Week 02: Mock not. Yet.

The Umpa-Lumpas receive Mr Smears' transfer request at
OFFL HQ in the first week.

Senility is not something to mock.  So we'll just let Mike Smears' Week 1 transfer request speak for itself while allowing it to quietly open up the floodgates for all the other trigger-happy managers out there. Though, to be fair, if Irishpool win the League after this it may go down as a stupendous masterstroke.

Generally, Mr Smears' Fantasy Football team management genius has been well hidden up till now so we'll just move along from the opening paragraph.  There's nothing to see here [yet].

Manager of the Week this week is, again, not Mike Smears who didn't score 20 points for his team, unlike ninth-placed Moobchester United's Jon King who IS manager of the week for doing precisely that.  Congratulations Mr King.

In the meantime, more teams have joined us making the Most Popular Players List look a little bit like this {see table below].  Of course, as mindless panic-driven transfers continue to pelt down upon us this list will evolve.

PIN     Surname           Club Value  Count
-------------------------------------------
402 MF  R Sterling        LIV    4.6   11
263 CB  D Lovren          LIV    3.8   10
322 MF  A Ramsey          ARS    5.0   10
531 ST  D Costa           CHE    7.5    9
413 MF  Y Toure           MC     6.4    8
171 FB  S Coleman         EVE    4.5    7
559 ST  W Rooney          MU     7.8    7
143 GK  H Lloris          TOT    3.8    5
341 MF  C Fabregas        CHE    5.6    6
423 MF  J Mata            MU     5.4    6
560 ST  R van Persie      MU     8.4    6
188 FB  P Zabaleta        MC     4.9    5
487 MF  G Sigurdsson      SWA    4.0    5
108 GK  P Cech            CHE    4.4    4
114 GK  T Howard          EVE    4.0    4
150 FB  M Debuchy         ARS    4.5    4
199 FB  C Chambers        ARS    3.6    4
159 FB  K Richardson      AV     3.5    4
166 FB  B Ivanovic        CHE    4.9    4
214 FB  B Davies          TOT    3.5    4
399 MF  A Lallana         LIV    4.5    4
519 ST  A Sanchez         ARS    7.4    4
540 ST  S Naismith        EVE    5.9    4
.
.

By the way, Our Most Gracious Chairman would like us to point out that 'tapping up' the Chairman for insider information on the arrival of new players will NOT be tolerated.  Balotelli, Bielby, need I say more?  Is that a Point Fine we can feel coming on?

-

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.8 19  35
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 15  30
 3 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.1 13  28
 4 Moanchester Disunited      Alex Blundell   52.1 17  25
 5 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 15  25
 6 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     54.8 13  24
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6 12  23
 8 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.6 10  23
 9 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.5 20  21
10 Didcot Rovers              Edgar Rayner    55.0 13  21

Week 01: Paws, Pause, Pours

Other ways to watch the TV in your favourite lycra listening to your iPod.

Apart from playing their part in many an amusing cat video there is no real need for running machines to actually exist in our lives, let's face it.  There are plenty of other ways to watch the TV in your favourite lycra while standing up listening to your iPod.

And very much like a running machine so the OFFL treadmill finds itself in existence.

[We shall now pause for you to flick through your own images of stumbling padding pussy paws while we awkwardly wait for the OFFL metaphor rain to stop pouring on the opening couple of paragraphs of this Week's Studmarks. Let's hoist an umbrella and get down to business, shall we?]

And like needless running machines there is certainly no need to point out the bleedin' obvious (but we're going to anyway) in that the Manager of the Week this week is Alun Edwards for managing his Radnorshire Tigers to a first week's table-topping tally of 16 points. Let's see if the Tigers can keep this up unlike Minty Colquhoun's early lead last season...

*Swanny Whistle Down*

Amid such farce we welcome some old faces back to OFFL20.  Not least Pete "Mr Loverman" Braithwaite who was part of the league when it was the RFFL, many years ago, but also we say hello [in the style of Mr Tumble] to OFFL Virgins Stanley Wilson and Mandy Noble.  And while their two ages bring the OFFL Manager average down to about 15 years, the returning Mr Smears ensures it climbs back up to nearer the usual 65 years.

In the meantime, let's have a look at the most popular players picked so far in the league.

PIN     Surname           Club Value  Count
-------------------------------------------
263 CB  D Lovren          LIV    3.8    8
402 MF  R Sterling        LIV    4.6    7
413 MF  Y Toure           MC     6.4    7
531 ST  D Costa           CHE    7.5    7
171 FB  S Coleman         EVE    4.5    6
322 MF  A Ramsey          ARS    5.0    6
559 ST  W Rooney          MU     7.8    6
341 MF  C Fabregas        CHE    5.6    5
423 MF  J Mata            MU     5.4    5
114 GK  T Howard          EVE    4.0    4
143 GK  H Lloris          TOT    3.8    4
199 FB  C Chambers        ARS    3.6    4
159 FB  K Richardson      AV     3.5    4
188 FB  P Zabaleta        MC     4.9    4
399 MF  A Lallana         LIV    4.5    4
519 ST  A Sanchez         ARS    7.4    4
560 ST  R van Persie      MU     8.4    4

Enough of this nonsense.  It's Week 1.  Welcome back.  Get on with it.

PS
No mention of the World Cup so far eh?

PPS
D'Oh!


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    54.8 16  16
 2 Botley Yellow              Stanley Wilson  49.1 15  15
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 15  15
 4 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 13  13
 5 Blet Satters Mad Hatters   Gavin Ward      54.6 11  11
 6 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     55.0 11  11
 7 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.9 10  10
 8 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 10  10
 9 Pedro's Plodders           Pete Braithwait 46.7  8   8
10 Moanchester Disunited      Alex Blundell   52.1  8   8

Deadlines, deadlines.

If you want to earn the scores from this weekend then get your team in before 1500hrs tomorrow.  Otherwise, get your team in before Monday 1730hrs in order to get the scores from the following weekend.

Week 00: It Was 20 Years Ago

To say that there's nothing worse than receiving unsolicited email about something you have absolutely no interest in whatsoever is ignoring other, far far worse, experiences.

Like giving that nice-sounding Nigerian fraudster your life-savings cos you thought that it was about time you 'put something back' and helped someone who, through no fault of their own, had found themselves in a bit of an administrative pickle.

Well he's not going to 'put back' a penny of that money you gave him is he?

No he's not.  Stop crying about it.

You, however, are receiving this email because you, at one time or other/probably, entered a team in the Office Fantasy Football League.  And this is the twentieth year it's been running, don't you know.  That's a lot of wasted lunch times.

Current Champion, Manager Russell Bielby, was hoping to coincide last season's OFFL triumph with his beloved Liverpool's return to the top of the Premiership League.  How we laughed.

Current Cup Winning Manager, Guy Harewood is, at this moment, flicking through his OFFL Cup prize of a Stanley Matthews Annual thingy, wondering how on earth life had actually led him to that very moment.

Point is, the season's about to start.  And you need to get your team in, with it's cleverly hilarious name, as soon as you can.  Late entrants will start scoring on the Monday evening after their date of entry.

It's free, remember.  Free.

Usual rules apply.​

£55m, no more than 2 players from one Premiership club, etc.

Don't just sit there reading this over-elaborate pre-amble.  Get on with it.

​http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam [to download the Very Helpful Spreadsheet]

We, at OFFL HQ, will be waiting for your entry. Player PINs included please.

Oh and remember... it's a marathon, not a sprint.

On behalf of Our Most Gracious Chairman.

Week 39: Where are all the metatarsal injuries now eh?

Russell Bielby's Livercoolio win the OFFL Championship for the second time

It's not as if we didn't see it coming.  The long, slow, foreplay that has been most of this season has finally climaxed in this season-end's orgasmic crowning of the Office Fantasy Football League Champions 2013/2014, Livercoolio. Congratulations go to Mr Russell Bielby, League Champions for the second time. Interestingly, Bielby's last win was also in the last World Cup Year of 2010.  I say 'interestingly', but it isn't really.

What might be interesting is that in the last week, Dave Clayton's Pyeators II jumped two places to usurp Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters to finish as Runners Up this season. Champs for the last two years, Inter Milandrover, finish in turd.  Third.

Meanwhile the Wooden Spoon has been won in emphatic style by Mr Tom Vamos.  His It Goes To Eleven finished an impressive 99 points below penultimate place, which in itself went to one-time League leaders Mintal Institute.

OFFL Cup

And now, for the Cup denouement.

Whose front door mat will get a jolly good thwonking from the much coveted Stanley Matthews' Football Album?

Well, thanks to the midweek games before the final Premiership Sunday of the Season, it was all square in the OFFL Cup at 10 points each.  But then Saturday came...

OFFL Cup Final
--------------
FINAL SCORE

RST-Boy       20  v  40  Woolyback Returns 
Rick Beecroft            Guy Harewood

So, the Manager of the Week certificate not only goes to Guy Harewood for scoring 40 points but it also ensures that his Woolyback Returns wins the OFFL Cup Final with relative ease, doubling the points of his opponent, Rick Beecroft.  Congratulations Mr Harewood - I'm sure the England legend's Footballing Annual will receive the utmost respect up there in the Clackmannanshire Republic of Scotland.

So, for most of you, another season ends with humiliating disappointment.  A brief look back over the last 39 weeks will probably make perfect sense of it all for you.  But right now it's over.  Over and done with.  There's nothing left for you here.  Move along please.

As always, Studmarks and all the staff at OFFL HQ, would like to thank you for taking part; for absorbing the barbed comments and ritual haranguing. Next season will be the 20th year of this nonsense.  If you can stomach it, you'd probably all be welcome.

Yes, twenty years.

By the time this missive is dispatched The Chairman will have given himself up to the authorities before planning, in time for next season, his inevitable escape from whichever inadequately secured institute in which he finds himself.

Nurse yourself through the forthcoming OFFL-less weeks with the month-long World Cup.  This season's abject failure to make any impact on the OFFL campaign will be adequate preparation for the witnessing of England's expected progress.

Which reminds us... where are all the metatarsal injuries now, eh?

Roll credits.


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2014
---------------------------------------------
Livercoolio, 492 points
Russ Bielby


OFFL CUP WINNERS 2014
---------------------
Woolyback Returns
Guy Harewood


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP 2014
----------------------------------------------
Pyeators II, 465 points
Dave Clayton


OFFL CUP RUNNERS UP
-------------------
RST-Boy
Rick Beecroft


Many, many, MANY congratulations.

Worth a mention:  After a season-long battle for many to finish in the top ten, Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone sneak past Neil's Neil's Diamonds to retake tenth place.  105 points behind the Champions mind, but it's the top ten, nevertheless.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 10 492
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 22 465
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 16 461
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 12 459
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 22 452
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 27 435
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 20 421
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 40 412
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 406
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 387
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 21 386
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 17 362
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 19 354
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 24 350
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 28 337
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  4 322
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 322
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 317
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 17 314
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 25 303
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3 294
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17 272
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13 261
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 253
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 154


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    359
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