Week 39: Where are all the metatarsal injuries now eh?

Russell Bielby's Livercoolio win the OFFL Championship for the second time

It's not as if we didn't see it coming.  The long, slow, foreplay that has been most of this season has finally climaxed in this season-end's orgasmic crowning of the Office Fantasy Football League Champions 2013/2014, Livercoolio. Congratulations go to Mr Russell Bielby, League Champions for the second time. Interestingly, Bielby's last win was also in the last World Cup Year of 2010.  I say 'interestingly', but it isn't really.

What might be interesting is that in the last week, Dave Clayton's Pyeators II jumped two places to usurp Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters to finish as Runners Up this season. Champs for the last two years, Inter Milandrover, finish in turd.  Third.

Meanwhile the Wooden Spoon has been won in emphatic style by Mr Tom Vamos.  His It Goes To Eleven finished an impressive 99 points below penultimate place, which in itself went to one-time League leaders Mintal Institute.

OFFL Cup

And now, for the Cup denouement.

Whose front door mat will get a jolly good thwonking from the much coveted Stanley Matthews' Football Album?

Well, thanks to the midweek games before the final Premiership Sunday of the Season, it was all square in the OFFL Cup at 10 points each.  But then Saturday came...

OFFL Cup Final
--------------
FINAL SCORE

RST-Boy       20  v  40  Woolyback Returns 
Rick Beecroft            Guy Harewood

So, the Manager of the Week certificate not only goes to Guy Harewood for scoring 40 points but it also ensures that his Woolyback Returns wins the OFFL Cup Final with relative ease, doubling the points of his opponent, Rick Beecroft.  Congratulations Mr Harewood - I'm sure the England legend's Footballing Annual will receive the utmost respect up there in the Clackmannanshire Republic of Scotland.

So, for most of you, another season ends with humiliating disappointment.  A brief look back over the last 39 weeks will probably make perfect sense of it all for you.  But right now it's over.  Over and done with.  There's nothing left for you here.  Move along please.

As always, Studmarks and all the staff at OFFL HQ, would like to thank you for taking part; for absorbing the barbed comments and ritual haranguing. Next season will be the 20th year of this nonsense.  If you can stomach it, you'd probably all be welcome.

Yes, twenty years.

By the time this missive is dispatched The Chairman will have given himself up to the authorities before planning, in time for next season, his inevitable escape from whichever inadequately secured institute in which he finds himself.

Nurse yourself through the forthcoming OFFL-less weeks with the month-long World Cup.  This season's abject failure to make any impact on the OFFL campaign will be adequate preparation for the witnessing of England's expected progress.

Which reminds us... where are all the metatarsal injuries now, eh?

Roll credits.


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2014
---------------------------------------------
Livercoolio, 492 points
Russ Bielby


OFFL CUP WINNERS 2014
---------------------
Woolyback Returns
Guy Harewood


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP 2014
----------------------------------------------
Pyeators II, 465 points
Dave Clayton


OFFL CUP RUNNERS UP
-------------------
RST-Boy
Rick Beecroft


Many, many, MANY congratulations.

Worth a mention:  After a season-long battle for many to finish in the top ten, Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone sneak past Neil's Neil's Diamonds to retake tenth place.  105 points behind the Champions mind, but it's the top ten, nevertheless.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 10 492
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 22 465
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 16 461
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 12 459
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 22 452
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 27 435
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 20 421
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 40 412
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 406
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 387
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 21 386
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 17 362
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 19 354
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 24 350
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 28 337
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  4 322
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 322
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 317
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 17 314
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 25 303
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3 294
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17 272
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13 261
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 253
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 154


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    359
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Week 38: Exercising buttocks

Russell Bielby, relaxing amid the chaos below

Good grief, HE'S ONLY GONE AND DONE IT!  And all the while everyone was telling him it couldn't be done.  They said it was impossible.  That he shouldn't even 'Go There, sistah!'.  He had even resigned himself to the inevitable failure of it NOT HAPPENING.  But, yes - oh yes, oh yes, oh yes - this week, at last, Neil McConaghy's Neil's Diamonds have finally broken into the top ten by nudging Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone out of the way and into eleventh. Astonishing achievement.  Congratulations Mr McConaghy, we salute you.  You just need to hang on for the last week.  What's that?  Oh didn't we tell you all...

We're in the final week of the season - just in case you didn't have the foggiest.  Which is most of you I should think, considering the transfer decisions you've been making all season.

This also means we're in and playing the OFFL Cup Final too.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

In the league, we've seen more jostling for that much prized second place with Gavin Ward's Manager of the Week certificate-winning score of 19 points pushing his Blat Setter's Mad Hatters into second.  In order to win the Championship, Mr Ward requires next week's score to be at least 35 points greater than Livercoolio's. 

Could happen.

Meanwhile Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes have slumped [down three] to eighteenth.  To make matters worse, her husband's Liverpool-loving mood has taken a turn for the dire this week.  Mrs Bielby will have to comfort herself with the knowledge that the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND.  Counts for something, surely.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

Mr Bielby, on the other hand, will have to keep in mind that the fat lady hasn't sung quite yet.  Not that Mrs Bielby is a fat lady of course, she's not.  Quite the opposite in fact.

*Awkward Buttock Clench*

In fact, if actual fat ladies singing is your thing then, the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND!  Did I say already?

*Excited Buttock Clench*

And as a final remark this week, Studmarks has been reassured that the OFFL Umpa Lumpas look forward to laughing, then binning, the next transfer request to come in to OFFL HQ this week.  There are no more weeks after this week of course. 

And that last sentence was dedicated to Sarah Bingham, of course.

OFFL Cup

Final, in play.

RST-Boy        v  Woolyback Returns
Rick Beecroft     Guy Harewood

With both managers playing L Baines EVE and S Coleman EVE at Full Back, this is how the teams stack up against each other.

RST-BOY         Club Tot | Woolyback Returns Club Tot
-----------------------------------------------------
109 GK P Cech    CHE  15 | 141 GK H Lloris   TOT  12
274 CB D Lovren  SOT   3 | 254 CB D Agger    LIV  23
294 CB G McAuley WBA  -9 | 260 CB V Kompany  MC   19
307 MF S Cazorla ARS  28 | 309 MF T Walcott  ARS  25
396 MF Y Toure   MC   35 | 302 MF A Ramsey   ARS  37
622 MF M Ozil    ARS  33 | 386 MF S Gerrard  LIV  63
334 MF E Hazard  CHE  47 | 474 MF A Townsend TOT   5
538 ST D SturridgLIV  40 | 548 ST R van PersiMU   39
541 ST L Suarez  LIV  50 | 569 ST W Bony     SWA  54

We know where we think the Stanley Matthews' Football Album will be going this year. 

Let us know where YOU think it will be going... 

Simply use the hashtags #ming or #mong along with #IDontGiveAMonkeys to @Studmarks.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  9 482
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 19 447
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5  7 445
 4 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0  9 443
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 11 430
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9  5 408
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 12 401
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  7 387
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -4 372
10 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  8 365
11 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  7 364
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 -1 345
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  2 335
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  8 326
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 15 318
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 12 310
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 14 309
18 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  3 309
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  2 297
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 13 291
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4 278
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 255
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  2 248
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 247
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6 150


                              Week's Average Points     7
                              Total Average Points    342
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