Ali McMoist             5
29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil      1

COMING SOON!
The OFFL Cup.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 10 159
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 15 150
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 14 148
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 11 144
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 15 137
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 12 135
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  9 134
 8 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 14 133
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 14 132
10 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 20 125