Week 03: Bielby Bounces Back

Sarah returns to [near] the top

Mrs Bielby bounces back with her second Manager of the Week certificate of the campaign, knocking in 19 points this week and inserting herself into the number two spot in the table.  The resurgence of Johnny's Heroes is keeping Johnny King's Moobs on their chubby little toes.  Mr King remains in top spot.

Highest climber, rocketing up twelve places into seventh, is Toby's Gang.  Neil's Diamonds thrust up an almost equally enthralling eleven places into eleventh.

Don't panic, folks. It's just the early season jostle that dupes the jittery managers amongst you to break into their transfer quota. Cough, Rick, ahem, Russ, ahem, splutter, ahem, ahem, ahem.  A marathon it is.  A sprint it is not.

Will the international break and creaky close of the transfer window bring any further rash changes.  Let's hope so.

Happy Birthday for Manager Nick Borrett [Sunday]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.4 11  41
 2 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6 19  38
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9  9  37
 4 Roll all the dice FC Gavin Ward           55.0 18  36
 5 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9  8  35
 6 Crystal Phallus      Guy Salter           54.1 15  31
 7 Toby's Gang          Toby Larking         55.0 17  30
 8 Guess Hughton        Nick Reed            54.3  6  29
 9 Epic Yellowz         Stanley/Kate Wilson  54.8 14  29
10 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9  5  28

Week 02: The King Rules

Beecroft after Week 1's results

Again, the OFFL Table's top spot is accompanied by the Manager of the Week certificate.  Indeed, this week it's the former BBC Presenter, music impresario and old bugger [convicted] Jonathan King.  Currently out on bail until October, King has elevated his Moobs into top spot with a score of 22 points.

And while we, here at Studmarks, pat ourselves smugly on the back for hauling out the same old inappropriate Jon/Jonathan King references, the actual Jon King (OFFL Manager, former Emsworthian and accountant at the Kenwood Corporation) snortingly rolls his eyes while quietly toeing the unopened Notice of Intended Prosecution envelope under the sideboard.

Firmly in Jon's managerial shadow is the moanful Alex Blundell and his Moanchester United.  Mr Blundell, whose convictions for indecent assault remain undisclosed, hasn't been this high in the table since his Rufuscester took the title in 1997.

Heady days indeed.

And while we're on the subject of ancient history never to be repeated, we also welcome back 1996's OFFL Champions, Sheep City.  Yes, Manager Martyn Field returns to top flight Fantasy Football after years of self-banishment.

So what happened to last week's table toppers, Johnny's Heroes? They fell, screaming as they passed you, down six places into Seventh, that's what.  More shocking however, is the fact that Mrs Bielby's husband, Mr Bielby, has already submitted a couple of transfers!  And Russell wasn't even the first manager to make an unreasonably panicky change this season. That prize goes to his colleague Rick Beecroft.

Indeed, Week One had barely thlopped its electronic weight onto your email doormat when Beecroft, hyperventilating into a brown bag and stabbing incoherently at the Players List, pinged back a request to change Ramsey for Mane.  It seems those Real Sense boys are already jostling for position.

Our lowest faller is Sarah Bingham's Absolutely Fabregas who plummeted nine places.  Conversely, our highest climbers (up eight places each) are RS-TBOY and Radnorshire Tigers.

So, we've definitely started then.

T h e   T a b l e

                                             Value Points

   Team                 Manager             (GBPm) Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Moobchester United   Jon King             54.4 22  30

 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        54.9 19  28

 3 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              54.9 16  27

 4 Guess Hughton        Nick Reed            54.3 18  23

 5 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         54.9 12  23

 6 Moreton Rovers       Edgar Rayner         55.0 17  22

 7 Johnny's Heroes      Sarah Bielby         54.6  5  19

 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        54.8 15  19

 9 Radnorshire Tigers   Alun Edwards         52.4 16  18

10 Shutdown FC          Sam Reed             54.4 14  18

Week 01: Ian Wright's Teeth

Look at how white they are.

It's on. And we're up.

Good job Gary Lineker wasn't.

Yeah, you know what we're talking about.

It should be noted that Our Most Gracious Chairman was drafted in as the BBC body double on Saturday night in case The Boy Lineker chickened out of presenting MOTD in just a pair of Leicesters. Fortunately for widescreen enthusiasts the corpulent services of OMG Chairman weren't required.

So, we finally arrive at the first week of the season. After a remarkably successful/disastrous* European Championships, we can bury our beaming/crying* faces into the nestled comfort of the big and pleasantly plumpy Premiership pillow. Zzzzzzz.

[* delete according to your UK loyalties.]

Well, Johnny's Heroes are first out of the blocks as Sarah Bielby collects a Manager of the Week certificate for an adequate week's pull of 14 points. But as we know: it's a marathon, not a sprint, so keep your cock-a-hooping down to modest whoop if you will, Mrs Bielby.

Notable is the start that our current OFFL Champions Minty's Minions have made to the 2016/2017 season. -3 points and a lowly equal twenty-third. Ms Colquhoun is amongst good company though - Neil McConaghy and Malcolm Meaden-Pratt are surprise bottomers too. Incidentally, it's the Meaden-Pratts who are causing the Umpa Lumpa in charge of this year's League Table design a bit of a headache. There has been talk of fining them for their disastrously hyphenated surname.

Seriously, it's just not on.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.6 14  14
 2 Game Of Throw Ins          Craig McHugh    54.9 11  11
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 11  11
 4 Absolutely Fabregas        Sarah Bingham   54.8  9   9
 4 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.8  9   9
 6 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  55.0  9   9
 7 Crystal Phallus            Guy Salter      54.1  8   8
 8 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.4  8   8
 9 Dowds Farm Goblins         Nick Borrett    55.0  7   7
10 Epic Yellowz               Stanley & Kate  54.8  6   6

Dave Clayts-in

Second Place Pyeators

Dave understands the rules

Initial teething problems with the PlayersList, caused by the late Umpa Lumpa #359, meant confusion over the Pyeating playing position of preferred Liverpool Midfielder Wijnaldum  To his credit, Manager Dave Clayton wasn't perturbed nor put off by this little hiccough to his opening team submission.  No.  Safe in the knowledge that the Chairman Is Always Right, Clayton cooly adjusted his line-up accordingly with a warm smile and knowing humility.

Now that's the way to get on in this league.

Historically, Mr Clayton can only crow about a couple of consecutive League runner-up finishes [2012/2013 and 2013/2014] and is a defeated OFFL Cup finalist from 2012 but his teams are always up there within the pelaton of title dreamers.  The Arsenal of the OFFL, perhaps?

Enter Pyeators...

110	GK	T Courtois	CHE	£4.1
166	FB	C Azpilicueta	CHE	£4.4
222	FB	K Walker	TOT	£4.3
284	CB	J Fonte	SOT	£4.1
283	CB	C Smalling	MU	£4.5
323	MF	M Ozil	ARS	£6.0
340	MF	G Boyd	BUR	£3.5
605	MF	G Wijnaldum	LIV	£4.8
516	MF	D Payet	WH	£5.5
523	ST	A Sanchez	ARS	£7.6
563	ST	J Rhodes	MID	£5.8

Meaden makes it

So others may not suffer

She's a Pratt now

Proclaiming to be a "lover of theatre, comedy and literature" is to clearly explain Karyn's attraction to frequent OFFL manager and current husband, Big Mally Pratt.  To add that she's not into "ballet, opera... and Crunchie bars" is as good as admitting that she's not into him when he's drunk.

Karyn's charity extends to filling up the lower echelons of the OFFL table so that others may not have to suffer and we look forward to monitoring how Ms Meaden-Pratt performs in her second season.

Good luck to Bourneslippy...

129	GK	D De Gea	MU	£4.3
151	FB	H Bellerin	ARS	£4.5
206	FB	C Soares	SOT	£4.0
262	CB	R Huth	LEI	£4.1
286	CB	V Van Dijk	SOT	£4.1
323	MF	M Ozil	ARS	£6.0
408	MF	S Mane	LIV	£5.0
457	MF	M Arnautovic	STO	£4.7
478	MF	D Alli	TOT	£5.0
528	ST	J King	BOU	£5.4
553	ST	J Vardy	LEI	£7.6

.

Craig's all McHughed up for the season

Real Revamp

Craig McHugh.
Genuinely, this
is his face

Former Norwegian glamour model, Craig McHugh began aspiring to Fantasy Football greatness from his plaice behind the counter of a Fish and Chip shop in Surbiton. McHugh maintains that one afternoon a solitary piece of leftover battered fish spoke to him and, having been inspired by the word of Cod, he entered his first OFFL team.

These days, undeterred by the tragic disfigurement that was brought about by a particularly surprising sneeze, McHugh miserably continues to underachieve in the League, managing the runner-up spot back in 2007.

Winner of the OFFL Cup in 2011 and, most recently, the defeated finalist in 2013, Manager McHugh has revamped his entry - so much so that he's rebranded.  Real Mcdrid is no more, long live Game Of Throw Ins...

PIN	Pos	Name	Team	(M)
141	GK	H Lloris	TOT	£4.1
230	FB	C Dawson	WBA	£3.6
234	FB	A Cresswell	WH	£4.0
283	CB	C Smalling	MU	£4.5
262	CB	R Huth	LEI	£4.1
369	MF	R Barkley	EVE	£4.8
408	MF	S Mane	LIV	£5.0
478	MF	D Alli	TOT	£5.0
346	MF	C Fabregas	CHE	£5.2
558	ST	S Aguero	MC	£8.5
589	ST	O Ighalo	WAT	£6.1

Stanley and his Mum are in

What's In A Name, eh? Enter Epic Yellowz

The Lovely, and

politically correct,

Mrs Wilson

A long, long time ago we, here at Studmarks, were guilty of allowing misandry to fester within the ranks.  Team names, such as 'Menarepigs FC' were allowed to slip through the OFFL cultural quality control - for some inexcusable reason it seemed more socially allowable than, for example, 'Womenarecows FC'.

*GASP*

See?

But the tides of time bring forth the mellowing watery waves of wisdom to gently lap upon the beach of experience.  As does the bearing of a beautiful boy, of course.  A son whose radicalisation into the fanaticism of Oxford United FC is not currently a red flag scenario for Social Services intervention.

Sadly missing from last season's league table, Mrs Wilson is now back with her lad.  Will last season's Oxford U's success be transposed into the Wilson's OFFL season?  Probably not. At least they will always have the OFFL Cup teapot prize from 2010 to look upon with happy memories.  Though we can't for the life of us remember what the name of the team was back then.

Welcome back Mrs and Master Wilson.

Epic Yellowz

PIN	Pos	Name	Team	(M)
129	GK	D De Gea	MU	£4.3
198	FB	M Darmian	MU	£4.4
151	FB	H Bellerin	ARS	£4.5
262	CB	R Huth	LEI	£4.1
299	CB	A Williams	SWA	£3.7
402	MF	P Coutinho	LIV	£5.0
516	MF	D Payet	WH	£5.5
477	MF	G Sigurdsson	SWA	£4.6
484	MF	C Eriksen	TOT	£4.9
553	ST	J Vardy	LEI	£7.6
577	ST	J Defoe	SUN	£6.2

Gavsin

...and he's throwing ALL the dice this time

Mr Ward, beating up a child in public

For someone who enjoys beating up children in public, it comes as no surprise to Gavin Ward to be finding himself entering yet another OFFL team.  It's the long Summer OFFL-less months that do it. They leave an empty chasm of hopelessness within him that enables his inner demons to breed this wanton violence against kids.

Mr Ward's only success to date is his OFFL Cup win with Olympilimps FC in 2013. He won a Match of the Day annual.

Hang on,  Did we say that Gavin enjoyed "beating up children in public"?  How silly of us, we meant cycling.  Gavin enjoys cycling.  Glad we cleared that up.
Roll All The Dice FC

120	GK	K Schmeichel	LEI	£3.9
187	FB	J Gomez	LIV	£3.8
202	FB	L Shaw	MU	£4.3
253	CB	P Jagielka	EVE	£4.1
309	CB	J Evans	WBA	£3.7
516	MF	D Payet	WH	£5.5
483	MF	E Dier	TOT	£3.8
444	MF	B Schweinsteiger	MU	£3.8
323	MF	M Ozil	ARS	£6.0
558	ST	S Aguero	MC	£8.5
553	ST	J Vardy	LEI	£7.6