Week 02: Sixy Lady

Bent forgets it's three goals, not 3 points, that counts as a
hatrick before he can run off with ball

"What Ho! Jeeves!" exclaimed Minty.

And the felicitous sentiment is not lost on the rest of the League, by Jove. Darren Bent contributing 3 points to a Manager of the Week certificate-winning 19 point haul? Outrageous fortune.

Yes, like a vigorous walk down the street wearing a pair of jeans that are just too tight in just the right places, Minty has risen to a surprise early climax for Week 2, thanks to her perennial blind loyalty to the Bent One.  Indeed, after last week's hot six, she now rests, spent and panting, on top, quivering with an inexplicable afterglow.

Lovely to see.

Also with sweaty palms, gripping at a corner of another shared Manager of the Week certificate is Malcolm Pratt.  His 1964 Prathletico Grande also nicked 19 points and pushed his charges up into third.

And still no transfers from anyone...  We ask "which weak-minded manager will lose their patience first?" - OFFL HQ are rumoured to be rehearsing a carnival style welcome for Livercoolio's usual season-opening transfer request as we write.

And by the way, yes, we have an OFFL Cup winners prize this year.  Yessiree.

Note From The Chairman

If you have any issues with the formatting of your weekly email please pass on your comments to studmarks@gmail.com.  As always, it is best read in 'Courier New' 10pt.  Most other monospace or fixed-width fonts will do, really.  All that effort to make sure everything lines up properly...nobody ever notices, grumble whinge etc.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 19  37

 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.8 17  35

 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 19  34

 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 14  32

 5 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 13  31

 6 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.9 14  30

 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      54.6 11  29

 7 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8 14  29

 9 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.5 14  28

 9 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 12  28

Week 01: "Stop The Press! We need it for more 'Manager of the Week' Certificates"

Well that's never happened before.  Six managers, SIX of them, are all sharing Week One's top spot in the league with 18 points apiece.  This means there are SIX Manager of the Week certificates to be spewed out from the upper windows of the OFFL HQ's printing department.

Like a really naff ticker tape parade.

Also a first, each team that has been submitted to date has Robin Van Persie ARS as a striker.  This effectively means you're all fighting this season out with ten men.  Effectively.

Furthermore, we welcome back Kate Wilson to the best Fantasy Football League in the whole wide room.  The relentlessly optimistic Oxford United supporter has thrown her straw boater into the ring with other Oxford notables, Alun Edwards and Neil McConaghy.

Back too, with magnificent pedigree, is 2006 Champion Guy Harewood, and ukulele playing Brighton & 'Hove Actually' stalwart Nick Reed.  They'll be vying for supremacy with the only manager to ever achieve The Double: Steve Tierney is back to wave his Tierney's Twonks about, hoping to repeat the performance of 2004.  Let's emphasise that again... The Only Team To Have Done The Double.  That was an enormous achievement.  Enormous.  As is Steve.

[If all the stories are true]

[To be fair they're all HIS stories]

We also welcome back the current back-to-back Champions, Inter Milandrover.  But the less said about them the better.

Welcome back one and all, and remember... it's a marathon, not a etc etc.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds        Neil McConaghy      54.5 18  18
 1 Blat Setter's Mad HatteGavin Ward          54.6 18  18
 1 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        54.7 18  18
 1 Woolyback Returns      Guy Harewood        54.8 18  18
 1 Mintal Institute       Minty Colquhoun     54.9 18  18
 1 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             54.9 18  18
 7 Eggafield Rovers       Edgar Rayner        54.8 15  15
 7 1964 Prathletico GrandeMalcolm Pratt       54.9 15  15
 9 RS-TBOY                Rick Beecroft       54.5 14  14
10 Livercoolio            Russ Bielby         55.0 12  12

Cheese Arse Cries T'Not Again

Look, no-one says you have to play. 

Nobody TELLS you that you simply HAVE to be a part of it, do they? But hey! You wouldn't want to miss out though, would you?

Would you?

[Now hold yourself by the throat and push your face right up close to a mirror for this next line]

WOULD YOU?!!

[Now straighten yourself out and take a breath]

You could look on it as helping a stay-at-home Dad keep his sanity from being completely absorbed by the societal sponge that is Playgroups, Costa-based respite, Cbeebies Earworms, weaning, naps and nappies.

Studmarks will continue to be restricted to being issued irregularly, inaccurately and incoherently. And in between those ever-so important naps.

Because sleeping is important.

So important.

Not that we'll be changing the OFFL motto. No, it's still 'a marathon, not a sprint'.

And, yes, The Chairman is still skippering this particular Out-Of-Control leaky tanker through the choppy chilly waters of the Premiership ocean. Indeed, He's often been called an [in]complete tanker, as you know. You'll be witnessing his usual bouts of anger, depression, jubilation, Africa trips, back operations, Loopy albums and, of course, the humiliating ejections from the local Legs, Bums and Tums by the local Yummy Mums.

But right now, having offended those of you who can't read anything longer than 140 characters, all you have to do is the usual.

• Download this Excel Spreadsheet and fill it in [http://j.mp/SelectYourTeam].
• Think of an HILARIOUS team name that will make everyone snort in the first week and groan for the rest of the season.
• Send it to Studmarks@gmail.com.

All the usual rules apply.

All of them.

Tom will be picking his best music-based team - and trying to resist the obvious G McCartney/A Lennon pairing again. Minty will blindly pick Darren Bent up front. Mally will stumble upon a lucky unknown high-scoring midfielder. Gavin Ward or Craig McHugh will reach the OFFL Cup Final [another prize awaits]. Edgar won't make any transfers on principle and finish the season bewildered at why he's only just ahead of Tom at the foot of the table while RicknRuss will slog out yet another top ten finish via a point fine for bringing the game into disrepute.

We have Nick Reed back, picking players post-Poyet and no doubt Mr Tierney will enter his Twonks in Week 2, get lucky and win the damn thing in the penultimate week. Chris Walsh will be unable to mount a serious challenge and remain the only Real-Sense regular to be without a Championship win.

We could go on.

And we shall.

Go pick.

[While the baby's still asleep].