Week 25

Manager of the Week this week is Martyn Field. His Sheep City scored 14pts in what was a low scoring week overall. Meanwhile Fat Malcademicals and Woolyback Town AFC continue to drift away from the chasing pack behind them as they tussle it out for the top spot. 3 points separating them. Woo.

Week 24: Skirt chasing and hairy hands

When our, somewhat old-fashioned, Chairman sees lovely ladies whiz past him in the street he often tends to get a gee on himself, particularly if the accelerating lady is wearing a skirt.

Not that 'chasing skirts' features as one of his pastimes, you understand. And neither does it feature in his past times, of course.

Nor is it anything to be ashamed of quite frankly, it's just a strange weakness for a man of his abilities. Indeed, no sexism here, I'm glad to say. That is until we look down the list of team names bustling about the lower echelons of the league.

Richard Keys takes food from a woman

Yes, what is this 'Menarepigs3'? Hm? No complaints, it's true, have been directly received about this gender generalising nom de guerre. And no assertions have been made about the manager's ability to describe the offside rule, of course.

However, no sooner have Andy Gray and Richard Hairy Hands been outed for their rather adolescent-like bloke-banter [and no sooner has fellow underachieving female manager Rachel Double whizzed past her] our own little sexy 'sexist', Kate Wilson, has decided to get a gee on herself. Not that she needs to prove anything to anyone. The little poppet.

Yes, Manager of the Week certificate goes to Kate for steering her 'boys' to a week's total of 24pts.

Fat Malcademicals retake the lead and stretches their lead, with Woolyback Town, over the chasing skirt pack.

Everyone look at Steve Tierney as he sucks air through his teeth at the abysmal -2 his team scored this week.

Everyone. Stare at him.

Week 23:

The 2022 World Cup will be held in Catarrh

Manager of the Week this week is Mr Gavin Ward of Wardy's Wanderers after he majestically steered his team to an enormous score of 26 points. Keeping up that level of scorage over the next few weeks would see the Wanderers challenging for the top spot, don'tcha know.

Meanwhile, Rachel Jones scoops up a bit of luck, at long last, by leapfrogging both Minty Colquhoun and Kate Wilson. Her Double Utd scored a whopping 20 points dragging her up to twenty-sixth. The only other female manager, in what has been a generally poor season for the weaker/fairer/naggier/more beautiful/more competitive sex, is just - well, check out her sentiments in the 'Transfers and Stuff' section of this week's Studmarks below.

...And we have a new leader. Oh yes. Mr Guy Harewood has managed, with the help of a 20pt weekly score, the very tricky manoeuvre of clambering over the slumbering shape of Fat Malcademicals. They now lead by 3 pts.

How bloody exciting.

Week 22: Vamossian Exit

Tom Vamos waited till three weeks ago to enter his crack team of West Vammers. Why? Well, of course, it was the only way he knew he could be sure of poaching and pinching the peerless players in each position who've proven themselves to have popped in most points this season so far.... in time for the opening of the OFFL Cup.

Mr Vamos tried hiding

Such opportunistic behaviour is designed to snatch the coveted cup from under the bloodied noses of the regular week-in, week-out stay-hards.

In the words of Jar-Jar Binks... "How Wude".

Indeed, after the first week of the Qualifying Round, West Vam sat atop their Group with a smugly self-satisfied and sneeringly snobbish snigger - happily bathing in the assumption that the following two weeks would merely confirm qualification.

It will therefore be with much garrulous schadenfreude that the news of West Vam's failure to pull enough points to push through to the second round will be met by the rest of the league's managers

And while the bitter mob of early league entrants angrily gather round the cowering supine body of Mr Vamos, his eyes spinning, his nose bloodied, arms flailing, Moobchester United's Mr Jonathan King tip-toes out the back door with a mop of the brow and a clutch of the mooby chest.

Managers of the Week this week are Sarah Bingham and Chris Walsh, managers of Salad Dodgers [Qualified] and Lashings of Cheese [Failed to Qualify] respectively, by notching up an impressive 19 points apiece. A mere 20 points now separate the top seven places. It's, surely, the most open Championship in years.

Week 21: Second week's results of the OFFL Cup

Rob Ivison falls six places whilst screaming "AAAAARRRGGH!"

Oh My Bieber, as the saying goes. Just as Fat Malcademicals looked to be losing grip on the top spot they only go and come up with a fat and chubbily obese weekly score, netting a season high of 48 points and taking the Manager of the Week certificate to boot.

That's just cheeky.

With Inter Milandrover crawling up to Woolyback Town's second place - and with Highest Climbers Livercoolio riding on their coat tails - managers Harewood, Smasher and Bielby look below to watch All Hail The Chairman's Rob Ivison fall furthest away, like the Persian messenger and his archers when they get booted down that unconvincingly deep well by King Leonidas after telling him to submit to Xerxes in the film 300 [Men In Pants].

Yeah.

Rob's fall of six places is just like that.

So, how's that Cup coming along?