Week 3: Sweet FA

Shivam can't believe his luck.

This week's Highest Climbers, Phillham, jumped a massive fifteen places in order to leapfrog Czech rivals Chi'Knees Czechers.  Managers Filip and Jirka will be providing the Eastern European challenge this year and, in between shifts working at the local tavern and hacking back the weeds on Our Chairman's estate, we can confirm that these staff are made of stiff stuff.

Manager of the Week this week is, once more, Shivam Mehta.

Indeed, despite knowing Sweet Football Association about the game, Shivam's Sneakers net a week's total of 39 points thus enhancing their promising opening few weeks of this season's OFFL.  And making them the most hated team in the League.

Down thirteen places is Neil Jukes' Decimated Left Peg and look at that!  Everyone look at Russia-bound Ashley Keeler. 1 point.

*Sniggerovski*

NB:
Due to Umpa Lumpa Trade Union negotiations, followed by a scouting trip to Africa, the OFFL will be suspended from 8th September to 22nd September.  The @OFFLChairman thanks you for your patience.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 39  63

 2 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 30  52

 3 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 29  49

 4 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 25  43

 5 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 19  42

 6 The WWMC               Steve Tierney       54.5 23  41

 6 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6 26  41

 8 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 21  40

 9 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 15  36

10 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1 25  35

11 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7 27  33

11 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 28  33

13 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 14  32

13 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5 17  32

13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 16  32

16 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 15  30

17 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0 17  29

17 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0 11  29

19 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2 14  27

20 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0 16  25

20 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh        55.0 11  25

20 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  6  25

23 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 13  24

24 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  7  23

25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0 18  21

26 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7 10  20

27 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9 10  19

27 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  9  19

29 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 11  13

30 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  6  12

31 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  6  11

32 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  1   9

                          Week's Average Points        16

                          Total Average Points         30

---

Week 2:

Manager of the Week Certificate gets torn in half to be Johnnily shared equally with Jon King and Sarah-Jane John.  Moobchester Utd and Johnny's Heroes notched up an Aguero/Dzeko inspired 13 points each.

Farthest faller is Nick Reed whose Stay Poyet Stay! failed to stay anywhere near their first week's placing of seventh by plummetting, with his best Wilhelm Scream, thirteen places.

Everybody look at Nick 'Wilhelm Scream' Reed.  Look at him!




T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9  6  24
 2 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 13  23
 3 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 13  22
 4 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 12  21
 5 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0  4  20
 6 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7  8  19
 6 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0 10  19
 8 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 11  18
 8 Wymondham Working Man'sSteve Tierney       54.5  4  18
 8 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 12  18
 8 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0 12  18
12 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5 10  16
12 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 10  16
14 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5 12  15
14 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6  4  15
14 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 10  15
17 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  5  13
18 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0  6  12
19 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 11  11
20 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1  1  10
20 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7  5  10
20 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  7  10
23 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  9   9
23 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0  6   9
25 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  8   8
26 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7  6   6
26 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  1   6
28 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8  5   5
28 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  5   5
30 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0  3   3
31 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 -1   2




                          Week's Average Points         7
                          Total Average Points         13
---

Week 1: A New Season Is Born

The New Season can literally be seen here, being born.

Welcome.  Welcome.  Welcome.

We'll keep this first one short shall we?  Considering we've a couple of weeks to catch up on.

So let's explain a few things...

The rules?  They can be found behind the link on the right under the word "rules".  But the first and ONLY rule you truly need to remember is that 'The Chairman is Always Right'.  Always.  Even when he's wrong.  Though he'll never be wrong.  So there.

No more questions.

As we continue the quest to inject a litte romance into the cup, the current OFFL Cup Champions' Manager, Craig McHugh, has kindly donated this season's OFFL Cup prizes - more of that later.

In the meantime, Manager of the Week is the unashamedly totally-ignorant-of-all-things 'football', Shivam Mehta.  Seriously.  He wanted to pick David Beckham.  He knows absolutely nothing.

And as much of a cruel and insane injustice as this week's League Table therefore appears, the Office Fantasy Football League Championship is a marathon, not a sprint.  So, don't rush those transfers [Mr Ivison?].  You only have twelve to last you the entire season.  Bide your time, wait till you see things a little more clearly and, sure enough, you'll be recklessly elbowing Mr Mehta out of your way in no time at all.

Seriously though and that innit and ting, Congratulations Shivam.  Enjoy it while you can.  As Yazz and her Plastic Population decided not to sing at the tail end of the 80s: the only way is down. Something Unpmintster United's manager will cringingly endorse from last year's performance [Chairman leans into view at the back, puts his swanny whistle to his lips and slides from high note to low note].

A BIT OF HOUSEKEEPING
The weekly email update, Studmarks, should be read in a proportional font [like Courier New 10 for example] so that the league table lines up all nice 'n' purdy.

Studmarks will usually consist of the following...

1. The League Table - useful for you to find out how poorly your team is doing against everyone else
2. A pointless bit of banterous drivel [if you're unlucky] that can easily be skipped past
3. Transfers and Stuff - useful if you want to see how the other managers are scuppering their chances
4. The Teams - useful to know if you want to see which of your defenders is on -17 and which of your strikers has failed to get off the mark
5. The Rules - useful, useful
6. The Players List - useful to see which players you should transfer into your team [just before they get injured for six months]
7. Who the hell does Shivam Mehta think he is?!  Coming over to our league and taking all our top spots?

Overall and just like the manager of Vonder Bramen, it's all exasperatingly simple.

No, really it is.

If Francis 'Senior Moment' Fox can do it, so can you.

I shall leave you all with our motto.  Useful as a calming mantra when things go distressingly awry with your team's performances....

  "It's a marathon, not a sprint"

Editor of Studmarks
On behalf of The Chairman

PS
If you're receiving this email by mistake then let the helpdesk at Studmarks HQ know [Studmarks@gmail.com].  So we can laugh in your face and make you pick a team to join us.

Follow us at The Back of the 'Net here: http://offl.littlesmasher.com
Follow the Official OFFL twitter feed:  http://twitter.com/OFFL
Comment away on the OFFL Facebook Page: http://j.mp/FB-OFFL


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 18  18
 2 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 16  16
 3 Wymondham Working Man'sSteve Tierney       54.5 14  14
 4 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6 11  11
 4 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 11  11
 6 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 10  10
 7 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1  9   9
 7 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6  9   9
 7 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7  9   9
 7 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  9   9
11 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  8   8
12 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1  7   7
13 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        49.3  6   6
13 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  6   6
13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0  6   6
13 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0  6   6
13 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0  6   6
18 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7  5   5
18 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0  5   5
18 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  5   5
21 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4  3   3
21 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5  3   3
21 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  3   3
21 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0  3   3
25 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 18   0
25 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7  9   0
25 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  0   0
25 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 11   0
25 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  8   0
25 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  6   0
25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0  9   0




                          Week's Average Points         8
                          Total Average Points          6
---

Week 41: Another season passes into history

The 2010/2011 OFF Champions: Pompey Puss

The OFFL Champions 2010/2011
Pompey Puss
Lionel Larking with 422 pts


The OFFL Cup Final 2011

Real McDrid  9 v 5  Sheep City
Craig McHugh        Martyn field


Weeping in his hospital bed, desperately trying to get the use of his legs back, is Sheep City's most revered citizen - Martyn Field.  It's unlikely that this abrupt and unsatisfying end to his season will make much of a splash in his rather readable blog about his attempt to recover from POEMS syndrome [http://martynsthoughtsonitall.blogspot.com] - A cold stark reminder, I'm sure you'll agree, that we should all keep things in perspective: I mean, who needs a white blood cell count anyway when there's the glory of OFFL to pursue?


Craig McHugh's victory-cum-gloat parade will take place outside his chip shop in Surbiton in his open-topped Citroen CV [well, the roof will be rolled back at the very least].

Craig wins the glorious statuette of Fabio Capello circa 2010.  Like Colleen McLoughlin, Martyn consoles himself with the highly paid Wayne Rooney.

Meanwhile, Neil McConaghy attempts to draw the fire from the fact that his BM Mingmongs failed to come anywhere near their season of 2007/2008 by playing the 'Doing Something For Charity Card' [see below].  Yeah, yeah.

Sheep and the City:  Martyn's getting better.

But look.  Over there, on a hot tin roof.  A feline silhouette bouncing up and down with the gleeful chaotic spasms of a Jedward Eurovision performance.  Lionel Larking, forgetting his limping left leg and who only joined the competition to 'make up the numbers', is completely cat-a-hoop.  He has finally added the Office Fantasy Football League Championship Title to the OFFL Cup that he won last year.  And by a mere 5 points from Guy Harewood's Woolyback Town AFC too, who, in turn, can at least look back on the success of 2005/2006 for comfort when they too once lifted the trophy.

Alex Blundell is our final Manager of the Week as his team of no-hopers, Moanchester Utd, nipped in with 21 points lifting themselves two positions and cementing a final fifteenth place.  Yawn.

Malcolm Pratt's Fat Malcademicals completed their Arsenal parody by falling to fourth in the table after being unable to keep in touch with the leaders.  He will have to address the blunt 'Fancy Dan' play and the 'La-di-dah' passing game that leads his players to try walking the ball balletically into the net all the time.  A team whose performances are very much in their manager's own style.

Just One Finger Albion finished off the season with the traditional negative score while West Vam spluttered across the 200 point mark to claim the wooden spoon.  Meanwhile, Moobchester United managed to rise above the 'Total & Complete Dross' by finishing twenty-sixth as Bielby's Livercoolio reached for the line to finish third.  Congratulations to all on yet another fine season without fines.  [Mmm, the Chairman really must do something about that].

And talking of the Chairman, he's standing unopposed for re-election amid the usual allegations of impropriety.  Don't worry, you don't have to do nor understand anything.  Just turn up again next season and tell him how wonderful he his.  Next Year's OFFL Cup, for instance, will be hosted by Rob Ivison's 'All Hail The Chairman'.  Can't think why.

So, assuming the Chairman manages his annual pre-season escape from the clinic, we'll see you in August.

Have a happy Summer.

You're all rather wonderful.

The Studmarks Team
OFFL HQ
T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking      55.0  8 422
 2 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  5 417
 3 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.9 14 414
 4 Fat Mal's MalcademicalsMalcolm Pratt       52.8  7 409
 4 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           53.0 15 409
 6 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      52.4  6 393
 7 Budleigh Salterton FC  Ashley Keeler       54.6  3 383
 8 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        53.3 14 381
 9 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             53.7 11 375
10 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         54.9 18 356
11 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.6 10 350
12 Marmaduke's Army       Edgar Rayner        54.9 10 344
13 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0  5 340
14 Salad Dodgers          Sarah Bingham       53.5  6 336
15 Moanchester Utd        Alex Blundell       55.0 21 334
16 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        53.1  9 322
17 Dube Stars FC          Khumbula Dube       54.1 15 319
18 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.9  5 318
19 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          52.2  6 314
20 Irishpool              Mike Smears         52.3  4 305
20 Wymondham Wanderers    Steve Tierney       52.7  5 305
22 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         53.5  1 294
23 Nuttingham Florist     Andy Straw          52.2  2 283
24 Menarepigs3            Kate Wilson         54.2  1 266
25 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        52.9  1 261
26 Moobchester United     Jonathan King       54.9 12 244
27 Just One Finger Albion Paddy Mirams        54.2 -2 236
28 Double's Utd           Rachel Jones        54.4  1 225
29 Mintal Disorder        Minty Colquhoun     52.7  9 214
30 West Vam               Tom Vamos           54.8 14 202




                          Week's Average Points         7
                          Total Average Points        325

Week 40: 2 TEAMS, 2 POINTS, 2 DIFFERENCES.

It's that time of year again

Unbelievably, there are just 2 points separating First from Second in the league table, Pompey Puss and Woolyback Town AFC respectively.

Yes, 2 points.

Those 2 points will be fought over in the last week of the OFFL Championship by just 2 team positions.

FB: Leighton Baines EVE v Glen Johnson LIV
MF:       Dirk Kuyt LIV v Robin Van Der Vaart TOT

Forty weeks of scoring, of climbing up and down the League Table, of winning Manager of the Week Certificates, of trying to resist the temptation to create a junk mail filter for this weekly email... and it comes down to this.

The marathon has turned into a sprint.

This is as exciting as it's going to get.

[For this year, at any rate]

Meanwhile, Malcademicals failed to take advantage of the week to keep up the pressure and now look like 'doing an Arsenal' - dropping to fourth - as Russell Bielby's Livercoolio's week's score of 19 take them right up onto the Pratt's shoulder.

Manager of the Week, the penultimate week, is Ashley Keeler of Budleigh Salterton FC. He steered his seventh place team to a week's haul of 26 points, jumping two places into an unlikely seventh. Scant consolation for his failure to lead his team out onto the Wemmbley-Hogg turf. Scant consolation for us also as we were hoping to legitimately use that gag ages ago. [Wemmbley-Hogg? Budleigh Salterton? - Someone google it]

Mintal Disorder finally leaps past the 200 point mark and looks safe from her seemingly destined wooden spoon award as Tom Vamos takes occupancy of her bottom slot.

Cough.

And so...

The OFFL Cup Final

       REAL MCDRID  v  SHEEP CITY

      Craig McHugh     Martyn Field

And fighting it out for the OFFL Cup for these two teams are...

FB J O'Shea     MU  v  G Clichy    ARS 

FB P Bardsley  SUN  v  L Ridgewell BIR 

CB M Skrtel    LIV  v  D Shittu    BOL

CB B Hangeland FUL  v  R Shawcross STO 

MF F Malouda   CHE  v  F Lampard   CHE 

MF T Walcott   ARS  v  A Young      AV 

MF K Nolan     NEW  v  R Giggs      MU 

ST J Hernandez  MU  v  D Berbatov   MU 

Guaranteed to be more exciting than the Man City Stoke City bore-a-thon.

Enjoy the last week folks.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking      55.0  2 414
 2 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  4 412
 3 Fat Mal's MalcademicalsMalcolm Pratt       52.8  9 402
 4 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.9 19 400
 5 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           53.0 20 394
 6 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      52.4  9 387
 7 Budleigh Salterton FC  Ashley Keeler       54.6 26 380
 8 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        53.3  6 367
 9 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             53.7  2 364
10 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.6  1 340
11 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         54.9 15 338
12 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0  7 335
13 Marmaduke's Army       Edgar Rayner        54.9  2 334
14 Salad Dodgers          Sarah Bingham       53.5  0 330
15 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        53.1  6 313
15 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.9  3 313
15 Moanchester Utd        Alex Blundell       55.0  6 313
18 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          52.2  5 308
19 Dube Stars FC          Khumbula Dube       54.1  6 304
20 Irishpool              Mike Smears         52.3  3 301
21 Wymondham Wanderers    Steve Tierney       52.7  0 300
22 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         53.5  4 293
23 Nuttingham Florist     Andy Straw          52.2  4 281
24 Menarepigs3            Kate Wilson         54.2 13 265
25 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        52.9  3 260
26 Just One Finger Albion Paddy Mirams        54.2  8 238
27 Moobchester United     Jonathan King       54.9 18 232
28 Double's Utd           Rachel Jones        54.4  8 224
29 Mintal Disorder        Minty Colquhoun     52.7  6 205
30 West Vam               Tom Vamos           54.8  6 188




                          Week's Average Points         7
                          Total Average Points        317