A NEW LEADER, PANIC BUYING AND BIT OF TEXTUAL HARASSMENT

It's not as if Our Great and Wise Chairman enjoys schadenfreude. Amusing himself at the thought of some people's misfortunes. Smugly sniggering at the silly slip-ups somebody else displays. Thigh-slappingly guffawing during a mid-air heel-click of whoopsome joy on his way to yet another lunch appointment. Taking much gleesome comfort from the calamitous catastrophes that others bring upon themselves.

GRAVY AND SPICES

But when they're served up on a plate with all the trimmings, gravy and spices he really does find it hard to resist. And that is, of course, why we love him so.

[And pause]

[Enter the sound of distant wind; a cold zephyr spinning some dried dead flora haplessly down the lonely old dust road]

[somebody at the back yawns]

And we all know that the moment a striker starts hacking up hatricks is the moment half the OFFL want a piece of him. Just before he breaks a nail and has to be sidelined for a year. But it's not the inevitability of the transfer scramble for Arsenal personnel that makes the Chairman smile. No.

A LITTLE STRAINED

It's the fact that an awful lot of competitive banter seems to fly around along with the transfers. Not least in Derby. Where the RealSense boys are finding things a little strained in that warehouse by the railway of theirs.

In fact it's got so bad that allegations of intimidation and bullying are rife. So bad, even, that one manager has 'ratted' on another.

Evidence has been provided to the OFFL of eBullying - a useful sort of intimidation that means you can hurt someone from a distance, over the internet, without really trying. [A deplorable activity, naturally].

BAR OF SOAP

So, in view of the available emails presented to OFFL HQ it has been deemed necessary to impose a Point Fine on one of our managers. The first Point Fine in two years. 30 points. Deducted. From Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.

Shocking.

The First Point Fine in Two Years, has it really been that long? Sigh.

Could that be why the Chairman is smiling?

Manager of the Week this week is Alfred Bradley for scoring 18pts for his Alfletico Madrid.

Highest climber this week is Mike Smears and his Irishpool who climb nine places with the biggest dropper being the Marauding Metatarsels. Down nine places.

Everybody stare at Gavin Ward.

Week 5

There are two types of OFFL Manager. We have the highly knowledgeable 'MotD-rewinder' who have their finger super-glued to the pulse of the Premiership. And we've got the no-hope, no-care, doing it 'cos I was tol' to, drawing-pin-in-a-list-of-players kind of person.

Let me elaborate: after a successful brace of international victories (thanks to the heroics of a certain striker who was absent from most of last season's world cup tournament campaign) the OFFL, perhaps shockingly, see absolutely no transfer requests coming in whatsoever for Emile Heskey.

Is it because the average OFFL manager knows nothing of recent footballing phenomena? Or, is it because the average OFFL manager is so clued up that they knew Mr Heskey was going to be out for 6 weeks with a stubbed toe? Hmm?

Managers of the Week
Steve Tierney and Smasher
[who fall into the former category]
of
Abeerden and Inter Milandrover respectively
22 points

Not manager of the week... Paddy Mirams [who also falls - from a great, great height into the former category too]. Nil points.

Take the shame.

Week 3: A Week in Provence

CROCODILE CUDDLING

Provence. So called because it was the First Province of Rome don't you know. Something like that anyway. In fact, the town emblem of Nimes is a crocodile cuddling a palm tree. Why? It was the badge of the third Roman Legion of Egypt, the veteran troops of which retired there.

SHORTER THAN AVERAGE

It's hard to really take in all the history of the surroundings when you're busy creating a complex cascade of croissant crumbs down one's ever-swelling belly. Pausing only to challenge shorter than average folk on their Umpa Lumpa qualities.

POLICE CONFUSED

The local Gendarmes weren't very understanding when the Chairman's explanation was partially described in loud and exasperated Franglais. But reports suggest that they actually thought the Chairman was trying to find out more about Pepin the Short. Father of Charlemagne. 714 - 768?

Anyone?

No?

Preposterous nonsense, surely.

Anyway, this is where you all stand in the gladiatorial arena that is known as the OFFL.

By the way, did you know that Arena comes from the Greek word for sand. Yes, really.

Well, that's what the Nimes Amphitheatre audio guide said.

Managers of the Week

Neil McConaghy and Edgar Rayner for scoring 17 points each for their Big Mac's Mingmongs and Shellbeej respectively.

Week 1

While the administrative machine of the OFFL gets its annual service before spluttering into action and hitting the main highways and byways of the fantasy road system, The Chairman has decided to go on a recruitment drive for more Umpa Lumpas. This time, in France.

For some unfathomable reason, ever since the new TV contracts pumped in even more money into the game it's been extremely tricky to get the level of home grown Umpa Lumpaism required for the job. Overseas Lumpas are so much cheaper. And this year, after scrutinising many an Umpa Lumpa video sent by his scout Tyte Gripp, Our Chairman is ready to interview.

And so, while we peruse and admire our early League leaders, we shall await the return of the great Chairman later this month. In the meantime, the second tranche of teams have arrived and will be scoring away with the rest of you as soon as they can.

And just to keep the apathy at bay a little bit longer there are unconfirmed rumours that a special prize is being donated to the OFFL Cup Prize fund. And we think it might be a Shoot annual.

That's it. A SHOOT annual.

Carry on.

TRICKLE OF TEAMS TURNS INTO TORRENTIAL TIDAL WAVE

Seasoned OFFLers on their holidays without internet access are ringing their hands in frustration at the thought of an OFFL season without them at the very start. Well, they would be if they'd had internet access to see that the league had started. But then that wouldn't work would it? Because they would then have been able to etc etc etc. At least they'll be grateful to have missed that rather contrived headline until later. I mean, what is a 'torrential tidal wave' really? Shoddy sub editing that's what that is.

In the meantime, it's purpose was to skew our attention towards the rush of OFFL managers taking advantage of the Score Now deal presented to the League by Our Most Gracious Chairman.

Now, if you find that you haven't made the deadline this week then fear not. Our current Champions won the league last season after entering three weeks late. I know, it still hurts most of you. So you're still in with a chance. A big chance. Get entering. NOW.

Download the friendly SelectYourTeam spreadsheet. Pick your team and send it in.

Simple.

Just like the League's current Champions.