Week 16: Top Trumps

With the help of Mike Smears

History, they say, is written by the victorious.  And as with most snappy little epithets, the OFFL comprehensively counters with a Chris.

Yes, Obi Wan Kenobi Nil are making history after yet another week of negativity and a Week 16 point total that's never been so low for the League.  What Mr Walsh is wistfully gruntling about down there is anyone's guess but we can speculate it might be something along the lines of 'if only I could submit my team again'.  To which the OFFL rules suggest he bloody well can.  In time for the OFFL Cup?

For anyone suffering from our recent turbulent times, succour can be secured from Mike Smears' thoughts on a potential new team.  He writes...

"I think that in keeping with these desperate times, you should include a team named after Donald Trump. The team would remain at the foot of the league because, although its defence would be solid, having built a wall across the penalty area, it would be composed solely of right-wingers and be unable therefore ever to score. This would make us all feel better."

To which OFFL HQ have challenged

"if anyone can cobble together a mildly relevant 'Donald Trump' team we'd gladly enter it into this year's OFFL Cup for pure top bants and lunatic laughs cos we're crazy funny like that".

Quite.

Meanwhile, Jon King nabs another Manager of the Week certificate after honking in a massive 28 points this week, lifting his Moobs nine places into Fourteenth.

Happy Birthday to current OFFL Champions' Manager Minty Colquhoun.

Team of the Month for November is Guy Salter's Crystal Phallus.

Pos Name                Total
-----------------------------
13 Crystal Phallus        46
 1 Pyeators               45
14 Moobchester United     42
 2 Moanchester United     41
19 Radnorshire Tigers     41
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins     38
 5 Neil's Diamonds        36
 3 Absolutely Fabregas    35
16 Guess Hughton          35
 8 Johnny's Heroes        35
 .
 .
 .

25 Game Of Throw Ins      15
27 Moreton Rovers         15
15 Shutdown FC            14
24 Roll all the dice FC   13
28 Ali McMoist             5
29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil      1

COMING SOON!
The OFFL Cup.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 10 159
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 15 150
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 14 148
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 11 144
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 15 137
 6 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 12 135
 7 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8  9 134
 8 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 14 133
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 14 132
10 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 20 125

Week 14 & 15: Reaffirming Superiority

Clayton and Borrett sharing the Week's spoils

Well, I suppose the trend continues with a Manager of the Week Certificate accompanying top spot but this time it is to reaffirm superiority, not steal it.

Extending his lead at the top of the table from 1 point to 14 points, Dave Clayton is [joint] Manager of the Week after scoring 16 points with his Pyeators.  He shares the certificate with Nick Borrett whose Dowds Farm Goblins climb three places to land in sixth.

Happy Birthday, by the way, for Tuesday for Mike Smears.  Another uncountable year older, another telegram from the Queen.

What Ho! McHugh? Minus 4 points.  Giggle.  Everyone stare at him.  Point.  Laugh.  He's down two places.  [Is that all?]

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 16 149

 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  3 135

 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0  6 134

 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  7 133

 5 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 10 125

 6 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         54.3 16 123

 7 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9  7 122

 8 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  7 119

 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 15 118

10 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6 11 116

Week 13: The Best Lawyers Money Can Buy

Dave Clayton has the best defence

Dave Clayton and the very wealthy Donald Trumpet have a lot in common.  If Mr Trumpet, for example, was to be arrested and charged with a crime he did not commit, we are certain that he would also have the best defence around.

That forced comparison edges us closer to our point, yes, 55 points have been amassed by Dave Clayton's Goalkeeper, his Full Backs and his Centrebacks combined which has contributed to the Pyeators' overall table-topping total of 133 points.  This takes The Clayt, as he probably isn't known by his friends, to the Number One spot in the League AND earns him that special, albeit specious, comparison with the newly elected leader of the 'Free World'.

Joint Manager of the Week, Alex Blundell, shuffles and whinges his way into Second by steering his Moanchester United to a large weekly haul of 23 points. He shares the Manager of the Week certificate with latecomer and former OFFL Champions Sheep City's manager, Martyn Field.  The Sheep have climbed no places to remain in twenty-sixth place.

And the Manager of the Month for October?  Who dat den?

Pos.Team                Oct Total

---------------------------------

 1 Pyeators                    60

 5 Neil's Diamonds             55

21 The Flying Geese            48

15 Big Girl's Blouses          46

14 Livercoolio                 43

 4 Inter Milandrover           42

 2 Moanchester United          39

 3 Absolutely Fabregas         37

 .

 .

 .

 .

26 Sheep City                  19

22 Game Of Throw Ins           18

15 Toby's Gang                 17

11 RS-TBOY                     15

29 Obi Wan Kenobi Nil           4

That's it for this week.  Now go home and get some sleep.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 19 133
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 23 132
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        55.0 15 128
 4 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  7 126
 5 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 14 115
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 11 115
 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 14 112
 8 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  7 111
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins   Nick Borrett         55.0 10 107
10 Minty's Minions      Minty Colquhoun      54.6  8 105

Week 12: A Tintinnabulatingly Tight Table

The Chairman: listening out for tintinnabulation 

We thought this nonsense had stopped.  We hinted as much in the last edition of Studmarks.  But, clearly, it hasn't...

Another Manager of the Week certificate win, another new team at the top. 29 points this week sees Smasher lodged up in the League's loftiest of locales, oh lumme.

This must mean we have a very tight league this season.  Certainly in these early stages - and when we say early, we're ignoring the fact that we're already playing out Week 13.  Gosh.  Week 13, eh?  It'll be OFFL Cup soon and OMG Chairman hasn't even managed to source an appropriate prize yet.

And, cupping a hand to our ear, we theatrically ask "what's that?"  Can we hear the faint jingle-jangle of seasonal tintinnabulation a-tinkling in the chinkling chilly distance?*

*All words in this sentence actually probably exist.

In the meantime... highest climbers are Mr Bielby's Livercoolio [up 8 into Fourteenth] while farthest fallers are Mr Borret's Dowds Farm Goblins [down 9 into Twelfth].

Ooh, and just remember everyone... hope is not lost. Current Champions, Minty's Minions, are only 22 points behind the leaders and they're in Eleventh!

It is indeed a marathon and not a sprint.  Maybe we should remember that.  Write it down somewhere or something.

Happy Birthday to Craig McHugh by the way [Saturday] and Ali Larking [Sunday].  And belatedly to Neil McConaghy and Guy Harewood [Week 9 & 10].

Now, everyone look at Chris Walsh.  Everyone, go on.  STARE AT HIM.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 29 119
 2 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         55.0 20 114
 3 Absolutely Fabregas  Sarah Bingham        54.8 12 113
 4 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 19 109
 5 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4  4 104
 6 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 18 104
 7 Big Girl's Blouses   Guy Harewood         54.6 16 102
 8 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       53.9 14 101
 9 Starpratt Mustgo     Malcolm Meaden-Pratt 55.0 17  99
10 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 10  98