Week 20: First week's results of the OFFL Cup

As the Chairman gazed through His billowing breath at the lofty waning gibbous shining out above His hideaway, the snow fell. News came through that airports were closing all over the country. People were slipping over and roads were becoming treacherous. As a treat to Himself, He decided to choose outrage over reason as His most natural response. Someone, He raspingly ranted inside, Was To Blame. And let's face it, if we ignore the weather offering its own sole role as the reason this season, it must be the Government's fault.

Must be.

Never mind the facts that other snow-vulnerable countries like Russia, Canada and Father Christmas's very own Lapland also close their airports and roads in similar conditions. Yeah. Never mind that. After all, if He was to take that into account it would take the sting out of His cantankery. No, no, forget that, the Chairman decided to be brutishly British.

Dave Clayton, learning to spell in his favourite gay bar

It isn't his fault, at any rate. Nobody advised him to buy a shovel and a bag of salt, did they? How was he to know?

Yes.

The Chairman comforts his own lack of preparedness by blaming the Government.

And with that, he had a marvellous night's kip.

As did Sarah Bingham whose Salad Dodgers jumped up highest with Dave Clayton's Shamone Muddy Funksters - both ascend four places.

It's tense at the top with only eleven points separating the top eight teams. Malcademicals aren't looking as comfortable as they were up there. It must be the cold.

And his haemorrhoids.

The Manager of the Week certificate is to be torn in half and distributed crisp and evenly between Dave Clayton and newcomer Tom Vamos. Both their teams notched up a Christmassy 18 points. As luck would have it, they're also both in the same group in the qualifying round of the OFFL Cup, with Shamone Muddy Funksters edging the lead on Points Per Pound difference.

Is it nearly New Year already?

Week 19: Happy Christmas Again

Alas, when god was handing out the 'I love Mince Pies' badges he pinned Our Chairman's on his chest so hard that he went through to pierce the skin. He hasn't been able to take to them ever since, which only increases his penchant for railing against them at every opportunity.

So, it was with Double Chocolate Yule Log that Two Wise Men came abearing in order to convince the Chairman to let them enter their teams into the league, in time for the OFFL Cup Competition.

And so we welcome Tom Vamos and Jonathan King. No, not that Tom Vamos.

Indeed, West Vam are back in the league after a coupole of years away [in the lower leagues] newcomers, Moobchester United, await their first bit of electronic abuse.

Meanwhile, the Manager of the Week certificate is charitably doled out to Gavin Ward. His team scored a massive 6 points [snigger]. But will that sort of form be enough to see his Wardy Wanderers qualify for the next round of the cup?

You don't have to answer that right now.

Week 18: OFFL Cup First Round Group Stages Announced.

May the cupped bottom commence.  I mean Cup Battle.  Sorry.

Joint Managers of the Week are Chris Walsh and Rob Ivison who both steered their young charges, Lashings Of Cheese and All Hail The Chairman respectively, to a 17 point bounty for the week.

Meanwhile, the top of the table appears a little more compressed with only 17 points separating the top eight places. Fantasy and Reality reflecting each others' whims and wantsies.

Highest climbers are Livercoolio, up four. Lowest stoopers: Inter Milandrover, down four.

But, wait for it, more importantly...

The OFFL Cup
First Round, Weeks 20 to 22 incl.

There are four qualifying groups. The top four of each group qualifies for the second round - a straight knockout competition.

Teams have been put into groups according to this week's league table positioning, i.e. Group A consists of Fat Mal's Malcademicals [1st], Livercoolio [5th], Shamone Muddy Funksters [9th] etc etc while Group B consists of BM Mingmongs [2nd], Woolyback Town AFC [6th], etc etc.

You need to be in the top four. No more teams will be accepted after the forthcoming Monday 1730hrs deadline.

The results will be taken from the scores spanning weeks 20 to 22 inclusively.

So, you'd better get those transfers in if you want to make any sort of impact starting next week.

Good luck.

Group A
Fat Mal's Malcademicals
Livercoolio
Shamone Muddy Funksters
Marmaduke's Army
Lashings of Cheese
Just One Finger Albion
Real Mcdrid
West Vam

Group B
BM Mingmongs
Woolyback Town AFC
RS T-Boy
Moanchester Utd
Budleigh Salterton FC
Dube Stars FC
Menarepigs3

Group C
Pompey Puss
Irishpool
Stay Poyet Stay!
Nuttingham Florist
Salad Dodgers
Freddie's Dreamers
Mintal Disorder

Group D
Wymondham Wanderers
Inter Milandrover
Wardy's Wanderers
Sheep City
All Hail The Chairman
Radnorshire Tigers
Double's Utd

Week 17: It ain't over till the Fat Mally sings

Ray's exit: twice the beginning of Chelsea's demise?

As soon as Neil McConaghy mysteriously sacked his bald Second-In-Command, Ray Willikins, things started to go a bit wrong, culminating this week in the dainty Fat Malcademicals chubbily nudging the near-motionless Mingmongs off the top of the mountain by mopping up one more morsel of a point than he did this week.

Other than that, like a bunged up constipatory boiled egg unmovably rammed between the rigid wallet folds of a Scottish accountant, there's been very little movement in the league.  In fact the biggest movers are Guy Harewood [down 2 to fifth - glad to see those transfers making the difference] and Mike Smears [up 2 to eighth - the tortoise approach to Mr Hare(wood)'s sprained-ankle-while-sprinting approach, very wise].

And no, Mr Smears, you're not getting any more money - at least you have a pension.

And look at the bottom of the table...  that Rachel Jones; has she 'Double' bluffingly lulled Ms Colquhoun-Pronounced-Ka'hoon into a false or true sense of security?

Discuss.

Tis enough to make you go completely Mintal.

Manager of the Week is birthday boy [last week] Alex Blundell for his Moanchester Utd.  The Winchester Whiner scored 14 points this week.  Ah, bless him.