A NEW LEADER, PANIC BUYING AND BIT OF TEXTUAL HARASSMENT

It's not as if Our Great and Wise Chairman enjoys schadenfreude. Amusing himself at the thought of some people's misfortunes. Smugly sniggering at the silly slip-ups somebody else displays. Thigh-slappingly guffawing during a mid-air heel-click of whoopsome joy on his way to yet another lunch appointment. Taking much gleesome comfort from the calamitous catastrophes that others bring upon themselves.

GRAVY AND SPICES

But when they're served up on a plate with all the trimmings, gravy and spices he really does find it hard to resist. And that is, of course, why we love him so.

[And pause]

[Enter the sound of distant wind; a cold zephyr spinning some dried dead flora haplessly down the lonely old dust road]

[somebody at the back yawns]

And we all know that the moment a striker starts hacking up hatricks is the moment half the OFFL want a piece of him. Just before he breaks a nail and has to be sidelined for a year. But it's not the inevitability of the transfer scramble for Arsenal personnel that makes the Chairman smile. No.

A LITTLE STRAINED

It's the fact that an awful lot of competitive banter seems to fly around along with the transfers. Not least in Derby. Where the RealSense boys are finding things a little strained in that warehouse by the railway of theirs.

In fact it's got so bad that allegations of intimidation and bullying are rife. So bad, even, that one manager has 'ratted' on another.

Evidence has been provided to the OFFL of eBullying - a useful sort of intimidation that means you can hurt someone from a distance, over the internet, without really trying. [A deplorable activity, naturally].

BAR OF SOAP

So, in view of the available emails presented to OFFL HQ it has been deemed necessary to impose a Point Fine on one of our managers. The first Point Fine in two years. 30 points. Deducted. From Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.

Shocking.

The First Point Fine in Two Years, has it really been that long? Sigh.

Could that be why the Chairman is smiling?

Manager of the Week this week is Alfred Bradley for scoring 18pts for his Alfletico Madrid.

Highest climber this week is Mike Smears and his Irishpool who climb nine places with the biggest dropper being the Marauding Metatarsels. Down nine places.

Everybody stare at Gavin Ward.

Week 5

There are two types of OFFL Manager. We have the highly knowledgeable 'MotD-rewinder' who have their finger super-glued to the pulse of the Premiership. And we've got the no-hope, no-care, doing it 'cos I was tol' to, drawing-pin-in-a-list-of-players kind of person.

Let me elaborate: after a successful brace of international victories (thanks to the heroics of a certain striker who was absent from most of last season's world cup tournament campaign) the OFFL, perhaps shockingly, see absolutely no transfer requests coming in whatsoever for Emile Heskey.

Is it because the average OFFL manager knows nothing of recent footballing phenomena? Or, is it because the average OFFL manager is so clued up that they knew Mr Heskey was going to be out for 6 weeks with a stubbed toe? Hmm?

Managers of the Week
Steve Tierney and Smasher
[who fall into the former category]
of
Abeerden and Inter Milandrover respectively
22 points

Not manager of the week... Paddy Mirams [who also falls - from a great, great height into the former category too]. Nil points.

Take the shame.

Week 3: A Week in Provence

CROCODILE CUDDLING

Provence. So called because it was the First Province of Rome don't you know. Something like that anyway. In fact, the town emblem of Nimes is a crocodile cuddling a palm tree. Why? It was the badge of the third Roman Legion of Egypt, the veteran troops of which retired there.

SHORTER THAN AVERAGE

It's hard to really take in all the history of the surroundings when you're busy creating a complex cascade of croissant crumbs down one's ever-swelling belly. Pausing only to challenge shorter than average folk on their Umpa Lumpa qualities.

POLICE CONFUSED

The local Gendarmes weren't very understanding when the Chairman's explanation was partially described in loud and exasperated Franglais. But reports suggest that they actually thought the Chairman was trying to find out more about Pepin the Short. Father of Charlemagne. 714 - 768?

Anyone?

No?

Preposterous nonsense, surely.

Anyway, this is where you all stand in the gladiatorial arena that is known as the OFFL.

By the way, did you know that Arena comes from the Greek word for sand. Yes, really.

Well, that's what the Nimes Amphitheatre audio guide said.

Managers of the Week

Neil McConaghy and Edgar Rayner for scoring 17 points each for their Big Mac's Mingmongs and Shellbeej respectively.