Bielby Goes Bonkers

Frontrunners Inter Milandrover and Decimated Left Peg have set the early pace this season with a large chasing pack not far behind, led by last year's runner-up RS T-Boy. It seems the rest of the League are comforting themselves with the wisdom that it is indeed 'a marathon, not a sprint'.

In the main, no-one is getting carried away...

In particular, Nick Reed.

His Gotsmanov's Salute, named after a cheeky little Belarusian called Sergey, have just dropped seven places after scoring a measly 5 points this week. Shame.

However, with the 'marathon, not a sprint' mantra reverberating reassuringly round his head, even Mr Reed isn't spunking transfers all over the place in an exuberant bid to claw back the terrible mess. Unlike Russ Bielby, manager of Livercoolio, who knows a thing or two about messy spunking.

Avid readers, [alright then, just readers] of last week's Studmarks will recall an early double transfer request from the self-monikered 'Rafa the Gaffa'. The First transfers of the season in fact.

Indeed, his managerial master-stroking consisted of booting out Arsenal's Arshavin and Aston Villa's Agbonlahor.... just as they both, as if by magic, did each score Premiership goals.

Anyone who has heard Our Chairman laugh out loud rarely forgets the awkward discomfort they feel during the experience.

Now, you would have thought that Mr Bielby, buttock-clenchingly desperate to keep within spurting distance of colleague Rick Beecroft, might have learned his lesson after Week 2. But no. Here he comes again... like an unfulfilled Kamikaze pilot on a bungee... this time with three spurnees. Gone are GK Begovic, CB Hangeland and MF Kuyt.

OFFL Umpa Lumpas are now preparing for a rush on the trio.

And, what with enough keywords in this post to surely throw Google's smut filter into an apoplectic censorship frenzy, we do hope you are able to read this edition of Studmarks.

Manager of the Week this week is Khumbula Dube whose Dube Stars notched up an impressive 25 points pushing them up six places into fourth.

Knee-jerk Silly Season Begins

Our Most Gracious Chairman has recently been complaining that the radio transmissions he intercepts from Interpol's communication frequencies have gone eerily quiet. It's a little hobby of his and has nothing to do with the little incident involving that Gibraltar Rock Ape and a packet of Nik-Naks last Spring.

What makes it so galling for Our Chairman is that this particular law agency has been asking some pretty interesting questions about some of the OFFL members.

Apparently, leading up to the radio silence, intelligence was focussing on the Stag Do Tourist Hot Spot of Prague.

After some initial digging [on facebook.cz] by our Studmarks junior, Piotr, it seems that it has something to do with the OFFL's inevitable Knee-jerk Silly Season having already begun...

Such is the excruciatingly exuberant enthusiasm to ensure his colleague Rick Beecroft doesn't leave him behind in the table again this year, Russ Bielby - the self-proclaimed Rafa The Gaffa of the League - has indeed knee-jerked himself into a transfer market Can-Can by already using up a sixth of his allotted swap requests for the season.

Russ has rapidly ditched the annoyingly unpredictable Agbonlahor and the diminutive Russian-all-over-the-pitch Arshavin in a bid to also ward off any suggestion that his wife, the 'The Weakest Link Winning' Madame of Marketing, Sarah Johns.

So, it seems the RealSense boys are going to be at each others' throats again this season. Which is excellent news for the rest of us. But not so great for RS T-Boy's Stag 'Event' in Prague at the weekend.

Manager of the Week is Alex "Bloody Hell" Blundell. His Moanchester Onionited netted a massive+1 31 points to secure his Manager of the Week Certificate that won't be making its way to him by the first post. And no, he was never a real footballer.

Not like Danny Atkins.

Week 01 - Welcome to the New OFFL Season

The wash of teams lapping up against the shores of the Chairman's wreckage of an inbox every August and September is always a pleasant reminder of how things never really change. At least, not the important things at any rate.

A bit like the regular 11am arrival of the 300g stool with the morning's papers fanned out at one's quivering slippers - there's something predictable about the majestically productive way it passes the time.

And the previous evening's supper of course.

Or, more prosaically, the dawn of the new OFFL Season can be seen as a stark reminder that we've done nothing with our Summer days and should, quite frankly, be ashamed of ourselves. Our childhood dreams of living more interesting lives have disappeared so completely from our exhausted imaginations that we're now vicariously pursuing a tiny fraction of them through a pathetic text based lunch time boredom reliever.

Whichever way you look at it, it's queer and it's here. So get used to it.

And having used up five paragraphs for what could be classed as the worst opening passages of a new season's Studmarks ever... Welcome to the Office Fantasy Football League Season of 2009/2010.

The unimaginative celebratory cakes have been unwrapped, the tea-urn has been switched on and the Umpa Lumpa's are dancing out their own peculiar, some might patronisingly say 'sweet', Haka at the coffee machine; all in preparation for team registration...

...and these are the nonsensical selections you've all made...[see below]

Manager of the Week this week is, clearly, Neil Jukes for his Decimated Left Peg. 27 points, claiming the first Top Spot of the season. The non-existent Certificate is [not] on its way to you, sir.

In the meantime, everyone else, don't get too distressed at your poor point scoring just yet. Always, remember... ALWAYS remember... it is a arathon, not a misprint.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com
http://twitter.com/offl

This year's OFFL Cup Prize is a real beauty this season folks so prepare for disappointment: There can be only One...[winner].

The Chairman is always right

When picking your team, don’t forget that it is, indeed, a marathon and not a sprint [distant cheers from afar].

The sooner you get your team in, the sooner you start getting points.

However, don’t forget... the later you get your team in, the fewer transfers you’ll waste on covering up the early naive mistakes you will no doubt make. Though, generally, it is accepted that the sooner you start scoring the better your final League position will be. Oh yes.

Here’s the lovingly prepared SelectYourTeam.xls sheet. You can also click on the link over to the right.

And what’s this? A new OFFL Cup Prize?

It’s one you will definitely NOT want to miss out on. Proper Straight Up and That, innit.

Ooh, yeah. One last thing. Er, never - and I mean never - forget...

The
Chairman is
always
right.

SS Syndrome and its inevitable cure

It’s not been an easy Summer what with normal Human Beings denied top flight football for months. It’s outrageous. No wonder the Chairman checks himself into the Betty Boothroyd Clinic for attention seeking addiction.

It’s a pattern that repeats itself every two years. Soccerless Summer Syndrome is its popular moniker and it leaves its victims trembling, dribbling and bibbling like a baby.

And this is how we find Our Chairman.

Again.

Over the last week he’s been trying to pull himself together but it won’t be long before he realises the futility of such a ridiculous notion. With a band of merry Umpa Lumpas helping him dress each morning he’s been given clearance to return to his dingy little bedsit constituency where he’ll start to prepare for Government.

Well, OFFL government at least.

The Studmarks presses are being oiled up, the calculators re-batteried and the bacon sarnies have been ordered for the first morning of OFFL action on Monday. Yes, Monday.

Without or without any OFFL teams.

You will be turned into an Official OFFL twit [available here: twitter.com/OFFL] when your application to join this year’s League has been accepted.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com

Firstly, for you twits out there wanting to keep twup to date with twOFFL then you can follow us http://twitter.com/OFFL. Simple really.

In the meantime: you could, of course, just subscribe to this blog.

Or wait for the usual emails and sod it all.

Whatever you decide, have a happy New Season.

Doing it with gloves on

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's another piece of evidence to thrust angrily into the faces of the naysayers, disbelievers and scoffers who think that the OFFL is just a whimsical nonsense enjoyed by the life-weary desk-trapped loafers amongst you.

Evidence, indeed, that evinces and convinces that this most beloved of OFFL competitions is worth every second that is ploughed into it and not a complete waste of valuable time that could be used to help old people across busy roads.

Our new Office Fantasy Football League Champions' manager, Ally Edwards, has taken the time to write to us all, even feeling the need to explain the history behind his team's name "Radnorshire Tigers".

No really, Ally, you needn't.... [too late]

"I really enjoyed this year's league - as I have the few years I've done it - but this year's headless-chicken knee-jerk reactions appear to have paid off!

"Never before won any kind of sporting accolade for leadership ;) although did once win man-of-the-match for 7 catches in one game (in the outfield)!

"btw the team name is from a story (sort of in the style of P.G. Wodehouse's 'Jeeves' crossed with Grossmith's 'Mr Pooter') written in local press circa 1901 in response to a news story as reported in The Times (Saturday, Nov 17, 1900; pg. 11; Issue 36302; col G - see attached imagefile). I worked as an archivist for years in Llandrindod and that story was my favourite artefact!

"Best wishes, Ally"

Archivists, eh? They do it with gloves on.