Let Me Be Your Fantasy

It's been a tough old year for the tough old Chairman. No sooner had the last of the morphine headaches finally died away then the OFFL crowds started relentlessly blood-baying for a new season of the legendary Office Fantasy Football League.

Tightly Pursed Lips

So, with three grapes and a disc lighter, our Chairman skips forward rabbit-punching the near distance, dodging imaginary swipes at his own ventripotent torso, hissing out the words "come on then, come on, if you think you're hard enough" through tightly pursed lips before quickly disappearing into his padded cell for a short snooze before his pre-teatime massage.

Worry not: Umpa Lumpas have been recruited, text templates have been edited, internet blogs spring-cleaned and doctors' notes filed away for potential insurance difficulties later on.

Pants Off

The marathon begins again. For it is a marathon. And not a sprint. So try not to panic your pants off when the first day of the season goes horribly, horribly wrong [ahem, Rob, cough, splutter, Ivison].

Licking

Yet another fantastic OFFL Cup Winning Prize is up for grabs in the fiercely competitive OFFL Cup competition and this year we have our own Studmarks annual entitled "Studs". Donated by the very generous Chris Tierney of Edinburgh, the hardback book is modelled and You Tubed by the hands of Chris himself. Enjoy and start licking those lips in anticipation...

The rules remain the same as last year. As does the budget. And your team can start scoring as soon as you get it in. It's as simple as that. We already have an excellent crop of teams whose managers gambled on submitting a line up before the Premiership kicked off. Some of the managers are already regretting their promptness. Already making a transfer, for example, is manager Rob Ivison. He can't stop himself from fiddling with his Charlie's Angels, which makes a change from not being able to stop himself from fiddling with his Angel's Charlies.

*B'dum tish* [a-hye thank yoo]

Anyway, there you have it. How quickly do you get your team in? Do you watch for a week or two knowing that it is a marathon and not a sprint? And then crash on in with the in-form team of the moment? It's a toughie. And a tad frustrating. A bit like that Olympic pursuit cycling when they spend half the race trying to stand still, wobbling, behind the person in front before surging ahead with a powerful finish.

It's enough to drive the Chairman back into the warm, safe, pain-ridding bosom of the buxom Mrs Morphine.

Sigh.

http://smash.loopy.co.uk/offl/content_files/SelectYourTeam.xls

Manager of the Week: Steve Tierney, Abeerden, 14 points.

It Can Get A Little Dirty

Chairman Denies New OFFL League Season Rumour

What nonsense.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com/SelectYourTeam.xls

Week 39: And the Winners are....

THE OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

CHAMPIONS

2008

Big Mac's Mingmongs

Neil McConaghy

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THE OFFL CUP FINAL

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TriumphAnt 17 v 13 Livercoolio

[Ant Reeves] [Russ Bielby]

Well there we have it. It's all over. We can't be bothered with an end of season montage of all the best bits of the season. We're too exhausted. It's been a long one.

One that has finished with all Managers offering their congratulations to Neil McConaghy whose Big Mac's Mingmongs nearly passed the 500 point mark in their league victory. They win the Championship by a clear 17 points from Livercoolio who also just miss out on Cup glory to TriumphAnt.

TriumphAnt are indeed triumphant [pictured right]. And have therefore won the Shoot Annual. Congratulations Mr Reeves. Four points in it. That'll be those last minute transfers then.

And commiserations to Russ Bielby. Poor, poor Russ Bielby. So close. But twice a loser.

At the bottom, Rudolf Huckers managed to finally escape the wooden spoon by the bark of their teeth, scoring a Manager of the Week certificate winning 25 points, and lifting themselves off the bottom of the table for the first time all season.

So let's have a look at how our managers fared in the Manager of the Week certificate winning league... an entry into the Inter Toto Cup beckons.

MotW Table
We have a clear winner, the Pride of Wales, ...

1 Martyn Field (5)

2 Neil McConaghy (3)

2 Steve Tierney (3)

4 Alfred Bradley (2)

4 Francis Fox (2)

4 Mark and Maddy Weavers (2)

4 Matt Waldron (2)

4 Minty Colquhoun (2)

4 Rob Ivison (2)

4 Russ Bielby (2)

4 Sarah-Jane John (2)

12 Alan Betteridge (1)

12 Ant Reeves (1)

12 Edgar Rayner (1)

12 Gavin Ward (1)

12 Guy Harewood (1)

12 Hilary Straw (1)

12 Kate Wilson (1)

12 Mark Faulkner (1)

12 Mike Smears (1)

12 Oscar Bradley (1)

12 Paddy Mirams (1)

12 Smasher (1)

Other Useless StatsPick of the Season, based on Pts/£, is an Everton player this year. And a defender to boot. Step forward Mr J Lescott.

254 CB J Lescott EVE £4.0 62

397 MF C Ronaldo MU £7.3 107

308 MF A Young AV £4.1 56

299 MF C Fabregas ARS £4.5 55

457 ST E Adebayor ARS £6.6 80

312 MF G Barry AV £4.0 46

474 ST R Santa Cruz BLA £6.3 70

146 FB G Clichy ARS £4.5 49

267 CB W Brown MU £4.7 51

498 ST F Torres LIV £7.4 80

So congratulations if you picked any of these little blighters. Really though, it's about the points. As many as possible. So here are the top OFFL scorers in the Premiership League.

Top Scorers

397 MF C Ronaldo MU £7.3 107

457 ST E Adebayor ARS £6.6 80

498 ST F Torres LIV £7.4 80

474 ST R Santa Cruz BLA £6.3 70

535 ST D Berbatov TOT £7.7 65

254 CB J Lescott EVE £4.0 62

510 ST W Rooney MU £8.7 62

537 ST R Keane TOT £6.8 57

308 MF A Young AV £4.1 56

299 MF C Fabregas ARS £4.5 55

Strikers

457 ST E Adebayor ARS £6.6 80

498 ST F Torres LIV £7.4 80

474 ST R Santa Cruz BLA £6.3 70

535 ST D Berbatov TOT £7.7 65

510 ST W Rooney MU £8.7 62

537 ST R Keane TOT £6.8 57

485 ST C Tevez WH £7.2 54

509 ST Yakubu MID £6.9 53

463 ST G Agbonlahor AV £6.1 51

528 ST Benjani POR £5.7 48

Midfielders

397 MF C Ronaldo MU £7.3 107

308 MF A Young AV £4.1 56

299 MF C Fabregas ARS £4.5 55

369 MF S Gerrard LIV £5.2 54

342 MF F Lampard CHE £6.7 50

312 MF G Barry AV £4.0 46

384 MF Elano MC £3.8 40

380 MF M Petrov MC £3.5 37

388 MF S Downing MID £3.9 36

324 MF D Bentley BLA £4.3 36

362 MF S Davies FUL £3.6 31

Centre Backs

254 CB J Lescott EVE £4.0 62

270 CB R Ferdinand MU £5.0 54

269 CB N Vidic MU £5.1 53

267 CB W Brown MU £4.7 51

556 CB Alex CHE £5.1 44

259 CB J Carragher LIV £5.1 43

253 CB P Jagielka EVE £4.0 39

228 CB W Gallas ARS £4.6 38

243 CB J Terry CHE £5.7 37

244 CB R Carvalho CHE £5.4 35

Full Backs

146 FB G Clichy ARS £4.5 49

561 FB J Belletti CHE £5.0 49

193 FB P Evra MU £4.9 48

164 FB G Johnson CHE £4.8 42

163 FB A Cole CHE £5.1 39

148 FB B Sagna ARS £4.3 38

209 FB H Hreidarsson POR £3.7 32

179 FB A Arbeloa LIV £4.7 31

196 FB Geremi NEW £3.8 29

180 FB S Finnan LIV £5.2 29

Goalkeepers

122 GK J Reina LIV £4.6 48

118 GK T Howard EVE £3.8 38

129 GK E van der Sar MU £4.5 38

114 GK P Cech CHE £5.0 38

136 GK D James POR £3.7 32

102 GK M Almunia ARS £4.1 29

128 GK T Kuszczak MU £4.2 15

113 GK C Cudicini CHE £4.4 15

137 GK C Kirkland WIG £3.3 13

121 GK S Carson LIV £4.4 13

Week 38: The Penultimate Week

As his correspondence will confirm, Francis Fox is losing his marbles. He firstly forgets to enter a team. Then he forgets to enter a team before the first round of the OFFL Cup. THEN he starts bemoaning the fact he didn't pick a particular player. And then, of course, he realises that, in fact, he did pick that particular player after all.

It's not the first time his sentience has gone somewhat awry. And neither, we’re sure, will it be the last. There are plenty of seasons left in the old boy after all. But it is this season that has seen Fox's Rudolph Huckers in last place ever since their arrival. And with one more week to go, the Huckers lie a mere 5 points adrift. The big question is 'will they avoid the wooden spoon?'. The small accompanying question is 'can the Studmarks team squeeze anymore mock excitement out of this particular stone of newsworthlessness?'.

If the levels of excitement over the last few weeks are anything to go by, we're certain the answer to both those questions is 'no'.

Meanwhile, up at the top of the league, Livercoolio are trying desperately to lunge for the line. They've knocked another 10 points off Big Mac's lead leaving another 10 points to make up. If the scores are level after the final week then we add up the values of all players past and present to determine the Points Per Pound difference over the whole season. In this case, Livercoolio would nick it [£106.2m < £118m].

Manager of the Week this week is Sarah-Jane John whose Johnny's Heroes reaped a stunningly adequate score of 27 points, securing [surely] mid-table mediocrity for the season.

And right now, this week, the final week, we're playing...

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OFFL Cup

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Final
Week 39

TriumphAnt[Ant Reeves] £54.5m v £54.6m Livercoolio[Russ Bielby]

It is, actually, quite exciting after all.