Week 5, 6 & 7: The Circle of Life

And reminding us of the circle of life...
Large congratulations to Rick 'RS T-Baby' Beecroft who has managed to sire a daughter.  Her middle name is not, more's the pity, 'Necessary On Bicycle?'.  Welcome Isabel to Lord Beeky's world.

Is it though?

You'll get used to it eventually.

Rising highest, up nine, is Jirka 'Call Me George' Opatrny's Chi'Knees Czechers while falling furthest, eleven places to be exact, is Minty's Upmintster United.

Manager of the 'Week' is Sarah Bingham who managed to steer her Norma Snockers to a wobblingly large total of 58 points.  This does, actually, lift and seperate her to the top of the table, knocking Mr Mehta of his *ing perch.

Not quite sure what a *ing perch is exactly but there we go...

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       53.8 58  99

 2 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 28  91

 3 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 45  88

 4 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 41  83

 5 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 30  82

 6 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 48  80

 7 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          51.7 38  70

 7 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 21  70

 9 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0 40  69

10 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2 41  68

11 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 29  65

12 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1 29  64

12 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      54.2 35  64

12 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0 39  64

15 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 23  63

16 The WWMC               Steve Tierney       54.2 18  59

16 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0 34  59

18 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh        55.0 33  58

19 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 33  57

20 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7 19  52

20 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 19  52

22 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 21  51

23 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.8 26  46

24 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 13  45

25 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9 33  44

26 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9 23  42

26 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0 30  42

28 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 27  40

29 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9 19  38

30 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0 16  37

31 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.8 27  36

32 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  6  29

33 Irishpool              Mike Smears         54.5 19  19

34 Moanchester            Alex Blundell       54.8 31  15

34 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking      55.0 15  15

                          Week's Average Points        28

                          Total Average Points         55

Week 4: Tumbleweed

You get weeks like this every once in a while.  Nothing scored by anyone.  Not a thing.

What's different about this week, however, is the number of real life transfers and player loans in the real Premiership world of reality.  No, really.  There were loads of them.  Might be worth checking out the Players List if you're getting twitchy about your current line up.  @RobIvison?

Forget ye not, any player already registered as playing for a club at the beginning of the season must stay allocated to that Premiership team.  Nasri, for example: he'll be listed as an Arsenal player all season.  Despite the fact that he'll be scoring hatfulls of goals for Manchester City.

Imagine the administrative nightmare were it not this way.  Hmm.  Well?

[Musical Interlude while imaginations start clunking into action]

[Sound of panting and wheezing drowns out Interlude Music]

Anyway, this may alter your tactics.  You can now enjoy a midfield of Silva MC, Barry MC and Nasri ARS.  All of them actually playing for Manchester City.

In the meantime, instead of befuzzling our older managers, like Mr Mike Smears for example, what we could do is have a pointless perusal at how popular your purchased platoon of players are...


Player Popularity
PIN Name       Team Freq
------------------------
383   Nani      MU   14
520 W Rooney    MU   12
120 J Hart      MC   11
164 L Baines    EVE  11
509 L Suarez    LIV  10
161 A Cole      CHE   9
239 B Hangeland FUL   8
363 D Kuyt      LIV   8
237 P Jagielka  EVE   8
487 D Bent      AV    7
247 V Kompany   MC    7
357 C Adam      LIV   7
337 F Malouda   CHE   7
.
.

This leads us to wonder which team is the most 'popular' team in our league. 

Ug?

Yes, which manager has picked the prevalently popular players?

We can work this out by giving every player a score according to how many times they appear in the League's teams.  In other words, Nani gets a weighting of 14, Rooney 12, Hart 11, Baines 11 etc etc [see above table].  We then look at each team and add up the weightings for their players.

You know it makes sense...

Teams with the Most Popular Players Table

-----------------------------------------

                                            Value PointsPopular

#  Team                  Manager            (GBPm)  Tot Rating

--------------------------------------------------------------

 2 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John    54.60  52   93

 6 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham      54.60  41   86

30 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox        55.00  12   80

17 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby     55.00  29   79

 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta       54.90  63   78

 9 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft      54.70  36   78

20 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh       55.00  25   77

 3 Inter Milandrover      Smasher            55.00  49   76

19 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner       54.20  27   76

26 Double's United        Rachel Jones       54.80  20   75

27 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood       54.90  19   75

11 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský    54.80  33   74

20 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes         55.00  25   73

 8 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt      54.70  40   72

20 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton       55.00  25   71

 4 Sheep City             Martyn Field       55.00  43   70

33 Irishpool              Mike Smears        54.50   0   70

 6 The WWMC               Steve Tierney      54.20  41   68

10 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed          52.10  35   67

13 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun    54.10  32   63

13 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison         51.70  32   63

13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny      55.00  32   63

17 Poyekhali              Lester Clark       55.00  29   63

27 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh        54.90  19   63

11 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers       53.70  33   60

33 Pompey Puss            Lionel Larking     55.00   0   60

 5 Moobchester United     Jon King           54.20  42   59

32 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler      54.80   9   58

16 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy     55.00  30   56

29 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards       54.40  13   53

23 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge    49.50  24   51

31 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro54.90  11   51

25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns          55.00  21   39

24 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward         54.50  23   38

I don't quite know what we can conclude from that but we can claim that Johnny's Heroes is the most popular team.  Congratulations?  And Wardy's Wanderers is the most unique.  Congratulations also?  

I think.  

You make up your own mind.

Time to go.

By order of the omnipotent @OFFLChairman, the @OFFL is suspended for the next two full weeks.  @Studmarks will be back and posting after the 23rd September.

You bunch of right little smashers.

Week 3: Sweet FA

Shivam can't believe his luck.

This week's Highest Climbers, Phillham, jumped a massive fifteen places in order to leapfrog Czech rivals Chi'Knees Czechers.  Managers Filip and Jirka will be providing the Eastern European challenge this year and, in between shifts working at the local tavern and hacking back the weeds on Our Chairman's estate, we can confirm that these staff are made of stiff stuff.

Manager of the Week this week is, once more, Shivam Mehta.

Indeed, despite knowing Sweet Football Association about the game, Shivam's Sneakers net a week's total of 39 points thus enhancing their promising opening few weeks of this season's OFFL.  And making them the most hated team in the League.

Down thirteen places is Neil Jukes' Decimated Left Peg and look at that!  Everyone look at Russia-bound Ashley Keeler. 1 point.

*Sniggerovski*

NB:
Due to Umpa Lumpa Trade Union negotiations, followed by a scouting trip to Africa, the OFFL will be suspended from 8th September to 22nd September.  The @OFFLChairman thanks you for your patience.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 39  63

 2 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 30  52

 3 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 29  49

 4 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 25  43

 5 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 19  42

 6 The WWMC               Steve Tierney       54.5 23  41

 6 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6 26  41

 8 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 21  40

 9 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 15  36

10 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1 25  35

11 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7 27  33

11 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 28  33

13 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 14  32

13 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5 17  32

13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 16  32

16 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 15  30

17 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0 17  29

17 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0 11  29

19 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2 14  27

20 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0 16  25

20 Real McDrid            Craig McHugh        55.0 11  25

20 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  6  25

23 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 13  24

24 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  7  23

25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0 18  21

26 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7 10  20

27 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9 10  19

27 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  9  19

29 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 11  13

30 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  6  12

31 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  6  11

32 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  1   9

                          Week's Average Points        16

                          Total Average Points         30

---

Week 2:

Manager of the Week Certificate gets torn in half to be Johnnily shared equally with Jon King and Sarah-Jane John.  Moobchester Utd and Johnny's Heroes notched up an Aguero/Dzeko inspired 13 points each.

Farthest faller is Nick Reed whose Stay Poyet Stay! failed to stay anywhere near their first week's placing of seventh by plummetting, with his best Wilhelm Scream, thirteen places.

Everybody look at Nick 'Wilhelm Scream' Reed.  Look at him!




T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9  6  24
 2 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 13  23
 3 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6 13  22
 4 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7 12  21
 5 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0  4  20
 6 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7  8  19
 6 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0 10  19
 8 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1 11  18
 8 Wymondham Working Man'sSteve Tierney       54.5  4  18
 8 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0 12  18
 8 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0 12  18
12 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5 10  16
12 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0 10  16
14 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5 12  15
14 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6  4  15
14 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0 10  15
17 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  5  13
18 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        55.0  6  12
19 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 11  11
20 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1  1  10
20 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7  5  10
20 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  7  10
23 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  9   9
23 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0  6   9
25 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  8   8
26 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7  6   6
26 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  1   6
28 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8  5   5
28 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  5   5
30 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0  3   3
31 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4 -1   2




                          Week's Average Points         7
                          Total Average Points         13
---

Week 1: A New Season Is Born

The New Season can literally be seen here, being born.

Welcome.  Welcome.  Welcome.

We'll keep this first one short shall we?  Considering we've a couple of weeks to catch up on.

So let's explain a few things...

The rules?  They can be found behind the link on the right under the word "rules".  But the first and ONLY rule you truly need to remember is that 'The Chairman is Always Right'.  Always.  Even when he's wrong.  Though he'll never be wrong.  So there.

No more questions.

As we continue the quest to inject a litte romance into the cup, the current OFFL Cup Champions' Manager, Craig McHugh, has kindly donated this season's OFFL Cup prizes - more of that later.

In the meantime, Manager of the Week is the unashamedly totally-ignorant-of-all-things 'football', Shivam Mehta.  Seriously.  He wanted to pick David Beckham.  He knows absolutely nothing.

And as much of a cruel and insane injustice as this week's League Table therefore appears, the Office Fantasy Football League Championship is a marathon, not a sprint.  So, don't rush those transfers [Mr Ivison?].  You only have twelve to last you the entire season.  Bide your time, wait till you see things a little more clearly and, sure enough, you'll be recklessly elbowing Mr Mehta out of your way in no time at all.

Seriously though and that innit and ting, Congratulations Shivam.  Enjoy it while you can.  As Yazz and her Plastic Population decided not to sing at the tail end of the 80s: the only way is down. Something Unpmintster United's manager will cringingly endorse from last year's performance [Chairman leans into view at the back, puts his swanny whistle to his lips and slides from high note to low note].

A BIT OF HOUSEKEEPING
The weekly email update, Studmarks, should be read in a proportional font [like Courier New 10 for example] so that the league table lines up all nice 'n' purdy.

Studmarks will usually consist of the following...

1. The League Table - useful for you to find out how poorly your team is doing against everyone else
2. A pointless bit of banterous drivel [if you're unlucky] that can easily be skipped past
3. Transfers and Stuff - useful if you want to see how the other managers are scuppering their chances
4. The Teams - useful to know if you want to see which of your defenders is on -17 and which of your strikers has failed to get off the mark
5. The Rules - useful, useful
6. The Players List - useful to see which players you should transfer into your team [just before they get injured for six months]
7. Who the hell does Shivam Mehta think he is?!  Coming over to our league and taking all our top spots?

Overall and just like the manager of Vonder Bramen, it's all exasperatingly simple.

No, really it is.

If Francis 'Senior Moment' Fox can do it, so can you.

I shall leave you all with our motto.  Useful as a calming mantra when things go distressingly awry with your team's performances....

  "It's a marathon, not a sprint"

Editor of Studmarks
On behalf of The Chairman

PS
If you're receiving this email by mistake then let the helpdesk at Studmarks HQ know [Studmarks@gmail.com].  So we can laugh in your face and make you pick a team to join us.

Follow us at The Back of the 'Net here: http://offl.littlesmasher.com
Follow the Official OFFL twitter feed:  http://twitter.com/OFFL
Comment away on the OFFL Facebook Page: http://j.mp/FB-OFFL


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Shivam's Sneakers      Shivam Mehta        54.9 18  18
 2 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             55.0 16  16
 3 Wymondham Working Man'sSteve Tierney       54.5 14  14
 4 Norma Snockers FC      Sarah Bingham       54.6 11  11
 4 Big Mally              Malcolm Pratt       54.7 11  11
 6 Moobchester United     Jon King            54.2 10  10
 7 Stay Poyet Stay!       Nick Reed           52.1  9   9
 7 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah-Jane John     54.6  9   9
 7 RS T-Boy               Rick Beecroft       54.7  9   9
 7 Decimated Left Peg     Neil Jukes          55.0  9   9
11 Moreton United         Edgar Rayner        54.2  8   8
12 Upmintster United      Minty Colquhoun     54.1  7   7
13 Poyekhali              Lester Clark        49.3  6   6
13 Wardy's Wanderers      Gavin Ward          54.5  6   6
13 Chi'Knees Czechers     Jirka Opatrny       55.0  6   6
13 Sheep City             Martyn Field        55.0  6   6
13 Livercoolio            Russell Bielby      55.0  6   6
18 Double's United        Rachel Jones        54.7  5   5
18 BM Mingmongs           Neil McConaghy      55.0  5   5
18 Freddie's Dreamers     Francis Fox         55.0  5   5
21 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        54.4  3   3
21 All Hail The Chairman  Rob Ivison          54.5  3   3
21 Woolyback Town AFC     Guy Harewood        54.9  3   3
21 Shamone Muddy FunkstersDave Clayton        55.0  3   3
25 Vonder Bramen          Alan Betteridge     49.5 18   0
25 Pathetic Athletic      Mark Weavers        53.7  9   0
25 It's A Snickers        Ashley Keeler       54.2  0   0
25 Phillham               Filip Vejdovský     54.8 11   0
25 Lashings of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  8   0
25 ADFC                   Adriana Chittelboro 54.9  6   0
25 Real Mannsdid          Dan Manns           55.0  9   0




                          Week's Average Points         8
                          Total Average Points          6
---