Thursday, 24 May 2018

Week 36: Funny Smell

Hasn't been seen for a while


Remarkably, Neil's Diamonds take their manager Neil McConaghy to the highest heights in the land for the second year running. He is the third manager in 5 years to successfully retain the League Title. What makes this year's title-winning journey all the more remarkable is that Mr McConaghy didn't make a single transfer request throughout the entire season. In fact, he might as well not have been there.

And while his neighbours continue to gossip about the funny smell coming from his flat we can confirm that he was unavailable for comment.

Almost as interesting is that the previous two managers to have enjoyed 'Consecutive Season Title Success Syndrome' were actually facing off in the OFFL Cup Final with Inter Milandrover's Smasher looking to retain the Cup for an unlikely second time over arch rival Russell Bielby of Livercoolio.

And, yes, the results are in...
==============
OFFL Cup Final
--------------
RESULT

         Livercoolio 67 v 76 Inter Milandrover
      Russell Bielby         Smasher


Inter Milandrover are the OFFL Cup Winners for the third year running. Now that's remarkable.

Congratulations should also go to this season's League Runners Up, Moanchester United, who finished a considerable 58 points behind the Diamonds.

Crystal Phallus need to take a long hard look at themselves for not even making it past the 1000 point mark. Shameful. [GAVIN WARD WIPES BROW WITH OUTPUFF OF RELIEF].

Manager of the Week for this final week, and his second time this season, was Jon King. His Moobchester United scooped a bulbously pert 93 points leaving him restless in Thirteenth.

So what next? Fewer posts from us, here at Studmarks, for sure. And maybe the four-yearly embarrassment that is England Men's ritual descent in the World Rankings as they get knocked out in the qualifying round to Panama. And while the Chairman writes his usual scathing letter to the FA demanding the instant reinstatement of the Home Nations Tournament, we wave goodbye to Him, quill in hand, papers flying, chained to a large bureau that doesn't quite fit into the back of a rapidly disappearing ambulance.

He'll be back (pending full mental assessment).

May you all have a marvellous Summer and enjoy the hype that is the Men's World Cup.

Spasiba, comrades. Spasiba.
=======================
UNECCESARY PLAYER STATS
-----------------------

Top 20 Scorers
--------------

PINPoPosSurname      Club_iValueTotal
-------------------------------------
443 MF Salah, M     LIV   £4.5  256
627 ST Kane, H      TOT   £7.0  220
454 MF Sterling, R  MCY   £4.6  193
625 ST Heung-Min, S TOT   £5.0  182
445 MF de Bruyne, K MCY   £5.7  180
595 ST Vardy, J     LEI   £5.4  178
606 ST Lukaku, R    MUN   £6.6  172
596 ST Firmino, R   LIV   £5.7  168
431 MF Mahrez, R    LEI   £5.1  162
513 MF Eriksen, C   TOT   £5.5  162
602 ST Aguero, S    MCY   £6.8  158
197 DF Azpilicueta, CHE   £4.5  156
196 DF Alonso, M    CHE   £4.3  154
451 MF Sane, L      MCY   £4.9  153
557 ST Sanchez, A   ARS   £7.0  150
254 DF Walker, K    MCY   £4.2  139
133 GK Moraes, E    MCY   £3.6  136
510 MF Alli, D      TOT   £5.8  135
357 MF Gross, P     BTN   £2.7  132
252 DF Otamendi, N  MCY   £3.7  131


Most Value For Money
--------------------

All Players
-----------
PIN PosSurname      Club_iValue   Total  Pts/£
----------------------------------------------
443 MF Salah, M     LIV   £4.5     256   56.89
669 GK Pope, N      BUR   £2.3     115   50.00
193 DF Tarkowski, J BUR   £2.1     105   50.00
357 MF Gross, P     BTN   £2.7     132   48.89
525 MF Doucoure, A  WAT   £2.0      90   45.00
454 MF Sterling, R  MCY   £4.6     193   41.96
195 DF Ward, S      BUR   £2.3      94   40.87
394 MF Milivojevic, CRY   £2.6     105   40.38
110 GK Ryan, M      BTN   £2.5      99   39.60
133 GK Moraes, E    MCY   £3.6     136   37.78
375 MF Gudmundsson, BUR   £2.5      92   36.80
625 ST Heung-Min, S TOT   £5.0     182   36.40
225 DF Jorgensen, M HUD   £2.4      87   36.25
306 DF Davies, B    TOT   £3.4     123   36.18
196 DF Alonso, M    CHE   £4.3     154   35.81
303 DF van der HoornSWA   £2.1      75   35.71
252 DF Otamendi, N  MCY   £3.7     131   35.41
262 DF Smalling, C  MUN   £3.6     126   35.00
197 DF Azpilicueta, CHE   £4.5     156   34.67
191 DF Lowton, M    BUR   £2.5      85   34.00
163 DF Gibbs, K     ARS   £2.8      94   33.57


Goalkeepers
-----------
PIN PosSurname      Club_iValue   Total  Pts/£
----------------------------------------------
669 GK Pope, N      BUR   £2.3     115  50.000
110 GK Ryan, M      BTN   £2.5      99  39.600
133 GK Moraes, E    MCY   £3.6     136  37.778
134 GK de Gea, D    MUN   £3.9     127  32.564
124 GK Lossl, J     HUD   £2.7      86  31.852
142 GK McCarthy, A  SOT   £2.0      58  29.000
150 GK Lloris, H    TOT   £3.8     109  28.684
147 GK Fabianski, L SWA   £2.9      83  28.621
115 GK Courtois, T  CHE   £4.0     114  28.500
154 GK Foster, B    WBA   £2.8      78  27.857

Defenders
---------
PIN PosSurname      Club_iValue   Total  Pts/£
----------------------------------------------
193 DF Tarkowski, J BUR   £2.1     105   50.00
195 DF Ward, S      BUR   £2.3      94   40.87
225 DF Jorgensen, M HUD   £2.4      87   36.25
306 DF Davies, B    TOT   £3.4     123   36.18
196 DF Alonso, M    CHE   £4.3     154   35.81
303 DF van der HoornSWA   £2.1      75   35.71
252 DF Otamendi, N  MCY   £3.7     131   35.41
262 DF Smalling, C  MUN   £3.6     126   35.00
197 DF Azpilicueta, CHE   £4.5     156   34.67
191 DF Lowton, M    BUR   £2.5      85   34.00

Midfielders
-----------
PIN PosSurname      Club_iValue   Total  Pts/£
----------------------------------------------
443 MF Salah, M     LIV   £4.5     256   56.89
357 MF Gross, P     BTN   £2.7     132   48.89
525 MF Doucoure, A  WAT   £2.0      90   45.00
454 MF Sterling, R  MCY   £4.6     193   41.96
394 MF Milivojevic, CRY   £2.6     105   40.38
375 MF Gudmundsson, BUR   £2.5      92   36.80
528 MF Richarlison  WAT   £3.0      99   33.00
500 MF Carroll, T   SWA   £2.6      83   31.92
431 MF Mahrez, R    LEI   £5.1     162   31.76
445 MF de Bruyne, K MCY   £5.7     180   31.58

Strikers
--------
PIN PosSurname      Club_iValue   Total  Pts/£
----------------------------------------------
625 ST Heung-Min, S TOT   £5.0     182   36.40
595 ST Vardy, J     LEI   £5.4     178   32.96
622 ST Ayew, J      SWA   £3.3     104   31.52
627 ST Kane, H      TOT   £7.0     220   31.43
621 ST Abraham, T   SWA   £3.2      97   30.31
596 ST Firmino, R   LIV   £5.7     168   29.47
567 ST Murray, G    BTN   £3.6     104   28.89
613 ST Perez, A     NEW   £3.4      98   28.82
569 ST Barnes, A    BUR   £3.4      95   27.94
619 ST Diouf, M     STO   £3.3      91   27.58


Potential Dream Team?  Can you do better?
==========================================
 PIN  Surname         Pos   Club   Value  Total
 ----------------------------------------------
 134  de Gea, D       GK    MUN      £3.9  127
 197  Azpilicueta, C  DF    CHE      £4.5  156
 196  Alonso, M       DF    CHE      £4.3  154
 262  Smalling, C     DF    MUN      £3.6  126
 169  Monreal, N      DF    ARS      £3.8  112
 443  Salah, M        MF    LIV      £4.5  256
 454  Sterling, R     MF    MCY      £4.6  193
 445  de Bruyne, K    MF    MCY      £5.7  180
 357  Gross, P        MF    BTN      £2.7  132
 627  Kane, H         ST    TOT      £7.0  220
 625  Heung-Min, S    ST    TOT      £5.0  182
 ---------------------------------------------
                                          1838
                                         =====
                            Value £  49.6


T h e  F I N A L  T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 61 1551
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 60 1493
 3 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       50.0 67 1485
 4 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 54 1483
 5 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              49.6 76 1442
 6 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 50 1429
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 47 1409
 8 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 63 1405
 9 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 70 1402
10 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.3 59 1390

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

Week 35: Standing on the Verge

Standing on the verge
We stand on the verge of crowning Mr Neil McConaghy with the diadem of double dominance as his Diamonds do it again - that is, win the OFFL Championship for the second year running. But let us pretend for one more week that it could be an open race.  It isn't an open race but we're already losing our viewers to the Eurovision Song Contest and we can't stand the thought of writing this bloody nonsense for nothing.

Every week.  I mean.  Come on.  Bloody nonsense.  For you.

You don't care.

Though, you might [you won't] when you see the OFFL Cup Final breakdown between Livercoolio and Inter Milandrover.


========================
OFFL Cup Final Breakdown
------------------------

Livercoolio      ClubTotal | Inter Milandrover    ClubTotal
-------------------------- | ------------------------------
 134 GK de Gea, D MUN  120 | 119 GK  Pickford, J  EVE   48
 197 DF AzpilicuetCHE   57 | 234 DF  Maguire, H   LEI   31
 193 DF Tarkowski,BUR   31 | 306 DF  Davies, B    TOT  116
 510 MF Alli, D   TOT  133 | 445 MF  de Bruyne, K MCY   90
 459 MF Lingard, JMUN   45 | 454 MF  Sterling, R  MCY   76
 454 MF Sterling, MCY   82 | 441 MF  Mane, S      LIV  105
 627 ST Kane, H   TOT   78 | 595 ST  Vardy, J     LEI   51
 596 ST Firmino, RLIV  163 | 707 ST  Aubameyang, PARS   15

Hence, Livercoolio are the Firm[ino] favourites to defeat this season's disappointing Inter Milandrover.

Meanwhile, as most of you sidestep any passing interest in The OFFL Cup you will of course be happy to take note that the Manager of the Week this week is Brighton Beautiful's Karyn Meaden-Pratt. The bright and beautiful Mrs Meaden-Pratt popped in an impressively sized 47 points.

Pop.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 17 1490
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 17 1433
 3 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 27 1429
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       50.0 24 1418
 5 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 19 1379
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              48.3 21 1366
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 18 1362
 8 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 31 1342
 9 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 18 1332
10 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.3 47 1331

Monday, 30 April 2018

Week 34: OFFL Cup Semi-Final Results

Manager of the Week this week is Minty Colquhoun with a big fat score of 44. This moves her Minty's Minions up two places into Fourteenth.

Pundits are already slapping their pates over whether Guy Salter's Crystal Phallus and Gavin Ward's Wardy's Wasters will wobble themselves within the 1000 point watermark as yet another season can be written off as 'calamitous' by both of these managing failures.

========
OFFL Cup
--------
Semi-Finals, Results

         Livercoolio 39 v  26 Brighton Beautiful
      Russell Bielby          Karyn Meaden-Pratt
         
   Inter Milandrover 28 v  21 Moobchester United
             Smasher          Jon King


The Final will therefore be between Livercoolio and Inter Milandrover.  Can the current holders Inter Milandrover retain the Cup for the THIRD YEAR RUNNING?

It's unlikely, let's face it.  Livercoolio are looking quite, quite dangerous.

The final will be played in Week 36, the final week of the season.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 18 1473
 2 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 32 1416
 3 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 10 1402
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       50.0 39 1394
 5 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 23 1360
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              48.3 28 1345
 7 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 22 1344
 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 19 1314
 9 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 17 1311
10 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.3 26 1284

Monday, 23 April 2018

Week 33: OFFL Cup Semi Finals Draw

OFFL Cup: Semi-Finals Week
Joint Managers of the Week this week are Russell Bielby and Craig McHugh who both steered their Livercoolio and Game Of Throw Ins respectively to a big fat 70 point total each.  Both climb a place in the league table putting Livercoolio into Fourth and Game Of Throw Ins into Eighth.

This must feel like great preparation for first-time Manager of the Week Bielby as he takes his team into the Semi-Finals of the OFFL Cup this week.

========
OFFL Cup
--------
Semi Finals,Wk 34
           
      Livercoolio v Brighton Beautiful
   Russell Bielby   Karen Meaden-Pratt
   
Inter Milandrover v Moobchester United
          Smasher   Jon King

Yes.  We start playing these fixtures tonight.  So get your transfers in before 1730hrs.

We are officially running out of weeks.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 64 1455
 2 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 55 1392
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 64 1384
 4 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       50.0 70 1355
 5 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 44 1337
 6 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 67 1322
 7 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              48.3 51 1317
 8 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 70 1295
 9 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 34 1294
10 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.1 49 1258

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Week 32: Helmsmanship

Neil McConaghy
As host to the parasite that is the OFFL, it's been a hard old season for the English Premiership.  Including, also, for the slap-headed pundits trying to push an exciting narrative on what has been a near-total dominance by just one team: trying to squeeze some excitement into a campaign that was won bloomin' ages ago.  Of course, they attempt to distract from it by over-praising the dominant team as the most brilliantest and bestest bunch of ball kickers ever, honest, like, in the world.  But it doesn't change what has been an inevitability.

Neil McConaghy's helmsmanship of his own dominant team has been steadily pushing the rest of the OFFL further and further behind him too.  Unlike Pep Guardiola, however, Mr McConaghy hasn't dabbled in the transfer market at all.  AT ALL.  Neil's Diamonds has a full transfer quota of 12 remaining and if they continue their ascent to a second league title in a row, their Manager's legend will sit quite comfortably alongside that of Guardiola's.

In other words, we call on the rest of you chasing managers to get a move on and challenge the old git or he'll never stop banging on about it.

At least he's not in the...

========
OFFL Cup
--------
Quarter Finals, RESULTS
           
            Bayern Bru 32 v  48 Livercoolio
          Guy Harewood          Russ Bielby
            
     Inter Milandrover 49 v  26 RS-TBOY
               Smasher          Rick Beecroft
     
              Pyeators 29 v  34 Brighton Beautiful
          Dave Clayton          Karyn Meaden-Pratt
              
    Moobchester United 32 v  30 Irishpool
              Jon King          Mike Smears


Russell Bielby's Livercoolio, Smasher's Inter Milandrover, Karyn Meaden-Pratt's Brighton Beautiful and Jon King's Moobchester United are left fighting for a place in the OFFL Cup Final. Can Smasher retain the Cup for the third year running?  Can Livercoolio better his Cup Final defeat of 2008?  Let's hope not in both cases: it's Moobchester United's turn for some silverware glory, isn't it?

Interesting fact: 50% of the current top ten teams have managers with a four letter forename.

*Swoon*

Manager of the Week is Smasher.  Inter Milandrover scored 49 points.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                 Manager             (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds      Neil McConaghy       49.7 37 1391
 2 Bayern Bru           Guy Harewood         49.6 32 1337
 3 Moanchester United   Alex Blundell        49.4 36 1320
 4 Pogboom              Nick and Sam Reed    49.3 38 1293
 5 Livercoolio          Russell Bielby       50.0 48 1285
 6 Inter Milandrover    Smasher              48.3 49 1266
 7 Pyeators             Dave Clayton         50.0 29 1260
 8 RS-TBOY              Rick Beecroft        49.8 26 1255
 9 Game Of Throw Ins    Craig McHugh         49.0 31 1225
10 Brighton Beautiful   Karyn Meaden-Pratt   49.1 34 1209